o~o~o


They’re hideous. In fact, they’re so disgusting Kurt would rather step in front of a train than let his boyfriend see them. He shouldn’t have them, they’re something fat girls and steroid junkies get, but his hips and his stomach are absolutely covered in them. Those sickening silver and red tears. Kurt hates them, he literally hates them. Sometimes he just wants to rip his skin away altogether because watching those marks fade away and then suddenly burst bright again has to be the definition of soul destroying. They’ll never go away. Kurt should know that by now, he’s had them since he was eleven years old, but every time they fade a little his heart starts to pound and he hopes that it’s finally over. That he can finally have his own body back. Kurt would really, really like his own body back because he would really, really like to give his body to Blaine but he can’t while it’s in such an ugly state. That‘s what hurts the most, because Kurt knows that those marks are there forever, and in turn, that means that he can never give himself away to his faultless boyfriend and he would really like to because he loves Blaine so damn much.

It’s not that he thinks Blaine will laugh at him or reject him or break up with him because that’s stupid; Blaine not that guy. In fact, Blaine tells Kurt he loves him, all of him, all of the time. That’s just the way he is and considering he’s such a physically attractive person, Kurt is just overwhelmingly grateful that Blaine doesn’t have a superficial bone in his body. In fact. Blaine passionately hates overhearing people being rude about other people’s bodies; he doesn’t think it’s right, it infuriates him, he‘s not afraid to say so either. Kurt’s listened to him talk and talk about how pathetic it is, how degrading and unnecessary it is. So, it’s not about Blaine, not really. He’s an unbelievably good guy, you couldn’t make him up, perfect people aren‘t supposed to be real but somehow Blaine exists and he loves Kurt and that‘s almost enough. It’s just so embarrassing for Kurt, that his body has let him down in such a conspicuous way, he wants to hide it all away, hide himself away, he’s so humiliated by it all. He’s so devastatingly ashamed of his own body. Kurt knows that only teenage girls are supposed to feel so insecure about things like skin and scarring and stretch marks but he tries not to care about that too much because those marks just make him feel so damn vulnerable every day.

If you asked Kurt, and he was being honest, he’d tell you that those marks of his have made him incredibly neurotic. When he’s home alone he can’t help but strip himself down and stand in front of a mirror, he can’t help but stare at all of those dreadful fault lines as tears slide down his face. Kurt will just stand there sobbing and sobbing, for hours on end, as he traces his fingers over those treacherous marks and he’ll always feel so disappointed. Disappointed in his body, disappointed that his mind isn’t stronger. Kurt can’t understand why it had to be him with the scars, it’s as if being gay and in a small town wasn’t a bad enough hand to be dealt. That’s why a part of Kurt needs him to believe in reincarnation, because he doesn’t quite know what he’s done in this life to deserve feeling so consistently downtrodden. What was it? Wasn’t he a good enough child? Because, his dad tells him that he was a great kid, always full of joy and optimism and music. His dad tells him that he was great then but, honestly, he’s much better now that he‘s older, he’s more his own person, and there‘s not a single thing that Burt would change about his son. But, Kurt, if he had the chance, he’d change everything.

Burt talks to Kurt all the time. Especially now. He can see his son’s spirit fall sometimes and he worries about it. So, he’ll sit his son down and he’ll tell him that he’s good enough for any boy he wants, that he’s good enough for Blaine, that he’s perfect, because he knows that Kurt forgets his own worth sometimes. Burt’s constantly full of encouragements and reassurances and he‘s not shy in sharing them, because he loves Kurt, and watching his only son hate himself everyday is heartbreaking. And walking in on him crying, with his arms wrapped tightly around his stomach, is utterly devastating and that happens far too often to be healthy.

