Dear Blaine,

I have something to tell you, I couldn't live like this anymore, I couldn't take it anymore, it was too much. I was scared Blaine, real scared, I wanted to tell you so many times but I never found the courage to say it out loud.

It hurt.

It hurt all over.

Not just here, not just there.

Everywhere .

It started so innocent. I felt so ill so upset so lonely, I didn't think about you, not at the time. I should have rang you instead, I should have sat down with you and talked and cried and explained how I felt and why I felt like it, but I didn't. . Didn't you see Blaine, didn't you notice when I started wearing sweaters all year round? How you stopped staying over after 8:30pm? In fact we only saw each other once a week.

After that it was my time. I never felt guilty about pushing you away, I guess you're better off with him anyway, I'll admit it you were the best thing to ever happen to me, I took you and used you for my own selfishness. I'm sorry.

It started months ago, I started getting hurt again. Bullied, pushed, shoved, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't think it would go on, when they found out about you it got worse.

"Is that your boyfriend Hummel!" They'd shout and burst into fits of laughter, I'll never know what they found so funny, I guess you could ask if you wanted to know. They threatened to get you, I didn't want you to get hurt, I'd have never lived with myself knowing I caused you pain. Never. So I took it myself, the abuse: Physical and Emotional, I had scratches and bruises down my arms, on my chest, all over my body. I took to using foundation on my face to cover the bruises, I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know. As soon as they healed over, they hit me again.

The best part of the year was when we spent the summer together, I loved spending time with you, I loved you. We spent days in the sun, with you in your shorts and ridiculas bow ties, we laughed when you jumped me and pushed me in the pool even though you ruined my jeans, I didn't care. You jumped in too and we kissed, your hair was really wet and water was running down your face. Your lips were soft and warm and we stayed like that for a while. Lying on your back garden soaking in the sunlight trying to dry out our clothes because your Mom refused to let us in and ruin her newly fitted cream carpets.

We were happy then, weren't we?

Even though my skin was red and freckly from being in the sun too long and we spent the next day in my room with you rubbing lotion on my back while you laughed at my screams and whimpers of pain and declared that in fact you had a very nice tan. Then we snuggled together and watched a movie while you tried to prove that you could in fact catch a piece of popcorn in your mouth even though you missed every time and then sulked when I managed it first time. You made that adorable puppy dog face that made me laugh and you got angry and told me to grow up, I told you I'd let you pick the next movie and you smiled and we sat through an action packed thriller of some sort that you seemed to be rather into, you kept your eyes fixed on the screen the entire time, while I pressed soft kisses against your neck.

When you stayed over I insisted that you wear my pink pyjamas, you weren't happy and when you walked out of my room in the morning Finn almost died of laughter.

I remember the day before I started back at school, it was late in the evening and I was at your house, you told me about the people who had moved in next door and how their son was due to start at Dalton next week with you, you said he was coming over tomorrow so you could give him ahead start on work, to help him catch up. What you didn't tell me was that he was highly attractive and smart, kind of like yourself, he was also gay.

Imagine the shock he got when I turned up at Dalton to surprise you, he looked like a deer caught in headlights, you'd got caught. I never imagined that, I knew you were being odd but I couldn't understand. After that every time I came over we stayed downstairs, your Mom started giving me funny looks. I overheard you talking with her, she asked you why I was still here and when was your new friend coming over, you replied that you hadn't told me yet. You never told me.

That's when I started to hurt. I cried that night, huddled up in my room in the dark, I cried so hard, tears rolling down my face staining my cheeks, I got up to shower. As I exited I slipped and banged my arm hitting the sink and leaving a red graze, it didn't even hurt but I wanted to feel pain, I scratched at the surface making the cut bleed, that's what I wanted, to feel pain flowing through my arm.

They started again, the footballers. Slushies everyday and they hit me Blaine. They pushed me around and yelled insults, he pinned my arms against the wall while they punched my stomach, they laughed at my cries of pain and let me fall to the floor,

"Same time tomorrow" they yelled, and it was. It got to a place when I found it painful and difficult to get up in the morning, my muscles groaning, crying out and bringing tears to my eyes. I didn't go to school for three days, then you texted me:

Hey Kurt

It's me, can i come over?

Blaine xx

I replied:

NO.

You texted me the next day and the day after, until I finally gave in, you came over, we sat in silence. You asked me what was wrong, I snapped at you, I told you I was fine. I wasn't fine. I got worse, I cried almost every night.

Remember in late December, you came over to mine on Christmas Eve Eve wearing that awful Christmas sweater your Grandma had knitted you, I told you it was the most horrific I'd ever seen and you protested and said it was sentimental so you were allowed to wear it just this once. It wasn't cold, but I was freezing, I was buried under a sweater, two pairs of socks and at least two blankets, you didn't notice did you? You sat next to me and texted him the whole time, you tried to kiss me goodnight and I wouldn't let you, I didn't want you too, not after your lips had touched his. Why didn't you just tell me?

