Kurt Hummel is sexy.

Well, at least he thinks he is. He may not be dripping in sex appeal or have the body of an Adonis, but a lot has changed since he was the awkward baby penguin he used to be.  Instead of rippling abs, he has a subtle kind of tone to his stomach. He is quite proud of his arms as well. Again, they don't hold a candle to Arnold Schwarzenegger (but really, who wants to look like their body is a human shaped bag of watermelons?) but he's held his own in an arm wrestle. And you can actually see where the muscle is, which is always a start.

But Blaine never seems to mention it. Blaine always tells him he's adorable or cute, but never sexy. Whenever they had sex, it was always beautiful or gorgeous. Even when Kurt shared his bucket list and wanted to 'Have relations with Taylor Lautner on a dewy meadow of lilac before he gets fat', Blaine only said that the idea was hot. Not Kurt.

Kurt wants to change that.

But he has no idea where to start.

­­­­­­­­­---

So maybe asking Rachel wasn't the best idea.

Kurt is pretty damned glad they have a flat to themselves now, because Rachel's cackles can probably be heard throughout the whole of the apartment complex. He could see why the question would be answered with an awkward chuckle, but this level of laughter seems downright offensive to him. He stands there, blushing profusely and tapping his foot impatiently while she finishes her moment of insanity.

Rachel grabs the material of her shirt, clutching at it as though her heart is about to stop. "Oh my- You want to-" She wheezes and then starts laughing again.

Kurt is getting a little more than embarrassed right now. "It's not that funny..."

Rachel practically shrieks. "It is!" And then she has to plop down on the sofa because standing requires too much effort on her part.

Kurt can feel himself blushing; it's hot under his cheeks and is creeping up his neck. He doesn't really understand why this is any different when Rachel asked him to help get Finn to like her. Hopefully she wouldn't turn him into a 'sad clown hooker'. In fairness, Rachel isn't lusting after Blaine (anymore) so Kurt prays to every fashion icon he knew that the outcome would be different.

He is starting to contemplate just leaving her to choke on her own amusement when the screams die down into more of a breathless chuckle. She wipes away the tears in her eyes, then lets out a breath and stares at him intently.

"I apologise."

Kurt twists his mouth. "It really isn't that funny that you must insist on throwing up your vocal chords in that sorry excuse of a laugh."

Rachel looks sorely offended. "I would never laugh in such a way that would harm my voice"

"Can we get back to the case in hand?"

She nods and relaxes back into the sofa, scrubbing at her eye once more with her forearm. "You know, it was only hilarious because you just walked up to me and said 'Help me be sexy'. You caught me off guard."

"That is not the point, Rachel!" He flounces. Kurt Hummel never flounces. Living with Rachel is clearly becoming a bad influence. He curls his legs up and buries his nose in his knees. He really doesn't want to say this, but Rachel would never let him live down that one comment if he didn't follow it up with an explanation. Curse his choice in friends. "Bain muffnt mnk mm fmumfy."

"Kurt, honey, speak to the air."

Kurt uncovers his face- "Blaine doesn't think I'm sexy" -then hides in his jeans again. Why was he doing this again? He didn't need to be doing this. He could live his life without being sexy, just pleasing Blaine more in the way a puppy did - being cute and cuddly. Except he is a puppy Blaine can legally hump. And asking Rachel on advice of how to be sexy isn't the greatest idea he's ever had. She's probably more awkward than he is.

"Oh, Kurt!" Her hand comes to rest on his shoulder comfortingly. "Of course he thinks you're sexy. He wouldn't have sex with you if he didn't!"

Poor, ignorant Rachel. Kurt lifts his face off of his knees to look at her, but he still holds onto his legs. He really did feel juvenile in this position - it's like he'd just admitted to his mummy that he'd done something wrong and is now trying to explain himself. "He doesn't think I'm sexy; he thinks I'm cute. I'm just like a puppy to him." His eyes widen. "Oh my God, he's having sex with a puppy. And he's okay with it. That is so wrong!" So he buries his head again in shame. He lied. He couldn't go on being an adorable little puppy. He needed to  be sexy.

"Hey, listen." Rachel puts her arm around Kurt's shoulder and pulls him into her side. For all the shit he gives Rachel, Kurt can't help but admit that she is great for cuddles. Like, really great. Possibly the only upside to boobs. They make awesome pillows. "You are sexy, Kurt. As a woman I can tell you that you're hot as hell. And if Blaine hasn't said so it's because... well, he's Blaine."

He looks at her blankly. "What?"