Kurt sometimes thinks that his dad would probably prefer not to have these conversations with him. Especially when it comes down to saying over complimentary sentences like, ‘Your body is beautiful, Kurt, don’t let any boy tell you anything different.’ or ‘If they can’t love all of you, because of a few marks, they’re not worth your time, buddy.’ or even ‘You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself because you’re perfect, Kurt, despite what you think, you’re damn perfect.’ Kurt hates that his dad has to tell him all of this so often, that he doesn’t see it for himself, but he just needs to hear it from his dad sometimes because he‘d never lie to him, not ever.

Kurt needs to know that he’s okay and it’s not like he can talk to Blaine about this because Blaine can’t ever find out. Not ever. Kurt’s worked really hard to keep it that way. And Blaine hadn’t suspected a thing, at least, not until today.

The thing is, hormones can do funny things to you. That’s what Kurt is telling himself right now because why else would he be on his bed, flat of his back, with Blaine’s weight on top of him? It’s too risky to be a natural, unaided choice because all Blaine has to do is untuck his school shirt and he’d see everything. He’d see all of those disgusting rips on his skin and Kurt wouldn’t usually risk anything even close to that but this just feels too damn good to stop. Blaine is making him feel so good right now, so sexy, so turned on, so loved. His head is full to the brim with sensation and he doesn’t want that to end; so he lets it carry on.

It’s not long before Blaine’s curious hands start to wander progressively over Kurt’s body but he’s respectful enough not to slip them under his boyfriend’s clothes without his permission. He’s not about to rip his uniform off, he appreciates Kurt too much for that. Blaine’s perfectly content anyway- roaming around with careful hands and kissing him hard. He loves the way Kurt tastes in his mouth, the loves the sensation, he loves the warmth, he loves the texture. He could do it all day, it’s exhilarating and thrilling but it’s also soft and comforting. There’s nothing quite like it, plus, Kurt looks so gorgeous on his back with a soft blush on his cheeks.

“You’re so beautiful, Kurt.” Blaine moans into his mouth and Kurt tries so hard not to tense up. Kurt’s somehow managed to arouse his boyfriend beyond belief and he should feel really proud of himself, he knows he should because that means he’s attractive enough in Blaine’s eyes, but he just feels too nervous to feel anything but tense.

“You’re so perfect, Kurt, I want to see your body so, so bad. I want to see your flawless body.” Blaine whispers desperately and he moans then, as he presses his hips harshly into Kurt’s and Kurt just moans right back at him because however insecure he’s feeling this is still as sexy as hell. That insatiable feeling of weight on top of him, their bodies pressing into one another, the throbbing pressure, the gentle touching, the warm whispering, the deep moaning. It’s rapturous.

Then, of course, Kurt realises what his boyfriend has just said to him and he freezes altogether.

“No.” Kurt says incredibly firmly, maybe even too firmly, because Blaine pulls away from his mouth and his body with lightening fast speed. He sits back on his heels instantaneously and he gives Kurt space to breathe. He shifts a little, pulling at the fabric of his pants and then he looks at Kurt.

“Did-- did I do something wrong, Kurt?” Blaine asks softly and his beautiful eyebrows are raised so high in concern that Kurt’s chest starts pounding. He’s so gorgeous, so caring, could he even do anything wrong? Kurt doesn’t think so. He shakes his head. It doesn’t make Blaine look any less worried.

“No, you didn’t do anything, Blaine. I just-- don‘t worry about it, okay? Just come up here and kiss me again.” Kurt tries but Blaine doesn’t move an inch. He’s still just staring at him. It’s making Kurt squirm. They can’t linger on this issue, it’s too dangerous. Kurt can’t cope. Blaine is confused.

“I need to know what I did or what I said that made you say ‘no’ like that, Kurt?” Blaine tries and Kurt swallows because what can he say to that? He won’t let himself say: ‘My body is disgusting, Blaine, I can‘t let you see it because it‘ll hurt me too much.’

No. He won’t ever say that.

“It’s nothing, really. Don’t worry about it.” Kurt continues and Blaine just shakes his head.

