“This better be real fucking important cause I had to leave behind my interview with Vogue for you!” Kurt was furious as he slammed the door behind him.

Blaine had called Kurt at his work. He had left a cryptic message that only said that Kurt needed to come home. It was important. When Kurt had called back to hear what it was all Blaine had said was:

“Just come home. I can’t tell you this over the phone. Please. Just come home.”

His voice had sounded strange. Like a robot. No emotions at all. Kurt was confused and had no idea what to expect of this conversation, but he knew that it had to be really groundbreaking big, because it was Vogue themselves that had called to set up an interview about Kurt’s newest designs, and Blaine knew how much that meant to him.

When he entered the living room of their apartment he found Blaine on the couch. His face was emotionless and his eyes were glassy. He was wearing the suit Kurt had bought him for his 26th birthday three years ago along the blue tie Kurt always said matched his brown eyes beautifully.
Kurt knew that Blaine had been at a meeting for a huge case on insurance fraud, and this was his big chance to be made the youngest partner of the law firm he was working at. That was why he didn’t get what Blaine was doing at home in the middle of the afternoon. And even less why he had called him home.

Kurt stepped over some action figures their son had been playing with this morning, before Blaine had put him in the car to drop him off at kindergarten before work.
He crossed the floor to stand in front of Blaine, but Blaine didn’t look at him. He kept his eyes locked on the floor, his hands tight folded in front of him.

“Kurt I… you need to sit down.” He still didn’t shoot him a glance. It was as if he was made of stone, only his lips able to move. But there was something in the atmosphere that made Kurt feel a lump in his throat beneath the anger.
He walked around the coffee table to sit down at the other end of the couch. He was still mad at his husband for having dragged him out of something that could decide his future, their future. He wasn’t intending on sitting next to him for whatever it was that Blaine could have to say to him that was so important that it couldn’t wait for tonight.

Kurt crossed his legs and placed his elbow on the armrest so he could lean his head against it, doing his best to look uninterested. But in reality the alarm clocks were ringing in the back of his mind.
Something was off. And it was serious. Somewhere he knew that Blaine would never interrupt him on an important day like this, if it wasn’t a matter of life or death - at the very least.

Blaine finally looked up at him. His dark eyes were almost black. They were watery and his lower lip was trembling. When their eyes met a tear escaped down Blaine’s face.
Kurt panicked and moved closer to hold his hand on Blaine’s.

“Blaine… what happened? Talk to me, honey…”

But Blaine shook his head and looked away. He opened his mouth and then he closed it again. It seemed as if the words had got caught on their way to his lips. Then he cleared his throat and sniffed. He closed his eyes for a second before he looked Kurt in the eyes.

“It’s Toronto…” And that was all he needed to say before Kurt knew what was going on. His whole world crumpled down around him.

“No. No… it’s not true. Blaine. Tell me it’s not true. Please.” He didn’t cry. His voice didn’t break. Now he was the one sounding like a robot. Mechanically saying the words.
“There… he was on the playground… and then… someone kicked the ball out in the street… and he ran after it… and then a truck…” But before Blaine could finish the sentence between his sobs Kurt shot up from his seat.

“Stop. Stop! I don’t wanna hear it. It’s not true. Why would you say something like that?” He yelled at Blaine across the room, but he still wasn’t crying. His eyes felt like ice and he knew that his heart should be racing but instead he was pretty sure it had completely stopped.

Blaine raised from the couch and ran over to Kurt at the other end of the living room. He wanted to put his arms around him, but he didn’t dare to. He just couldn’t bear seeing Kurt in this much pain. The pain he himself had been exposed to only an hour ago.
He had felt it like his heart had been reduced to dust, but as he saw Kurt walk through that door he knew that he had to stay strong. For Kurt. For his husband.

“I can’t stay here. I need to pick up Toronto from kindergarten. He’s waiting for me.” Kurt started to reach for the doorknob but Blaine hurried to stand in front of the door before he could make it.

“Will you listen to me?! He’s dead. He’s gone, Kurt!” Blaine swallowed a sob and forced his voice to be as even as possible. He needed to make the horrifying truth occur to Kurt. He needed him to understand. To quit the denial and face the reality.
The police had said that they needed to come and identify the body the next day. As soon as possible actually. To make sure they could get the body released to start making funeral arrangements.

