Blaine was a jittery mess from the time his phone beeped at a quarter to three in the morning and straight through the preparations for his family's Thanksgiving feast. The text had been from Rachel, but she hadn't acknowledged him since her and Kurt had visited for the school musical several weeks ago. Blaine had feared she was as upset with him as Kurt was, but her text made him think otherwise. It also made him hope that something great was going to happy soon, either that very day or over the course of the week.

Downstairs his mother, grandmother, and aunt were hard at work in the kitchen while the men in his family, minus himself and his brother, who was absent as usual, gathered in the living room around the corner. For the most part Blaine was trying to stay upstairs and out of the way, especially since his father's parents were here. Both of them had no idea he was gay, and if either of them found out… well, he didn't want to think about the fallout from it.

As far as his parents were concerned, it wasn't a matter discussed, and while they'd both been aware that he and Kurt had been boyfriends, they had no what had gone on since September. Blaine intended on keeping it that way, too. The less his father knew about his life the better off he was.

His only hope was getting through the meal in one piece and then getting out of the house to meet up at the shelter with Sam. After donating everything they'd raised from their canned food drive, they'd decided to join in and help serve the feast at the local shelter. It was something Blaine had never really done before, even though they'd all sung there last year at Christmas, but he thought it was a really great idea. And it meant being around people who might actually like him as he was, instead of people who strictly saw him as a bag of expectations.

"Blaine? Blaine! Come downstairs, son!"

He flinched slightly at the summons, but obeyed his grandfather's stern call. There was no disrespecting Cameron Anderson, especially if he was a relative. As slowly as he could Blaine went downstairs, checking his posture and straightening the thin green tie hanging from his neck. Even Kurt would have considered the state of his attire to be perfectly pristine and ready for a red carpet première, but Blaine knew his grandfather. Despite his perfectly tailored dress shirt (pressed and tucked in to be exactly even) and the slacks that covered his ankles, he would still be slighted to some degree, whether it was based on his clothing's state, physical demeanor or the gallon of gel he'd sealed his hair down with.

"There's my youngest grandson," Cameron boomed, clapping his hands in delight as Blaine entered the living room where his father, grandfather, and two uncles were sitting around the fire catching up.

Blaine paused in the entry way, back tense as he held himself up straight and gave them a small, tight lipped smile.

"You've grown," Cameron remarked, and Blaine took that as the prelude to a derogatory comment as he moved forward to shake his uncles' hands. "I can't imagine you'll ever be as tall as Cooper or us, especially with that gel weighing you down."

"No, sir," Blaine returned, voice steady as he faced his grandfather for the first time since he'd left his first high school and gone to Dalton. His father had done his best to keep them apart once Blaine had told him of his sexuality. "I take after my mother in that way."

"Nothing wrong with that," Uncle Ray assured him, smiling up at him and gesturing to the open spot next to him. "We can't all be burly men. But you still box, yes?"

"Absolutely," Blaine said, giving his favorite uncle a grateful smile as he sat down. "It's one of my favorite things."

"It's shame you haven't followed it further," Cameron cut in, almost looking wistful. "You might have made it to the Olympics this past year if you'd have focused in on it instead of dabbing in everything."

Blaine bit the inside of his lower lip, but said nothing in response. Directly across from him, and right beside his grandfather, Blaine's father smiled tightly and made no comment. The silence hurt even more now than it had four years ago. James never defended him, always made sure Blaine didn't talk about the passion for music that had brought him so far and would hopefully carry him through the rest of his life. None of the men around him would understand that, and so Blaine wasn't supposed to talk about it. Being a musician or Broadway sensation wasn't proper unless he surprised everyone as Cooper had and took the Hollywood route.

The conversation re-routed from there, filtering into discussions of various business happenings and sports. Blaine laughed at the appropriate moments and commented on the football discussion when it began, but his mind was wandering, still attempting to decipher Rachel's text message. He knew he'd said the very same thing to Kurt a dozen times last year in relation to NYADA, so there had to be some significance to her choosing those words. She'd been there to hear them more than once and right now she was the only person Blaine knew that was in the same place as Kurt. Or maybe he was just hopelessly reaching for something that was already gone. Maybe Kurt's extended silence since the play meant they had lost it all because of his own selfish mistake.

"– oh, I think someone's a little love sick over there," Blaine's second uncle, Robert, his father's brother, teased, and Blaine jerked his glazed-over gaze from the coffee table to find all four men watching him closely.

A knot of satisfaction looped around his chest when Blaine noted the way the muscles tightened in his father's jaw. But his own despair kept him from fully enjoying it. He was lovesick, and because he'd foolishly let his worst fears get the best of him, he may never find a way not to be. For now he'd acknowledged his own insecurities, flaws, and fears. He understood those parts of himself better, but he was still working on acceptance. Because accepting those meant moving forward and accepting that he'd hurt Kurt in the worst possible way. Moving on from this love meant learning how to forgive himself for everything that he had done wrong.

"I bet you've got somebody special by now," Cameron persisted as his uncles as watched on, looking hopeful. "A handsome young man like you ought to have a beautiful young lady on his arm."

"I– no," Blaine replied swiftly. "There was… someone, but we… we broke up. Distance was too much."

It was as close to the truth as Blaine felt he could get away with, but admitting it meant his father would realize why Blaine had been so detached and miserable since October. Once everyone else had cleared out or was back in the living room after dinner Blaine had no doubt his father would pull him aside and try to make light of what had happened with him and Kurt. Already Blaine could hear his words, telling him that Kurt and all of this had been a faze, a stupid fad he'd foolishly bought into for attention and that now, with college looming before him, it was time to get his head and his heart straightened out for a nice young woman.

"That's a shame," Uncle Robert said. "There'll be plenty of girls in college."

"You've already sent into your applications to Yale and Harvard," Cameron deduced, and Blaine knew from anyone else it would have been a question, but not from his grandfather. It was an expectation, and one he'd met despite knowing he'd never accept an offer from either.

