Kurt walked briskly through the dimly lit aisles of the secluded Walgreens. He’d chosen one that was not close to home because, let’s face it, buying lube and condoms in Lima would just be mortifying. Everyone knew each other and word would get back to his dad and—Kurt didn’t want to think about what would happen if he found out.

So Kurt walked as fast as he could to the right aisle without looking creepy, and soon found himself standing in front of a wall full of condom brands.

“Shit,” he muttered to himself, staring at the selection. Blaine had told him to get a certain brand, but he couldn’t remember what it was called, probably because Blaine had his hand down Kurt’s pants and his tongue in Kurt’s mouth and Kurt really couldn’t remember anything except how good it felt when he heard Blaine moan like that—

Okay. Focus.

He walked over to the cookie aisle, not wanting to stay lurking in the condom section, and speed dialed Blaine’s number.

It rang a couple times before someone mumbled “hello?”. Kurt wasted no time.

“Okay Blaine, so I’m at this Walgreens in god-knows-where to buy the stuff, but I forgot what brand of condoms you wanted. And didn’t you say you wanted to try the flavored lube? ‘Cause they have it, but they don’t have the green apple flavor that you said would probably taste the best—”

“Kurt?”

It was only then that Kurt noticed this voice didn’t sound like Blaine at all, and this was also when Kurt’s mouth went dry when he recognized Finn’s voice. And an echo.

Meaning he was on speaker.

“I—oh my god.”

“Um…”

Neither one of them knew what to say. Kurt was grasping for words but they just wouldn’t come. He was left standing in the cookie aisle, mouth agape, and what he said to Finn was finally sinking in.

He just told his brother that he and Blaine had kinky deliciously flavored sex.

Kurt made a strangled noise and he could practically hear Finn blushing over the phone as he said, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell mom or your dad about…uh…yeah.”

Kurt breathed a shaky sigh of relief. “Thanks, Finn.”

“But, uh…some of the guys are here and I answered on speaker, so—”

There was shuffling on the other side of the line and a few voices, and then Puck’s voice was screaming in his ear.

“YEAH, GET IT, HUMMEL!”

Raucous laughter echoed on the other line and he could hear Finn fighting for his phone back. He retrieved it with a grunt and a couple seconds later, Finn’s voice was back.

“Don’t worry, it was only Puck, Mike, and Sam.”

“…If it was them three, then I think I have the right to worry. Oh my god.” Kurt hid his red face in his free hand and mumbled something incoherent, along the lines of “kill me now”.

“Dude, don’t worry—no, get away from my phone!—don’t worry, I won’t hold it over you. This never happened, okay?—Puck, shut the fuck up, Kurt is not ‘getting it’ with anyone!”

“Thanks Finn. I’m gonna hang up before this gets even more awkward.” Kurt sighed and ended the call and just stood there, trying to force himself to realize what had just happened. The store surrounding him seemed too normal, too stifling and he had to get out of there. Kurt all but ran outside, where he took several deep breaths before getting into his car and driving back to Lima.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, babe, I just remembered. Did you get the stuff?”

Kurt gave Blaine a withering look from his place on Blaine’s chest. He was silent for a few seconds before speaking.

“I am never using a cell phone ever again.”