“I am worrying, Kurt. I’m freaking out here because that was a ‘no’ full of conviction and now you’re trying to tell me it’s all okay? Can you see how that’s slightly conflicting? I- I don‘t know what I‘m supposed to do here, Kurt.” Blaine offers and Kurt turns his head away then.

“You can just leave, if you want to, I mean.” He says softly and Blaine lets out a tiny sound- it’s full of worry and concern. Kurt’s heart skips a beat.

“I’m not leaving this room until you tell me what I did. Was it the kissing, was I too into it? I‘m sorry if I got carried away, if I made you feel uncomfortable.” Blaine says sincerely and Kurt looks at him then, shaking his head, “No, no that’s not it at all. I love kissing you.”

There’s the tiniest of smiles on Blaine’s lips, it doesn’t stay for long.

“Then what was it, Kurt? Was it-- was it something I said?” When Kurt doesn’t say anything, Blaine groans, “Oh, God, it was something I said, wasn‘t it?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Kurt tries again and Blaine is obviously mentally re-tracing his steps because he looks like he’s daydreaming. He just stares at nothing for a while before he offers Kurt a serious, questioning frown.

“I said that I wanted to see your body. Was that it, Kurt, is that what upset you?” Blaine pleads and Kurt stares back into his confused eyes.

Kurt could cry because, realistically, how long did he think he could hold this conversation off for? Forever? It was always waiting to happen. Blaine was always going to ask him these questions, wasn’t he? He loves him.

“Yes.” Kurt says quietly and Blaine leaves the silence to hang awkwardly between them while he processes that answer.

“Why?” He asks eventually, “Was I going too fast, touching you like that? God, I‘m so sorry, Kurt.” he says quietly, guiltily, before a realisation hits him. He almost flinches and Kurt is scared.

“Wait. Is-- is it because you don’t like your own body, Kurt?” Blaine asks plainly and Kurt is panicking.

Kurt has two choices now. He can say ‘yes’, he can tell Blaine that he hates himself, he can put all of the blame on himself and try to deal with the fallout. Or, he can say ‘no’, he can tell Blaine that he was going too fast, even though it isn’t true, and he can pin all of the blame on his boyfriend. He’ll apologise and they won’t have to talk about it again and Kurt can hide away for a few more months. It almost sounds perfect.

He really wants to say ‘no’.

He’d do almost anything to deflect this situation but he can’t let Blaine think he’s done something wrong because he hasn’t and he loves him and he‘s the perfect boyfriend. It just wouldn’t be right.

Kurt feels physically sick, he closes his eyes and he whispers, “Blaine, my body is a mess.”

Silence suffocates him.

“…..”

“…..”

“W-what?” Blaine says eventually, still trying to comprehend everything that a revelation like that means.

“Can you please just go home now?” Kurt asks sadly, chancing a quick look at his boyfriend, he wishes he hadn’t. Blaine looks absolutely stricken, he looks awful, he looks like someone’s just smacked him in the face. Kurt’s never seen that look before and it completely terrifies him.

“Kurt, no. Why would you even think that? Haven’t you seen yourself lately?” Blaine asks carefully and Kurt just wants to push him off his bed and scream, “YES! And I‘m hideous!” but he doesn’t say anything. He’s not sure he can move his mouth anyway.

“You’re beautiful.” he says, “Kurt, you’re so damn beautiful that I don’t understand where this is coming from, baby?” Kurt is close to crying because Blaine has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s not beautiful, he’s sure of it.

“It’s horrible.” Kurt says in a whisper and Blaine puts a hand on his leg.

“Show me?” He says softly then and Kurt actually flinches.

“No.” He says firmly, purposefully. He can’t do that, he can’t. It’s too humiliating.

“I’ll take my shirt off too, I wont just leave you exposed and alone. I wouldn‘t do that to you, Kurt.” Blaine says and he sounds desperate. Kurt still can’t look at him.

How did a sexy make-out session turn into this?

