It wasn't until after Halloween when Blaine finally found the nerve to talk to Sam again. The rest of the club was gearing up for the school musical in a few weeks, but Blaine couldn't really focus on it. He had one song to sing as Teen Angel and, with his heart not in it, he couldn't figure out how to care about it. For the sake of the others, he gave his best effort when they rehearsed his scene, but otherwise he continued to keep to himself.

But Sam wasn't talking to him now either and that hurt Blaine all over again. Not as deeply as Kurt's silence, but enough to finally make him do something after dance rehearsal one afternoon early in November.

The other guys were still back in the auditorium, goofing around, but Blaine had followed Sam at a distance until they'd reached the locker room; for whatever reason they always seemed to meet up there nowadays.

Blaine still didn't say anything as they stripped down at their own lockers and stepped into the showers. He picked the shower a stall away from Sam, but close enough to talk when he finally found his voice. It certainly wasn't the wisest or best place to have a conversation, but he missed joking around with Sam during the day. Now he really had nobody to talk to, even on a surface level. There were only his own depressing thoughts to keep him company, and despite thinking he didn't deserve to have any comfort, he still longed to have the one guy around who seemed to want to be his friend.

"S- Sam?"

On the other side of the empty stall between them Sam paused in his washing, cupping the bar of soap in his hands.

"I know you know guys don't generally talk in here," Sam mumbled awkwardly. "Kurt didn't seem to get that, but I know you do, so… "

Blaine cleared his throat and tilted his head under the hot spray of water, letting it run over his back and loosen the gel holding his unmanageable, embarrassing frizzy curls in place.

"I know. Just– " He hesitated to say anything, because this was awkward. If anyone else had been in here, even one of the Glee Club guys, Blaine would have kept his mouth shut and found Sam at another time. But he knew Sam was cool with him, knew the other boy wanted to be friends the same way he did.

"Wolverine and Cyclops?" Sam asked suddenly, still not looking over at him.

"Best guys around," Blaine said softly.

They didn't say anymore after that. Not until they were out of the showers, dressed and in the hallway heading towards the student parking lot.

"I was a little harsh the other day," Sam apologized, rubbing the back of his neck and staring at the floor.

Blaine shook his head as they pushed the doors open. A rough blast of wind smacked him in the face, and for a moment Blaine desperately wished he had one of his scarves. Then he remembered he'd made Kurt take all of them to New York a few months ago. He briefly paused to wonder if he'd ever get them back, or if somehow he and Kurt would someday share one again.

"I needed it," Blaine told him gratefully. He didn't add that Sam's words had meant more to him than anything else had in weeks. Sam had said those things out of a place of caring, and to Blaine it felt like nobody had done that in months. He'd been brushed aside or talked at or over ever since Kurt had left, except with Sam. The other boy might not understand what was wrong, but he'd always greeted Blaine with a smile.

"I… I still don't know what's going on with you and Kurt, dude, but… if you ever need someone to talk to… " Sam trailed off, leaving their growing bond unspoken as they journeyed into the parking lot.

"Do you want a ride?" Blaine offered as they stopped at his car. "It's getting pretty cold out."

"Yeah, thanks," Sam agreed. "I really miss having Finn and… Kurt around so I don't have to walk."

"I can drive you," Blaine told him, trying to sound nonchalant as he unlocked the doors and settled into the driver's seat.

They didn't talk much during the drive to the Hummel-Hudson house. Blaine just pulled over and let Sam out instead of lingering. He didn't think Burt would want to see him, and Kurt's father certainly didn't need the added stress on his heart from an unexpected arrival by Blaine, the boy responsible for his son's broken heart.

Sam hopped out and shouldered his bag, pausing before he closed the door.

"Burt doesn't hate you," he said with such certainty that Blaine's neck cricked loudly as he jerked his head around. "He hasn't said anything, but I've heard him talking to Kurt on the phone a few times. Arguing, really, 'cause I don't think Kurt wants to talk about you, but Burt doesn't hate you for whatever you did. He's mad, but he still likes you."

