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TRIGGER WARNING. SPOILERS FOR "ON MY WAY". Kurt shares his story when Mr. Schue broaches the topic of suicide in their sharing circle. No one knew how he felt all of last year. Except maybe Blaine, who might know exactly just what Kurt's talking about.


T - Words: 959 - Last Updated: Feb 29, 2012
1,437 0 4 5
Categories: Angst, Drama, Romance,
Characters: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Mercedes Jones, Quinn Fabray, Will Schuester,
Tags: established relationship, OMG CREYS, hurt/comfort,

Author's Notes: While I appreciate Will's attempt to help the kids understand what suicidal kids go through, I think it would have been more effective and poignant if one of the kids talked about it. This is that.

"Mr. Schue," Mercedes' voice rang out across the circle of students. "I know we're a little dramatic, but I don't think any of us would consider taking their own life."

 

The Glee Club was silent for a moment. Rory licked his spoon.

 

"I did." Kurt's voice was uncharacteristically soft.

 

Mercedes and Rachel's head spun towards him. "What?"

 

Kurt looked down at his crossed legs, his fingers twining in the fabric of his jacket to pull it tighter around himself. His shoulders hunched against the stares of his friends. "Before I came out, it wasn't too bad. Obviously, given the choice, I wouldn't have wanted to get slushied or thrown in dumpsters but I learned to live with it."

 

He heard Puck suck in a breath at this. Kurt met his eyes and Puck seem to implore him for forgiveness. Kurt offered him a small, strained smile.

 

"But after I came out... The bullying became worse and... Well, you guys just don't get it." His eyes involuntarily raked over Quinn. "I'm not denying that you all had your problems but it feels like last year I just couldn't catch a break."

 

Kurt unclasped his hands from where they had been wrapped around his ankles. He ran them over his face, rubbing at his eyes to keep the tears at bay. 

"Everything seemed like it was piling up into this mountain I would never be able to overcome. My dad was in the hospital because of the stress of having a gay son. My grades had started slipping. And the bullying... Never had I been so afraid to stand in the hallway. I flinched every time I saw anyone dressed in the colour red coming towards me. Every few minutes, I'd be slammed into the lockers, have my books knocked out of my hands, be called 'Ladyface' or 'homo' or 'fag'. I went through a dozen or so bottles of concealer to cover the bruises I had everyday. They never seemed to fade, and I'd have to reapply during lunch sometimes and then they'd find me in the bathroom, putting on make-up - "

 

Kurt couldn't stop the sob from tearing out of his throat. His shoulders shuddered as he tried to compose himself but every time he took a ragged breath, he would wheeze it back out. His vision blurred and his hands clenched and unclenched.

 

A warm hand filled his and another wiped the tears from his cheeks. Blaine kneeled in front of him, looking down at him with a sad smile. He kept his hand in Kurt's as he moved beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to steady them. Kurt leaned into Blaine's side.

 

After a moment to collect himself, Kurt continued, his voice more sure and clam. "After David kissed me, I definitely hit a low point. We were doing boys versus girls, and I realize that I'm not the easiest person to get along with but Glee club was the last place I thought I'd ever be treated like I was too much of a gay-faced fag to even be on the boys team."

 

At this, the boys shifted uncomfortably, well aware of what Kurt was talking about. Sometimes, it was easy for them to forget that Kurt was a boy because he hung out with the girls a lot, and talked about this chick Diana Ross and wore sequins. But Kurt was a good guy with an amazing voice, and they should have done more to protect them from Karofsky.

 

Kurt shouldered on, determined to finish his story. "It felt like I was hated for who I was on all sides. Too girly for the jocks, too theatrical for the boys and the wrong gender for the girls. And I couldn't win, couldn't find acceptance. And when David threatened me, well, I felt like maybe I should just kill myself. Do it for him. Why should he catch my homo germs?" Kurt sarcastically asked the group. Blaine pressed his face into Kurt's shoulder and tugged him closer.

 

The rest of the Glee club was silent for a few moments, trying to process what Kurt was saying. That he had wanted to die last year, to be put out of his misery. And none of them noticed, or cared, or did anything about it. Kurt came to Glee club for a haven like the rest of them, and they had made it unsafe for him. Sniffles echoed in the auditorium.

 

Finally, Quinn broke the silence in a very small voice. "What happened?"

 

"Well," Kurt replied, squeezing Blaine's hand, "you might say I found a little courage and life started to look up."

 

Kurt's smile was subdued as he looked to Mr. Schuester, but it was there. The teacher seemed to understand and took up the dialogue. "Kurt saw that things get better. Guys, we all have things to look forward to in our lives. Let's go around. What's something you're looking forward to seeing in the future?"

 

As members of the club started to speak, Blaine pressed a kiss into Kurt's hair. 

 

"You okay?" he whispered.

 

"Yeah. Are you?"

 

"I love you," Blaine replied instead.

 

Kurt looked at him curiously before squeezing his hand. "I love you."

 

Blaine moved to sit behind Kurt, pulling him in between his legs. "I," he said, "am looking forward to marriage equality in all 50 states."

 

Kurt wound his fingers around the arms that gripped his waist. "I'm looking forward to watching my dad make a difference in Congress."

 

Blaine squeezed him tighter closer into his chest. Kurt's thumb found a small scar along Blaine's wrist, and he passed over it a few times. Blaine's other hand came over his, stilling it. Kurt brought it up to his lips, softly kissing it before returning his attention to the group, cheering at the notion of winning regionals.

 

They all had their own stories to tell.


Comments

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Probably the best of these I've read. This was seriously amazing. And the ending is beautiful.

the "i found a little courage' line was great!!! i realy liked it because in the epizode i figured he would tell some sort of story but he never did. great job

Thanks! Yeah, I found the way it was handled a little bit... callous. But I'm glad you enjoyed it :).