"He was –" His voice fails him again. Biting the inside of his cheek, Kurt blows air out of his mouth in a hopeless attempt to calm himself down. "He was my br–" He chokes, nearly unable to breathe. "He was my bro – brother," He manages at last.

  Blaine doesn't respond. What’s he supposed to say in a moment like this, with his own insides screaming with grief? He wants to wrap Kurt in his arms, to tell him that everything is going to be okay, but doesn't. He doesn't want to lie to him. Not now. Especially not now.

  "I ca –" Kurt chokes again. His face is tear streaked, his eyes bloodshot. His hands shakes where they’re placed in his lap, tightly gripping several napkins. He feels sick and exhausted with sadness, so tired but unable to sleep. "How am I supposed to – to go on when I know he's –" He bites his tongue, trying to stop the tears from falling. 

  "You, you just gotta…" Tears are running down Blaine's face as well. Finn had been a really important person in his life as well, and his passing was paining him deeply. He wasn't completely sure how to deal with the never-leaving pain in his body however. He cried, he did, but –it felt like that wasn't enough. It felt numb, like he wasn’t feeling all he wanted to be feeling about his friend leaving them forever. "I have no idea how," he sighs heavily, blinking slowly as another couple of heavy tears fall from his eyes.

  Kurt looks at Blaine then, really looks at him, and both of them nearly scream when they realize what they're both thinking: what if one of them were to… as well? What were they supposed to do then?

  Deaths of someone you love always scars you, always hurt you endlessly and beyond words. But what they also do is wake a fear inside of you, because if they could die then… then anyone else can too. Finn had always been this… this person who both of them always just… took for granted. He’d been the rock that never left. Finn had been there since the beginning, and he'd always been special in a strange way. And now he was dead. It was impossible to imagine. 

  "You can't…–" Kurt whispers brokenly.

  "Never," Blaine assures, taking his hand and stroking his thumb over the silver ring on Kurt's finger. Kurt draws a sharp breath. Both of them knows it's a lie, now more than ever; there’s no way to be certain that the two of them will be able to spend their lives together for ever and ever, that they’ll die old and wrinkly, happy and together until the very end as they were always supposed to be. Death doesn’t care about love and promises.

  "I'm never gonna stop missing him…" Kurt says after a while, voice quiet, as he looks down at their intertwined fingers. It feels like there’s some kind of creature eating and tearing at his heart. Knowing that Blaine’s there, to grieve with him and just… be there and be him, helped a little, but still not as much as he’d hoped.

  Again, Blaine doesn't respond. He knows that words aren't always needed, especially not in moments like these. He only squeezes Kurt's hand and shifts his body slightly closer to him. 

  “I don’t – I don’t believe in god,” Kurt tries to keep his voice calm and steady, but it’s so hard with that exhausting pain covering his entire existence, nearly suffocating him completely. “But who else am I supposed to be angry with?”

  “Be angry,” Blaine says, wrapping his free arm around Kurt’s wrist. 

  “But at what?” Kurt moves closer to Blaine, maybe subconsciously so, searching for his warmth, wanting it, needing it, to take away the cold in his body.

  “Nothing in particular.” Blaine says, trying to be strong, because Kurt needs him right now. It’s hard though, as he feels as if he’s on the verge of breaking down again. “Just be angry. You’re allowed to be.”

  “You’re not… you’re not supposed to be this wise when you’re grieving, you know.”

  Blaine tries his best to smile at that, and so does Kurt. Because they both know that that’s what they have to lean to do; smile even though it hurts.