Rachel scratches her nose. "Well, you know. Blaine's a little slow on the uptake. I mean everyone could see you swooning over him a mile away and he barely noticed there was a difference." She ignores the slap to her arm and continues. "He didn't even realise that he liked you until you went and swept him off his feet by singing. Honey, Blaine is really oblivious. He isn't going to appreciate your subtle sexiness the way we all do, you have to throw it in his face."

Kurt actually finds himself contemplating her words. Blaine really is clueless to everything unless you scream it to him. Kurt had once tried dropping subtle hints as to what he wanted for his birthday (i.e. that Alexander McQueen shirt which would have looked so good on him), and Blaine had gotten him a set of bowties. They were adorable, Kurt concedes (and he does wear them from time to time), but he thinks Blaine just went shopping for himself and wrapped up the outcome. So Kurt did have to be really obvious with him. Kurt has to do what Kurt never, ever does.

Kurt has to try and be sexy.

Well then.

Kurt knows for a fact that whenever he tries to be sexy it never goes down well. He'd tried dirty talk in bed and had just ended up getting flustered and remaining quiet for the remainder of the session - and he didn't even want to remember the time they performed Animal. He can't help doing it, it's just the idea of trying to even be somewhat sexual makes him want to curl up in a corner and watch Disney films. The princesses don't have to be sexy - they just have to sit in castles, look pretty and then the princes were all over them. It'd be nice if real life was like Disney stories, Kurt decides.

He remembers where he is and turns back to look at Rachel. "But I can't be deliberately sexy. I've tried that, Rachel. It looked like I was having gas pains - quote."

Her finger goes to tap her pursed lips. "Hmmm..." Then she turns to look down at him with an expression which said Well it's the simplest thing ever. "Then don't try to be sexy."

Kurt rolls his eyes. "You're contradicting yourself, Rach. I'm supposed to be blindingly sexy but not try. That doesn't work."

"Sure it does, look at you now."

Kurt glances down at himself, and realises that at some point during the conversation he'd rolled onto his back and is now sprawled across the sofa, one arm trailing on the floor and the other hung loosely by his head. His legs are wide. Like, really wide. He shuts them immediately and sits up, gripping the edge of the sofa. That wasn't sexy, that was just... what?

"See!" She nudges his shoulder and gives him a wink."You don't even realise you're being sexy. I mean, if you weren't my best friend then my lady parts would be having a party right now."

Kurt raises a brow and blanches. "You did not just say that."

He swears, if she had a cup of water then she would take a victory sip. "You just have to act natural. Make it seem like you aren't even trying. But we are going to put on a show." She jumps to her feet, suddenly excited at the prospect. "We're going to have a sexervention!"

Kurt buries his face in his knees again. "Oh God, what am I doing?"

---

Rachel decides that Kurt is at his sexiest when he's singing and dancing (Kurt hopes she will forever remain in ignorant bliss of Animal), so that's exactly what Kurt will be doing. But no musicals for Kurt. Oh no, that's too tame. There aren't any numbers from Wicked featuring sex prominently. Pop is the way forward, clearly. Kurt sort of agrees with this. He isn't going to get into Blaine's pants singing Defying Gravity or I'm Not That Girl, but when Rachel actually makes him listen to the song he is going to be singing he sort of balks at the thought.

"You cannot... Rachel you cannot be serious!" His face is in his hands just from listening to the music. He'd long ago given up watching the video - he can't even fathom how ridiculous he would look doing what the man in the video was doing.

"Sure I can? I think you'd look fabulous in that."

"Of course I would but I mean..." He gestures towards a particularly risqué move the performer pulls off. "Can you even imagine me doing that?" ... "Don't answer that."

"Well I honestly coul-"

"I said don't."

---

Rachel doesn't even give him time to think about it. Within the afternoon she has already told Blaine that he will be coming to New York the next day and he will be staying for the weekend and holidays. Kurt is sure that she thinks this plan will result in a week's worth of sex, rather than the awkward silence which is much more likely to ensue. She has also made plans to stay at a friend's house while this 'goes down'. Kurt can't help but feel that Rachel is more focused on his love life than she is on hers (or lack thereof).

She manages to find the suit the next day. Really, Kurt would probably be excited about the prospect of wearing it if he wasn't so fucking terrified about what he is going to be doing this weekend. Yeah, the tight leather would look great on him and he is looking forward to wearing a bit of eye make-up, but the dancing and singing that goes with it is making his heart beat four times faster than is considered healthy. He'd been watching the video on repeat for the past day and while he will concede that Adam Lambert's version is completely and totally hot, his adaptation will look more as though he is trying to wade through mud. 