The passenger side door closed softly and Blaine was left sitting there, watching Sam head inside. Before the door closed Blaine spotted Carole, a sad smile on her face as she caught sight of him.

He didn't deserve any of their sympathy or affection. They should hate him even more than Kurt did. Burt and Carole hadn't loved him as deeply as Kurt had. There was no reason they'd still like him, but…

Blaine trusted Sam's words. So far they hadn't led him wrong, even if he was still struggling to figure out how to like himself. It was only after he'd given himself a real reason to hate himself that he realized he'd never truly, completely liked who he was in the first place.

The Halloween party with Chase didn't pan out at all like Kurt had expected it. Kurt had made a point to inform Chase that they were going just as friends, but it was still awkward. They hadn't talked about it afterwards, but Kurt knew if he'd wanted a chance of another date he'd blown it.

Chase and he stayed friends, though, and were buddies at work, which helped Kurt distract himself from his thoughts. But by the middle of November, his distractions were wearing off and Blaine was cropped up in his thoughts more often than not.

Kurt heard from Finn regularly, mostly about the upcoming musical at McKinley and how he was coping with his substitute role as Glee club leader for the month. His step-brother never mentioned Blaine, or his role in the production, but Kurt assumed he had snatched the lead once more. The idea made a little anger simmer in the pit of Kurt's stomach, despite how proud he'd been of Blaine the previous year. He wished he had it as easy to pass as straight and masculine. Kurt was proud and happy with who he was, but he'd always been slightly jealous of Blaine in that regard. The fact that Blaine had probably outshone everyone a few weeks after breaking his heart only made him angrier.

When Kurt arrived home late on a Thursday evening in the middle of November, Rachel was on the phone, a huge grin on her face as she finished making something for dinner.

Kurt dropped his bag and boots off in his curtained off room and headed back out to see what was cooking.

"Vegan chicken pot pie!" Rachel hollered, still beaming, her phone now on the counter. "Smells awesome, right?"

Kurt took a whiff of the aroma and nodded, helping her gather two plates and dish out two portions for them. They each grabbed a drink from the refrigerator and then sat cross-legged at their little coffee/dining table.

"So, who was on the ph– oh, this is delicious," Kurt moaned, shoveling another forkful into his mouth. "Wow, this is the first vegan thing you've made that didn't make me want to gag."

Rachel mock-glared at him for his comment, but then broke out into a smile again. "Santana's thinking about trying a semester in New York in the winter."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, she's looking into NYU and a few others," Rachel continued excitedly, eating another forkful. "She said she loves being in college, but she'd rather have a few friends around and that she'd move in with us."

"But– where would her room be?" Kurt said in alarm, looking around the loft.

They'd sectioned off their own rooms in the back side, and left the front as their living room and kitchen area. There really wasn't anything else they could shift to add a third room as far as Kurt could tell.

"I– well, she could share my space," Rachel said uncertainly, looking around. "And if you and I flipped sides we could expand the one room out into the living room a bit and split it."

Kurt followed the lines Rachel was pointing out as he chewed, and thought over what she was saying.

"Actually, we could shift where our curtains are," Kurt said thoughtfully. "If they faced the door we could add a third room in the middle. Less privacy, though."

"Not like either of us have a reason for privacy right now," Rachel grumbled sullenly.

"I thought you and Brody were… yanno, dating or something," Kurt mentioned.

"We're… it's complicated," Rachel decided. She pursed her lips, looking defensive. "Have you called Blaine?"

Kurt's expression turned stony at her words. Since Halloween, he'd pushed that aside all thoughts of love and romance and the boy he'd left behind in Lima. Dwelling on Blaine wasn't going to help him move beyond this or accept it and so he stopped doing it. But Rachel's words nagged at his brain, because even now he felt like he still owed Blaine that closure and a real goodbye.

