When Shadows Are Not As Dark

(part of the Hundred Ways verse)

2015

Some nights Kurt just hurts inside.

He doesn't know why, really. All he knows for certain is that the pain hasn't gone away. It's been with him for so long now, he can't remember what life was like before it existed.

"Blaine." He's sobbing into the sheet that lies rumpled beneath him. "Blaine, I can't live like this anymore."

The dark curls of Blaine's hair cast a shadow on Kurt's back. He hums soft assurances, lying down beside Kurt and stroking his cheek with one finger, desperately trying to get him to look up. As Kurt makes more incoherent sounds, his rants and sobs muffled by the bedclothes, Blaine feels his heart split in two.

He can't remember the last time Kurt felt like this. He's starting to think the forgetfulness is intentional.

"Kurt," Blaine soothes. "You won't feel like this for very long. I promise." Blaine has no way of knowing for sure if things will improve within the next few hours, but seeing as they usually do, he's hoping this will just run its course.

"This keeps happening!" Kurt sits up suddenly. "Yeah, it passes but every time it goes away we're both just waiting for it to come back. I don't understand what's going on inside my head anymore!"

Stunned by Kurt's outburst – the desperation in his voice is so pronounced Blaine is truly fearful for the first time in a long while – Blaine moves to sit behind Kurt, letting him lean against his chest.

"I'm calling your doctor in the morning," Blaine says, chewing his lower lip. "You're going to be okay."

Every time Kurt falls to pieces, whether that happens in the middle of the night or during the day when they're on the couch together, watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, Blaine is there to help his boyfriend come together again, and despite all of Blaine's shortcomings, he knows this devotion must count for something. It's not as though it's a chore to him. He does this out of love.

Kurt and Blaine are both aware that if the situation were reversed, the care and love shown towards each other would be the same. Blaine has had to explain time and time again to Kurt that he truly doesn't see the boy's depressive tendencies as a burden. More than anything, he just wants to fix it once and for all.

But because they're Kurt and Blaine, because the world has never been kind to either of them, the depression is constantly present – like it's a living entity.

Kurt whimpers, turning so his face is pressed against the material of Blaine's pajama shirt as he begins to cry harder, leaving a damp patch of tears against the fabric that increases in size as Blaine tries yet again to calm him.

"Hey." Blaine runs his hand along Kurt's back, feeling the bones in Kurt's spine jut out beneath his fingers every time Kurt exhales. "I'm here. I've got you. Just breathe."

At that, Kurt makes a truly inhuman sound, a sort of drowning gasp. "I don't know how," he cries, eyes wide with panic.

Blaine understands the feeling, at least to some degree. Only twice in his lifetime has he felt fear so pronounced it seemed to actually constrict his lungs – it's a feeling of terror like nothing else that can be experienced.

"Try." Blaine's voice wavers as he tips Kurt's chin upwards, looking into his eyes. "Look at me, Kurt, and just try to breathe…please."

"I can't."

"Yes you can."

Eventually, he does.

They both know the relief is only temporary, but some problems can only be dealt with – truly vanquished - in the light of day, when shadows are not as dark and hope can still be found hiding among them.