The Day the Kink Meme Exploded

Sue stormed into the choir room and forgot why the instant she opened the door into the thirteenth level of hell. What the fuck was going on? Her eyes darted at where Jolly Green Giant had - well, actually, Sue hadn't talked to Annoying New Girl yet so she didn't have a name - on his lap, bouncing up and down, moaning loudly. She winced, turning her head when she realized from the way that the girl's skirt spread over their hips, they might actually be bumping uglies in front of the class. And, oh god, was it ever ugly.

Averting her gaze didn't help. The girl started yelling, "Right there, Daddy," and Sue tried desperately not to throw up. Being torchered for six months as a POW had been pleasant compared to this.

A quick glance around the room showed her Surfer Ken Doll giving Aretha a mostly naked lap dance, Asian had cat ears on top of her head, other Asian had a leash attaching his neck to her wrist, while Sandbags and Easy Bake Baby Oven were trying to suck each others faces off and probably getting girl goo all over their Cheerio uniforms. And the horror didn't end there. Brittany had some sort of pet. A teal and green - thing - that looked kind of like a octopus but with a cat head, that had at least three tentacles up her skirt. Screechy Yenta had on boy clothes, instead of her usual jail bait school girl outfits, and sat next to Brittany, stroking the mutant pet.

Sue stared Sweet Porcelain for several seconds before she realized that Young Burt Reyonalds had a huge stomach that he and Kurt lovingly rubbed. The pink heart eyes were worse than ever and Boy Preggers glowed with a look that crossed, "I'm so proud I'm adding to the world's over population" with "I spent all day puking my guts up like Will Schuester on a week long bender." She blinked in disbelief several times trying to clear her vision.

"Are you pregnant?" she asked, despite the extreme stupidity of the question.

"Yes, he is," said Kurt, in a tone that implied it was obvious while sounding smug.

"But you're gay," she sputtered at Porcelain.

His brow wrinkled. "I know."

"Then why are you dating a girl?"

"Blaine," Kurt said, emphasizing the name, "is a boy."

"I know you've had substandard sex-ed crammed down your throat and I hate to break it to you, but only girls get pregnant."

"Unless they have a boy pussy, then they totally can," said Brittany, who spread her legs wider and started moaning as the tentacles undulated.

Sue pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes in frustration. "If he has a pussy, then *he* is a girl. Besides, gay guys don't like pussy."

"I don't like girl pussy," said Kurt. "Boy pussy is completely different."

"No it isn't," said Delinquent Jew, who had on a dress and a blonde, curly wig. Ugh, he needed a better name. It was really starting to piss her off that of the dozen or so students who real names she knew, most were in the choir room. "I've stuck my dick in enough girl and boy pussy to know that its the same damn thing," he continued.

"Yes," said Kurt, clearly annoyed, "except girl pussy is attached to girls."

"Shouldn't you be all about dick?" Sue asked, which was weird, because she was pretty sure she didn't want to know.

"I am all about dick," said Porcelain. "I'm all about my dick being in Blaine's pussy.

Sue snapped her mouth shout over the dozens of questions forming in her mind. Just when she was beginning to think it couldn't get any worse, Aretha started flapping her gums. "I suppose you think Quinn is a boy because she has a girl peen?"

"Quinn squeezed out an ankle biter sophomore year," said Sue.

"Oh, yeah, Sugar Baby!" yelled Frankenteen.

"Give it to me, Daddy!"

Sue stuck her fingers in her ears and started humming Psycho Killer while planning the best way to blow up the school so the crazy wouldn't spread. She debated the benefits of finding her way back to her office with her eyes closed versus needing to off her self because she'd seen Glee kids thrashing around like drowning cows.

When she finally dared open her eyes, Giagantor and New Girl were finished, or at least they no longer sounded like dying walruses. The room turned fuzzy around the edges. Sue took several deep breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth. She would rather die than show weakness by fainting in front of these squawking glee mouth breathers. Especially right now when she'd have all these lunatics lurking over her helpless body.

Everything was spinning out of control and she had to get a grip. Goth Girl always wore batshit crazy clothes, and Sue desperately hoped that the cat ears were some new undead fashion. Chinese people were supposed to be smart. Or, at least smarter than the rest of those mixed-breed mutts with delusions of Broadway.

"Vampire Girl," yelled Sue, eyeing the leash in her hand.

"Yes, Coach Sue," said Santana, smiling to show her...fangs?

"I mean Asian Hello Kitty," snapped Sue.

"Tina only wishes she were a vampire like me instead of a freaky cat hybrid who goes into heat and lusts after Blaine's leaky nipples."

"I can't help it, Santana!" shouted Blaine. "My hormones are making me insane an the only thing that keeps me calm is Tina's raspy tongue." He threw himself at Kurt and started sobbing on his shoulder.