"I– "

His words were cut off by the buzz of his phone on the table. Before Kurt could pick it up, Rachel snatched it and the hopeful, mischievous smile on her face faded slightly.

"Who– "

"It's Tina," she told him, looking disappointed.

Surprised by her answer, Kurt took back his phone, opened the message, and read its contents.

"The musical starts this weekend," Kurt informed his roommate. "She wanted to know if she should save us two seats."

"Oh, yes! I need to see this!" Rachel said loudly, eyes gleaming with manic excitement. "I can help with their vocals, because I love Finn and all, but he's no vocal coach. Hopefully Blaine helped them with their singing. He's always been– "

But she stopped at the look on Kurt's face.

His chest had tightened as soon as Rachel had mentioned Blaine's name. Any prolonged discussion involving Blaine made him feel sick with regret and anger. Kurt loved the idea of going to support their friends with this year's musical, but the thought of being so close to Blaine made his stomach ache. It was easy to avoid thoughts of Blaine and things that reminded him of Kurt as long as he was in New York. There was very little here that was connected to Blaine, but in Lima…

Memories would pop up everywhere. Every inch of that town held some sort of connection to Blaine, and even worse, what would he do when Blaine inevitably tried to talk to him in person?

Ignoring several text messages a day was simple, easy. At this point Kurt didn't even think about it anymore. He hit ignore without a glance and continued on with his day. Part of him was furious about the action, because he realized it was a habit he had started long before Blaine's visit, but for now it eased the ache tangled up in his chest.

Being face to face, seeing the same painful tears and sorrows reflected back to him in Blaine's eyes, wasn't something he would be able to ignore. Not when he was still desperately in love and hating that he couldn't have that happiness in his life anymore.

"Kurt, we don't… if you don't think you can handle seeing him… "Rachel trailed off awkwardly, looking concerned.

Her words surprised Kurt quite a bit considering how adamant she'd been about him talking to Blaine since the middle of October. For a few moments, Kurt thought about everything; how he was feeling, how he felt a little stronger and surer. He'd just have to avoid being alone with Blaine at all costs; avoid eye contact and any conversation. If he didn't he'd say something awful in front of everyone, and despite Blaine's infidelity, he didn't want the wrath of New Directions and all of his friends crashing down on Blaine.

"No, I… we should go," Kurt decided finally, his voice soft and a little dull. "They need all the support they can get, and it'll be great to see Mike and Mercedes and Santana… "

Rachel's face slowly broken out into an enormous grin and before Kurt knew it she was bouncing and squealing in excitement as she dug her own phone out and called Tina.

Kurt and Rachel left early the next morning. The train ride was long, but enjoyable with each other's company. Kurt was simply glad that he'd already had Friday off. After finishing his work's most recent deadline early, and having several near all-nighters, Isabelle had granted her group a long weekend. Rachel had been surprisingly smart with her scheduling for a first semester student and had no classes on Fridays.

It was early evening when they rolled off the train with their suitcases and the first thing Kurt saw through the fading sunlight was the faded red baseball cap he'd given his father almost a decade ago. A heartwarming sensation coursed through Kurt as his father's beaming face came into view next. It had been a full two months since he'd felt so relieved and safe.

"Kurt!"

Before Rachel had even spun around, Kurt darted off at his father's call, his suitcase bumping and rattling behind him, feeling for just a few moments, like he was a small boy again, rushing to great his father at the shop when his mother had brought him for a visit.

"Dad!" Kurt shouted joyfully, flinging himself into his father's waiting arms as his suitcase toppled over beside them.

Burt huffed loudly at the collision, but squeezed him tightly. A few hot tears ran down Kurt's cheeks as they stayed like that, wrapped up together, warm and safe and finally sure of everything in the world for once. It was almost impossible to be mad at Blaine when he was back with his father like this – almost as if he could pretend it was still his senior year and he and Blaine were teetering on the cusp of a physical relationship beyond frantic make-outs and fumbling hump sessions.