Tears welled over Kurt’s eyes and started falling down his face. He was pale but still without any sign of reaction to the news. This caused Blaine to place his hands on Kurt’s shoulders and drag him close to him; to make sure he was close when the truth sunk in.
Blaine could feel Kurt’s face against his chest, his tears soaking his shirt. Then Kurt began hyperventilating and started beating his fists into Blaine’s chest as hard as he could, which only made Blaine tighten his grip around his shoulders.

Blaine forced them to sink down on the floor together; Blaine’s back against the door so he could support Kurt’s head against his chest as soon as he stopped the beating.
He let his hand up to let his fingers run through his hair and made comforting sounds in his ear. But he couldn’t anymore. He tried so hard to stay strong, but he couldn’t.

The tears were back and the incredible pain that had been numbed for a few brief moments came back a million times as hurting as it had been before.
He wished so badly that he could have let Kurt live in the denial. That he could have let Kurt live in the idea of this never having happened. But it was impossible.

“I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry, baby.” Blaine cried down in Kurt’s hair feeling Kurt open and close his hand against his chest as he cried loudly.

They sat there for what felt like an eternity. But they didn’t get up. They just sat there holding each other, an endless stream of tears running down their cheeks.
When it started getting dark Blaine felt that Kurt’s breathing had gotten more even and he stopped caressing his shoulder with his thumb. He realized that Kurt must have cried himself to sleep so he carefully shuffled into a position where he could lift Kurt off the floor and carry him up to their bed.

Blaine placed Kurt softly on the bed and tugged a blanket over him. He had placed Kurt so he was lying with his back to Blaine’s side. He was afraid that he was gonna start crying again, and he didn’t want Kurt to wake up from it.

But as soon as Blaine lay down and crawled under the blanket Kurt turned around and hid his face against Blaine’s collarbone. He was crying again. Blaine didn’t know if he had waken up or if he was crying in his sleep and he didn’t care. Nothing he could dream could be more agonizing than what he had to face if he was awake.

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt and felt tears starting to roll down his cheeks again. He buried his nose in Kurt’s hair to take in the lovely scent that was so comforting and familiar. Only not now. Today he couldn’t smell a thing. It was like all scents had disappeared from the world.
He cried himself to sleep, their sobs blending in to a synchronic concert of heartache.

*

Blaine stretched out his arm to find Kurt but the bed was empty. He wasn’t there.
He couldn‘t find the strength to sit up, so instead he stayed there lying on his back looking up at the ceiling.
The ceiling looked as if nothing had changed. And yet everything had changed. He knew that. The dreadful memory of yesterday hit his brain like a train out of control. It was really true. Not just some horrible nightmare.

He wanted to leave the bed to look for Kurt. Call for him. Tell him to come lie with him so they could hide from the world together. But he couldn’t. His legs wouldn’t react.
All he could do was look at the slightly open door, imagining Toronto coming running through the opening; his blond curls untidy and his big blue eyes looking as if they would have laughed if they could. Imagining him jumping into the bed to come lie on his arm, begging him to tell him a story, sing him a song, or to give him coco puffs for breakfast, even though Kurt was against it when he was to go to kindergarten.

But that would never happen again. He would never wake up and see those big blue eyes staring into his own. He would never hear that small voice call him “daddy B” or call Kurt for “daddy K” ever again. It was over.

He didn’t know how long he stayed in bed. He felt paralyzed. His suit was crumpled and his tie was almost undone. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything right now. He felt it as if he was caught under an avalanche and all of his limbs were out of the game. He felt cold but didn’t care that the blanket had fallen to the floor. He wanted to scream from the aching in his heart, but he had a feeling that if he tried no sound would come out.

Downstairs a door shut close. Had Kurt been out? Where had he gone?
“Kurt?” He didn’t call it out. He didn’t yell it. He knew that Kurt wouldn’t be able to hear him. After all, his voice was weak and rasp. He might as well have whispered the name. It would have been just as effectual.

He could hear someone walking around downstairs. But for all he knew it could be a burglar walking around robbing their house, and all he wished was that he would end the job by killing him.

But then a terrible noise sounded from down the living room. As if a million glasses were thrown to the ground to be smashed.
Blaine released his body from it’s locking to the bed and hurried downstairs.