"Thanks a lot, Satan," hissed Kurt. "Now he isn't going to want to practice singing for the school assembly."

Sue opened her mouth and no sound came out. Everything had been normal this morning. She'd woken up, drank some master cleanse, and got to school early enough to sneak the.... Oh, fuck, thought Sue. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She glanced over at the piano where a plate of cookie crumbs sat innocently. This was all her fault.

She'd been talking to Nubian Nemesis about how sure she was that Will was a sex deviant and if she could just prove it, That Idiot would have to fire Schue's crazy ass and she would get her budget back. Well, she'd actually been venting loudly to herself in the teacher's lounge and Black Sue had overheard. That afternoon, Roz gave Sue a pouch of powder that she assured would "bring all his freaky sexed-up fantasies to life" if she snuck some into his food. She didn't think Swimfan would want to actually poison Will. And Sue didn't believe in voodoo bullshit. Sure, he'd probably get sick, but reasoned she could keep an eye on Mr. Chia Pet Hair. If he started dying, she'd call 911 and he'd owe her his life. She'd cackled maniacally at all the embarrassing and degrading things she could get him to do. Or she could call a taxidermist so she could mount his perfectly preserved head in her trophy cabinet and use it as a scratching post for the kitten she would get. Ether way was a win.

So Sue had baked cookies with the powder. Or rather, threatened her maid into making them. Close enough. And she'd gotten Becky to sneak them into Shue's office with a love note signed Emma. Sue had so many names for Ginger Pygmy that she'd actually had to get out an old yearbook and look up her name.

Note to self - never eat anything Roz may have prepared.

Aretha held a plant up between her and Surfer Ken Doll and blew on it. A powdery substance drifted into his face and his eyes glazed over.

Cancel that - never touch ANYTHING Roz may have touched.

"Okay, Glee club," said Kurt in a loud voice. "Time to practice. Group number first, then Finn and Sugar are singing "Father Figure" and we'll finish up with "For Your Entertainment." He turned to Wheels. "Are you sure you won't sing with us?"

"Can't do it, yo. Rory'll kill me."

"Rory the Leprechaun?" asked Brittany. "I thought he took his magic rainbow back to leprechaun land. I haven't seen him for weeks."

"He's right over there," said Santana, pointing to where Leprechaun lay across Wrestler Girl's lap getting spanked.

"No, Rory my dog," said Wheels. "He gets jealous, so if I do the orgy number with you guys, he won't fuck me for at least a month."

"That sucks," said Brittany. "If he cuts you off, you can borrow Charity. She doesn't have a dog dick, but she can use as many tentacles as you want." She held the squirming Cat-thulu out to Wheels. Sue looked closely and the mutant pet and it blinked at her. It fucking blinked.

The last, desperate hope that this was one of Will's messed up jokes died a violent death.

Boy Preggers sucked in a breath. "I'm gonna sit this one out, too. The baby's acting up."

"Places everyone else," called Kurt. He took center stage and the Unholy Trio and Surfer Ken Doll, who was only wearing gold underwear, draped themselves on Kurt while the rest of the club, except Wheels and Boy Preggers, took places behind them.

The music began and Brittany, Santana, and Quinn started singing.

Uh me so horny

Uh, uh me so horny

Uh me so horny

Me love you long time

The three girls rubbed up against Kurt, who started singing about his hard dick was and how he wanted to do a bunch of girls. Sue couldn't reconcile flaming gay Kurt Hummel with they boy talking about boy pussy and wanting to fuck girls.

Surfer Ken spun Kurt around and started kissing him. Trying to stick his tongue down Porcelain's throat and reach his toes, kissing him.

Brittany stopped singing and leaned back. "I think some of the sex pollen got on Kurt. We should let them finish or they won't be able to sing the song."

Kurt backed Blondie over to a chair, pushed him into it and straddled his lap. Boy. Preggers started crying and Asian Hello Kitty crossed the room. "Shhh, Blaine," she soothed. "It'll wear off in a few minutes and everything will be fine."

"No it won't," sobbed Blaine. "I'll still be fat and Sam'll still be hot."

"Let's practice for the orgy," said Brittany. "Girl pile!" She grabbed Santana and then pulled Quinn and Shrieky New Girl into the mix. "Don't squish Charity," Brittany cautioned.

Kurt moaned and Blondie said, "Fuck yeah!"

This was a day that would go down in history. The day she went and asked William for help out of guilt. She didn't know what to do, but if Aretha drugged Blondie and Kurt, she needed to put a stop to this. After all the crap Porcelain had been through, she couldn't let it continue.

She ran out of the room, screaming for Will.