“I can’t.” Kurt says softly and Blaine thinks he can hear tears in his voice and that worries him more than anything because if this makes him so upset Blaine should have noticed this. He should have spotted this straight away and he should have been able to help him. Blaine is upset with himself. He’s angry with himself. This should have been obvious.

“Why are you so afraid?” Blaine tries, “I love you, Kurt. I wouldn’t hurt you. You do know that, right?” Kurt just nods once and bites his lip, his arms wrapping around his stomach. Blaine thinks about that.

“Is it your stomach? Is there something wrong, Kurt?” Blaine asks and he keeps talking because he can’t handle the silence anymore.

“Do you have a scar there or something because I have plenty of scars too, Kurt?” Blaine says honestly. Trying so hard to understand what’s going on.

“I don’t want..” Kurt starts and then stops himself because this sounds so stupid.

“What? Tell me, please.” Blaine pleads.

“I don’t want you to think I’m ugly.” He admits and Blaine winces.

“I would never, ever, think you are ugly.” he says seriously before adding shyly, “I got hard just kissing you five minutes ago, Kurt.”

Kurt shakes his head.

“It’s all you’ll see when you look at me. I-- I can’t stand the idea of that.” Kurt tries to explain.

“Kurt, that would only ever be an idea. When I look at you I see Kurt Hummel, my beautiful boyfriend, I see a person who’s strong and brave and bold and so many other types of wonderful. I--I wonder if I’m good enough for you sometimes, Kurt. That fact that you wonder that about yourself too-- it‘s breaking my heart.” Kurt turns to look at Blaine then, there are unshed tears swimming in his eyes.

“I’m so scared.” Kurt says and Blaine just nods.

“I know you are. But I love you and I could never think anything bad about you. You don’t have to be scared of me or what I’ll think, Kurt.” Blaine promises as he shuffles closer to Kurt. Back between his legs.

He starts unbuttoning his own shirt then and Kurt cannot take his eyes of his boyfriend or his fingers as he frees his shirt buttons one at a time. More and more of him being revealed as his hands work lower and lower. He looks up then, when they’re all undone, and smiles at Kurt as he slips his shirt off his shoulders. Kurt draws a breath, his eyes are wide. Blaine is beautiful.

“You’re beautiful.” Kurt whispers and Blaine smiles, something near relief washing over his face for a second.

“So are you, Kurt.” Blaine tries again and Kurt shakes his head, he’s about to look away when Blaine grabs one of his hands and pulls his attention back.

“Kurt, please, just look.” Blaine says softly as he lifts Kurt’s hand to his side and presses it into his flesh. Blaine bites back a moan because his boyfriend is finally touching his naked skin and that’s almost too much for him handle. He’s wanted this for so long, but not like this, not with Kurt so upset.

“See this?” Blaine asks then and Kurt shakes his head because he can’t see anything. Blaine moves a little and Kurt sees it then, a six inch scar runs up his side. It’s noticeable when you know it’s there, but it doesn’t matter, Kurt doesn’t care that it’s there. He’s more distracted by the fact that his boyfriend is on his knees, in between his legs, on his bed, with his shirt off.

“We all have scars, Kurt.” Blaine says, “Things we don’t like about ourselves too much. Things we’d change.” Blaine muses and Kurt looks into his eyes then. They’re beautiful, so soft and inviting.

“I have a scar here too.” Blaine says putting Kurt’s hand on his shoulder before he says, “And I think my chest is too hairy sometimes.”

Blaine blushes.

“No, it’s not.” Kurt says before he even realises that his mouth is open.

“Thanks.” Blaine says genuinely before he stares at Kurt.

He could get lost in the staring, but he can’t, there’s a point to all of this.

“Kurt, I’d really like you to show me what bothers you so much? You don’t have to, of course you don’t, I’d just really like to know so I can tell you how wrong you are.” Blaine encourages and Kurt frowns.

“I’m not wrong on this.”