He found Kurt sitting in the middle of the floor crying down in all of their CDs spread and broken all over the floor around him.
He hadn’t changed his clothes since the day before and his hair were a mess. He was on his knees and his cheeks were rosy and wet.
Blaine hurried over to sit and put an arm around him. He had no idea what was going on but his brain was in cramps.

“I… I just wanted to… to find his favorite CD… you know… with all the… the Disney songs you always sing to him… but then… I just… it was gone and… I lost it. I’m sorry, Blaine.. I just lost it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me. I am so sorry…” His words got out in thrusts between gasps and sobs. He buried his face in his hands while he kept apologizing. Blaine leaned in to kiss him on the hair as he tried reassuring him that it didn’t matter. That he shouldn’t be sorry. That it was okay. Even though he knew it was a lie. Nothing was okay. Nothing was going to be okay ever again.

“Look at me.” Blaine forced Kurt’s chin up to make sure he looked him in the eyes. He blinked a few times to get the tears away so he could focus. Kurt’s eyes always changed color and Blaine couldn’t help feeling a sting in his heart when he saw that they seemed grey and dead today. Cleared from any spark that used to be there.

“I could never… ever hate you. You hear me? Never! I love you. I need you. We’re in this together.” Blaine searched Kurt’s eyes to make sure he understood what he was telling him. Kurt didn’t answer he just nodded, letting his chin lean in the grip of Blaine’s fingertips.

“I found out who… I got a name of… I found out who drove that truck.” From one second to another Kurt’s voice was steady and even. As if he was talking about a job he really wanted, or a school he really wanted their son enrolled in. The voice he had used in high school when there was a solo he wasn’t gonna give up without a fight. Determined.

“Why… why would you do that, Kurt? It’s… not gonna do any good.” Blaine dumped back to sit on the floor next to Kurt. He looked down on all the broken CD covers around him and noticed that one was stained with something that looked like blood.

“Are you hurt? Did you hurt yourself on of the CDs when they broke?” He grabbed Kurt’s hand and found a cut on his right hand just above the thumb.
“Jesus, Kurt… you need this cleaned.” Blaine got to his feet and dragged Kurt to the kitchen. There he forced his hand under the running water. It was still bleeding. It didn’t look as if it was gonna stop anytime soon.

“I wanna see him, Blaine. Look him in the eye. I wanna… I wanna face the monster.” His voice had changed from steady and even to icy. There was no doubt that he meant it. And that he had thought it through. But Blaine was certain that he hadn’t thought of the consequences of this decision.

“Kurt… you don’t know what you’re saying.” Blaine tried saying this as softly as possible, even though he felt like screaming it out. He was so frustrated. Why would Kurt make the pain even worse by meeting him?

“I know exactly what I am saying, Blaine. I wanna meet the psycho that took away my baby. I want him to suffer.” His tone scared Blaine. He had never experienced him so determined before. But there was no way that he could have considered the amount of pain this meeting would inflict.

“We… we need to go to… to the morgue. To identify th… to let them know that it is Toronto.” Blaine turned off the running water and started dubbing Kurt’s hand with a paper towel. He didn’t dare look up at Kurt’s face so he kept dubbing the paper towel on the cut even though it was all soaked now.

“And… we need to call your dad and Carole. They deserve to be the first to know.”

When Blaine had announced that he was gonna move in with Kurt when they were 20 his parents had freaked out.
They had said that if he was gonna do that they would cut him off. That he had to choose between them and Kurt. So he told them goodbye and left. He hadn’t talked to them since.
When they had adopted Toronto they had sent a letter with a picture of their son. It had been returned with a big red cross over the address and a message saying return to sender. They hadn’t even opened the letter.

A pained expression spread on Kurt’s face before he took in a mouthful of air. He quickly exchanged the pain for bravery and nodded.
“Yes. I’ll… I’ll call them.”

“I can do it… if you don’t want to… please just…” But Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand before he reached for the phone on the counter.

He dialed the number and started walking upstairs as he waited for someone to answer.
Blaine stood at the kitchen sink looking after him admiring how brave a face he could put on, even though he was demolished on the inside.