"Yes, sir, along with… "his father shot him a cautionary look, but Blaine plowed on recklessly, "Julliard and Berklee in Boston."

He left out the other New York schools he'd added in, and the one application he was still working on for a school out by Cooper. Since he and Kurt weren't even speaking at this point, Blaine didn't know how comfortable he would be in New York. That was Kurt's home now, and without his renewed friendship, he didn't think he'd ever feel like more than an intruder in that city.

"Music?" Cameron muttered, looking like he'd never heard the word before. "For all of that piano you play– "

"Dinner's ready, everyone!"

Relieved, Blaine followed the rest of his family into the kitchen, trying to ignore the look his father was giving him and the way his grandfather's gaze was pondering his words and already beginning to fold under a shroud of disapproval.

The actual meal was pleasant enough, and over much too quickly for Blaine. He barely focused on what he was eating and what his mother was forcing second and then third helpings of, but ate to occupy his mouth more than because of hunger. Even now he still had little to no appetite, but he did what he could to nourish his body when he felt like he could force himself into it. Or when Sam began trying to force feed him during lunch.

As the plates were cleared away, Blaine prepared himself for the worst as he said where he was headed and why. His parents had already known of course, but the rest of his family hadn't, and while his grandfather was pleased to hear of his election as Senior Class President, he was much less keen on the idea of helping at a shelter. Cameron Anderson wasn't a man who liked to be pandered to or who sympathized with anyone less fortunate than himself. He was a go-getter. To him each person was only as good as their effort and work, and anyone who was homeless or poor was that way because they were lazy. Blaine disagreed entirely with that attitude, but it didn't stop his grandfather from walking back into the living room, muttering about the "worthless poor class".

Before he made his escape, a firm, large hand caught his elbow and held him back from the front door.

"A quick word, Blaine," his father's gruff voice demanded sharply.

Blaine tried to pull away, to drown out the roaring in his ears of the argument he knew was coming. "I'm going to be late– "

"Now," his father snapped, and Blaine sagged back into his grip, letting his father open the front door and lead him onto the porch.

The front door was closed gently behind him, so it wouldn't alert anyone else of their departure, and then Blaine was face to face with his father's stony face.

"You applied to Julliard," James said evenly, his tone clipped and stern.

Blaine nodded, clenching his jaw and waiting for the worst of this conversation to get going. His father always started with something less important before he got to what he really meant to say, especially when he had that expression on his face.

"It's one of the best, right?"

"Yes, Berklee's a fantastic school as well," Blaine informed him, glancing at his watch. "Look, I've really got to go– "

"Why did you break up? You a- and that… that boy– "

"Kurt," Blaine corrected tightly, trying to will his feet to move down the handful of steps and then over to his car. He didn't want this conversation to happen; he could already see the hope forming in his father's gaze. It was a look that made Blaine's stomach churn because it meant his father still couldn't love him for who he was, that the son he'd been given wasn't enough for him compared to the son he wanted. To Blaine, it told him that the potential for the boy James wanted outweighed the despair and guilt Blaine had been wallowing in for the past month.

"Right, this… Kurt. He graduated, didn't he?"

Blaine nodded weakly, trying to forget how happy they'd been during those weeks. How they'd sworn to find a way to make it work, and promised a hundred times over to never stop loving each other. And he'd doubted that, his insecurities had been fed and had festered like an infected wound, Kurt's long silences and broken phone and Skype dates and relentless need to discuss only New York based things had made Blaine think Kurt had stopped loving him.

"I– he's in New York. T- the… the distance was too much," Blaine admitted, and it struck him as ridiculous that the first person he'd confessed that to was his father, even more so when he found his mouth continuing to form the words he'd spoken to nobody since that night in Battery Park. "I– we barely talked and I… I was alone and lonely and I- I-I was with someone. I cheated, Dad."

Blaine stared out towards the street, eyes downcast and heart in his throat. Somehow confessing the worst of himself to his father, the one person who judged him harder than any other constant figure in his life, made the truth worse. Now his father really did have a legitimate reason to disapprove of him and Blaine was dreading what scathing response would come next.

"It's for the best," his father said softly a few moments later. "He was never good for you to begin with."

His teeth pierced his lip at the harsh words, tears prickling at the corners of Blaine's eyes as he shook his head in denial. That wasn't true. There was nobody else in his life that had done him so much good and given him everything.

"Don't shake your head," James said sternly. "It's the truth, and this is the proof of it, Blaine. It's impossible for you to love another boy, because there's no way you would have cheated if you actually loved him like you think you do– "

"You don't know what love is," Blaine whispered, wiping his nose as his tears began to fall. "God, I can't wait to move out of here, even if I can't move in with Kurt anymore. I'm so sick of you not being about to love me for who I am."

"Blaine, this is a ridiculous phase that's gone on long enough– "

"This is my life and you're treating it like a joke!"

"Don't– "

Blaine jerked away from his father's grip, set off down the front steps and straight to his car based on his memory of its location. Tears were clouding his gaze as his father's voice hollered after him, but the slamming of his car door cut his words off. In seconds, Blaine had turned his car on and was pulling out on the road, away from the disapproval and expectations his father liked to steeple on him.

Somehow his preparation for the worst hadn't helped him in the slightest when his father had said his opinion of the matter. The fact that there'd been absolutely no sympathy or compassion from his own father told Blaine that what he'd done was even more disgusting than he'd originally thought. It was almost as if his father had heard his words from a robdfot, had cut out the tone and anguish in his voice and accepted only the revolting hope he'd pulled out of it for his own intentions.

The drive went by quicker than Blaine had expected it to. Before his tears had even stopped falling, he was pulling into a empty parking space at the shelter, eyes puffy and burning from crying. Blaine took a few moments to try to compose himself, scolding himself for losing it so easily when he'd known his father's words would only be painful. He should have just walked away before James even started in on him and saved himself from even more heartache. Now those words would linger with him for days, weeks even. Some part of him couldn't help but wonder if there was any truth to them despite knowing he still loved Kurt now.

