Looking back I wonder, in the future, will I still wish that I'd been a couple of minutes early or that I'd just kept walking from the stairway, ignoring the sweet voice saying 'Excuse me'?

Will I still look back and wish I'd never looked up to be captured by those eyes? 

Please can I one day be able to look back and think it was the best thing that happened to me liked i'd been able to do up to a couple of months ago.

We were so naive, so young, so full of hope.  We thought there was nothing we couldn't handle together.  We'd been through so much together.  Fought for our right to be happy together.  Protected each other.  Supported each other.  Loved each other. Held each other.  As far as we were concerned we were soulmates, nothing could break us. 

I guess I missed the obvious. Typical. It wasn't being together all the time that would break us but being apart. 

You don't consider when you find the one you've been waiting for, the problems you will face further down the line.  Like, when they will occur?, what will cause them?.  You just see love and want to live for the moment grabing as much of life as you can.

You don't see what the small age different between you will mean nearly 2 years down the line when the one you love has to leave school while you must remain behind.  

As far as we were concerned moving from Dalton to join Kurt was the best thing ever.  I'd pick up Kurt in the morning, we'd head off for coffee then on to school.  We'd meet at the lockers at every break time and have lunch together and most of the time with the rest of the New Directions.  After school (and of course Glee club) we'd go back to Kurt's, have tea, do our homework then spend some time together before I'd head off home.  Even weekends we were together, i'd more often than not, stay over at Kurt's Friday and Saturday night. I was barely home but no one seemed to mind.

Our lives were like this for a year and a half and we were so happy.  It didn't hit us till after we won nationals that things were about to change. 

School started focusing on career paths, college admittance requirements, which meant Kurt has to start focusing on them too.  I didn't know what to do, what to feel.   As Kurt's boyfriend I wanted to support Kurt with this massive change in his life.  Try to help it go as smoothly as possible.  Everything was going to change for him.  Everything.  How do you prepare someone for that? 

With Kurt having to deal with so much, I felt selfish even thinking about how I was suppose to manage without Kurt being here.  I needed to shut my thoughts down.  I wasn't having to leave school,  move to the city,  leave all my friends.  We'd be fine, we would always be there for each other if we needed to. People leave their loved ones at home for months at a time without problems.  Its do-able.  I'd just have to get use to it that's all.

Kurt was emotionally up and down which was to be expected.  Things didn't go to plan regarding the college and graduation was a tearful event for us and eventually Kurt left for New York on his own terms but not before promising to always love me and to never say goodbye. 

I lived for those words, hoping they'd be enough to get both of us through the next year till we could be together again. They weren't.  Not for me anyway.

I always knew Kurt was the emotionally stonger one, he'd had to be over a many years so just dealt with it.  Dealt with the changes in his life, dealt with the different of pace and dealt with the different evironment. Its like he thrived on the challenges he faced.  Coping wasn't enough, he had to flourish at everything he tried there and amazingly it came so easy to him.   It never occured to him that those left behind were having a much harder time of it. 

I felt like such a failure. I was unable to deal with any of it.  I couldn't seem to find my feet, I couldn't find my place and I couldn't find a way to get through it.  I had not had to rely on just myself for so long i was unprepared for the loss when i returned to school.   Trying to move forward felt like walking through tar. I didn't realise by focusing on Kurt so much I'd not looked at what i'd be left with.

I was alone and lonely.  No matter how busy I was (23 clubs and counting), I still didn't fit.  In the end I realised I needed to talk to Kurt about this, see if he could help, give me some of his strength and guidance until I found my way because I was drowning.

Have you ever talked to someone one the phone who is making all the right noises but you know they are not listening, not caring, before they say goodbye and hang up on you?

It turns out if i feel hopeless, rejected, worthless, lost and cornered, it triggers my flight or fight tendencies.

In fact in this case, Flight, as to run away from dealing with feeling those said emotions and Fight as to find someone who would re-affirm my self worth in some way and give me comfort even if it turns out to be the cold kind.

If only I'd been able to sleep, been able to talk, been able to share, been able to find myself. 

I'd just needed a little time to think instead of just reacting.

Now, i guess all I do is think.  About what i did to us, to myself and worst of all to Kurt, who paid such a terrible price for being too busy to listen to a phone call. 

How do I take back what i did to him? How can i help him find a way to trust love again? How can I heal that for him? How do I help him learn to forgive? 

I just wish i'd just walked passed that day in the stairway.