Blaine sat down on a kitchen chair waiting for Kurt to come back down.
But he didn’t. After 10 minutes of waiting it was too much. He couldn’t just sit there and do nothing, so he decided to go upstairs to check if he was okay.
He went to their bedroom to look for him, but he wasn’t there. Then he heard sobbing from the other end of the hall and Blaine headed for Toronto’s room.
When he pushed open the door he found Kurt lying on Toronto’s bed his face down in the Marvel superhero sheets.

Blaine hurried over to Kurt’s side to sit down and start caressing his hair.
“Shhh, sweety. You shouldn’t be in here.” He felt the atmosphere of childish games and laughter chiming like bells in the air of the room which hit him like a punch in the stomach.

“I can’t let… I can’t let go. I can’t believe that he’s never… that I’ll never see him smile at me again. That he… that I will never be able to hold him again.” Kurt’s cry was high pitched and heartbreaking. It was exactly how Blaine felt and he had no idea what to say. He wanted so much to say something soothing. To say that it had all been a joke and that they were going to pick Toronto up later. But he couldn’t. Because it would be a lie.

*

The morgue was freezing and everything seemed so clinical. Kurt was scared and his grip around Blaine’s hand was locked so tight that they might as well have been melted together. A black woman led them into a room where everything was made of steel and the light was dimmed. In the middle of the room were a few tables on wheels; some with scary instruments on them, and others completely empty - obviously meant for autopsies. Something Kurt didn’t want to think about.

They were guided around the steel counter with the sink in the middle of the room, and over to a wall covered in handles belonging to drawers. Kurt’s heart sank and he felt like running away. Or maybe just take one of the sharp knives on the tables and just end it all?

“Are you ready?” The woman’s voice sounded maternal, and her eyes were empathetic. What does she know about pain? was all Kurt could think as he watched her place a hand on the handlebar of one of the drawers.
He nodded and tightened his grip around Blaine’s hand.
A scurrying noise sounded as she dragged out the drawer and revealed a white clothing. She shot them a glance before she removed the fabric in a single slow motion.

The room started spinning and Kurt felt sick and dizzy. He didn’t know if the scream had come out of his mouth or if it was all in his head.

Under the clothing was a small figure with blond curls and pale skin. It wasn’t easy to say if it was the light or if his skin was really blue. His chest was bared and his lips looked purple. His eyes were closed and he could easily just have been sleeping. He looked so peaceful.
Blaine let his hand clasp to his mouth before he took a step away and released his grip of Kurt’s hand. He couldn’t look at him. It was too real. He was just lying there in front of them. Not moving. Never going to move again.

Blaine broke down. He fell to his knees, his face in his hands. Kurt wanted to run to him and throw his arms around him but he couldn’t. All he could do was just stand there and look at his tormented husband.
The cold temperature of the room felt almost hot compared to the blizzard filling his heart, and he did everything to avoid looking back to the small silhouette.

“I am so sorry for your loss but… I need a confirmation. Is this your son? Is this Toronto Hummel-Anderson?” The woman spoke as if she was afraid that she was gonna break some magical truce with her words.
Kurt shook his head before he merely nodded.

“I’m sorry, but… it’s not enough. I need you to say yes. It’s… that’s the procedure.” She was apologetic as she explained it as carefully as possible.
Kurt still didn’t look at her. His eyes were fixated on Blaine on the floor in front of him but they weren’t really seeing him.

“Yes. Yes, godammit, it’s him!” Blaine’s scream was piercing and Kurt jumped by the shock. He rushed over and sat down next to Blaine where he put a hand on his shoulder.
“Blaine… please. We need to leave. I can’t stay here anymore. Please get up… Please Blaine…” Kurt was begging, pleading for a reaction. He let his forehead hit the back of Blaine’s head with an urge to just smash their heads together. He needed this pain on the inside to go away.

The scurrying noise was back and Kurt knew that the woman had closed the drawer. He grabbed around Blaine’s shoulders and forced him to get up.
Then they followed the coroner out of the room to sign the necessary papers.
Kurt had expected that once they left the morgue the heavy feeling in his chest would have left; but it didn’t. In fact it felt as if it grew heavier with every step they took.

*

“Kurt. It’s time.” Mercedes sat down on the bed next to Kurt. She put her hand on his as he sat staring into the closet door in front of him.
He was dressed in an all black suit. Even his tie was black. It was the tie he had gotten for Christmas two years ago.