“Then show me.” Blaine says and Kurt hesitates because his is more than a few scars. His stomach and hips are covered in those repulsive stretch marks.

“If-- if I do. Will you promise not to-- not to leave me? Please?” Kurt whispers and Blaine nods his head.

“I would never leave you, Kurt, especially not over this. You know how I feel about these things.” And it’s true, Kurt does know. He knows what kind of a person Blaine is.

So, he just goes for it.

He takes his hands back from Blaine and starts unbuttoning his shirt. The first few buttons are easy and quick but as he gets lower and lower it gets harder and harder. He feels absolutely disgusting when he’s undone the last one and the material just falls away. The security is gone. He feels so vulnerable; so exposed. He’s so ashamed. He looks away.

He cries.

A loud sob escapes him and as he tries to grab the material back, to wrap it around himself, Blaine catches his hands.

They don’t say anything.

Blaine quietly takes in Kurt’s offending stretch marks- their messy linear structure, their violent reds, their bitter silvers but, most of all, the shear number of them. He frowns. Kurt’s been keeping this a secret from him. He could have told him. He can hear Kurt’s crying now.

Oh, Kurt.

Kurt tries to push Blaine away then, the silence has been eating away at him and he just can’t take it anymore. Blaine shakes his head.

“Kurt, no, it’s okay.” Blaine says quickly, quietly and Kurt still won’t look him in the eye but he stops struggling. He’s so ashamed of himself. This was a bad idea, Kurt thinks, such a stupid, stupid idea.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine.” Kurt whispers then and Blaine doesn’t understand why he‘s apologising because he hasn‘t done a single thing wrong.

“Why are you sorry, Kurt?”

“I’m sorry that you saw this.” Kurt says, self deprecation and disgust smothering his words.

Blaine squeezes his hands.

“Kurt. They don’t change anything. They don’t change the way I feel about you.” Blaine reassures and Kurt looks at him then.

“They‘re horrible!” He’s almost shouting.

“No. No they’re not. There’s nothing wrong with them. It happens, Kurt, it happens to a lot of people. They’re a part of you, Kurt, and you are not horrible or disgusting or anything else that you think they make you seem.” Blaine’s eyes are huge by the time he stops talking.

“I hate them so much.” Kurt whispers and tears are slipping down his face.

“Kurt, I don’t hate them.” Blaine tries again, softly as he reaches out a hand a wipes tears from Kurt’s cheeks.

“You should.” he says and Blaine shakes his head again.

“No. I promise you, Kurt, they don’t change you, or us, or anything. They’re just a part of life. Most people have them somewhere, even if they haven‘t realised it.” Blaine reassures.

“You don’t.” Kurt cries and Blaine frowns.

“Yes, I do, Kurt. I have a few on the backs of my legs. They just appeared one day but I’m not ashamed of mine, Kurt, so, please, don’t be so ashamed of yours.” Kurt frowns.

“They’re not attractive, Blaine.” Kurt reasons.

“But you are.” Blaine says, reaching a hand out and laying it on Kurt’s stomach.

“No.” He pleads, but Blaine ignores that one.

“Yes.” He says instead, as he leans down and kisses his boyfriend’s body once, tenderly.

“Blaine, you don’t have to do this for me.” Kurt whispers but that doesn’t stop Blaine placing kiss after kiss after kiss over the marks that cause his boyfriend so much distress.

“I want to do this. I want to kiss your beautiful body. I‘ve waited so long, Kurt.” Blaine says before he places a kiss on Kurt’s hip and it sends a shudder of arousal through him.

“Oh, god.” Kurt moans and Blaine smiles.

“I’m going to kiss them until they get better.” he says then as he sends another shudder through his boyfriend and Kurt can’t help but buck his hips up a little.

“They--they don’t get better, Blaine.” Kurt stutters out as he looks up at his boyfriend.

Blaine’s grinning down at him and his eyes are full of lust and wanting and love.

“Oh, I know that, believe me.”


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