He never should have gone to Eli's house that day, because doubting Kurt's love had to mean he'd doubted his own in some way. Why else would he have done it? Even if Kurt's love had been in doubt, his own shouldn't have been, and Blaine hadn't thought it was. But now, after his father had said that…

"Hey!" A fist knocked against his window loudly.

Blaine jerked around and found Sam's grinning face staring down at him. The blond boy waved excited, the end of his mitten flapping about as Blaine tried to smile.

"Come on! We're going to be late!"

Blaine nodded so that he didn't have to speak as he climbed out of his car. He was grateful that the parking lot was badly lit and hoped dearly that by the time they were inside, Sam would be too distracted by helping cook and serve to actually notice the drying tear tracks or his red eyes.

He slouched after Sam, feet dragging and kicking dirty slices of icy snow up. Sam was prattling on excitedly, discussing all of the cooking websites he'd looked into to prepare himself for tonight, when something he said caught Blaine's attention like nothing else.

"– and Burt showed me all of the things Kurt taught him– "

"H- he– Mr. Hummel was– but– "

"Well, yeah," Sam said slowly, pausing outside the main entrance. "I still live with them, remember? Burt thought it was an awesome idea, even came along– "

He hadn't forgotten, yet, for whatever foolish reason, the thought of Sam and Burt bonding hadn't even crossed his mind. There should have been no doubt of it, considering how well Blaine had come to know Burt over the past two years. The man loved with his whole heart, and anyone who gained Kurt's trust was guaranteed more than a fair chance at being given Burt's as well.

"He's– "

"Hello, Blaine."

A jolt of panic ripped through Blaine's chest and he expected the blow of a fist to land on his face or torso. But it didn't. There was only the sound of his own harsh breathing and the fog of their collective breaths as he turned to find Burt standing a few feet behind him.

"H– Sir,I– are you– "

"Whoa, relax there, kiddo," Burt grunted as Sam nudged Blaine towards Burt and the door. "No need to sound so scared."

"But," Blaine bit his lip, keeping his gaze lowered as he waited for the inevitable anger and protectiveness Burt had for Kurt to kick in. He didn't understand why it hadn't already. "A- aren't you going to hit me or yell or– "

"There's more important things than that right now," Burt cut in, voice mellow. Sam shuffled his feet next to them, and Burt cleared his throat. "Why don't you head on in and let them know we're here, Sam?"

"Are you su– "

"Yeah," Blaine urged him, realizing Burt's intentions and dreading the end of yet another relationship he'd treasured more than anything else. After years of his father growing distant and always wanting someone else to replace the second son he'd had, Burt had appeared with Kurt. He was someone Blaine trusted more than himself, and Burt had become that guiding light in his life he'd always hoped to see shining in his own father. "Go on, Sam. W- we'll be in soon."

With a slow, concerned nod, Sam back pedaled into the shelter, watching them until the door closed. Blaine hugged himself immediately after Sam disappeared from his sight. He had no idea what to expect since Burt wasn't boiling over with anger and ready to murder him for breaking Kurt's heart.

"I– " Burt sighed heavily and sat down on the hood of his car, pulling his cap off to rub his hand over his scalp. "I don't hate you, Blaine, but we need to talk before we go in there."

"Yes, sir," Blaine whispered weakly, eyes locked on his boots.

"Look at me," Burt demanded suddenly, his voice commanding but gentle.

His head jerked up almost instantly, and Blaine found Burt's sad, disappointed eyes locked on his. The raw, heartbreaking ache settled in his throat like it hadn't in almost a week. He couldn't bear that look being directed at him, but he knew looking away would only bring part of Burt's wrath. There was no doubt it was there in some capacity. Kurt was Burt's little boy, the one person he'd had around longer than anyone else in his life. Kurt had been Burt's entire world and happiness for so long, and nobody, probably not even Blaine himself, loved Kurt more than Burt did.

"Tell me what happened to you," Burt requested, patting a spot on the hood next to him as request for Blaine to join him.

His words startled Blaine, because he hadn't expected them, barely even understood their meaning. It wasn't "tell me what you did with that guy," or "tell me why you broke my son's trust and heart," it was all about him, and it didn't register with him.

"What do you– I don't understand what y- you're– "

"I want you to tell me why you did what you did, how you felt that led you to make that decision," Burt explained calmly. "I've done my best to stay calm and level headed about this until now because I wanted to hear it from you."

Blaine gulped nervously and slowly dropped down onto the car hood beside Kurt's father. Burt was giving him a chance he didn't feel he deserved and what he said next would destroy it. Throat still tight and sore from holding everything in, Blaine began to speak.

"I… I thought I was losing him," he admitted weakly. "It felt like it. A- all of my worst fears were coming to life. He was missing all of our Skype dates and phone calls. Even when he'd pick up for a few seconds, and promise to call or text later, he never did. It was like he was forgetting me and everything we were, and I– "

Blaine's voice cracked and he hung his head in shame and regret. If only he'd done something different, if he'd only realized how terrible his decisions would be once he came to his senses and realized Kurt's silence and love for his new life hadn't meant what they'd had wasn't still strong and present.

"I thought I was ready for him to go and I wasn't," Blaine confessed as Burt shifted next to him. "Feeling like he was already lost when he hung up that day… he didn't even hear me tell him I loved him and I just… it was like I lost my heart," Blaine whispered miserably. "Like everything was just a fantasy I'd made up and I just wanted to feel something, anything that wasn't my heart aching and falling out of my chest. I'm so sorry I've disappointed you, and that I broke his trust and his heart. Nothing is ever going to get that back and– "

A hand came up and squeezed his shoulder tightly making Blaine swallow the rest of his words and hoping his heart would dislodge from his throat as well.