XXXXXXXXXX

Will Shuester stared at the coffee maker, one elbow leaning on the counter, waiting for it to brew. His glee kids were acting - twitchy. It was the only word for it. Emma must have used too much sugar in the cookies because everyone had been weirdly excited about them. Except she was OCD and he couldn't imagine that happening. He'd slept terrible the night before and he needed caffein if he wanted to deal with the kids. They had to pick three songs for the end of year pep assembly. He been ready to strangle Rachel for repeatedly demanding they do Barbara, so he figured he needed a time out. And coffee. He knew hoping they would come up with a workable set list by the time he got back was futile. He'd probably have to completely change it. If he was lucky, though, they would have picked at least one song.

Sue burst into the teach lounge, gasping for breath and flushed. "Will," she panted, "the glee kids. You gotta come now."

"What wrong?" he demanded. "If this is a joke..."

She glared. "Do you think I would run over here screaming if there wasn't a serious problem. Come on," she hissed.

Will ran after her, praying she was blowing it out of proportion. Sue slammed open the door to the choir room and stopped so suddenly he bumped into her. From the way Sue had been yelling, he'd figured there must be on fire or something worse, but he hadn't expected this.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Nothing," said Kurt, who sat calmly, his legs crossed and filing his nails. "Rachel won't shut up about Barbara and the rest of us got tired of arguing with her. We figured we should wait for you to mediate. You know, before you let Rachel sing what she wants."

Will tried not to visibly wince. He wasn't as fare about songs and solos as he should be and he knew it. Rachel was so good and she wanted it so bad. It was hard to feature other people.

Looking around, Brittany and Santana had their pinkies linked. Mike and Tina were leaned over a phone, probably texting. The rest of the students were chatting quietly with their neighbors. Everything seemed fine. The only thing that was off, as far as he could tell, was that they weren't arguing over the set list. Maybe they were getting more mature? Unlikely, but possible.

He turned to Sue, wondering what had set her off, not that it would take much. Her mouth opened and closed several times before yelling, "What happened to the orgy?"

"Um," said Finn, looking around confused. "I know you think all our performances end in a sex riot, but...uh...an orgy would be kinda bad for at school. And I don't want to have sex with most of the people in here. Or in front of my brother. No offense."

Sue looked around wildly. "You." She pointed at Blaine. "You said you're pregnant and have a boy pussy. And you." She gestured at Puck. "You were in a dress."

"Sue," said Will, a warning tone in his voice. "That's not an appropriate way to talk to the kids. It isn't funny."

"What's not funny, William, is your students using sex pollen to drug other students and talking about boy pussies and girl peens."

Will blinked several times. "Girls have...girl parts and boys, boy parts. A person with girl parts is biologically a girl."

"That's what I told them, but-" She threw her arms up in the air. "I know what I saw. Brittany had a green tentacle cat and she was having sex with it right here in the classroom."

Grinding his teeth together, he looked at Brittany. She must had said or done something and Sue was misinterpreting it. Brittany lived in her own little world where reality rarely intruded. "Brittany, do you have a green tentacle cat?" He braced himself for what was likely to be a nonsense answer.

"No," she said.

He turned to Sue. "Well?"

"I - I." She closed her mouth.

Will put a hand on her shoulder and she immediately shoved it off. "I think you should go see the nurse."

"I'm not gong to see that quack," Sue snapped.

"Okay, but you can see nothing is happening in here and something is going on with you."

"The only thing wrong with me is them," she pointed at the students. "Ahhhh!" she screamed in his face and stormed out of the room. Several crashes and bangs came from the hallway followed by a thud. This would not be the first time Sue had caused a destructive rage when she didn't get her way. He chased after her to try and convince her to get some professional help.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kurt continued filing his nails after the two teachers left. He figured why waste a perfectly good opportunity to make sure he looked his best. That way he could get right to buffing them when he got home and have more time to pretend to watch trashy reality TV while making out with his boyfriend.

Mr. Schue must have been unable to catch her, because he returned a few moments later. Coach Sue was surprisingly fast when she was pissed. Which she pretty much always was.

The glee teacher crossed his arms and glared at the class. "I know you guys did something to Sue. Start talking." The students exchanged glances, a few looking down at their hands or biting their lips. "Well?"

Kurt let out a huffing breath. "Have you ever seen the movie 'Summer School?' It came out in the 80's."

"No."

"It's about a bunch of misfit kids stuck in summer school. The school replaces the teacher they liked with a sub they don't. Two of the kids were obsessed with 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.' So they did everybody's makeup and clothes to look like the movie, the sub walks in and sees dead bodies and blood everywhere, she quits on the spot, and they got their teacher back. We did something along those lines."

"Coach Sue'll leave us alone for a while," said Santana. "She thinks this was all her fault."

Mr. Schue ran his fingers through his hair. "What did you do?"

Brittany put her hand up and waved it, bouncing in her seat. "I know, I know! Ask me."

Sighing, Mr. Schue said, "Brittany?"

