September 1, 2012

Blaine,

I don't like being alone. Rachel's here, but she isn't, really. She's not with me; she's been swept up by the magic of New York City and Broadway, and besides, she's at NYADA. There are people I work with, but to them, I'm just the intern. We have some laughs, but they have better people to meet. I walk along these legendary roads, and I see dazzling billboards a hundred feet in the air, yet still dwarfed by the skyscrapers that seem to reach the clouds. Sometimes I wonder what I could see if I was a thousand feet in the air, hovering above the rest of the world. I would see more people every day then some see in a lifetime, yet I know that I would still be lonely. Perhaps no more lonely than I am now, surrounded by life.

Of all the people I see throughout my day, it seems as though every one has someone for company. I see families and groups of friends, although I suppose you could call those families too. There are those who walk hand in hand through the streets, keeping their partner close as though it was their only job, and I wonder how many are soul mates. Then there are some who walk alone, but you can tell that there are rushing to meet someone, maybe a coworker for a meeting, maybe they are on their way to a date. Nevertheless, they all walk with this passion, like they truly want to be here. I wonder how many are about to have their hearts broken.

I thought being here would be the best time of my life. I thought it was where my dreams would come true. A place with culture, with acceptance, a place that will love you. But now I'm here, and I realize that it's just a city. You can discover all the wonder about it, but it's not much fun when you look to your side to point out something magical, only to remember that no one is there.

I miss having someone. I miss being able to send a text and know that I will get a response. I miss being able to go out for coffee dates. In fact, I've barely had coffee at all. Maybe I never really liked the coffee, maybe I just liked the company. I miss knowing that there is at least one person who will stick with me when I need it. And, to be honest, I miss kissing. I miss holding hands, and hugging, and touching in every way, knowing that just your skin on his can somehow create sparks. Maybe that makes me desperate, but that's okay, because it's not like there's anyone to care.

-K

September 25, 2012

Blaine,

I found someone today. We've known each other for a while, and he's very fond of me. I like him a lot as well. Our meeting was quite random; it was almost like how I met you.

We went out on a date, and it was one of the nicest nights I've had in a while. We held hands and talked over a delightful meal, and yes, we kissed. It was a good kiss, and it made me feel nice. Still, it wasn't the same.

It wouldn't have made sense for it to be the same; the kiss, the date, any of it. I shouldn't have expected it to be the same, but a part of me hoped it would be because if it was the same, then maybe he could replace this empty, gaping hole within me that yearns to be filled. But I am home from my date with a wonderful man, one who could probably pick up any guy he wanted. And yet, this gap remains.

I told myself I wanted someone, but now I see I only wanted you.

- K