thatgleekychick
Dec. 12, 2011, 3:07 p.m.
in the morning let me down
He could deal with his own thoughts about Blaine. He could compartmentalize them into tiny little pieces that he could deal with. But having Blaine standing in the same room, not speaking, hardly looking at him, that was unbearable.
T - Words: 1,714 - Last Updated: Dec 12, 2011 1,396 0 0 0 Categories: Angst, Characters: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel,
Stay all through the night and in the morning let me down.
It was the last summer get together before everyone went off to their respected corners of the world. The McKinley High School graduating class of 2012 would go off to their different colleges. Some in LA, some in Chicago, some in Ohio. Kurt and Rachel were leaving in the morning for New York and NYADA. The juniors, now seniors, would stay in Lima. They would finish their high school careers before going off to explore the world. It may very well have been the last time all fourteen of them were together in one place.
It wasn’t until Kurt was saying goodbye to Brittany that his eyes caught Blaine’s. It had been two weeks since their big fight that sub sequentially led to their break up. Kurt was certain that it was all brought up because of their impending separation, but things were said that couldn’t be taken back, even if they weren’t true. Kurt squeezed Brittany a little tighter, their embrace now mirroring the feeling in his heart. The feeling that the first boy he ever really loved was looking at him with such distain that he wasn’t sure if he could breath while Blaine was looking at him like that. Kurt doesn’t know if the look in Blaine’s eyes is hurt or hate but his eyes were hard, and they made Kurt ache inside.
Rachel grabbed onto Kurt’s hand pulling him away from Brittany and the crowd towards the door, his gaze moving away from Blaine’s. Kurt plastered his face with the best smile he could muster and waved goodbye as Rachel dragged him out to the car they’d come together in.
“You okay?” she asked as she climbed into the driver’s side.
“Yeah,” Kurt said getting in the car after her, trying hard to cover up the fact that his head was spinning from all the thoughts running through his head from the last three and a half minutes. Since the moment Kurt’s eyes locked with Blaine’s he’d been able to think of nothing but their fight, their words, and the current state of Blaine’s eyes.
“You’re lying,” Rachel said turning her key in the ignition and then turning to look at her best friend.
“Just-leave it alone,” Kurt said, “We’ve got an important day tomorrow.”
Kurt heard Rachel sigh as he turned away from her to look out the window as she took off down the street to drop Kurt off at home. Kurt’s mind focused only on streetlights and the few other cars on the road. He didn’t want to think about it all but it was consuming him. Tomorrow was one of the most important days of his life, and he couldn’t let the thoughts of his finished relationship with Blaine bring tears to his eyes, when he should be smiling. Kurt could practically hear Rachel struggling with herself not to continue her interrogation as they pulled into the driveway of the Hummel-Hudson house. Putting on another smile, Kurt hugged his best friend before getting out of the car, offering an ‘I’ll be okay’ before closing the door and going quietly into his house.
His dad and Carole were asleep and Finn was still at the party, so the house held a rare eerie silence as Kurt padded up the stairs to his bedroom shutting the door behind him. He sat down on top of his bed and looked at the giant mass of boxes and suitcases that stood in the corner of his room. He felt like his future was packed into those boxes. Well most of it. There would be things that he’d leave behind, things he couldn’t take with him, things that didn’t fit in a box.
Like Blaine.
Kurt always knew that the distance was going to be hard on his relationship with Blaine, but he thought he’d already be in New York before it happened. He didn’t think they’d have a fight in the middle of August that would end everything. It was abrupt and it was painful. But the part Kurt hated the most, was how final it felt. He hated how with just a few words Blaine had gone from his boyfriend and his best friend, to something he would only speak of in the past tense. He hated how he would only exchange awkward glances and nervous hellos, if they ever encountered each other again. And they would.
Kurt was jarred from his thoughts by the loud ringing of his cell phone. It was past midnight, he hadn’t locked the door so he knew it wasn‘t Finn trying to get inside. He was convinced it was Rachel until he picked up the his iPhone and there was a familiar picture of him and Blaine looking at him, the other boy’s name displayed below.