"That's all I needed to hear, kiddo," Burt said gruffly, and Blaine thought he had to be dreaming at the obvious heartache his voice held. "I could never hate you, not knowing that I was right about why."

"You– but how– "

Burt sighed once more, tugged on his cap, and rubbed his chin. "Because I know you, Blaine. Not nearly as well as Kurt does," Burt said with a sad smile, "but enough to realize you wouldn't just run out and find the first guy you could if it was only for sex."

Face burning at Burt's words, Blaine said nothing, just kept his head and gaze down towards his knees.

"I didn't– well , I knew w- what E- Eli expected with those messages, and I just… god, I don't know anymore," Blaine grumbled brokenly. "I wanted to feel something, for someone t- to hold me and make it stop hurting so much, but it only made it worse."

"I know that feeling," Burt admitted softly. At Blaine's stunned look Burt chuckled weakly and added, "You aren't the only one who's made mistakes, Blaine. It happens to the best and worst of us, regardless of intentions; everyone has weak moments, and sometimes those moments amount to the worst decisions of your life."

Blaine remained silent as he digested those words. If Burt was confessing to what Blaine thought he was… that didn't make sense. Burt was a terrific, fantastic husband, father, and man. There was no way he would ever cheat on anybody. He wasn't weak or insecure like Blaine was. Yet…

"I was your age once," Burt remarked with a soft laugh. "All throughout high school, I treated girls and sex like a joke. It was a game me and my buddies played, seeing how many we could bang and how fast. Sex was just something fun we did, even a lot of the girls were like that. I imagine a lot of kids your age are still like that." Burt rubbed his hand over his face once more, looking uncharacteristically bleak. "I wasn't like you and Kurt in high school. I wasn't looking for love or romance or a best friend to spend my life with."

"But… that was different," Blaine interjected miserably. "When you did that, you and those girls didn't trust each other like Kurt and I did. You didn't let each other in, body and soul– "

"I never cheated on those girls," Burt told him. "We had a bit of fun and that was it. I might have dated them for a few weeks to get to that point, but I didn't cheat on any of them, Blaine."

"Mr. Hummel– "

"Burt," the older man corrected sternly. "That's one part of our relationship that's never going to change."

Smiling weakly, Blaine started again. "Burt, I… I don't get what you're trying to tell me. If you never cheated on them– "

"I didn't on them," Burt amended, "but I did with Kurt's mother."

Shock zapped through Blaine at those words. Burt grimaced beside him as Blaine stared at him, stunned.

"You– "

"I'm not proud of it. Even now thinking about it or saying it makes me flinch but… "Burt shook his head roughly. "I met her in junior college, still going through girls and having my fun. I'll never forget that first moment I saw her; pretty much fell in love right on the spot. And it took me a while to realize it, and that that was why I was hanging around after months, and, god," Burt laughed humorlessly, "it scared the hell out of me, kid."

"But it's the greatest feeling in the world," Blaine said with a frown.

"It wasn't to me at nineteen," Burt informed him. "I was terrified when I realized how much she meant to me so quickly. I'd never felt like that about anyone else, and I panicked. Went to a buddy's party, had a few drinks, and one of the girls – I don't even remember her name anymore – well, we hooked up."

They were quiet for a few moments after that, listening to the growing murmur of voice inside of the shelter. Blaine imagined dinner was already well underway and by the time they actually went inside, it would be ready to serve. He really didn't feel hungry, more like he was going to be sick from his own guilt, the fight with his father, and now this. It amazed him to realize that even Burt, a man he'd practically thought perfect, could fall just like he had. And Burt had turned out all right, hadn't he?

"It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life," Burt continued, clearly his throat loudly. "She didn't talk to me for almost a year and I hated myself for a long time afterwards. Hurt myself on my dirt bike that summer, finished junior college, and started working at the shop. One day we got a call from her, she'd broken down way out by Oaks Mill Farm… " Burt smiled a little at the memory and it surprised Blaine to see his face look so sad, nostalgic, and happy. He'd never heard Burt talk about Kurt's mother, and it struck him that this was the first he'd ever heard about her from him. "Seeing her again, having that time to grow and realize how stupid I'd been to her and all of those other girls… it changed me. Started me towards who I am now, and as much as that broken heart hurt, I'm grateful I made that mistake. We wouldn't be sitting here talking about this if it hadn't. You'd never of had Kurt to fall in love with and I wouldn't have known how great of a man I could be."

Throat tight, and eyes clouding with tears, Blaine watched Burt's expression, the subtle shifts in the lines of his face. It was almost like watching the growth Burt was talking about happen right in front of his eyes, taking Burt from the scared, reckless teenager he'd been through the transformation into the caring, incredible father and person that Blaine respected more than anyone else.

Burt turned to him suddenly, taking him by the shoulders and leaning down until he was looking directly into Blaine's eyes.

"I hate that it had to come to this with you two, but this is your time, and Kurt's," Burt said, looking more serious than Blaine had ever seen him. "This is when you find out how great of a person you are inside and out, Blaine. You've got to find yourself before you and Kurt figure out if you're going to work outside of high school. I don't know if this will lead you back to each other like it did with me and Elizabeth, but I want what's best for my son and for you. For now that means you have to find it within yourself to love who you are, faults, insecurities, mistakes, and all. You have to accept and forgive yourself before you can start to let his love back in."

Blaine stared into Burt's eyes, light and sad, but full of a love Blaine hadn't known existed for him. He'd always known Burt had liked him, but realizing how much the older man cared for him was overwhelming after their conversation. Burt wanted him to do just what he'd already started trying to do. He just didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive the worst of it. His fears, insecurities, and dependency were one thing, but forgiving himself for breaking Kurt's heart and trust and letting himself be with another seemed so impossible from his vantage point.