He decides to ask Rachel again for help on how to dance. As much as he hates to admit it, she is somewhat better than him at it.

"Okay, " she begins while adjusting his collar and pulling at a few of the tassels. "Well you shouldn't think of it as dancing. Because I know you love it, but you aren't convincing anyone with that shoulder shimmy of yours."

Kurt pouts. He likes the shimmy.

"So instead of dancing, you've just got to do what you think Blaine will like. Move with the music instead of dancing to it." She moves away from him to flip the stereo on, already with the CD in it. The music begins to play. She wiggles her hips with a grin and moves back to fix some more parts on his shirt. "Just go with the music. And no jazz hands."

Kurt swallows. Why is he doing this again?

---

In his opinion, the weekend comes much too quickly. He doesn't get much time to practise considering a big project pops up at Vogue and he's expected to help out until the weekend. Rachel also shooed him out of the house all morning so she could 'set it up'. So it's about an hour before Blaine is scheduled to arrive and Kurt still has pretty much no idea what he's doing. The apartment looks great, he'll give Rachel credit for that. It does look almost exactly like the set in the video. How she managed to pull something like this off he will never know. He wonders if she'll let him keep the decorations up when this all blows over.

The people, however, he might want to get rid of. Rachel had managed to persuade half of her dance class to come to this so-called 'Sexervention' and now there are half-naked men and women meandering around the apartment as if it is perfectly normal. They're all made up with their spiked hair or semi-afros for the women; everybody seems to be wearing eyeliner regardless of gender or orientation. It seems like Rachel's gone and turned their humble little flat into some sort of underground club. Except everyone's an actor. They all know what they're doing - according to Rachel they organised some kind of routine and all he has to do is stand in the middle, look sexy and do something vaguely similar to Adam in the video.

But still, he really doesn't know what to do. Kurt can act, he'll give himself that much, but can he act out this? Rachel said he just had to do what Blaine liked, right? He moves to the chair at the back of the room, where he is supposed to be starting his 'dance'. Blaine liked asses. Blaine really liked asses. Kurt is pretty sure that if part of him was disfigured in a horrible accident, Blaine would make sure his ass was fixed before the rest of him. So asses. He can do asses. He has a pretty nice ass.

Maybe.

He thinks.

Kurt Hummel is not ready for this.

---

Blaine adjusts his collar a little. Since Sam had mentioned it, he had been weaning himself off of the bowties. He still loves them like they are his children, but he has to let them off into the world at some point. And by the world he means the back of his wardrobe.

He wonders what was wrong with Rachel. She sounded really excited about him coming to New York. And she half-threatened him when he initially declined to spend the holidays with his parents. It took much too negotiation for his parents to even let him stay for the whole two weeks. Now he wasn't allowed to visit Kurt during the term.

Kurt.

Why was it Rachel who called him, rather than Kurt? He had been planning on spending a few days with Kurt during the holidays, yes, but he expected Kurt to ring him up at least the week before to give him some dates. He hasn't heard from Kurt at all this week. He's tried texting him but his boyfriend either remained vague or just didn't answer. Kurt always likes to plan ahead, always gives Blaine his schedule so he can align his accordingly. Has Blaine done something wrong? He doesn't even want to think of that prospect. Blaine shakes his head and stares purposefully at the door. Kurt isn't mad at him. Kurt was probably just busy. And now he's looking forward to spending Christmas with his boyfriend and sleeping in their bed. Hopefully there wouldn't be any space between them this time.

Still, he can't help but be a little worried.

Clutching at his suitcase a little too hard, he knocks on the door.

"It's open," Kurt's voice sounds from inside.

Blaine pushes the door open and has to step back a little at what he sees. Kurt's apartment did not look like this the last time he visited. The lights have been dimmed and the curtains pulled on so a sort of warm, red glow daubs the room - bouncing off surfaces and creating dull light in arbitrary places. Most of the furniture has been pushed against the walls, leaving only the sofas, the coffee table and a couple of chairs (which he is pretty sure did not exist last time he visited) around the room. There are also people sitting in said chairs. In fact sitting is a pretty loose term for whatever the people are doing, Blaine decides, considering a lot of them look like they're on the brink of orgasm with their legs spread wide and their lips between their teeth. Some are sitting with their legs crossed, some are sprawled across chairs and rugs... but it isn't the kind of 'sprawling' that looked ridiculous, not at all. Backs are being arched and arms are languidly dragging across the air. Blaine is exceptionally glad he didn't bring a bowtie, because he'd just have to undo it anyway.

