Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 1-Epilogue

My Love,                            

The thing about my life is that although from the outside it seemed perfect, it was not.  I don't mean to sound under-appreciative, I thank God or the universe or what/whoever is out there every day that I have what I have.  But it is not perfect, and I am not perfect, or more specifically, my mind is not perfect.

You see the things I wrote about the last time, those weren't just dramatic elements I employed to get my point across or to sound profound, those were all real thoughts I've had, and I've struggled with.  The thing about having a “perfect” life, is that it leaves nothing to be desired.  I had no motivation, no challenge.  I was just existing for the sake of existing.  Sure I had hobbies and interests, goals even, but nothing driving me.  This life truly was pointless to me.  Life gave me some great things.  It gave me a great, stable household and family, money and toys, education.  And yet I utterly failed to live up to it.

I was unmotivated in high school.  I got by with decent marks but I never fully applied myself.  I never stood out in sports or academics or extra-curricular activities, besides music.  I always had talents and interests, but never really pursued them.  I abandoned my biggest dream and greatest opportunity, becoming a musician, in pursuit of a frivolous relationship that ended in pain and suffering.  I've been let down by others, and even worse I let myself down.  I let my family down, my friends, everyone who believed in me and thought I could do great things.  I took the gifts this world gave to me and let them all go to waste.

My dad always told me something, a saying he's used since I was just a little kid.  He always says, “What's the difference between unused potential, and no potential at all?  There is no difference.”  But I've come to realize he has been wrong, there is a very big difference.  The difference is the person with no potential, no opportunities, no options, has no choice.  They are dealt the hand they have been dealt and have no choice but to live with it, make the best of it.  However, the individual who has the opportunities, has the resources and abilities to succeed but chooses not to, is ultimately the biggest failure in the world.

And that was me.  I took every opportunity, every resource, every chance I've had to do good things for myself and for others, and threw them all away.  I abandoned the great things my family, my friends, and my country have offered to me and instead chose to spend my time playing games and doing nothing important.  Becoming a musician, that's my last ditch effort, my last hope that I could make something of myself.  That I could make some difference to this world, that not everything would have been wasted. 

Well, it was my last effort, my last hope, until you came into my life.  After getting to you know you, and seeing how much you've struggled with, and how much you've been through, I have a new purpose.  You've been through so much, and you've done so much for others, yet you had none of those things I had growing up.  You had every reason to quit, to give up on yourself and on life.  But here you are.  You have an amazing little boy that you've given everything to bring a happy, safe life to.  You took care of your family, you even try and take care of your friends when they turn on you, when they treat you horribly.

All you've ever tried to do is give a better life to other people, always at the expense of your own well-being.  You truly are the most amazing person I've ever known and will ever know.  And my purpose now, the reason for me being here, the reason I didn't go to New York and pursue music, didn't stay with my last boyfriend, have never moved away from home, got that job at the music store, the sole reason for everything now is to be with you and to give to you what you've been giving everyone else for so long.

You are it.  Everything now, everything I am and everything I do is for you.  It's for us, and our future.  I no longer want to become a musician because I like the idea of inspiring people with my lyrics, I want to be one to provide a good income and a stable household for you and our future children.  I no longer want to exercise and be in shape and learn martial arts out of interest and because it keeps me busy, I want to so I can be strong and healthy for you.  So I can be here for you and our kids for many years, and so I can protect you if I have to.

You've given everything of yourself to everyone, and now I want to give all of myself to you.  You are not just a boyfriend, not just a future husband.  You are literally everything in this world to me.  You justify my existence, you justify every good thing I've done, and every mistake I've ever made, because it's all led up to you.  So when you are going through troubles and you need my help, you need me to be there for you, never feel bad, because what you're doing for me is worth just as much if not more to me.  You're showing me what real happiness is, what really is important in this world.  When I look into the eyes of your child, and look past the silliness and the misbehaviour, which is normal little kid stuff anyways, I see a happy safe, and healthy child.  And you did that sweetheart.  And that's what I want to do to.  More than anything I want my life to mean something.  I want to be able to look back and say I was an important part of someone's life who needed and deserved to be loved and looked after.

It probably never would have meant anything without you.  I'd have just continued to be a loner, a self-indulged, self-centered jerk.  I'd have hooked up with some guy I didn't really care about.  Got a job in a run-down bar and probably let it absorb me, ruin my family life, ruin who I am.  I'd have ended up an empty shell of a man with no real meaning, no real purpose.

But when we got together, and you shared your struggles with me, you shared your heart and your love, it truly opened my eyes.  I want to be apart of every struggle, every hardship with you.  I want all of your problems to be mine to share as well.  I never want you to be alone again, I never want you to be hurt.  You deserve to be taken care of, to be loved the way you love.  And I know I'm the one to do that, because I have to be.  I need to be in order to repay you for how much you've changed who I am and how I look at things, and what I do things for.

I know you've had your doubts, you might still have some.  But sweetheart you once said we go through the bad things in life as a test.  And I believe that's true.  It's very easy to be happy and romantic and loving when life is perfect, like on the Bachelor and those silly reality TV shows.  Sure, they are happy and loving when they're living a fairy tale life on some island.  But, give them a dose of reality and they fall apart.  But our relationship has been anything but a fairy tale.  Together we've faced suffering and hardship that is often so terrible it sometimes leaves my entire body shaking with frustration, fear, anxiety, and anger.  I've gone to bed barely able to sleep because my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest.  I've been afraid to lose you to suicide, I've been afraid that someone would hurt you.  I've been afraid that you'd leave me.

But, here I am.  I never turned away.  I never left you, I never called it quits.  I've been through hell and back emotionally with you, for you, and I'm still here, still loving you as much as I always have.  And that right there is why this relationship is meant to last forever.  You see we've been tested this entire time.  We've been pushed to our limits, to our breaking point, and even though there's been rough patches, we always manage to get through it together.

And that's something those fairy tale Bachelor contestants can never say they've done.  That shows deep down what we're both made of, and that we truly, deeply love each other.  The fact that we've stuck though it is proof that our love is real.

One day these struggles will come to an end, and we will be living a comfortable, happy, safe life.  Imagine then, how strong our love will be, if it is so strong already?  Sweetheart, if I love you and you love me this much when we've been fighting, being kept from each other, when you've been hurt and controlled and pushed to the edge, then there's nothing in this world that can separate us.  Our love can endure everything, and we will come out of any challenge together, and stronger than ever.

You truly are the love of my life.  You are everything I could ever want, hope for, and need in a man, in a partner.  You complete every aspect of my life, you make every single ounce of pain, of hardship, worth living through.  I could live a thousand lives and none would ever be as perfect as this one if you weren't here.  You are the one person out of the 7 billion on planet Earth that makes every beat of my heart worth the effort.  You make every breath of air that goes into my lungs worth taking.  At the end of my life, I want to be able to look back and remember decades of amazing memories with you, with my love.

Turn around Kurt.