"I'm trying," Blaine assured Burt, swallowing thickly and trying to keep his tears from falling. "I just– I don't know i- if I can forgive myself for the worst, e- especially if Kurt can't– "

"You will," Burt soothed, squeezing his shoulders tightly as he stood up. "If I can do it, then I know you can, too."

Blaine nodded shakily as Burt helped him to his feet. Everything about this day felt entirely too surreal. The first instinct he had, of course, was to call Kurt and relay the bond between himself and Burt to him, but he couldn't do that. He shouldn't want to do that right now. Burt was right. Romantic relations weren't what they needed to attempt or focus on right now. There were more important things for them to work on and figure out together, but until Kurt called, he would have to focus on himself.

"You're the greatest dad I've ever met," Blaine told him, hating the wistful tone his voice took as he spoke.

Burt frowned slightly at his words, but made no comment on what was being implied. Blaine had never revealed much to Kurt's father about his own, but Burt knew enough to realize their relationship was rocky at best.

"You sound like Ku– "

From inside his jacket pocket, Blaine's phone began to ring, a song he hadn't heard since that night on the stage two weeks ago. His heart leapt into his throat, feeling sorer, but slightly fuller than it had half an hour ago. This was it. The moment he'd been dreading and hoping would come. Kurt was calling him, and what happened now meant either a new beginning or the end of the best two years of Blaine's life. This might be goodbye forever.

Somehow Burt seemed to realize who the call was from, either from the expression on Blaine's face or the way he scrambled to dig his phone out and answer it.

"H- hello?" Blaine breathed, voice still choked and breathing rattling slightly from his crying and the cold November air.

There was a drawn out pause and Blaine almost thought Kurt had hung up and changed his mind about contacting him. Then a shaky breath came through the other end.

"It's– hi," Kurt whispered, sounding overwhelmed and upset.

Blaine's chest tightened at the sound, knowing without a doubt that he was the cause. He'd been the cause of Kurt's worst heartache and neither of them seemed to know a way to mend that yet. If there was a yet, maybe this was goodbye. His chest constricted further, until the air was gone from his lungs and he felt shriveled and small. Kurt had promised to never say goodbye to him, but maybe he was going to break that promise just like Blaine had broken his.

"Happy Thanksgiving," Blaine found himself saying, grasping at easy topics until Kurt said whatever it was he'd called to say.

Kurt gave a watery chuckle and Blaine's heart leapt at the sound. He didn't sound annoyed or angry, just emotional. And what that would end up meaning for Blaine was scary. Everything he'd wanted for the rest of his life was hanging in the air over his head, ready to float gently into his arms or crash down and crush him under its weight.

"It's so good to hear your voice," Kurt breathed, sniffling. There was the sound of shuffling on his end and Blaine it his lip to control his smile. There was hope. There had to be.

"I– I've missed you," Blaine confessed, blinking away the tears reforming in his eyes. "So much and– "

"Blaine, please– I can't– "

Blaine ground to a halt, the rest of his confession left on the tip of his tongue, too large to be swallowed, but too small to slip out of the corner of his mouth. He waited anxiously, heart pounding and body trembling for Kurt's next words to fall – for the world he'd found safety and love in to crash down.

"Rachel a- and I are coming home tomorrow," Kurt told him, sounding slightly stronger, like he'd practiced what he was saying. "I– after all of the shopping, because there's this really fantastic sale and– "

"Uh… "

Kurt stopped, and even across state lines Blaine could feel the heat of his blush.

"Sorry, habit. Can you meet me at the mall, maybe? We… we need to talk," Kurt said. "A lot."

Blaine nodded quickly, and then realizing Kurt couldn't see him, added, "Yes, of course. Absolutely. Um, where?"

"Those massage chairs we u- used to… "

The way Kurt trailed off, his voice catching and dropping made Blaine's guilt surge through him. It was like lava slugging through his veins, thick, burning, and consuming. He deserved it, he knew, but he wished more than anything that the feeling would end or not be so fierce all the time.

"Okay," Blaine whispered. "Is three o'clock good for you?"

"Yeah, that's perfect," Kurt agreed. He took a deep breath on the other end of the phone, obviously trying to calm his churning emotions. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Blaine said. "Tomorrow. I'll… thank you. For at least being willing to talk to me."

"Goodnight, Blaine," Kurt said quickly, not acknowledging Blaine's words beyond a sharp intake of breath and then the click of him ending the call.

For several seconds Blaine kept the phone against his ear, trying to will his heart to stop pounding so furiously as Burt cleared his throat.

"Good news, by the sounds of that," Burt deduced, tugging the shelter's door open. A little chime dinged above the door as he ushered Blaine inside.

With a jerky nod, Blaine finally pulled his phone away from his ear and started at the screen where Kurt's face was still flashing up at him. He hoped it was good news that Kurt wanted to talk. Maybe they'd finally get everything out in the open about what happened after the long distance had started and begin to tentatively reestablish something. Blaine couldn't see them jumping right back into their relationship as it had been, and if he was honest, he didn't want to.

"We're meeting tomorrow to talk about… everything, I guess," Blaine informed him as Sam hollered over at them.

"Come on, guys! Everything's nearly ready!"

Burt chuckled and hung his jacket up by the door. Blaine did the same, heart somehow lighter despite the way it was twisting uncomfortably in his chest. So many things could happen tomorrow and they'd both end up saying things they'd regret. He knew that would happen; there was no way around it after this.

"Well, if everything gets back onto a good track, just let me know," Burt told him. "I'm sure I'll hear it from Kurt, but… I've got an extra ticket to visit him at Christmas. It's yours if he's ready to begin moving forward."

Blaine was surprised by the preemptive offer, but nodded again. Right now he couldn't even imagine spending an hour in the same room as Kurt without it causing them both pain. But Christmas… what if Kurt never wanted to see him again? What if whatever happened between them tomorrow ended their rocky friendship and love for good?