Kurt has created a whorehouse. This is the only explanation.

"Um... Kurt," he calls out, because he hasn't actually seen his boyfriend yet. "Why are there... uh..."

A hint of light catches Blaine's eye. Kurt enters from a door Blaine doesn't remember existing (He doesn't remember a lot currently) and Blaine's jaw might as well be dislocated. Kurt is in leather. Leather with a golden shoulder pad which makes the light flicker whenever he moves. Blaine thought his pants were getting tight; they're like a skirt compared to what Kurt is wearing. He may as well have just painted his legs and Blaine would be none-the-wiser.

Kurt is walking- no, strutting towards him with a purpose Blaine has never seen his boyfriend move with. The knee-high boots make a quiet thud every time they hit the floor, getting louder and louder and making Blaine's heart race with every step they get closer. Blaine is waiting in this pool of confusion and untamed lust, wanting to know why Kurt was in that attire and also wanting to get him out of said attire and take him on the floor.

Blaine is allowed to be a horny teenager sometimes, right?

Kurt is close enough now that Blaine can see his face (shit, is Kurt wearing eyeliner?) and this new Kurt is donning a smirk. Kurt never smirks. Kurt grins, Kurt smiles adorably; this can't be Kurt.

Kurt raises a brow. Oh, but it is.

"Kurt... what is all this?"

Kurt crooks a finger in Blaine's jumper and starts to stride backwards. "Have a seat, Blaine."

Since when did Kurt's voice sound like that?

Blaine is in no position to decline. He allows himself to be seated in a rather plush chair and relaxes into it. Well, he would have relaxed into it - Kurt beats him to it, procuring a golden walking stick from nowhere and presses him back into the seat with a whisper of 'Just watch'. Kurt then shoots a glance off to the side and music begins to pulsate throughout the apartment. All the people on the chairs and floor begin to undulate in time with the beat and Kurt stalks over to the other side of the room; sits in a chair akin to the one Blaine is residing. Blaine watches his lover slowly cross his legs and rest his temple on his fist, tapping his forehead to the music. It's around then that Blaine recognises the song and feels his trousers get noticeably tighter.

So hot out the box can we pick up the pace?

Turn it up, heat it up; I need to be entertained.

Kurt's voice is going to levels Blaine didn't know existed. Kurt sang sweet songs, sang songs from musicals and maybe the occasional pop song. What Kurt did not sing were songs about sex -especially not with extremely athletic men dancing around him and women clawing at his chest. Kurt sings on in a voice that Blaine really hoped he would keep forever, standing up sinfully slowly and leaning back into one of the men who is assaulting him. He rolls his hips back into the man's crotch, stretches his neck to bear a column of skin then pushes away from the dancer and glides across the room. Blaine can't tell if the heat in his body is jealousy or pure, unadulterated desire.

I told you, Imma hold ya down until you're amazed;

Give it to ya til you're screamin' my name.

At some point Kurt had half-straddled a man's waist, hovering above the guy's crotch, and is now undulating. Like, not even shy little hip rolls or adorable little shimmies that Kurt always did. This is just- Blaine is insanely jealous of the man below Kurt's crotch now. Blaine most certainly deserved to be there. In fact, why is Kurt being such a tease about this? Whatever incentive this is, it most certainly should be Blaine being serenaded by Kurt's magical hips. How had Blaine never noticed them before?

Blaine is definitely salivating. He can feel the drool starting to trickle over his lip, but he has no intent to move to wipe it. Blaine can't move at all. Moving doesn't matter, though. Watching Kurt gyrate his hips is more important. Hell, he'd trade his ability to move for being able to watch this forever.

That's a lie. He'd trade lungs to be the man under Kurt.

So Blaine just stares in awe at the dance unfolding before him. Kurt is becoming a sex God right before his very eyes, something he never thought would happen. All he can think of is pulling Kurt onto his lap and attacking his lips and neck and body. And Blaine feels like a horrible person because, for some unknown reason, he has never appreciated Kurt's body as much as he does now. Kurt has muscle, he can see them peeking out from where his jacket ends and the long gloves begin. Have they not had sex in so long that Kurt's had time to become buff? God, Blaine is a shit boyfriend.

I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet;

You thought an angel swept you off your feet.