They had been at his dad and Carole’s for Christmas that year, and Finn and his girlfriend had taken out Toronto for a day in town while Kurt and Blaine got some time to themselves.
Christmas morning Toronto had proudly presented Kurt and Blaine each with a box he had decorated himself. Inside the boxes were all black matching ties.

This morning Blaine had put out the ties on the bed while Kurt was in the shower. He didn’t ask, didn’t comment. He just put it on. This was the only right thing to do.

“They’re waiting downstairs. Come on, honey.” She took his hand and led him out the door and downstairs.
His dad was waiting by the foot of the stairs; all dressed in black too.
Everyone was in black. Even Finn was wearing a suit.

When Kurt got downstairs his dad pulled him close in a hug. Kurt could feel his dad’s heart pounding against his own chest as he hid his face against his shoulder. He didn’t have the energy to go through with this. But he had to. There was no way out of it.
He felt Mercedes stroke him on the back as he stood tall and got released from his dad’s embrace.

Everybody was looking at him with that sympathetic look in their eyes. He just wanted all of them to go away. Scream at them. Throw things at them. Be alone. Never have to face anyone again. But deep down he knew that they were all just worried about him, and they were in grief too.

*

The sun was shining and the sky was blue. It felt so out of place for a day like this. Kurt wore his sunglasses despite the fact that he knew that people probably would think him to be dramatic - but he didn’t gave a damn. He wasn’t planning on seeing a bright summer day when everything inside him had faded away.

The church wasn’t full, but there was a lot of people.
Kurt wasn’t even sure he knew all of them. There were so many faces, and so many hands to shake and smile thankfully at. Each time the fake smile hurt more and more. It felt so wrong to smile. It wasn’t right. How could he smile now? How could they expect him to act nice and polite when his little boy was gone?
Blaine stood by him, not leaving his side for a second. They didn’t talk. They hadn’t talked all day, not even made eye contact. But they stood next to each other, keeping up people’s expectations.

When they entered the church they got overwhelmed. People were sitting nicely on the benches, a sea of black before their eyes. Down the aisle were spread a well of colorful flowers and white ribbons with gold letters printed on them.
Up by the alter was a small coffin placed. It was white with gold fillets. On top of the coffin was placed a frame with a picture of Toronto taken on his birthday last summer. His face a wide grin as he lay in his daddies’ bed after just having waken them up by jumping in to attack them. Kurt would never forget that day. He knew Blaine wouldn’t either. They had taken him to Disneyland for the first time in his life - which was also the last.

Down on the floor, in front of the coffin, people had put pictures from varies stages in his life. Birthdays and Christmases. Playing in the snow and when he had learned to ride a bike. A picture of him falling asleep on Finn’s chest after they had watched football together when he had been only 2 years old, and a picture of him after Rachel had covered him in glitter - so many memories from such a short life.

There was a book too.
All of the kids from his kindergarten had made drawings and said a few words about Toronto. Then the teacher had collected and glued it all into a book.
The kids weren’t allowed to participate because the parents had thought it would be too much for them, so Toronto’s teacher had showed up herself to pay her respects. This meant the world to Kurt and Blaine and they felt awful that they weren’t able to truly show how grateful they were for her effort.

The entire ceremony was unbearable. Kurt felt as if the suit was too small and yet too big. As if his skin was too tight for his body and he was sure that he was getting a fever. But he didn’t get to think about that before he realized that Blaine had released his hand.

“No, Blaine… where’re you going? Don’t go.” Kurt whispered frantically after Blaine, but he was already up. It wasn’t till then Kurt realized that he was gonna make a speech and he had to swallow and move closer to his dad on the other side. Blaine’s empty seat next to him was mocking him and he couldn’t stand sitting this close to it.
Burt Hummel felt the need and dug down to grab his son’s hand with his left before he put his right arm around his shoulders.