Yet Burt seemed sure of his offer, judging by the small smile that accompanied it. He'd been through this before, maybe he realized something about it that Blaine was missing. Perhaps he and Burt would be sitting around at Christmas a decade from now, laughing about this and at how naive and foolish Blaine had been. They might even be doing so while watching Kurt open presents with their own son…

With a jolt, Blaine ran head long into Sam, who yelped as the pie in his hands slipped from his grasp and hit the floor.

"Sorry! Crap, Sam, I– "

"I'm guessing Kurt called you," Sam interrupted, kicking the pie off of his shoes and groaning at the pumpkin mush covering his sneakers. "You're looking more lovesick than you have in weeks."

"I'm not– "

"You are," Sam argued immediately, grabbing a towel from the counter next to him and starting to wipe his shoes off. "So are you two, like, cool and friends now or– "

"I don't know," Blaine said honestly. "He's in town this weekend. We're meeting tomorrow to talk… "

"Sweet!" Sam beamed, punching Blaine in the shoulder fondly. "I'm glad. I" – Sam glanced hesitantly at Burt – "I really hope this all works out between you two," he continued earnestly. "You're still one of the best guys I know, and one mistake doesn't change that to me, and I think with time, Kurt will realize it, too."

Blaine frowned slightly at his words. He couldn't stand the thought of getting his hopes up about it. Most people he knew would never go back to someone who had cheated on them, and he didn't blame them. There was so much to work through, so much heartache to suffer, and usually the love wasn't worth it to them. He hated that he was still doubting Kurt, but he'd been doubting this very thing since Kurt had buried himself in New York – he'd stopped thinking Kurt's love was enough, because Kurt had stopped showing his love. Maybe Kurt's love wasn't strong enough to try them once more someday, months or years from now. This could all just be a high school sweethearts romance to him, and as much as that would kill Blaine, he'd learn to accept it if it meant still having Kurt as a friend and in his life.

Kurt paced anxiously in front of the massage chairs in the Lima Mall. It was surreal being back in this spot, so bizarre to find that time had still carried on in this place without his presence. Changes had happened all around him here. There were two new chairs, one with some special new function, a new ice cream shop between McDonalds and the China King restaurant; even the walls had changed color. Nothing felt familiar or like home here anymore and it made his chest ache in regret and longing, and at the same time made his heart yearn for the crowded streets of New York.

"Would you stop?" Rachel finally snapped as Kurt bounced past her for the twenty-fourth time. "It's still ten minutes to three– "

"Blaine's always early," he countered sharply, his entire body tense as his ex-boyfriend's name brushed over his lips.

There were so many doubts and fears circling in his mind right now. He'd already decided to walk with Blaine outside to the backside of the mall so that they would have privacy once things got heated, because he knew that they would. There was no way around it once they began really discussing what had happened and everything they'd both left unsaid since September. A little burst of anger rushed through him, though whether it was directed at Blaine or himself, he didn't know. So many things had gone wrong between them and they'd left them unspoken, despite the riff it was causing. Kurt couldn't help but think it would always remain that way and he'd never have his best friend back, even though part of him wasn't sure he wanted Blaine in his life anymore.

"That doesn't mean– " but Rachel stopped talking, staring through the Black Friday crowd at the dome of shiny black hair bobbing through the mass of people. "He's here," Rachel hissed, hopping to her feet and attempting to mess with Kurt's collar and hair. "Now just let me fix– "

"Don't you dare, Rachel Berry– "

"H- hi, guys," Blaine's soft, unsure voice said from directly behind them.

The sound of it so close made Kurt tense and freeze. His skin ached to be in contact with Blaine's, to fall into the other man's arms and just forget everything and go back to how things were, but they couldn't. Rachel's eyes, wide and nervous, stared over Kurt's shoulder as he turned around and found himself facing Blaine for the first time since October. Almost two months without looking at his beautiful face or staring into those heartbroken hazel eyes. Even at a glance Kurt could see a visible difference in how Blaine was carrying himself, though he couldn't place name on it.

"Hi," Kurt breathed, not knowing what else to say, only that he felt like he was splitting in two.

Blaine's eyes were locked onto his face and, for the first time in his memory, it made Kurt unbearably uncomfortable. Had Blaine looked at that other guy with that expression? The one that told Kurt he was everything and forever to Blaine? He squeezed his eyes shut and willed his tears to stay tucked behind his eyes.

"I'm going to go look at some ties for my dads for Chanukah," Rachel said promptly. She squeezed Kurt's hand once, gave Blaine a brief hug and a "It's good to see you" before she skipped off through the crowd.

"Do you want to, um, go somewhere quieter?" Blaine asked, his voice gruff as he scratched the back of his neck.

He was nervous, too, then. Kurt recognized that gesture as one Blaine did when he was feeling awkward, especially in the presence of his brother during those first few days when he'd come to visit last semester. Knowing he wasn't the only one of them scared about what this conversation could lead to made him feel more at ease.

"Yeah, there's… out behind the mall," Kurt informed him, and Blaine's face turned crimson. With a jolt, Kurt realized why.

Not long after they'd begun dating and he'd gone back to McKinley, they'd always met up at the mall, and on several particular afternoons, when either the Warblers or New Directions wouldn't leave them alone for a while, they'd snuck out back and… Well, Kurt had spend quite a bit of time pressed up against the wall back there during those exciting make outs. So had Blaine, for that matter.

"Or we could just, um," Kurt bit his lip, not knowing where else to go. He hadn't even thought about that when he'd pegged the spot as quiet and empty, though in hindsight he should have realized it, should have remembered those afternoons and the worried text messages that had interrupted them when they hadn't returned from the "bathroom". Since he'd left and been without Blaine, he'd put so much of that on hold and the pain of missing Blaine had been easier to bury and ignore. Only he'd buried so much of the other boy, he'd left him behind, and for a heart-wrenching moment Kurt had to wonder if he hadn't, if he'd allowed himself to feel all of it as acutely as Blaine must have, if he would have crumbled to the same temptation as his ex-boyfriend.

