Aug. 22, 2012, 3:40 a.m.
It's Been a While but I Still Feel the Same
Two weeks. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty-six hours. Two weeks since he'd watched Kurt walk away from him in that park. Two weeks after breaking two hearts Blaine Anderson stands in the hallway of a New York City apartment building.
T - Words: 1,964 - Last Updated: Aug 22, 2012 1,767 0 18 12 Categories: Angst, Romance, Characters: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez,
Two weeks. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty-six hours.
Two weeks since he’d watched Kurt walk away from him in that park. Since he’d decided that the worst thing for him was the right thing for Kurt. Two weeks with all his free time spent lying in bed, but never really asleep. Two weeks of walking around school like a zombie, pretending not to see the pity and concern on his friends’ faces.
Two weeks after breaking two hearts Blaine Anderson stands in the hallway of a New York City apartment building. He hesitates outside the door, staring blankly at the tarnished brass 358 as he tries to work up the courage to knock. What if Kurt doesn’t answer, what if he slams the door in my face, what if he tells me it’s over to go home he never wants to see me again that I screwed up for good oh God what if-
He takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders, and raises his hand. A half second before his fist hits the door, the elevator at the end of the hall dings open to reveal the love of Blaine’s life and the nameless boy whose tongue he seems to be trying to swallow. Blaine backs away from the door, watching as Kurt and Nameless stumble their way over to Kurt’s apartment, clearly too drunk and too preoccupied to worry about the fact that they aren’t alone. It isn’t until Kurt realizes he’ll have to detach himself from Nameless’ lips to unlock the door that he notices Blaine is there. It’s almost comical the way he freezes, the way his face morphs into something similar to a deer in headlights. Blaine thinks he might laugh if he didn’t feel like he was dying. He trips backwards until he hits a wall, unable to stop the words flying from his mouth.
“I’m so sorry, I- I shouldn’t have come I’m so- I tried calling but you didn’t answer, of course you didn’t answer why would you answer I shouldn’t have come I’m so sorry I-“
Blaine turns and sprints down the hallway, ripping open the door that leads to the stairs and flying down them. He’d probably be worried about falling if he was thinking clearly, but he’s incapable of feeling anything but that anguish, that undiluted pain of heartbreak threatening to drown him. He rushes outside into the bitter fall air and glances around before realizing he has absolutely nowhere to go. He fumbles to get his phone out of his pocket, barely able to see the screen through the blur of tears he won’t let fall, and calls the only person he can think of.
“What could you possibly want, short stack, it’s like midnight- are you crying? Blaine? Are you okay?”
“I just- I’m f-fine Santana, I just need a place to stay, just for the weekend. I promise I’ll be out by Monday, I just need a place to stay and I don’t know where else to go.” With no money for a hotel and no way to change the return date on his round-trip ticket, he knows she’s his best bet for the weekend; the two had gotten pretty close over the past year and she had moved to New York shortly after Rachel and Kurt, claiming that the University of Louisville was in no way equipped to handle the Santana Lopez.
Following Santana’s hugely unhelpful directions (seriously, was it necessary for her to sigh in between every single word) Blaine ends up, yet again, in front of an apartment door. This time, instead of running away, he finds himself being pulled into a tight hug as soon as the door opens. Santana leads them across the room, explaining how she knew how badly he need comfort, “Kurt called. He said he thought you might head here and he explained what happened. I’m so sorry, B.”
Sprawled out across a musty couch, his head in Santana’s lap, Blaine finally breaks, letting free all the sobs he’s been so desperately holding in as she strokes his hair.
“I was just… I was so sure that I could fix it. I r-really believed that I could get him back and I had the whole thing planned out in my head but he- He’s already moved on, San, and I can’t even blame him. I don’t even have the right to be hurting because I was the one who ended it, this is all my fault. But God, it hurts so much I can’t breathe and I don’t know what to do. I ruined everything and it’s over and I just- I don’t know what to do without him, Santana. What do I do? ”
She leans back, looking down at him with a sad look on her face. “I don’t know, Blaine. I don’t know what you do now. But I do know that right now you’re going the hell to sleep, because I am not gonna sit here and let you ruin my pants with your tears any more than you already have.”
She leans down to kisses his check before gently pushing his head off her legs and walking across the room, turning off the light and grabbing an extra blanket to throw over Blaine. She says goodnight and heads into her own room. After locking her door, she waits fifteen minutes, until she’s sure Blaine’s out cold, before picking up her phone and calling Kurt.
Blaine wakes up feeling like he’s been hit in the head with a brick a few times. He rolls over on his back, groaning as he remembers the night before. He lays there for a minute, contemplating the pros and cons of lying there for the rest of his life, before he notices that he’s not alone. Santana’s working today; she’s got a full-time job at a coffee shop a few blocks down until she figures out a solid plan for her future. Blaine knows she’s working today, knows he should be alone, so the presence of another person throws him off. It throws him off even more to find that he’s alone in a tiny apartment with the last person in the world he wants to see right now.
“Hi.” Kurt’s voice is tiny, tired like he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in a while. His hair’s un-styled, bangs falling into his eyes, and he’s wearing sweatpants. Kurt Hummel is wearing sweatpants at a quarter ‘til noon on a Monday, and that’s what shocks Blaine the most. He didn’t even know Kurt owned sweatpants.
