"Coop, what's the best thing I've ever done for you?"
"Well, I could respond with some sort of dirty comment … wait no …"
"No no, I'm serious."
"You go first."
"I asked you first."
"Fine, but you have to tell me yours after."
"Deal."
"You woke up."
"You were there when I did."
"Oh god, you were so still … I can still see you lying there, all broken and bruised and … I thought … I thought you … weren't going to …"
"But I did, Coop. I did. And that's all that matters, right?"
"No! You shouldn't have had to go through that shit in the first place! I should've been there!"
"It wasn't your fault – you weren't to know."
"You asked me, though. You asked me to chaperone – I should've guessed something was wrong."
"But that – what was her name? – Jilly Saunders finally agreed to go out with you – I didn't want to drag you away from that."
"Do you really think that getting into Jilly Saunders' pants was more important to me than you?"
"No, no, I wasn't suggesting that. Don't' look at me like that, you know I wasn't!"
"And you know that wasn't why I said no."
"I know, I'm … sorry about that … it was a bad week."
"I wasn't trying to be your father – I was trying to protect you! Like dad couldn't be assed to do!"
"I know, Coop, I-"
"But if I'd known that-"
"I know, Coop, I know, but you just would've been hurt too, and that would've doubly sucked."
"But at least I could have … I mean, I should have …"
"Could have, would have, should have – there's no point in thinking like that."
"But-"
"Look, you were there for me. I opened my eyes and everything hurt like a bitch and I was terrified and I didn't know where I was, but you were there, so everything was okay. You helped me get better, Coop. I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there and I was stuck with mom and dad."
"Would have, could have, should have, blah blah blah"
"Alright, alright, I guess I was asking for that one. But my point still stands."
"Whatever. Why were you asking anyway? What brought all this up?"
"Kurt wanted to know what sort of relationship I had with you – I said I didn't know how to describe it … because you're … you're you."
"Because I'm awesome."
"I guess … you're the only thing that's kept me sane … but you also drive me completely insane-"
"And I'm awesome."
"And then Kurt said that he could get a clear picture if he knew what the best thing you'd ever done for me was, and vice versa-"
"Dude, could you please at least acknowledge my awesomeness? It's getting rather offended."
"Oh, it's a separate entity now?"
"Yeah – it's too big to fit inside me. And I'm not really up for that – it's more your deal."
"Oh god, okay, unnecessary mental images …"
"How many unnecessary mental images do you think I get when you and Kurt go upstairs, mm? He provides, shall we say graphic sound effects too … I'm quite impressed with his vocal range-"
"Stop! How does every conversation manage to find is way back to my sex life and you making lewd comments about my boyfriend?"
"I guess it's because he's so loud, he's, like, calling the conversations to be all about him-"
"Ok, seriously, shut up now. This conversation is over. I'm going to Kurt's."
"…Are you going to tell him what I said?"
"The first part or the second part?"
"The first…"
"Is that ok?"
"I guess so …"
"Right then …"
"And you're more than welcome to tell him about the second part too, because, I mean, it's a compliment, really, and-"
"Ok, yeah, bye."
"Have fun!"
"You know what? I will. I might even come home and share all the details with you-"
"Aah, no! You're corrupting my innocent mind!"
"I thought so."
"Be safe!"
"Cooper, shut up."
"Don't get him pregnant-"
"COOPER!"