Blaine had not slept in three days, not since before Eli. And now he was in bed just inches away from Kurt.

He’d come here because he’d discovered just how much he needed Kurt’s physical presence in his life, Kurt’s touches in his life, Kurt in his life. Without them he couldn’t even think clearly. Obviously. Because he’d known that what he had done was stupid, he knew it even as he had been there doing it, but it wasn’t until seeing Kurt and kissing him hello that it had hit him quite exactly how terribly, earth-shatteringly, tragically stupid it had been.

It would be so easy to touch Kurt. He would only need to move his hand a tiny bit and their skin would be resting together. Blaine ached for the calm he always felt when Kurt touched him. He needed it desperately, he felt at that moment like he needed it to go on living. But he didn’t move, because he thought that if he touched Kurt, Kurt was very likely to move away, and that would break him completely.

Blaine’s silent tears became gasps for air and then became sobs that wracked his whole body with convulsions. Kurt lay next to him, staring at the ceiling, silent.

Exhausted from three days of sleeplessness and self-torture, exhausted from seeing the pain he had caused for the person he loved most in the entire world, Blaine cried himself to sleep.

When the sound of crying stopped and Blaine’s breath evened into the telltale sign of sleep, Kurt finally turned his head to look. He’d always loved to watch Blaine sleep, on the few occasions they’d been able to spend the night or even just nap together. He always looked so peaceful and open and trusting. Except, now he didn’t. He looked wrecked. His face was red and streaked with dried tears, and his eyes looked swollen even though they were shut. He twitched restlessly in his sleep, too tired to wake himself but unable to find peace in his dreams.

It was too much to take, and Kurt knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway, so he got up and went to sit in the common area of the apartment, alone in the semi-darkness, alone with his thoughts.

How could Blaine have done this? Why would Blaine do this? It was so unexpected, so out of the blue, that Kurt couldn’t even put together a coherent picture of how he had gotten there. His beautiful boyfriend, always so completely devoted to Kurt, always so caring and thoughtful, always talking about together forever. What could possibly have happened?

Kurt ran through his memories of every interaction they’d had since he left. Every phone conversation, every text and e-mail, their Skype dates. There had been fewer than he would have liked, shorter than he would have liked, but he had a job that was making big demands on his time and he’d done the best he could, hadn’t he?

Was his job more important than Blaine? He’d never thought it was, but then, he’d never thought he was facing that choice. He remembered an inspirational saying he’d heard once, that nobody on their deathbed ever regretted spending too little time at work and too much time with their family.

With their family.

Family.

Had he been confronted with it, had he been asked to walk through the door marked Blaine or the door marked Vogue.com, he would absolutely, one hundred percent, have chosen Blaine.

But that was before Blaine had chosen someone other than him.

He was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Finn entering the common area. They talked, but after Finn closed the door of the apartment on his way out, Kurt couldn’t remember the words or even the specific subject matter. All he remembered was that Finn had left without saying goodbye to Rachel. Without Rachel saying goodbye to him.

What if it had been Blaine who left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye?

I’ll never say goodbye to you.

Am I about to say goodbye to you?

Both possibilities were equally heartbreaking.

When Blaine woke up and walked through the common area to the bathroom, Kurt’s eyes followed him the whole way, and Blaine was looking at Kurt, too. But neither of them felt ready to speak yet. Neither of them could read the expression in the other’s eyes.

Blaine showered and dressed and came out of the bathroom. He gathered the few belongings he’d brought and slung his bag over his shoulder. He walked out of the bedroom area again and looked at Kurt.

Kurt stood up and faced Blaine. He was out of arm’s reach, and Blaine once again fought the urge to throw himself into his arms, he needed the physical contact, needed it, needed it more than he needed air, but taking it might be as deadly as breathing in water.

Kurt thought about speaking.

I love you.

You took my heart and crushed it to dust under your shoe.

Why?

He didn’t know which one he wanted to say. Making the wrong choice could be death, a slow death or a quick one. He didn’t know which choice was life. So he didn’t choose.

Blaine thought about speaking.

I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t even know who I am without you.

Hurting you was not the goal. I set out to hurt myself, even if the price was also hurting you.

I will never in my life love anyone but you.

He could imagine Kurt responding with anger or with pity or with denial. He couldn’t see how to inspire forgiveness. So he didn’t say anything.

Blaine bowed his head, his shoulders slumped over, for a long minute.

Kurt’s gaze didn’t waver.

Blaine wondered how far outside the door he would get before he broke down completely.

Three steps, he discovered a moment later.

Rachel woke at the sound of the door closing. She came into the common area cautiously and found Kurt still standing, staring at the door.

“Kurt? Where is Finn?”

Kurt dropped to his knees and wept.