“I… I remember when we picked up Toronto.
He was so tiny and looked so fragile. We were scared to death.
What had we thrown ourselves out into?
How would we ever be able to raise a baby?
But once he looked up at us with those bright blue eyes we just knew that… he was what we needed to make our family complete.
Most of you know that I haven’t had an easy upbringing myself - and I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to give this beautiful little guy a good home. In the beginning I didn’t even want a kid because I was scared that… but Kurt convinced me. And we did it.
It has been four of the most amazing years of my life.
I will never… I’ll never forget his smile, or his voice, or… the feeling of his hand in mine. Or the way he giggled whenever he tried talking me into something Kurt wouldn’t approve of. And he knew I couldn’t say no. He was so quick to find out that I would give him the world if he asked.
I will never forget the nights we took turns sitting by his bed… singing to him when he couldn’t sleep. The fevers. The times he crawled into our bed when he had a bad dream. Or the way he begged us to sing along whenever he watched a song-filled cartoon.
I remember the last time I tried contacting my parents and they denied talking to me. I was devastated. We thought Toronto was asleep in his bed, and I broke down to Kurt. I cried so much. And out of nowhere Toronto was in front of me; his little hands stroking my hair, his little beautiful voice saying:
“Don’t cry, daddy. I’m still here.”
But most of all I will never forget the first time Kurt and I held him in our arms. The feeling of happiness was completely different to any feeling I have ever experienced. It was like my life had been perfect the whole time, because of Kurt, but the second we took him to us everything shuffled around and we knew what perfect felt like for the first time.
He brought a whole new set of colors to our lives, he is a new kind of music.
But now… everything feels like it’s black and white, and there aren’t any music anymore.
He is our son.
I miss him. I miss him so much.”

Blaine broke into tears and Kurt hurried to his side to guide him back down to his seat. The entire gathering were staring at them with glistening eyes and shaking silhouettes. But Kurt just wanted to get back down to his seat. To get Blaine back down in his seat.

Only that wasn’t a possibility. They had to carry out the coffin. He knew that it was coming and it just had to be over with soon.
Everyone stood up and Kurt had to take a deep breath before he looked at Blaine. But Blaine didn’t look back at him. No matter how much Kurt’s eyes begged Blaine to return his look he didn’t. He just turned his back on him and walked to the other side of the coffin.

Kurt’s dad, Finn, Sam and their friend Luke were all gonna be pall-bearers along with Kurt and Blaine themselves. When they had asked them none of them had to think twice to take on the duty. But they already knew that. They all had such a strong love for Toronto, and for Kurt and Blaine, that it wouldn’t be an issue.

As they started the walk down the aisle everybody walked behind them to end up outside where they had to put the coffin in the hearse.
They had agreed for him to be sent to Lima where he would be buried next to Kurt’s mom. They hadn’t even had to discuss the matter of cremation - they had silently agreed that they couldn’t bear the thought of their son getting turned to ashes.

Everybody put a flower on the coffin in the hearse and retreated to stand in the background to give some space for Blaine and Kurt to say goodbye.
But as the doors were about to be closed Kurt couldn’t take it anymore. He flung himself at the coffin where he kissed it and let his cheek feel the cool wood of the casket as his tears stained the pall.

Blaine walked slowly over to stand by his side. He bent down and kissed the coffin too before he kissed Kurt on the hair.
“We’ll always love you, baby.”
Blaine whispered the words so only he, Kurt and Toronto were able to hear it.
Then he dragged Kurt back with him to see the doors get closed and the hearse drive away.

*

Blaine wasn’t in the house and Kurt could see from inside that he wasn’t in the drive way. Where was he? Had he just left him here to deal with all these people alone?

They had invited their closest to join them at home. They didn’t feel like it, but it seemed like the right thing to do. Now Kurt just wished that they would leave. He just wanted to sleep and hopefully the pain would go away.

“Where’s Blaine?” He looked around on everyone before Finn made a gesture to show that he was out in the backyard.

Kurt found Blaine sitting on the swing Finn had put up on the lawn a few years ago. His suit was matching Kurt’s, only he wasn’t wearing the tie anymore. He was holding it in his hand as he rocked slowly back and forth on the swing.
He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were red and swollen under his long lashes and his face was flushed.

“I don’t think I will ever forget how happy he was when he gave us these.” Blaine made a gesture to show that he was talking about the ties.
“He was so proud… and he was so happy that he had got to spend the entire day with Finn. And you… you were so happy that night, that you didn’t even care that he threw up on your new shirt after having eaten too much candy.” He gave a hollow chuckle under his breath and looked at Kurt who had kneeled down to sit in front of him.

“I wish I could turn back time. To bring him back to us. He wasn’t even suppose to be in kindergarten that day. If I… if I hadn’t… if I hadn’t had that last-minute meeting he would have spend the day with me at home. And… and he would still be here.” A single tear rolled down Blaine’s cheek, and then it got followed by one more and one more until his face was covered in drops.