"No, it's fine," Blaine assured him, biting his lip as well. "It's… Open and honest is what we need to be right now."

"Right," Kurt agreed and he led the way out of the food court and down past the H&M outlet by the restrooms.

The walk down the hallway towards the bathrooms seemed to go on forever and it brought back a flood of memories Kurt had been keeping at bay for months. The giddy rush in his belly, the swoop as Blaine's hand had clasped his, and their feet had moved faster in their excitement to reach the back door and–

Blaine pushed the old door open, holding it until Kurt passes through quickly, trying not to brush against Blaine and cause more pain to well up in his throat. God, he didn't want to yell or fight, he didn't want to hate Blaine or what they were or this situation. He couldn't see any other option for it right now, and when the door closed with a soft whoosh behind Blaine, Kurt found himself spinning around sharply, jaw set and eyes already watering.

"Why?" he demanded instantly. "Why would you– how could you do this to me? To us, Blaine."

His voice was trembling, wavering and almost wailing by the end of his words. Blaine swallowed visibly and looked for a moment like he was going to bow his head in shame. He surprised Kurt, though, and held his gaze, steady and strong, despite the turmoil turning in his bright eyes.
"I thought I was ready for something and I wasn't," Blaine said simply, honestly. "I thought I was losing you and– " Blaine shook his head, tears beginning to cloud his eyes as Kurt watched with bated breath. "You were just gone, Kurt. It's no excuse, but, god, reminders of you are everywhere here and I couldn't even talk to you because you were never available."

"That's not true– " Kurt began to deny, flinching at the lie he knew he was stating. If he'd wanted to make himself more available, he could have, even if it had been difficult. They could have emailed messages or recorded messages when things got too hectic, but Kurt hadn't suggested it because then he would have had to acknowledge the way the distance made him ache, the canyon it had so easily dug between them. He would have had to accept that Blaine really wasn't there and that his boyfriend had been carving out his own life without him, just as he was in New York.

"Don't," Blaine snapped, and now he was crying. "I– you don't know how much that hurt. Calling your phone and being ignored. Leaving messages, texts, being told by you that you would call me later when you had a minute and then waiting all night for those calls and never getting them. You didn't just leave Ohio," Blaine said brokenly. "You left in here." He thumped his fist over his chest – over his heart – and bowed his head, looking destroyed at the very thought. "I know you were busy. I know you were so excited and happy with everything you were accomplishing in New York, and I was and still am happy for you, but I just wanted a few seconds of feeling like you still cared about us, about me, left behind in Lima. It took that for me to realize that everything I'd been doing, I'd done for you. Going to your junior prom, transferring, running for Senior Class President, leading New Directions. All of that was for you, and you didn't care about anything in my life anymore– "

"That's not true," Kurt repeated quietly, eyes downcast and this time he meant it. He'd known somewhere in the back of his mind that his silences had hurt Blaine. That constantly changing the few conversations they'd had into discussions of New York wasn't right, but he was allowed to be excited about his new life. Maybe he'd taken that too far though, maybe the thought of Lima and Blaine alone had hurt him too much, and so he'd chosen to not think or talk about it even with the boy most affected by it. And acknowledging that meant realizing that maybe long distance wasn't for them, that his heart wasn't wrong about Blaine cheating. There had been a cause, even if there was never a justifiable excuse for it, and that cause had in part been his doing. "I still cared about you, Blaine. I still do, and then you– you went a- and did whatever with another guy– "

"It wasn't– I didn't care– "

"You cheated on me! You took all of my love and trust and just tossed it aside!" Kurt yelled, his voice hoarse and cracking, tears were in his eyes now. "How– I just don't know how you could actually do that and not b- be drunk or drugged or– "

Kurt paused, waiting, almost hoping that Blaine would admit to being drunk when it had happened, but he didn't. Swallowing thickly, Kurt drew in a shaky breath as his last desperate hope of Blaine not being fully reasonable during that encounter washed away. He wrapped his arms around his chest and stared back towards the door. He wanted to rush back through it, to shut these memories out and sink back into the blissful ones that had once filled this spot. He didn't know how to move past this, or if he wanted details or to never see Blaine again in his life.

"H- his name was Eli," Blaine said suddenly.

A sharp intake of breath rattled through Kurt. It took several moments to process the name, and once he did, he was relieved to realize it had no value. He wasn't a Warbler, an acquaintance or friend of any sort. The name held absolutely no meaning to Kurt, and that somehow made it easier to process and accept. It really had just been a random, spur of the moment hook-up.

"Did you two– did he– "

"It… he messaged me on Facebook. The same day he friended me," Blaine confessed. "No long conversations or anything, just two short messages, wanting me to come over and… I did. I was hurting, I'd been trying to call you all afternoon to talk me out of doing something stupid and… I didn't think you loved me anymore." He paused, wrapping his own arms around himself. "That was the day you called me from work. You hung up right when I was telling you that I loved you, after I tried to tell you how miserable I was… I guess I didn't word it well, I don't know."

Kurt shook his head as his mind rewound to that day. He'd been manning Isabelle's phone, had taken the time to call Blaine, and had promptly hung up for gossip. It had been work related to a degree, but Isabelle tended to brush the majority of any gossip aside in favor of focusing more directly on their various accounts and projects. A twisted mass of guilt plunged into his stomach. He'd been at work, yes, but gossip could have waited for a few more seconds just to reassure Blaine of his love. His mind started to create a plethora of "what if" moments, but he shut that down quickly. Neither of them could change what had happened, what they'd contributed to their rocky relationship and then Blaine's choice to cheat. The only decision left was whether or not they were worth rebuilding, whether or not their love was strong enough to survive the worst they were capable of.

Trying to block everything in Lima out had made him isolate Blaine even further than he already was. He'd known he was the only one Blaine really felt comfortable talking to about how he was feeling, and the one who, above anyone else, should have recognized the ache and agony in Blaine's voice that day.