"Hey, bud," Burt greeted, finally pulling back a few steps and holding him at arm's length. He gave a low whistle. "Look at you! God, you look so grown up already."

"Thanks," Kurt gushed, wiping his tears and smiling slightly.

Rachel's suitcase rattled up behind him and Burt stepped aside to give her a hug as well. He looked quite surprised at the changes to her wardrobe, and Kurt had to admit that if Burt had noticed then it was definitely a little drastic.

"God, you two are so grown up looking now… "Burt trailed off, looking a little melancholy. "Come on, your Dads and Carole are making a big fancy feast for us. Yes, it's healthy and good for my heart," Burt added as Kurt opened his mouth to protest.

Burt smiled pleasantly and hugged Kurt tightly again, his grip strong and firm. For a split second Kurt shut his eyes and breathed in, hoping for Blaine's scent to wash over him, but he was met with the strong smell of oil and tire rubber.

A sad, knowing smile was on Burt's face when they pulled away and followed Rachel to the car.

"It's okay to miss him," Burt said quietly.

"I don't– " Kurt began to vehemently deny, his throat tight and dry. He quickly deflated at the look Burt gave him, his shoulders slumping as Burt slid his suitcase into the trunk with Rachel's.

"It's okay to miss him, Kurt," Burt repeated until Kurt nodded shakily, and accepted a third hug. "It's okay to hurt and be furious and upset and feel however you're feeling right now, okay? Just, promise me, when the hurt eases and the anger isn't so hot, talk to him. He's a good guy, and as stupid as this was, I know in my gut it's more complicated than just sex."

"I– Dad– "

"You don't have to say anything, just remember that when you are ready to talk to him," Burt finished, squeezing his shoulder and then motioning for him to get in the car.

Kurt obeyed and hopped in, half dozing with his jumbled thoughts during the ride back into town. Dinner was fantastic despite his distractions and seeing Rachel and her Dads was quite entertaining after several months away. It struck Kurt hard how life in Lima had continued to carry on without him there to see it. His father's business was growing, Carole had been given a promotion, there was a new, very fashionable couch in the living room and a new sink in the bathroom upstairs. For some reason Kurt had thought that without him there to see the changes and the progression, that life would have held still in Lima until he returned, only to pick back up where it had cut off when he'd last departed.

But it hadn't. Blaine's life hadn't either, even if he'd tried to imagine it had, and that nothing was wrong between them. Not being there to see things change didn't stop them from happening.

After a rough night, Kurt was exhausted. He spent the day with Rachel and the other graduates, eating lunch at Breadstix and hanging out at the mall to catch up. It was great to see everyone, even if they had no idea about what had happened between him and Blaine.

They split early in the afternoon, those helping with the musical heading to McKinley to prepare for opening night and the others heading back to Kurt's for dinner and a few movies. Dinner ended up being pizza and more breadsticks, and by the time the hour arrived to leave, Kurt was filled with an unmistakable dread.

He'd have to see Blaine tonight, even if no words were exchanged between them. Blaine would be up on that stage, charming and smiling as he made the audience swoon with Beauty School Drop Out and Kurt would be out there, too, hoping his heart wouldn't surrender itself back into Blaine's clutches.

Overall, the musical was fantastic for its opening night in Kurt's opinion. Ryder and Marley still had a lot of progress to make in their acting and dancing, but they both did quite well. It surprised Kurt slightly to realize that Blaine hadn't been given the male lead. He couldn't imagine Blaine not auditioning for it, especially without Kurt there, but either he hadn't or he'd blown his audition. Still, when Blaine and Sugar appeared on stage with their blinding white couch Kurt tensed, teeth gritted and hand clutching Rachel's tightly.

"Look at how cute Sugar looks," Rachel commented in a whisper, rubbing his arm and trying her best to relax him.