“You can’t… you can’t blame yourself. You mustn’t. You shouldn’t. It’s not your fault. I know it isn’t, honey. And you know that it isn’t.” Kurt hadn’t even thought about that till Blaine mentioned it. And he knew that it was true.

Toronto never went to kindergarten on Wednesdays cause that was the day where Blaine worked at home, so they figured that they could just as well let Toronto stay home too so they could spend some time together. But then Tuesday night Blaine’s boss had called and said that he needed him to come in for a meeting on the case the next day. It didn’t seem like a big deal and he agreed.
Now it seemed like Blaine felt that he was responsible for what had happened.

Kurt stretched up his hand to cup Blaine’s cheek.
“You can’t go around feeling like this when it’s not true. You’re gonna drive yourself mad. It’s not your fault. It’s that driver’s fault. And I promise you… if I ever get my hands on him… I’m gonna kill him. For having taken away our star.”

Kurt was still on his knees, directly in front of Blaine now. Their faces were so close that their noses almost touched. He needed Blaine to be brave. He could be brave himself - but not without Blaine by his side.
Kurt stretched up to embrace Blaine and let him cry out.

“I love you. I will always love you. I always have. Please… promise me you won’t ever leave me.” Blaine was pleading, his head resting on Kurt’s shoulder as he almost fell off the swing from leaning over to Kurt.
Kurt stroke his neck and nodded - promised that he would stay with him forever.
“You’re my seahorse. Remember?”

When Toronto had just turned 3 they had sat in their bed, Toronto in the middle of them, while they had read him Finding Nemo.
When they had reached a page with a seahorse Toronto had declared that he wanted to be a seahorse for Halloween. Then Blaine had started to tell him about the seahorses. That it was the seahorse male who carried the children, and that they could be tiny or big.
But when he got to the last part Toronto’s eyes grew wide and it was very clear that he absorbed every word and made it run through his brain in a very serious matter.

It was the part about seahorses falling in love with their one and only, if one gets sick the other stays with him and nurses him - if one dies the other will die from heartache.
“Just like you and daddy Kurt? You are seahorses.” Toronto didn’t grin at him or laugh. He was extremely serious - as if it had been a matter he had been thinking over for a million years before he spoke it. Or as if all of the pieces of a complicated puzzle had just fallen into place.

“Yes. I am your seahorse. Always.” Blaine had gotten to his feet and offered his hand to help up Kurt. They had to go in and host the party inside.

*

“Kurt… would you please, please, please promise that you will forget the name of that truck driver? Let it go. I… I hate him too. But… it’s not gonna bring him back. You know that. It’s only gonna do more damage.” Blaine let his hand stroke over Kurt’s cheek while looking him in the eyes. The sparkles were still absent but the grey had been mixed with a green. They seemed lifeless.

They were lying in their bed facing each other. Just looking at each other.
It had been a struggle just to get the power to change from suit to pajamas. It had taken so much to stay calm and keep up the poker face all day. To play hosts and small talk. To listen to people’s words and see others weeping in the corners.
Once they had got everyone out and changed out of their suits it had felt like a huge burden had been lifted off their chests.

“You remember that if there’s anything, anything at all, you can just call. No matter what time it is, okay? Even though you’re all gown up now you’re still my son, kiddo. I love you both.” Burt had dragged them into a warm hug each before he and Carole had left for their hotel.

Once the door had closed behind the last person Blaine had thrown himself into Kurt’s arms. They had just stood there holding each other for minutes before they agreed to just go to bed and clean up in the morning.
Finn, Mercedes, Sam and Luke had promised to come over to help cleaning up. Burt and Carole had promised to stop by too before they were headed back to Ohio.

But right now all they wanted was to clear their heads. Not think about flowers or if they had talked to everyone. Not think about if they had remembered to thank everyone. Not think about if they had done everything the way it was supposed to be done.
They had both felt numb all day. They had felt it necessary to push away all their pain to put on a façade.
Everyone had told them how strong and brave they were, but deep down they knew that they weren’t. They knew that the fundament had cracked behind the polite handshakes.

“If you say so. I don’t… I don’t have the energy to argue with you right now. You’re probably right.” Kurt closed his eyes and exhaled before he opened them again.