I remember that day, do you?

You left your phone at my house and he was still texting you, I remember the one I read:

I love you Blaine.

That's what it said. When you rang me you asked if you had left your phone, I told you:

"I Love You Blaine"

You Said:

"I love you too"

"LIAR!" I screamed and slammed down the phone. You came round the next day and we just looked at each other. I gave you my deadliest look. We stood in silence; I shut the door on you and cried. You called my house twice, three times every time my Dad calling to me

"Kurt! Blaines on the phone"

I yelled back. I didn't want to talk to you.

That was it.

I saw you once with him, you were at the park, he was lying across your legs just like I used too, your fingers were intertwined. You saw me and our eyes connected for a brief second and you shook him off.

As we walked past Mercedes labelled you,

Jerk!

I looked back as we walked away, you were watching us walk away, you looked hurt, your eyes empty. That look hurt my chest and tears sprang to my eyes, he put his arms around your neck and you pushed him off you told him to go home, so he did.

You turned up at McKinley in your stupid Dalton Blazer, part of me almost thought you were there to see me. You were doing volunteer work, it was me Blaine, I started the paper throwing in assembly.

I have to thankyou that day, when they held me against the wall.

"Go on!" they cried,

"Hit him!"

I threw up. You helped me, you picked me up and held me in your arms, you rubbed my back while I cried into your shoulders, you held my hand and put your arms around my waist and walked me home in the rain, you ran your fingers through my hair soothing me, you made me feel safe. I'm sorry my dad yelled at you and Finn. They asked me what'd you'd done to me, I defended you, I said it was your mates.

In all fairness you should have hit me harder, I deserved it.

I didn't go to school for a week, maybe it was longer, I can't remember. No one noticed until I stopped showing up for Glee club. Rachel called me, she yelled at me, told me to stop being an idiot. I told her to...Well I told her to get lost. I didn't talk to anyone. I isolated myself.

Sometime after that I was with my dad in the garage, he asked me to get something, I can't remember what, I lost my balance and almost fell, he grabbed my arm to steady me and I almost screamed from the pain. I screwed up my eyes and bit down on my lip.

"What's wrong Kurt"

"Nothing." I replied. I wasn't going to tell him.

His eyes scanned my entire body, he was looking for something, almost as if he could see right into my head.

"Show me your arm"

"NO"

I didn't want to, I didn't want him to see, it would upset him too much. His voice got louder and angry.

"Kurt, show me your arm!"

He said it over and over while I stood opposite him shaking my head, my arms crossed protectively across my chest. He gave me that look which means he's being serious, he actually looked upset.

"Kurt..."

"Fine!"

I snapped at him and took my time rolling up my sleeve.

Blaine,

Remember when we were sat on your porch this time last year, I was still at Dalton and we had gone straight from school to your house...well almost if you don't count the 20 minutes of innocence in the back of your car. You had tried your best to smooth down your shirt and comb back your hair while my tie was loose and unravelled my shirt likewise. We must have looked a sight, both of us breathless and grinning like idiots, our lips swollen and our uniforms a mess, you squeezed my hand and I squeezed back, your eyes shining as we walked up to your front door, your Mom gave me her disapproving look and you pulled me upstairs.

I sat down on your bed and our lips reconnected, our hands fumbling over each other desperate to remove ties and blazers. We lay down together me on my back and you on your side, you slid your hand slightly up my shirt and rested it on my lower stomach, you groaned and kissed my neck, I sighed and rolled over to kiss your lips.

We were sat outside on your porch waiting for my dad to pick me up, you had your arms around me and I buried my face in your neck. We were warm and cosy, I could have stayed like that forever. You whispered something in my ear and ran your fingers through my hair, I laughed and pulled my arms tighter around your shoulders.

He couldn't speak, my dad when he saw my arm, not just the purple bruises but the scratches too, he ran his fingers over the lines on my wrist. I thought he might cry, he looked so hurt. We stood in silence for ten minutes. I couldn't even look him in the eye.

"Who did this to you?"

I was surprised, his voice was calm and quiet he wasn't angry or yelling. Imagine his surprise when I gave him the answer.

"I did."

His eyes went wide and he pulled me towards him hugging me, I didn't hug him back, I cried.

Apparently depression runs in the family. My dad made me see a doctor and I have to take meds, several different ones. I got time off school so I could recover properly. I smiled the other day, It felt like the weights have been lifted off my shoulders. I've been back a couple of days now, everything seems to be ok.

I'm sorry Blaine.

You're Faithfully

Kurt x