Blaine can't decide if he wants the people clawing at his boyfriend to stop or to carry on, considering someone needs to do it and he is currently immobile. They move their hips with Kurt's, all clinging onto him like he was a lifeline and at least four of the men seem to be inhaling Kurt's neck. If Blaine could speak, he would have yelled at them to back off. Though Kurt seems to enjoy it with his smug smile and his neck craning. Kurt's body is popping and locking and not one shoulder shimmy is yet to be seen. Blaine loves the shoulder shimmy, but it never turns him on like this.

I'm here for your entertainment.

Kurt looks him dead in the eyes, completely smouldering, then pushes all the dancers away and saunters towards him, lips still quirking up. Kurt slut drops, grabbing onto the walking stick and thrusting up into it as though he is pole dancing.

Oh, do you like what you see?

Blaine doesn't even feel silly when he nods. He likes what he sees very much. Kurt completely ignores his idiocy and moves to straddle him, letting Blaine roll his head back and moan. He is so very hard, and Kurt knows it. Kurt grinds his hips down and sings, the falsetto notes doing funny things to Blaine's head. He knows Kurt's vocal range is pretty damned wide, but this is just ridiculous. And completely hot. His boyfriend is fucking hot. His boyfriend is gyrating against his crotch in super tight leather and he's wearing mascara and eyeliner and Blaine'll be damned if it isn't the hottest thing he's ever seen.

Oh, let me entertain ya 'til you scream!

Oh!

And Blaine can't handle it anymore. He pulls Kurt's neck down; crushes their mouths together and refuses to let go. Kurt lets out a yelp of surprise and wriggles; tries to get away and finish his song. But Blaine only grips onto the small of his back harder - because Kurt writhing in his lap is doing nothing to reduce his hard-on and is making heat swirling in his abdomen. Everything is slick with sweat, heightened by want and the almighty need to come. His kisses are sloppy and fast, probably with too much tongue but Blaine doesn't find it in him to care because he is so fucking turned on right now. He does have one coherent thought though.

"All- ah, the people..."

Kurt pulls back a little, ignoring how Blaine chases after his lips. "I told them they should leave when I came over to you. Blaine we need to talk-"

Blaine whines. "Nonono, I need to come, Kurt." He rocks his hips up into Kurt's. "Can I come first?"

Kurt is still wearing that smug little grin of his. He lifts his ass up enough to give him room to unzip Blaine's trousers, and the latter sighs with relief. His cock would be permanently damaged if it didn't get air soon. Kurt kisses the back of his neck, and at exactly the same time wraps a sure hand around Blaine's cock. Blaine wails and it only took a few seconds of sure pumping on Kurt's part before he is coming with a cry. Kurt's hand milks him dry, then he is released and left gasping on Kurt's shoulder.

"What the hell did I do to deserve that?" he mutters breathlessly. And here he thought Kurt was going to be angry with him. He looks up at his boyfriend lovingly, reaching up to push a stray lock of hair aside. "You're so gorgeous, you know that?"

Kurt's face falls. He looks down and sighs. "We need to talk about that."

"What?" Blaine frowns. "Me calling you gorgeous? What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, it's just..." Kurt runs his fingers through his hair, mussing it a little. Both of them notice that the song finally ends, leaving the apartment in an uncomfortable silence. He sucks in a breath of air then turns to look back at Blaine with the sincerest of looks. "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Blaine raises his brow. That's what all this is about? "Of course I do, Kurt. Why would you think otherwise?"

Kurt is blushing madly now, trying to move out of Blaine's grasp. "It's just you've never really called me sexy before and I just wondered if you thought I was sexy because I know you call me cute and adorable but-"

He is cut off by Blaine's lips. They press against his lightly and briefly, interrupting him every time he tries to finish his sentence. Blaine is laughing at him. Kurt is fed up of being laughed at over this.

"Hey, if I wasn't making you feel sexy then that is entirely my fault." He runs his hands up and down his boyfriend's sides, marvelling at how toned they are. "You are sexy, Kurt. You are sexy and gorgeous and hot and cute all mixed into this one being which I can't believe I get to call my own." He presses another sloppy kiss to Kurt's lips. "And you didn't have to do all this to prove it. Though it is much appreciated."

And Kurt can't help but grin. "So... you liked it? Because I had no idea what I was doing."

"Oh yeah," Blaine exclaimed, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world. "Except for this." He tugs and the collar of Kurt's jacket

Kurt pouts. "What's wrong with the clothes? They look awesome."

Blaine grins and systematically begins removing buttons. "They do look very hot. But it's going to take me way too long to take them off."

Kurt grins and moves for Blaine's clothes. Yep. Kurt Hummel is sexy.