“Do you think we’ll ever forget him?” Kurt’s words were sincere and his voice was shaking. But Blaine just looked at him and shook his head in assurance.

“We could never forget him. Never. He’s a part of us. I see him in you every day. The way he always copy the way you move your head. And when you talk... I hear the influence he’s had on you - in your way of thinking, your way of acting. He will always live in you.” Blaine let his thumb stroke from the corner of Kurt’s mouth to the soft spot under his eye. When he talked about Toronto’s influence on Kurt the well known stars almost returned to his eyes. The stars that hadn’t been there for a week now.

“I see him in you too. All the time. He always… try to walk like you. And when he’s alone in his room; I hear him sing the songs you always sing to him. And… sometimes I catch him try to talk like you. You know… copy your words and sentences.” Kurt caught himself smiling by the thought before the stinging pain was back in his heart and it faded it away. It was too soon. He couldn’t smile. Not yet.

“I miss your smile. It feels like I haven’t seen it for ages.” Blaine started stroking his fingertips up and down Kurt’s arm. The sadness in his words was like a radiating sun breaking through.

“I know that you aren’t ready to smile yet. Me neither. But I know you will be. Some day…”
It wasn’t a request, it was a statement. It was Blaine telling Kurt how it was supposed to be.
“I need your smile. I need to know that one day I will wake up and you will smile at me. Just like you used to.”

The agonizing grief filled their bedroom once more, and with that the terrible feeling of being choked. Blaine couldn’t help feeling that his heart was being hold in a fist that gripped it tighter and tighter, and eventually it was gonna burst.

He knew that they were supposed to adjust to talk about their son in past tense. But he couldn’t do it. That would make him accept it, and he hadn’t. He didn’t think he ever could. And least of all would he ever be capable of suggesting it to Kurt. It would break the last piece of heart he had left. All that mattered right now was to keep his sanity for Kurt, to keep Kurt whole before he would fall completely apart.

“We should try and get some sleep now. We… we need to do so much tomorrow.” Blaine could see Kurt’s eyes slowly closing, but whenever they fell down he hurried to open them again.
But when Blaine suggested that they should sleep Kurt looked frightened.

“I’m scared to sleep. Whenever I close my eyes I see him lying there. Not moving.” Kurt was whispering. Like saying the words out loud would break the darkness of the room.
His eyes were filled up by fear and his lips were pale.
And his words scared Blaine too. He had the same images printed into his brain. Ever since their trip to the morgue he had woken up in the middle of the night shaking. He had dreamed of Toronto lying; naked, lifeless, his blue eyes open, but not seeing.

“I know. I know. I see him too.” Blaine felt the tears stinging behind his eyes.
He hated himself so much for not being able to say something to ease Kurt’s mind. For not being able to take away his pain. What kind of husband was he when he couldn’t even make him feel safe in their own bed?

“But we can’t picture him like that. We need to… we need to remember him when he was happy. Smiling. Because that is how he is. The happiest child on the planet. Let you heart wear the crown, not you head.” Blaine tried to think of all the happy times they had shared. All the laughter, all the hugs and kisses. That was what had dominated their time with Toronto, and that was what was supposed to dominate their memories.

“I try… it’s just… hard, you know. It’s so unfair.” Kurt let his forehead hit Blaine’s, and Blaine felt his tears on his nose.
He stretched up his neck to kiss away the tears before he pulled Kurt closer.

“I know it is. It’s the most unfair thing in the world. Could it only had… if it only had been me instead…”
By Blaine’s words Kurt shot his eyes open as if he had been burned.
“Don’t say that, Blaine! I can’t… I can’t live without any of you. You’re my family. You belong with me. I need you. Both of you.” Kurt shook him a little and it felt as if his tight grip would leave a bruise in the morning.

“Let’s… let’s just stay strong together. For Toronto.” Kurt released his tight grip and let his fingers back to being soft and caressing.
He looked at Blaine who stared at him through his big brown eyes. It always felt as if he could see directly into his soul. But it didn’t bother him, because he didn’t have anything to hide for him.

“I love you. Don’t cry, daddy Blaine.”

Kurt kissed Blaine’s lips softly and let his fingers run through the dark curls. Then he wrapped his arms around Blaine’s shoulder to let him hide his face against his chest.