“I know you probably don’t want me here and I- I get that Blaine, I really do. But I need to explain. We need to talk, that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? To talk to me. Please say you’ll talk to me, Blaine.” Kurt’s voice breaks on Blaine’s name and Blaine doesn’t know why, doesn’t understand why Kurt sounds like he’s fighting tears when Blaine’s the one who’s alone, when Kurt has Nameless to comfort him.
Blaine stands awkwardly, looking anywhere but Kurt, and forces himself to answer, “I am really sorry, Kurt. Coming was a bad idea, and I take full responsibility for everything. For coming here, for ending things in the first place... It’s my fault, I know that. It’s clear that you’re moving on, and that’s great, Kurt. It really is, I’m- I’m glad that you’re happy. That’s all I ever wanted, was for you to be happy.”
Kurt stares at him. And stares. And stares, with this look on his face like he’s trying to figure Blaine out. Blaine’s about to say something, anything, to break the horrible silence when Kurt sighs. He stands, crosses the room, and slams their mouths together with a force that has their teeth clinking together, has Blaine’s back hitting the wall behind him.
“You. Fucking. Idiot.” Kurt bites out, fierce kisses punctuating every world. “How can you be so brilliant and still be so stupid all the time?”
Blaine can’t answer, he can't even breathe, can barely think because Kurt is kissing him and yelling at him and kissing him and Kurt.
“You think I’m moving on? You think I’m happy?” Kurt’s not kissing him anymore, but he’s yelling louder and louder with each word, voice shrill and almost hysterical, “If you call going out and getting so hammered that I brought home a stranger just to try to forget you for five minutes moving on, then I sure am! If I was moving on, do you think I’d feel sick to my stomach every time I remember that I kissed him because it’s not right if it’s not you that I’m kissing? Am I moving on if I felt like it was cheating even though you left me weeks ago?”
He pauses, chest heaving, before launching into another outburst, “If you think that the fact that I haven’t logged onto Facebook in two weeks because I can’t bear to change my relationship status is moving on, then I’m so over you. If curling up in that stupid Buckeyes hoodie I stole from you and crying myself to sleep every night for the past two weeks because I miss you so much means that I’m moving on, that I’m happy, then you’re right on all counts. But you know what I think? I think you’re an idiot. I think you’re an insufferable, noble idiot who always tries so hard to do his best for everyone that he ended up screwing up the best thing in my life. I’m not happy, Blaine. I’m not moving on. There is no moving on from you. You’re it. I’ve known you were it since you turned and looked up at me on that staircase. I can’t be happy without you, Blaine, I won’t be happy until you realize what a giant mistake you made and fix it.”
He’s breathing heavily when he finally stops yelling, eyes wild and lips swollen as he backs away from Blaine, stumbling when Blaine throws himself into his arms.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I messed up so bad, Kurt. I missed you so much. I love you so much; I don’t know how to be without you. Please forgive me, please take me back, I promise I’ll never leave you again. I’m so, so sorry,” Blaine shudders, hiding his face in Kurt’s neck as he babbles out apologies and pleas and promises.
Kurt lifts Blaine’s head, a hand on either side of his face, and forces him to look into his eyes. "Of course I forgive you. I forgave you the moment it happened. We’re going to have a serious talk about everything, and I’m going to use this against you for the rest of our lives, but as far as I’m concerned it doesn’t even matter. I just want to be with you, Blaine. I don’t care about anything else. Just be with me, just love me, and nothing else matters.”
“Of course I love you,” Blaine sighs, tucking his face back into Kurt’s neck because it feels like home, “I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I ever dreamed I could love anything. I’m so sorry I considered throwing that away, I’ll never do it again. I promise you, Kurt. I’ll never say goodbye to you.”
Kurt laughs shakily, lifting a hand to wipe his eyes as he insists “That’s my line.”
Blaine rolls his eyes and then closes them, placing a small kiss to Kurt’s Adam’s apple as he feels the weight of the last two weeks lift off his shoulders. All the guilt, regret, despair, anger, sadness, heartbreak- everything disappears. Nothing matters but this, Blaine and Kurt, KurtandBlaine.
Standing there in a tiny apartment in the middle of New York with the person he knows without a doubt he’ll grow old with, Blaine’s never felt more complete.
Comments
Oh WOW! This was awesome. I really loved your story :D
Thank you so much!!
i really dont want them to break up :( i want them to be together always... this is good by the way :)
I don't want them too either, but I'm positive they'll always end up together. Thank you!
oh man this fic is flawless. i liked everything about it, you're really good *u*
Thank you so much!
Thank you! I'd certainly be shocked to see him in sweats lol
Really sweet! Loved the line about Kurt owning sweatpants, so true! :D
You should really not be at all nervous, because this was fantastic, and it doesn't read at all like a first effort--if I hadn't read the A/N I would've immediately gone looking for your other fics. This was a very well-written stab to my heart and I enjoyed it immensely.
Thank you so much!
Thank you! I'd apologize for making you cry, but that was sorta the point ;)
I was crying by the fourth paragraph! Why to crank out the angst. Jesus fucking christ. dsafdsjgbsbnfd Let me just catch my breath and then I'll reply with a more legible answer. Just... good job.
Thank you! I hope I can do more.
Wonderful little drabble! Hope to see more from you :)
I started crying at the end! this is so good!
thank you (I'd apologize for making you cry, but that was the point!)
This was SO adorable! And I loved Kurt's outburst. Very emotional and intense :)
thank you!