Kurt hesitated, his thumb lingering over the screen unable to decide if choosing green or red was the better choice. What could Blaine possibly have to say? What more could they argue about? Kurt didn’t know, but the fact was that Blaine was calling so late for a reason, and he couldn’t live not knowing.
Kurt chose green, and for a moment didn’t say anything, only put the phone up to his ear. He could hear Blaine breathing on the other side.
“I’m surprised you answered,” Blaine said without a greeting, “Please don’t hang up.”
“Why?” Kurt questioned almost instantly.
“Because, I’m outside your house. Can I come in?”
“My parents-”
“Are asleep and I know Finn is still at Santana’s,” Blaine said getting a sigh in response from Kurt, “Look, I’ve just got to say this and then you can kick me out.”
Kurt hesitated for a moment before speaking, “I’ll-I’ll be right down.”
Two minutes later, Kurt was back in his bedroom, the door closed, Blaine standing on the other side of his bed. They hadn’t said anything to each other, they just paced around silently. It was destroying Kurt. He could deal with his own thoughts about Blaine. He could compartmentalize them into tiny little pieces that he could deal with. But having Blaine standing in the same room, not speaking, hardly looking at him? That was unbearable.
“If you’re here when the sun comes up, Carole might have a problem,” Kurt said, his hands tucked into the pockets of the jeans he had never changed out of.
“She didn’t seem to care the last time,” Blaine said as his eyes moved up to, for the first time since entering the room, meeting Kurt’s.
“Why are you here Blaine? You’ve made your opinion of me and our relationship very clear.”
“You can’t go away until you hear what I have to say. And it may not change a thing, but if we never see each other again, I can’t let you spend the rest of your life thinking that I hate you.”
“But you said-”
“I know what I said. I wish I could take half of it back. But I was just so scared and then everything got out to control so fast,” Blaine said, his voice wavering as he fought to hold back tears.
“Scared of what?”
“You’re going to New York, Kurt. And not for a weekend visit to NYADA to check out the campus, you’re actually going away with bags packed and minus the occasional weekend, you won’t be back until Thanksgiving. You’re going to live in New York. And that’s where you’ll find him.”
“Find who?”
“All I know is that his name will match your’s a lot better.”
“I like the way Kurt and Blaine sounds.”
“But he’ll be there and I won’t. And you’ll finally have another option-”
“Blaine, do you actually believe that I was only with you because there aren’t tons of gay boys in Lima? If you do then I’m not sure you and are were in the same relationship,” Kurt said unearthing the arguments from the fight that had led to their break up.
“I don’t think that’s w-why. But there are so many other people in New York.”
“But they won’t be you, Blaine.”
Blaine’s eyes darted around the room, looking everywhere but at Kurt. He tried to catch them, he wanted Blaine to see. He wanted Blaine to know how true his words were. He wanted Blaine to know that even though he had accused Kurt of not being as emotionally invested as himself in their relationship, that Kurt could forgive him. He could forgive Blaine as long as Blaine understood that it wasn’t true.
“Does hearing that change anything Blaine? Do you even believe me?” Kurt asked. There was no need to hide the desperate plea hidden inside his words.
“I don’t know,” Blaine said, “I-I mean I believe you. But I’m not sure if it changes anything. Should it?”
“I don’t know,” Kurt said.
Blaine doesn’t say anything, but began to toe off his shoes. Kurt watched him as he stood in the middle of his room in his bare feet before walking towards Kurt’s bed and sitting himself down on top of the comforter.
“What are you doing?” Kurt asked.
“Join me,” Blaine said motioning to the spot next to him.
“What about us?”
“We’ll figure it out in the morning,” Blaine said.
“I’m leaving in the morning,” Kurt whispered.
“I know,” Blaine said, “So for right now, we’ll just lay here. And in the morning, we’ll know.”
Kurt looked down at Blaine before bending down to remove his own shoes. Blaine leaned back against the headboard as Kurt joined him on the bed. After a moment of hesitation from both boys, they were nothing but a mass of tangled limbs.
They barely kissed; only sharing light touches. The whole thing reminded Kurt of the moments after the first time they made love. Except in that moment, Kurt felt like it was just the beginning. Now Kurt wasn’t sure if they’d arrived at the end. They shared whispered conversations, but neither boy was allowed to bring up the question that would rise with the sun.