But the music was starting, and Kurt's jaw was clamped shut tight as his lungs felt like they were shriveling in his chest. He could barely handle this. It felt like his insides were caving in on his heart. The last time Blaine had performed with Kurt there had been at Callbacks and it had been the most overemotional, heartbreaking performance Kurt could ever recall Blaine giving. And now he knew why and there was no going back to that, to how they were.

His teenage dream was over, that chapter was closed and tainted by an unexpected and painful ending. Nothing was going to bring back the carefree love from their high school days together.

After the musical ended Rachel forced Kurt to hang around to congratulate everyone, and Kurt was dreading when they finally caught up with Blaine. But Blaine didn't show up back stage. He wasn't in any of the dressing rooms either. Rachel was quite upset about it, and judging by the looks she kept shooting Kurt, he had an idea of why. She wanted to play mediator between them and solve all of this at once. That wasn't going to happen though. Kurt still didn't know if he wanted to rebuild and mend what had been ruined.

After an hour of hanging out and waiting to see if Blaine would appear, Rachel found Sam, who looked uncomfortable at the question.

"He probably left," Sam said awkwardly. "Seeing you," he nodded towards Kurt, "out in the audience really threw him. He was a wreck after his scene. Took me almost the rest of the play to get him to stop berating himself."

Kurt bit his lower lip, but said nothing at the look Rachel was giving him. So what if Blaine had freaked out? He should feel terrible, like a monster after what he'd done. Knowing Blaine had felt that horrible should fill Kurt with some sort of warm satisfaction, but it didn't. If anything, Kurt only felt emptier, carved out and depleted.

"You did great tonight," Kurt offered as Sam stood up from his make-up table and got ready to leave.

"Thanks," Sam said. "Blaine helped me a ton."

"I– I'm sure he did," Rachel agreed, glancing at Kurt's miserable expression. "It's been great seeing you!"

She and Sam exchanged a brief hug and Kurt found himself being squeezed tightly by Sam a moment later. The embrace was short, and then Kurt was alone with Rachel again.

"Please, I am begging you," Rachel pleaded, tears sparkling in her eyes. "Just call him, even if the only thing you say is that you hate him and it's over forever. Just say something instead of more nothing."

A swift kiss was pressed to his cheek and then Rachel was gone, racing to catch up to Sam like she knew something Kurt didn't. Kurt remained where he was backstage, watching the curtains to the stage fluttering slightly and remembering this time last year. He'd been in this same spot, watching Blaine through a part in the curtains as he practiced the dance move he'd messed up. Last year he'd thought his heart was going to fall out of his chest from the way it had ached, but now he knew it never would have. It had stayed lodged in place a year longer so that it could plunge itself repeatedly into a bucket of frigid water.

To Kurt's surprise, Blaine appeared across the stage, shoving through the curtains without noticing Kurt's presence through his small gap. Kurt said nothing, throat tight and eyes burning. The urge to stomp out to him, slap him a handful of times, and cry was almost overwhelming. Then he could fall into Blaine's arms and be sure that he' d be put back together again, stronger and braver than before. But he couldn't do that, not when someone else had enjoyed the warmth of Blaine's embrace.

From a distance Kurt watched Blaine pace across the stage, hair standing on end, eyes rimmed red and marked by dark, heavy bags like he hadn't slept in several weeks. Kurt imagined he probably hadn't. He knew Blaine's heart and his soul, better than Blaine himself in most ways – now that he was thinking it, maybe that was the problem – and he knew the guilt from his actions would gnaw at every piece of Blaine until there was no part of him left. It hurt Kurt even more to see Blaine so devastated by his own actions and, despite his own anger, Kurt couldn't hate him in that moment. He desperately wanted to forgive Blaine for everything, but he didn't know how, if he should, or even if he could.

