Decisions and Rejects

My name is Blaine Anderson-Hanson and Im twenty-eight years old. I never put much thought in the direction my life would go. Now I find myself contemplating the very wonders and mysteries that knitted my life to what it is today. How differently would it be if I listened more, spoke less and allowed myself to imagine the unexpected? Would I be happier or sadder? Would I spend my Thursday evenings in the city aquarium or would I be in a hurry to get home? Would I care if my husband stayed out late with other men? Would I cry when adoption agencies turned down my applications for a child? It is so easy for me to close my eyes and ask these questions. Each time I do, I am reminded with the image of a beautiful stranger I once called my friend. In my imagination, if I dared and allowed myself to wonder down that dangerous road, this old friend of mine would smile back at me. In this rare and wonderful moment my life felt whole for the first time in eight years. Then, right before this moment could go too far, I would open my eyes and be reminded of the cold truth - decisions can only be made once and I must live with the consequences.

I understand my woes are minimum at best to the true horrors in this world. I have a warm bed to sleep in, clean water to drink and good health to keep me active. On the surface I should not complain, and I ask forgiveness to those suffering worse than myself. I understand my distress is nothing grand, or worth remembering in terms of longevity. It even shames myself to listen to these complaints. I am married to a respectable man, I work at a respectable elementary school, and I co-own a respectable home - these are blessed gifts some people can only dream about having. I should not complain, but after five years of silence I cannot hold it in much longer. It is only so long that I can stare at the colorful fish swimming in this aquarium before I break into heavy tears. I can already feel the first tear forming.

I do not remember when my series of life changing decision began, but I do remember when the consequences came knocking into my ‘happy ever after.  They began in this aquarium at this very stone bench overlooking the pink jellyfish. Similar to the jellyfish which look harmless, the truth about to unfold stung me with bitter realization that it made me want to stick my arm into the tank in order for forget the pain.   

"I decided to do it." Kurt, my beautiful friend transformed into a haunted memory, spoke from this bench now empty. "Im going to take the job offer. It has everything I wanted. Ill get to finish my new manuscripts and begin directing my old plays into live productions."

"I happy for you." In all truth I was happy. How could I not be happy? I was engaged to the sexist man I have ever known, and now my best friend had reached his own dream. At that point in time, life was perfect - I was happy and those around me were happy.

"Theres one thing." Kurt bit his lower lip and looked away from me. I should have known a blow was going to hit, but like so many times my head was in the clouds. "The job is in London, and I fly out in three weeks."

London, after inquiring in what was surely a high pitch squeal, my friend confirmed my fear. He would be moving out of the country.   

"You cant go. New York has been our dream since high school." In hindsight I wish I could slap myself for what I said next. "You cant miss my wedding. I need you."

The tear threating to fall a moment ago, broke free from the corner of my eye and rolled down my face. The ghostly shadows of fish swimming across my skin hid my pain well. Thankfully the aquarium is mostly empty and no one is bothering me.  

"New York was your dream." Kurt looked back and weakly smile. Little did I know then, but that would be the very smile that would haunt my mind when my imagination went astray. Now days I try and open my eyes and break the memory before Kurt could talk any further.  Today Im feeling too weak to resist. "My dream was to be with me. I cant watch you get married unless that person is with me..."

There is no point in wondering how my life might be different if I gave a different answer. I said what I said, "Kurt, you are my best friend, but I love James. It has always been him."

Somewhere behind me I hear two children shout with delight. It must be their first time to enter the aquarium. When Kurt brought me here that day, it was my first time also. I can remember being confused by Kurts decision to come here, but thankful and highly impressed that we did.

"I knew you would say that." Kurt spoke as if he had rehearsed this conversation after years of practice. "That is why I want to give you your wedding present." A special card made its way into my numb hands. "Its a year pass into the aquarium." The single card had my name correctly spelt and a picture of myself. "Remember in college whenever I was stressed I always went to my secret hiding place to think? Well, this is my spot, and Im giving it to you."

I open my eyes once more and mindlessly watch the pink jellyfish floating up and down. The empty seat on this bench seems bigger than usual.

"Im no longer going to need this place, and I would like you to have it. Promise me you wont tell anyone about it." I cannot remember if I said or did anything. The air in my lungs felt as if they were filled with salt water, and the glass separating me from the ocean life was cracked away. "Once you are married you will no longer miss me. If there is ever a time that you do, or you want to be away from life, come here and take a break from your worries. This secret hide away has done me well over the years."

Kurt did not cry or act hurt. Long before this conversation and before I knew it myself, Kurt removed his title as my partner in crime, and distant himself from me both emotionally and an oceans width away.

Up until this morning I always wondered what happened to my former best friend. I have spoken with friends and asked Kurts father. Each time I inquire I was given the same response. "He is happy." Whenever I hear this I cannot help but wonder. Is he happy or is he content with a respectable life? To this day I do not know, but he looks awfully happy in the black and white newspaper clipping a friend cut out for me. I did not need to read the entire article. The headline said everything I needed to know.

"Sorry to bother you sir." A young mother of two approaches the vacant half of the bench. "Is this seat taken?"

I take a moment to stare at the place Kurt once sat. "No." The woman begins to say something, but I talk first. "I was just about to leave for the day."

A boy and girl run past me and quickly placed their hands on the glass and marvel at the pink jellyfish. In all their excitement they did not hear their mothers warning them to avoid the glass.

Would that be me if I chose Kurt instead of James? Would we take our children to the aquarium and teach them everything we had to offer? Kurt always loved children, and James rejects the notation every time I bring up the idea...No I must not think that way. There is no undoing the past.

"Sir," the woman calls after me. "You forgot your newspaper article."

I do not turn around and collect the paper. I have allowed my mind to wonder too far for one day. Maybe when the weather brightens up and the snow stops falling, I will read the entire story. For now the headline is all I can withstand.

~

"Renowned playwright Kurt Hummel gets married in a private Hawaiian ceremony."