"Baby, we could fuck the 'rights' – I don't care if it doesn't feel right! I don't want to feel right if wrong is being with you!"
"Sebastian, stop it. You're making me feel very uncomfortable – I have a boyfriend. There he is, getting me coffee and glaring at you, so pleasestop propositioning me like that."
"That's … what's his name? oh yeah, Kurt … that's Kurt up there? I thought it was a girl … my bad …"
"If you think insulting the man I love is going to win me over, I should seriously consider why your parents are paying so much for your education." And you know that normally you try so hard to be civil to him, but you can't stand the way he's constantly putting Kurt down.

And then Kurt's there, and thank god, because you really don't think you could've held him off any longer without biting his head off. Not that Kurt was exactly going to improve the situation.

"What was that, Blaine, honey? Here's your coffee … oh! Sebastian! I didn't see you there – how have you been? Hopefully not too ill …" and you give him a questioning look, not quite sure where he's going with this, but certain that Sebastian won't like it and hoping desperately that it won't cause a fist fight in the middle of the Lima Bean. "Oh, it's just … I heard about the herpes … oh sorry, was I not supposed to mention it?" and he says it all in a loud stage whisper, and the look on Sebastian's face, let alone that on some of the other customers, had you snorting into your coffee cup.

"Very mature, Kate … uh, I mean Kurt," Sebastian drawled, trying to avoid eye contact with the mother of the family sitting on the next table who was eyeing him with unveiled disgust.
"Oh, you can talk! Honestly, get over it – I sound like a girl and I care about fashion. Apparently Blaine seems to dig that, so I wouldn't put it down."

You can sense Kurt's voice getting bitchier and bitchier and you know this won't end well, so you place a hand on his sleeve and squeeze slightly.
"That's right – keep your dog on a leash, Blaine. Or should I say your bitch." Kurt opens his mouth to speak again, but you jump in before him, trying ridiculously hard to control the level of your voice, because you really don't want to cause a scene over three-way gay relationship troubles in the middle of Ohio.

"Ok, first thing's first," and your voice is like ice and rocks and a million other cold, hard things. "You do not speak about him like that. He's a thousand times the person you are, so shut the fuck up." You feel Kurt's sharp intake of breath at the profanity, but you're past caring that your usually-so-charming façade is cracking. "Secondly, I love him. That's not going to change – not now, not ever. So just back the fuck off. And thirdly, you're just a sleazy little twit who's dying to get some, so just pick up some random drunks at Scandals, ok?" And you don't even stop to see if you are indeed causing a scene, grabbing Kurt's arm and pulling him towards the exit. He just follows you a little breathlessly, bumping into you as you pause at the doors.

"Oh, and Sebastian?" you call back over your shoulder. "Watch out for those STDs – I've heard herpes hurts like a bitch!" and then you're shoving through the doors and running to the car, dragging Kurt behind you. You both slam into the side of the car and use it to support yourselves as you struggle for breath through the laughter. Kurt's is bordering on hysterical and you can see a few tears trailing down his cheeks.

"Oh … my god … did you see … his face?" he gasps out around fits of giggles. You just nod in reply, unable to control your laughter for long enough to get words out. You try to calm down enough to dig the car keys out of your back pocket, and you're almost there, but then Kurt yells "Herpes!" and you're helpless against the burst of mirth which explodes out of you.

Suddenly, Kurt sobers up, squinting towards the café. "Are they … security guards?" he asks, pointing towards the two men making their way towards you.
"Shit!" you curse, fumbling with the keys again, but this time succeeding in opening the car. You both struggle to get yourselves in, the gravity of the situation bringing on yet more laughter. You manage to start her up, reversing illegally out of the parking lot, zooming past the shocked security guards and away down the street.

"I guess … yelling about herpes in a public place … isn't socially acceptable …" Kurt huffs out around his fit of giggles.
"Yeah … but when has … socially acceptable … ever stopped us?"