Instead he watched for a few minutes longer as Blaine started to work on a move just like last year. He was always so hard on himself, so desperate to be perfect in the hopes that it would make everyone love him. Kurt wished he wouldn't. He'd always loved Blaine as much at his worst as his best.

A swear and thump jolted Kurt from his thoughts and he saw Blaine had fallen over after missing a step, flat on his back. His fists slammed down into the wood angrily, and his head followed.

"Fuck, you're such an idiot, Blaine," Kurt heard the other boy remark furiously, his voice somehow sounding weak despite his anger.

Kurt watched as Blaine rolled onto his side, facing away from him and curled in on himself. It took every angry bit of Kurt not to march out there and comfort the boy he still loved. He couldn't anymore. Blaine wasn't just his. This boy had broken his heart and let himself be someone else's, and despite his reasons for doing so, Kurt couldn't acknowledge those yet.

Still, his phone was in his hand a few seconds later as Blaine's furious words to himself dissolved into tears and heart-wrenching sobs. Across the stage, Kurt heard Blaine's phone begin to ring as he pressed his own to his ear.

Blaine scrambled to dig the device out of his pocket when "Teenage Dream" filled the auditorium, and Kurt's chest tore open at the sight and the song filling his head. It felt so wrong now, so tainted and no longer theirs.

"H- hello?" Blaine's voice came through the phone as Kurt watched him drag his sleeve under his nose. A shaky breath rattled in Kurt's ear before he spoke. It felt odd to him to finally be calling when he could just as easily take ten steps and see Blaine face to face.

"I don't hate you," Kurt whispered.

"Y- you– Kurt, I– "

"Don't," Kurt breathed, wiping his own eyes as Blaine sat up some and pulled his knees to his chest. "I can't, not now."

Kurt didn't know why he was saying it, not after all of the nights he'd imagined saying the absolutely worst things to Blaine when he did finally call. None of his anger actually made in through, though. That would have to be in person, with fury and tears and apologies. Or maybe never at all. He didn't know anything beyond how much he hated the pain slicing between them and through each of them. Seeing Blaine so destroyed was just as gut-wrenching as feeling his own pain, and he almost managed to hate that – hate that Blaine was so much a part of him that he felt Blaine's raw emotions as powerfully as his own.

"Kurt, p- please, I'm– "

"Don't call me again. W- we… we aren't boyfriends right now," Kurt said firmly, surprised by how strong his voice sounded with the command. "Just… when I'm ready to talk, I'll call you."

"I– o- okay," Blaine choked out, and even if Kurt hadn't been staring out at him on the stage he would have felt the way Blaine shattered at his words – the same way his own heart had splintered at Blaine's words in Battery Park.

"You were great tonight," Kurt added instinctively. "No flubbed moves or anything. Don't beat yourself up over that."

"Wh– Kurt, are you– "

He hung up quickly as Blaine started twisting around on stage, squinting out past the lights towards the audience to see if he could spot Kurt. Before Blaine spun around to look back stage Kurt was gone, rushing out with damp cheeks and a chest swelling with words he still didn't know how to say or understand.

Time was what Kurt still needed. Whether that meant moving on and forward and figuring out a way back to how their love had been, Kurt wasn't sure. The only certainty he had was that he couldn't linger with this any longer. He'd made the call and if Blaine respected his words and let him be free to internalize and focus on himself, then maybe Blaine would do the same. When they finally came back together, they might talk and cry as two matured men instead of the heartsick boys they still stumbled back into.

It took all of Blaine's self-control to respect Kurt's wishes after that evening. The unexpected phone call had thrown Blaine completely off-balance and the next two performances as Teen Angel were much less suave. Artie and Finn said little about the flubs and changes, knowing that Kurt's presence had messed with his head in ways they didn't grasp.

He hadn't been expecting any of what had happened on opening night. Not the visit, or the phone call, or the words that had cut through him and still given him something to cling to for someday; whenever that someday was and even if it was only a friendship.