"I overheard Coach Sue was going to give you sex cookies so we pretended to eat them and had a ménage a four. It was fun. I even got bring Charity to school," said Brittany, pulling a teal and green blob out of her bag.

"Is that what Sue meant by a octopus cat?" he asked.

"She isn't an octopus cat. She's an octopussy," said Brittany, enunciating each syllable. "I told and told Lord Tubbington not to sleep with that octopus bitch, but would he listen, nooooooo. That's why he started smoking."

Kurt put his hand up and didn't wait to be called on to start speaking. "Blaine, here, told us about a bunch of extreme sex stuff people write about on fanfic kink memes and so we all picked out favorite one." He shrugged. "Sue thought we were having a drug induced sex riot dialed up to eleven. The look on her face while we discussed Blaine's pregnancy was priceless."

Mr. Schue got an odd look on his face. "Your favorite crazy sex thing is being pregnant?"

"No. I mean, Kurt and I would have beautiful children. But Sue told me once she wanted me to join the Cheerio's because I'm a bottom. Which didn't make any sense because I'm not. Not really."

"Wanky," said Santana. "Get. Some. Hummel."

"Sweetie," said Kurt, "I think she wanted you on the bottom of the pyramid."

"Oh," said Blaine, blushing.

"Have you thought about joining?" asked Kurt. "You'd look hot in the uniform."

"What were you guys thinking?" demanded Will."

"We were thinking we know how to change clothes fast enough to pull that shit off," said Santana. She high-fived Quinn.

"Enough." Mr. Schue rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes. "The set list?"

"We practiced 'Me, So Horny' with Kurt singing lead," said Brittany. "But he got hit with the sex pollen so we stopped and had a girl orgy."

"I give up," Mr. Schue yelled. "Your assignment for tonight is to come up with two realistic suggestions for what we can sing at the assembly. Anyone making inappropriate suggestions will not have them considered or be eligible for a solo. No show tunes, no Barbara, and nothing sexual. Go."

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Blaine felt fantastic. They could now go over to Kurt's house almost an hour earlier than planned and he'd have time to get his boyfriend naked. Watching Kurt make out with Sam had gotten him all wound up. He waited, with as much patience as a teenager can when there is an empty house waiting, for Kurt to finish talking to Mercedes.

Brittany wandered over, stroking her whatever the octopussy actually was. "Charity says Kurt is super hot and she wants to go home with you two."

"I'm not sure I feel comfortable using your sex toy, sorry," said Blaine.

Rolling her eyes, Brittany said, "Charity isn't a toy." She shoved the octopussy into Blaine's hands. "And don't let her eat pussy. She isn't part cannibal."

Blaine blinked. "You know I have a dick, right?

Brittany waved her hand dismissively. "Whatever, just give her a bath when you're done." She pushed Artie's wheelchair out of the choir room without getting her backpack.

"I can't believe Coach Sue believed we ate the sex cookies and went crazy," said Kurt.

"I know." Blaine grabbed his jacket. "Like we need sex cookies for that."

Threading his arm through his boyfriend's, Kurt said, "Did Brittany forget someone?" The pet climbed up on Blaine's shoulder, nuzzled his neck, and began purring.

"She's letting us borrow her."

"We're lucky Brittany's letting us take you home," said Kurt, scratching Charity under her chin. "I'm her favorite ex. Mike and Tina don't get to play with her because they both have pussies."

"Doesn't Charity eat Brittany out?" asked Blaine.

"Brittany says she's half unicorn, so if the octopus half of Charity eats the unicorn half of her, it's fine."

Blaine shook his head. "So what's everyone doing tonight with their extra time?"

"Sam and Mercedes are going to get the real sex pollen plant and see how much they can inhale before they rip each others clothes off and Santana and Quinn decided they like making out and they're going to get a hotel room. I think Quinn misses getting fucked and has decided girl peen will work. Brittany mumbled something about wanting to have puppies so she's going to Artie's. Almost everyone else has some elaborate vampire and werewolf role play thing they want to do. Full moon's tomorrow so Sugar should be able to turn tonight and Rory can vamp out when he wants. And I don't want to hear about what Finn and Rachel are planning. Yuck! At least they're going to her house."

Blaine leaned over and whispered in Kurt's ear, "You looked so hot kissing Sam. If we ask him to join us, what do you think Mercedes would say?"

"Hopefully, 'Can I video it,' and then you could watch it as many times as you wanted."

Blaine swallowed. "Call them now and tell them to bring the plant."

Glaring at his boyfriend, Kurt said, "If you get Charity high and Brittany gets pissed, I'm letting her bring a paddle over and spank your ass red. And you don't get to come till she says so." Kurt swept out of the choir room.

Blaine followed, wondering how much sex pollen it took to get an octopussy high.

The End!