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Dear Diary,

This is me... Blaine Anderson... Former lead singer of The Warblers of Dalton Acadamy... Former Fight Club champion... And more then probably the former boyfriend to one Kurt Hummel...

I never wanted to hurt him. I'd never meant for any of it to happen. It had all just been one huge blur of a mistake. It had all happened so fast... But still... I'd been with someone... I'd kissed someone else... touched them... and I knew Kurt thought the worst and I let him think it... but it never happened... I never actually slept with the guy... I just... wanted to.

Yes, I'll admit it. I'd been attracted to him... I'd wanted him and I'd enjoyed kissing him and touching him. The clothes stayed on and none of the touches went beyond the hips but still... It shouldn't have happened... and it didn't matter that I'd had a shitload to drink or that the guy looked a whole heck of a lot like Kurt or that... once again... Kurt wasn't replying to my texts...

It was still wrong... no matter how lonely I was. No matter how desperate I was to be 'with' someone. It was wrong and I hate myself. I probably always will. I had the perfect guy... kind, generous, gorgeous with a beautiful voice and a bright future ahead of him... and I've gone and fucked it all up and broken his heart.

I'd totally understand if he never speeks to me again... I deserve it... if he never looks at me again, never even acknowledges my existence... I'd understand... And after everything I did I feel more alone then I've ever felt before. It's even worse then that night years ago after the Sadie Hawkin's dance when me and my very much gay date had been beaten within an inch of our lives and I spent the next couple of months in rehab.

It hurts more then anything to know that I could stoop so low... that I could hurt someone I cared about so much by doing something so stupid. I should never have gone to Scandals in the first place. I had a boyfriend so I shouldn't be seen in a place like that without him. It was stupid and truth be told I kind of knew it at the time...

I'd just been so angry and I felt so alone. Kurt kept brushing me off... going as far as brushing me off for some girl he said always had great gossip. I just wanted to hear his voice... I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me and that he missed me just as much as I missed him. I knew I was acting desperate but I hated this... Kurt was my everything... and now he was gone and I had nothing... nothing but a few scattered texts and short phone calls and the very sweet Skype calls that were far and few between.

I've been checking my phone every morning when I wake up... sometimes sending Kurt another text before getting ready for school. I check it again before heading off to school and again once I get there. I check it after each class and a few times at lunch just praying Kurt will call... I just want him to call and tell me it was alright and that he forgives me and that everyone slips up every now and then and that it's all ok.

I know Kurt thinks I actually slept with the guy. I know it... and I never denied it... why should I? I might as well have slept with him. I'd wanted to... We'd gotten close... I could barely even remember why we hadn't. I think I'd actually managed to come to my senses a bit and finally tell the guy I had a boyfriend...

I haven't been sleeping very well since that night, especially after telling Kurt the truth, and I'm barely eating. Classes have been going by like a blur and I don't even know what's going on in them half the time. Some of the teachers complained at first but after a while they just gave up and they just ignore me instead.

I'd wanted to stop going to Glee completely... they are, after all, Kurt's friends... all of them... Not mine. They all know what I did and they're all on Kurt's side... I hate the looks I get every now and then from one or more of them and how much they've been avoiding me or just pretending I'm not there. But they have every right... I broke their boy's heart. Kurt was one of them... and I hurt him.

I've actually stopped boxing... I just gave it up. I don't feel like punching anyone really... I'd much rather someone punch me... I would punch myself if I could but I can't really do that. I want someone to just 'punish' me already and get it over with. I want them to punish me and then tell me that all is forgiven now... but that wont happen. There are other ways I could hurt myself though... but honestly... I just don't care enough to try them.

I'm just quietly continuing on through life like a robot, just letting my body do what it's so use to doing every day... waiting... waiting for something to happen... waiting for Kurt to forgive me or just finally break the ties forever... waiting for my last year of school to finish so I can get away from all these reminders of a time that made me happy... get away from the faces of the people who know the horrible thing I've done...

I'm so tired... tired of it all... tired of crying myself to sleep and waking up from horrid nightmares of Kurt's angered words... tired of the stares in the hallways of the school... tired of going home every day to an empty house because my parents are away on another business trip... not that they could care any less about me anyway.

So ya... am I bitter? Maybe... but if I'm bitter at anyone it's at myself... I was someone... I was someone people looked up to... I was a nice guy... I was out and proud... People admired me... and now... Now I'm nobody...

This is me... Blaine Anderson... I had it all but I let it all slip through my fingers.

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