And when the first sign of light came through Kurt’s window, the answer became clear and Blaine kissed Kurt’s forehead before tip toeing out of the house leaving Kurt to cry himself to the few hours of sleep he had before he took off to New York and the rest of his life.
It was the last summer get together before everyone went off to their respected corners of the world. The McKinley High School graduating class of 2012 would go off to their different colleges. Some in LA, some in Chicago, some in Ohio. Kurt and Rachel were leaving in the morning for New York and NYADA. The juniors, now seniors, would stay in Lima. They would finish their high school careers before going off to explore the world. It may very well have been the last time all fourteen of them were together in one place.
It wasn’t until Kurt was saying goodbye to Brittany that his eyes caught Blaine’s. It had been two weeks since their big fight that sub sequentially led to their break up. Kurt was certain that it was all brought up because of their impending separation, but things were said that couldn’t be taken back, even if they weren’t true. Kurt squeezed Brittany a little tighter, their embrace now mirroring the feeling in his heart. The feeling that the first boy he ever really loved was looking at him with such distain that he wasn’t sure if he could breath while Blaine was looking at him like that. Kurt doesn’t know if the look in Blaine’s eyes is hurt or hate but his eyes were hard, and they made Kurt ache inside.
Rachel grabbed onto Kurt’s hand pulling him away from Brittany and the crowd towards the door, his gaze moving away from Blaine’s. Kurt plastered his face with the best smile he could muster and waved goodbye as Rachel dragged him out to the car they’d come together in.
“You okay?” she asked as she climbed into the driver’s side.
“Yeah,” Kurt said getting in the car after her, trying hard to cover up the fact that his head was spinning from all the thoughts running through his head from the last three and a half minutes. Since the moment Kurt’s eyes locked with Blaine’s he’d been able to think of nothing but their fight, their words, and the current state of Blaine’s eyes.
“You’re lying,” Rachel said turning her key in the ignition and then turning to look at her best friend.
“Just-leave it alone,” Kurt said, “We’ve got an important day tomorrow.”
Kurt heard Rachel sigh as he turned away from her to look out the window as she took off down the street to drop Kurt off at home. Kurt’s mind focused only on streetlights and the few other cars on the road. He didn’t want to think about it all but it was consuming him. Tomorrow was one of the most important days of his life, and he couldn’t let the thoughts of his finished relationship with Blaine bring tears to his eyes, when he should be smiling. Kurt could practically hear Rachel struggling with herself not to continue her interrogation as they pulled into the driveway of the Hummel-Hudson house. Putting on another smile, Kurt hugged his best friend before getting out of the car, offering an ‘I’ll be okay’ before closing the door and going quietly into his house.
His dad and Carole were asleep and Finn was still at the party, so the house held a rare eerie silence as Kurt padded up the stairs to his bedroom shutting the door behind him. He sat down on top of his bed and looked at the giant mass of boxes and suitcases that stood in the corner of his room. He felt like his future was packed into those boxes. Well most of it. There would be things that he’d leave behind, things he couldn’t take with him, things that didn’t fit in a box.
Like Blaine.
Kurt always knew that the distance was going to be hard on his relationship with Blaine, but he thought he’d already be in New York before it happened. He didn’t think they’d have a fight in the middle of August that would end everything. It was abrupt and it was painful. But the part Kurt hated the most, was how final it felt. He hated how with just a few words Blaine had gone from his boyfriend and his best friend, to something he would only speak of in the past tense. He hated how he would only exchange awkward glances and nervous hellos, if they ever encountered each other again. And they would.
Kurt was jarred from his thoughts by the loud ringing of his cell phone. It was past midnight, he hadn’t locked the door so he knew it wasn‘t Finn trying to get inside. He was convinced it was Rachel until he picked up the his iPhone and there was a familiar picture of him and Blaine looking at him, the other boy’s name displayed below.
Kurt hesitated, his thumb lingering over the screen unable to decide if choosing green or red was the better choice. What could Blaine possibly have to say? What more could they argue about? Kurt didn’t know, but the fact was that Blaine was calling so late for a reason, and he couldn’t live not knowing.
Kurt chose green, and for a moment didn’t say anything, only put the phone up to his ear. He could hear Blaine breathing on the other side.