The rest of their opening weekend went better, especially Sunday for Blaine. It took those first twenty-four hours of running over Kurt's words, analyzing, re-analyzing, and overanalyzing until he finally accepted Kurt's need to define their space and distance. The problem for Blaine was that only left him with his own torment and depressed thoughts. It was hard to be a charming Teen Angel on stage without feeling like he had to completely erase himself. Finding out that he couldn't do so after becoming so good at doing the same thing when he'd transferred to Dalton a few years ago was frightening. There was no hiding the open wound on his chest, still raw and full of exposed nerves he sliced open. With Kurt's love and acceptance, he'd begun to unbury the past he'd wanted to forget, and while a ton had still gone unsaid, he couldn't force it back into its tomb anymore without risking the loss of himself.

After the midday performance on Sunday, Blaine lumbered down to the locker room for a shower, not surprised to find Sam following along in his wake, still clad in his leather jacket, tight, torn jeans, and slick greaser hair.

"That was the best yet, I think," Sam greeted, face flushed with success as they pushed through the locker room door and turned down the middle aisle.

"Yeah, it was… everyone's really doing great on their vocals," Blaine responded, trying to sound cheerful. "Ryder especially; he was a good choice."

"A good second choice," Sam reminded him, nudging Blaine playfully. "Not that you should have taken it, but… "

"I can't– "

"– handle it right now, I know," Sam finished sadly. "You would have been awesome if things had been different," he decided, before adding, "even if you're a little short for Danny."

"Hey! I am average – "

"Maybe in the Philippines," Sam laughed.

"You're just all giants," Blaine complained, tugging his shirt over his head and exchanging it and his shoes for his towel and shower supplies.

"No way, man," Sam argued. "Even Coach Beiste is taller than you."

"She's huge," Blaine laughed. "Like, her and Coach Sylvester are the tallest women I've ever met. They're taller than you, too."

Sam paused after that, closing his locker and draping his towel around his neck. "It's about time you laughed again," he commented, moving past Blaine and into the shower stalls.

The words were almost like a physical blow. They hurt to hear and realize the truth they were weighted with. He hadn't laughed since… the Senior President elections, and not really laughed since that last night spent with Kurt. Why had one change, one monumentally good change for his… for Kurt, hollowed him out so completely?

Blaine followed Sam into the empty shower stalls, passing by the vacant one and leaving it as a buffer between them. He knew Sam wouldn't have cared at this point whether or not they showered in stalls next to each other, but at the same time Blaine was entirely aware of etiquette in the locker room and how it would look to anyone who came in while they were showering.

They were silent as they stripped off their pants and boxers and began showering in their separate stalls. For Blaine, it was a relief to have the steaming water running over his back and soothing some of the tension from his muscles.

That was part of the reason his performances hadn't been on par with opening night and especially his role as Tony last year. He was too tense in his movements, his mind falling partially into step as Teen Angel for the short time, but his body unable to loosen for even a moment. Nothing flowed like it should and he wasn't light on his feet. He was stiff and unfocused and entirely thankful he hadn't been the lead this year. Seeing Kurt out in the audience for the entire play and having to pretend like nothing was wrong would have been impossible. Danny having a breakdown midway through Greased Lightning would have been a travesty.

Through the hiss of steam and the thunder of water, Blaine heard Sam's voice, indistinct and muffled.

"Sorry, what?" he spluttered, yanking his head from under the shower head and blinking the water out of his eyes.

"Kurt's your Eden, dude," Sam said in awe.

Blaine glanced over despite himself, and saw Sam, large mouth wide open and now slowly overflowing with water as he stared at the tiled wall beyond the spray.

"Come again?"

Blaine quirked an eyebrow as Sam turned his gaze towards him, looking certain and impressed with himself.