"I– I should have known what you meant. I know how hard it is for you to admit and articulate how you're feeling and I… I was so lost in my new life and so- so disconnected, I didn't even stop to realize what you meant."

"It's no excuse for what I did," Blaine reminded him. "I gave up and doubted your love. I let my insecurities make me think my love wasn't enough for you. Everything hurt so much and there was nobody. I wasn't just lonely, Kurt, I was alone. For five seconds, I just wanted someone to hold me, and maybe then everything would hurt a little less… It just made it worse. He was all over me and I… I just let it happen. I wanted to feel good in some way and I thought that was it. It wasn't, it just made me sick."

"Good," Kurt said, and he didn't regret it. That was exactly how Blaine should have felt after he'd betrayed his trust. Now it was his turn to say his part. "I don't know if I can forgive you for this. Ever. Every time I think about you or see pictures, I feel like my heart's being ripped out all over again. I keep imagining some guy's hands all over you, touching you in places I'm only allowed to touch, and kissing you and- and I– I can't stop loving you and I almost hate you for that, but I don't. You've meant too much to me for me to ever hate you, but I don't trust you anymore and I think you know that."

"I do, Kurt, I'm so sorry."

"So am I," Kurt admitted. "I'm sorry I wasn't a better boyfriend when I left. I'm sorry we still can't communicate how we need to and– "

"No, that's not your fault. Not entirely," Blaine insisted, his hand untucking from his armpit and beginning to reach towards Kurt, but stopping when he realized he couldn't hold his hand anymore. "We weren't ready for long distance, no matter how strong our love is. And I owe you so many apologies, no matter how meaningless words feel compared to what I've done. There's no excuse for my actions, there never will be," Blaine said simply, looking up and meeting Kurt's eyes earnestly despite how dejected he appeared. "I'm sorry for how much I've hurt you. I wish I could take it back, but I can't."

Blaine shook his head, finally unfolding his arms as he shrugged helplessly and sat down on the little brick ledge next to the exit. But his eyes remained focused on Kurt, and as much as it hurt to have Blaine this close, to feel all of this after attempting to bury it with everything else for months, Kurt needed to hear it. He needed to see the agony in Blaine's eyes, the regretting welling up out of the other man and bubbling up to tangle with his own.

"If you never forgive me or even talk to me after today, I'll understand," Blaine continued hoarsely, as though he was trying his best to hold back his sobs and heartache.

It was in that moment that Kurt realized that his heart wasn't the only one Blaine had broken that day. It was a comfort for him to know that, to realize that even then – even now – he still meant the world to Blaine.

"I've done the absolute worst thing I could possibly do to you. I broke your heart and your trust and I don't deserve to have either back," Blaine stated, his voice shaking, but still strong despite the tears pooling in his eyes. "I won't ask you to give me either or try to force you to listen like I have been. That was wrong, and I'm sorry for that, and for daring to blame you for my own actions when I first told you. And I– Kurt, I'm trying so hard to do everything I can to make this right, to find a way to not hate myself and I don't want you carrying any of this around either. I hate that my own thoughtless, selfish action ends with me losing you forever and you always remembering this as the end of your first love. I never meant for any of this to happen and I just… I don't know how to make anything feel all right for you or myself anymore."

They were both silent for several minutes, letting their conversation sink into the air around them. Kurt's chest felt a little looser than it had an hour ago, more stable, but still damaged. Blaine's words had helped, more than he'd imagined, and seeing Blaine say them made everything a little more understandable to him.
Kurt sniffed and dug a packet of tissues out of his coat pocket, wiping his nose and eyes. Blaine coughed and shivered across from him, standing up and looking terrified of whatever judgment Kurt was about to bring down on him. And for the first time, Kurt doubted what they'd had, what Blaine still meant to him. Despite knowing more he still didn't know how to forgive and move on, he didn't understand the lure of a stranger's arms in the hopes of comfort or why he hadn't cottoned on to the fact that Blaine's entire existent had somehow become defined by him. More than anything, though, he missed his best friend, the bright eyed, hopeful boy he'd always been able to be honest with.

"I miss you," Kurt said, reiterating what he'd said last night. "I miss my best friend, and I think that's part of why we fell apart. We stopped talking and being best friends. I want that back."

"Me, too," Blaine agreed quietly, raising his arm to drag his sleeve under his nose, but–

"No, don't," Kurt snapped, sounding slightly scolding as he knocked Blaine's arm away from his face. It was the first contact they'd had since October, and despite the layers of clothing blocking Blaine's skin from his fingertips, he could still feel the heat of Blaine. It made his stomach curl up pleasantly despite his angry feelings. He offered Blaine his packet of tissues. "Don't get snot all over your jacket, Blaine, honestly."

Blaine laughed lightly, ending on a hiccup, but took one of the tissues. "Thank you," he said quietly.

"I should get going," Kurt decided. "Rachel still needs to surprise her dads and– " Kurt paused, remembering for an instant one of the things he'd wanted to say to Blaine, but not knowing how to. "I– well, um– I have a date Monday night," he finally blurted out, his voice high and babbly as Blaine stiffened across from him.

"I– that's… good," Blaine decided, his voice toneless and his eyes distant. "You deserve to be happy, Kurt," Blaine said after another moment, and this time his voice was full of an honest warmth that made Kurt certain Blaine meant it.

"I… I'll be in touch?"

"Oh, um, yeah. All right," Blaine said, his voice attempting to be strong and bright, but Kurt realized he was still anything but fine, maybe even more so than he was. Kurt finally understood why that was, though. It had to be shattering not only to lose the person you were in love with, but to also realize how little of yourself you knew. There was still a lot of growing up Blaine had to do now that he was finding himself, and Kurt had a lot of pieces of himself to pick up from the destructive blow Blaine had brought, but he would be all right. His life was still moving forward, and Blaine was tentatively a part of that. He still had that anchor despite everything else.