“I’m surprised you answered,” Blaine said without a greeting, “Please don’t hang up.”
“Why?” Kurt questioned almost instantly.
“Because, I’m outside your house. Can I come in?”
“My parents-”
“Are asleep and I know Finn is still at Santana’s,” Blaine said getting a sigh in response from Kurt, “Look, I’ve just got to say this and then you can kick me out.”
Kurt hesitated for a moment before speaking, “I’ll-I’ll be right down.”
Two minutes later, Kurt was back in his bedroom, the door closed, Blaine standing on the other side of his bed. They hadn’t said anything to each other, they just paced around silently. It was destroying Kurt. He could deal with his own thoughts about Blaine. He could compartmentalize them into tiny little pieces that he could deal with. But having Blaine standing in the same room, not speaking, hardly looking at him? That was unbearable.
“If you’re here when the sun comes up, Carole might have a problem,” Kurt said, his hands tucked into the pockets of the jeans he had never changed out of.
“She didn’t seem to care the last time,” Blaine said as his eyes moved up to, for the first time since entering the room, meeting Kurt’s.
“Why are you here Blaine? You’ve made your opinion of me and our relationship very clear.”
“You can’t go away until you hear what I have to say. And it may not change a thing, but if we never see each other again, I can’t let you spend the rest of your life thinking that I hate you.”
“But you said-”
“I know what I said. I wish I could take half of it back. But I was just so scared and then everything got out to control so fast,” Blaine said, his voice wavering as he fought to hold back tears.
“Scared of what?”
“You’re going to New York, Kurt. And not for a weekend visit to NYADA to check out the campus, you’re actually going away with bags packed and minus the occasional weekend, you won’t be back until Thanksgiving. You’re going to live in New York. And that’s where you’ll find him.”
“Find who?”
“All I know is that his name will match your’s a lot better.”
“I like the way Kurt and Blaine sounds.”
“But he’ll be there and I won’t. And you’ll finally have another option-”
“Blaine, do you actually believe that I was only with you because there aren’t tons of gay boys in Lima? If you do then I’m not sure you and are were in the same relationship,” Kurt said unearthing the arguments from the fight that had led to their break up.
“I don’t think that’s w-why. But there are so many other people in New York.”
“But they won’t be you, Blaine.”
Blaine’s eyes darted around the room, looking everywhere but at Kurt. He tried to catch them, he wanted Blaine to see. He wanted Blaine to know how true his words were. He wanted Blaine to know that even though he had accused Kurt of not being as emotionally invested as himself in their relationship, that Kurt could forgive him. He could forgive Blaine as long as Blaine understood that it wasn’t true.
“Does hearing that change anything Blaine? Do you even believe me?” Kurt asked. There was no need to hide the desperate plea hidden inside his words.
“I don’t know,” Blaine said, “I-I mean I believe you. But I’m not sure if it changes anything. Should it?”
“I don’t know,” Kurt said.
Blaine doesn’t say anything, but began to toe off his shoes. Kurt watched him as he stood in the middle of his room in his bare feet before walking towards Kurt’s bed and sitting himself down on top of the comforter.
“What are you doing?” Kurt asked.
“Join me,” Blaine said motioning to the spot next to him.
“What about us?”
“We’ll figure it out in the morning,” Blaine said.
“I’m leaving in the morning,” Kurt whispered.
“I know,” Blaine said, “So for right now, we’ll just lay here. And in the morning, we’ll know.”
Kurt looked down at Blaine before bending down to remove his own shoes. Blaine leaned back against the headboard as Kurt joined him on the bed. After a moment of hesitation from both boys, they were nothing but a mass of tangled limbs.
They barely kissed; only sharing light touches. The whole thing reminded Kurt of the moments after the first time they made love. Except in that moment, Kurt felt like it was just the beginning. Now Kurt wasn’t sure if they’d arrived at the end. They shared whispered conversations, but neither boy was allowed to bring up the question that would rise with the sun.
And when the first sign of light came through Kurt’s window, the answer became clear and Blaine kissed Kurt’s forehead before tip toeing out of the house leaving Kurt to cry himself to the few hours of sleep he had before he took off to New York and the rest of his life.