"Kurt's your Eden, like, garden of Eden," Sam elaborated. "You do know what that– "

"Yeah, I know," Blaine cut in, completely puzzled by Sam's words. Kurt wasn't a garden or a trouble free sanctuary. "What are you– "

"He's your sanctuary," Sam told him with certainty. "Like, no, hear me out, okay?"

Blaine nodded hesitantly and began lathering shampoo between his hands while Sam talked.

"Okay, so you probably always thought of Dalton as your safety place, right?" Sam asked. He didn't wait for a nod, but continued on as Blaine started to massage shampoo into his gelled hair. "But it wasn't, man. You had to be their leader and all of that instead of being you. So then you met Kurt, and he's your Eden. He's where you were safe and happy, but then you had to fall, 'cause that's how the story works. And it's good to fall and get kicked out of the garden," Sam said thoughtfully, "because you weren't making your own decisions while you were in there and you were carefree and you weren't changing or growing. You just stayed the same, or that's how you've been since I met you, at least."

Sam turned to him now and looked him right in the eye. "You've only and always been Kurt's Blaine. Kurt's boyfriend. You've never just been Blaine until he left for New York."

"I– That's– "

Blaine trailed off as Sam continued to form his analogy, and the more he listened the more it struck him how accurate it was.

"So you finally did whatever it was you did and you fell, dude. That was your apple," Sam told him. "So now you can change and grow and die and suffer until you reach eternity."

Blaine's shoulders sagged at that. He'd been hoping for some heart-warming, pleasant conclusion to Sam's theory, but that just made him feel worse.

"I think your eternity is Kurt," Sam decided after a moment. "Only a different Kurt than you first knew, just like you're growing up into a different Blaine than Kurt first knew."

Those words struck Blaine hard, and for a split second his vision went fuzzy as he faded back to that day in the auditorium. During the hours before he'd poked Eli and received those messages he'd sat in their by himself, walked across the stage, and for brief, gut-wrenching moments he'd thought he'd seen Kurt. The Kurt he'd first met at Dalton, still in his spy outfit, but different. Like Kurt had outgrown that boy that Blaine craved to have near him, the one that understood everything about his fears and concerns. The boy that was still in line with the boy Blaine was.

"You're both trying to figure yourselves out now and once you do, you'll have your eternity together. You can't get back the paradise you lost, but if you two make amends, there's still that promise of forever."

Blaine stood there dumbstruck as Sam ducked his head into the water and fell silent. It was so simple, such a typical, ingrained story of western culture, and yet it fit. His serpent had been his own insecurities and loneliness. The apple and temptation had been cheating with Eli and once he'd done so, he'd made his first real choice for himself. It had been foolish and selfish and derived from unbearable loneliness, but it had been the step into a newer world for him. He was tumbling into a world where he was going to make his own decisions now, and grow just as Kurt had while they'd been together. That was why Kurt no longer fit into those fantasy moments, and Blaine realized that Sam was right in so many ways. His journey was one of forgiveness and maturity, Blaine realized, and until he was ready to love and accept himself he wouldn't have Kurt in his life the same way he had before.

He might not like what he'd done or what had happened since, but if nothing else it had a purpose. If he took this experience and learned and grew from it, he would become a better person, more worthy of Kurt's heart and soul and ready to face these huge obstacles as a stronger man.

"That was deep," Blaine deadpanned as Sam cut off his shower and started to dry off.

"It's an analogue," Sam chirped proudly. "We were talking about the Fall in my Bible study class this morning at church. It just struck me that it fit where you are."

"It's not an– analogy, Sam. It's an analogy," Blaine corrected with a shake of his head, feeling more amused than he had in a month.

Suddenly he knew what he had to do with himself, where he needed to direct his life and focus. Right now he couldn't dwell on Kurt and what-ifs and possibilities. He needed to learn to love himself better, to accept his failings and faults, and forgive himself for the terrible mistakes he'd made six weeks ago. Only then would Kurt be able to let him back into his heart. They both had parts of themselves to work on, and right now, they couldn't do that together.