jetsfanforlyfe
Nov. 28, 2011, 4:03 p.m.
Fix
Originally "Untitled Blaine Headspace Drabble from 3x05" on Tumblr Blaine's father makes a comment that drives him to the auditorium on opening night. Spoilers for 3x05, "The First Time"
K - Words: 711 - Last Updated: Nov 28, 2011 1,360 0 3 6 Categories: Angst, Characters: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel,
Author's Notes: Written for a Tumblr prompt for mixedberryjam
“It wasn’t the best performance you’ve given, Blaine. Your footing was off in that first number-it was glaring from the audience. There’s always the next show, isn’t there?”
His father’s words run through his head over and over as he goes through the steps, tries to remember which combination he’d messed up. He thinks he knows-he’d been a half-second behind everyone else and it had messed up the aesthetics. It’s no wonder his dad had noticed-John Anderson has always had a keen eye for minutiae.
But the footing still feels awkward. He can’t get the count right, can’t get his body to move the way it should.
He feels awkward.
He hasn’t spoken to Kurt since their fight at the bar (even though he knows Kurt followed him home-it’s hard to miss when someone is tailing you, even if you’re drunk).
His parents only stay long enough to see the show and meet him briefly afterwards-his dad is headed for the red-eye to Los Angeles to seal a business deal, and his mother’s going with, keeping up appearances, she claims (but the shopping in LA is better, and Blaine knows she’ll come back with half a new wardrobe).
The Warblers are friendly enough, Nick and Jeff more than enthusiastic about his performance, but seeing Sebastian puts a damper on his evening. He leaves without really saying goodbye, thanks them for coming without a word in Sebastian’s direction.
He hasn’t forgiven the other boy (because he knows Sebastian was switching out his empties for fulls, he knows Sebastian was trying to manipulate the situation in his favor), but he blames himself more than he blames a third party, so he avoids confronting Sebastian about things that were out of his control (about Blaine’s loss of control) and retreats to the auditorium.
He feels safe here-free from his father’s influence (even though the words follow him constantly), free from Kurt’s anger or disappointment, free from Sebastian’s blatant advances.
The stage is familiar, somewhere he feels at home. His time with the Warblers conditioned him to love performing, and it lets him filter his thoughts, his feelings.
He can focus on the things he can make better, let the other things fade to the background.
It’s how he finds himself running over the combinations on the stage, his father’s review a running commentary for what amounts to his self-punishment.
He can’t go back outside to face Sebastian.
He can’t bring himself to find Kurt, face what he knows is coming.
He has no one in the lobby waiting to take him to dinner and celebrate, no one outside of the rest of the cast, who’ve been tiptoeing around him all night (he suspects Kurt mentioned something to Finn, who has as much capacity to keep a secret as a parrot).
Blaine doesn’t know how to fix his relationship with Kurt. He’s afraid he’s messed it up for good, this time, that his transgression in the car will be the thing that makes Kurt realize he deserves better. He tries not to think about it, tries not to remember yelling, pushing, walking away.
He can’t fix his relationship with his parents. His dad’s always been emotionally distant, always been able to hurt deeply with words where physical blows would fade. It’s not that his dad is particularly neglectful, or even that he doesn’t love Blaine, but it’s that he doesn’t know how to show his love in ways that don’t cut Blaine deeply. His words must come from a place of caring, because they’re always intended to better Blaine, even though they usually have the opposite effect.
He can fix his dance combinations, can practice until he falls over if that’s what it takes. This is easy-his father pointed out a flaw with an easy fix, so Blaine fixates on that, determined to make it right (as if, somehow, making this dance step right will make things right with Kurt).
He’s in the middle of his eighth run-through when he hears Kurt’s voice (and he starts to panic, because Kurt is here to break up with him, break his heart, break him).
But somehow he manages to pull himself out of his headspace, tamps down the words in his head.
He shuts out his father’s voice and listens to Kurt’s instead.
“You take my breath away.
I was so proud to be with you.”
His father’s words run through his head over and over as he goes through the steps, tries to remember which combination he’d messed up. He thinks he knows-he’d been a half-second behind everyone else and it had messed up the aesthetics. It’s no wonder his dad had noticed-John Anderson has always had a keen eye for minutiae.
But the footing still feels awkward. He can’t get the count right, can’t get his body to move the way it should.
He feels awkward.
He hasn’t spoken to Kurt since their fight at the bar (even though he knows Kurt followed him home-it’s hard to miss when someone is tailing you, even if you’re drunk).
His parents only stay long enough to see the show and meet him briefly afterwards-his dad is headed for the red-eye to Los Angeles to seal a business deal, and his mother’s going with, keeping up appearances, she claims (but the shopping in LA is better, and Blaine knows she’ll come back with half a new wardrobe).
The Warblers are friendly enough, Nick and Jeff more than enthusiastic about his performance, but seeing Sebastian puts a damper on his evening. He leaves without really saying goodbye, thanks them for coming without a word in Sebastian’s direction.
He hasn’t forgiven the other boy (because he knows Sebastian was switching out his empties for fulls, he knows Sebastian was trying to manipulate the situation in his favor), but he blames himself more than he blames a third party, so he avoids confronting Sebastian about things that were out of his control (about Blaine’s loss of control) and retreats to the auditorium.
He feels safe here-free from his father’s influence (even though the words follow him constantly), free from Kurt’s anger or disappointment, free from Sebastian’s blatant advances.
The stage is familiar, somewhere he feels at home. His time with the Warblers conditioned him to love performing, and it lets him filter his thoughts, his feelings.
He can focus on the things he can make better, let the other things fade to the background.
It’s how he finds himself running over the combinations on the stage, his father’s review a running commentary for what amounts to his self-punishment.
He can’t go back outside to face Sebastian.
He can’t bring himself to find Kurt, face what he knows is coming.
He has no one in the lobby waiting to take him to dinner and celebrate, no one outside of the rest of the cast, who’ve been tiptoeing around him all night (he suspects Kurt mentioned something to Finn, who has as much capacity to keep a secret as a parrot).
Blaine doesn’t know how to fix his relationship with Kurt. He’s afraid he’s messed it up for good, this time, that his transgression in the car will be the thing that makes Kurt realize he deserves better. He tries not to think about it, tries not to remember yelling, pushing, walking away.
He can’t fix his relationship with his parents. His dad’s always been emotionally distant, always been able to hurt deeply with words where physical blows would fade. It’s not that his dad is particularly neglectful, or even that he doesn’t love Blaine, but it’s that he doesn’t know how to show his love in ways that don’t cut Blaine deeply. His words must come from a place of caring, because they’re always intended to better Blaine, even though they usually have the opposite effect.
He can fix his dance combinations, can practice until he falls over if that’s what it takes. This is easy-his father pointed out a flaw with an easy fix, so Blaine fixates on that, determined to make it right (as if, somehow, making this dance step right will make things right with Kurt).
He’s in the middle of his eighth run-through when he hears Kurt’s voice (and he starts to panic, because Kurt is here to break up with him, break his heart, break him).
But somehow he manages to pull himself out of his headspace, tamps down the words in his head.
He shuts out his father’s voice and listens to Kurt’s instead.
“You take my breath away.
I was so proud to be with you.”
Comments
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Oh my god, this was like, literally heartbreaking. I live for the way you write Blaine, I swear. So, so beautiful, especially at the end when he ignores his fathers words and listens to Kurt. You are brilliant.
:DDDDD
awww