For the first time since Kurt had moved to New York, Blaine was fully enjoying visiting him, feeling guilt free and quite happy. He couldn't completely explain it to himself yet, but something had happened inside of him at the Sadie Hawkins dance, something that had flipped a switch permanently.

He'd had fun, more than he'd had since Kurt had left. Tina, Sam, Brittany, and himself had danced the night away, taking the stage to loud applause several times, and then he and Sam had closed the dance out to thunderous cheers. Afterwards, they'd lingered in the halls for a while, chatting and laughing, and then in the parking lot when Blaine had expected the worst memories of his life to reappear and assault him like those jocks had, nothing had happened. He's been a little sweaty and flushed from a fun night, but suddenly, miraculously, those moments from years ago hadn't been so sharp. Something about trusting himself and facing those memories had made them watery and less potent.

Sunday morning, Blaine slept in. When he woke up, Kurt was gone, already at work while he, Rachel, and Santana spend the day holed up in the apartment, reminiscing about the previous year and getting caught up on the Glee Club and the girls' new lives in New York.

By late afternoon, Rachel left to go practice some dance number with Brody. Kurt was set to arrive home within the next few hours, and as soon as Rachel left, still insisting that she was just going to Brody's to practice some important dance number, Santana scoffed and flipped the television on.

"Oh, please, it's so obvious she's going to get her pussy stuffed– "

"Oh, no! I don't wanna hear about that!" Blaine hollered, clapping his hands over his ears and shaking his head violently. "Dicks, cocks, flat chests– "

His hands were snatched away a second later, Santana glaring at him in disbelief. "I take back what I said to Kurt yesterday morning."

Confused, Blaine watched her slide off the couch and start riffling through the DVD cases on the shelf under the television. He couldn't recall Santana saying anything to Kurt during their subway ride. In fact, Santana had fallen asleep between them by the third stop. They'd had to practically carry her off the car when they'd finally arrived in Bushwick.

"What'd you say to him?" Blaine asked curiously as she picked out Rent and popped it into the player.

She shrugged disinterestedly as she snuggled up under the blankets again, inching closer to him and dropping her head on his shoulder.

"Doesn't matter," she said. "What's important is that you give me all the details on these schools around here with music programs."

Still suspicious about Santana's remark, Blaine eyed her for a moment and decided it didn't matter. He and Kurt were close friends again, and maybe someday they'd be even more; not in the same carefree, innocent, and slightly naive way they had been, but still in love. For now he was content with what he had, and finally, he thought, he was accepting what he'd done.

"All right, so there's Julliard and NYADA, of course, and then NYU has… "

They sat and talked for nearly three hours, first discussing schools, programs, and degrees they could pursue and were interested in. Even after the credits had finished rolling, they were still talking, shifting through discussions of the city and then on to Brittany and Sam, how Santana was happy if Brittany was and wasn't going to murder Blaine by association, and then back around to his Julliard audition the next morning. He'd been practicing for weeks now, picking a song he'd already used for an audition his junior year for this portion of his vocal audition. There was another audition he had for piano, but he'd been less worried about that one. His mother had taught him how to play when he was a toddler, sitting him in her lap while she ran through exercises with Cooper.

"So NYADA's applications are due in February?" Santana asked, pulling out her phone to make a note of all the dates.

"Yeah," Blaine said, nodding. "The fifteenth; it's a Friday. Then auditions are in March or April, I think. I'm sure if you got all of your information together you'd get an audition. It's too late for Julliard, though."

"I don't play any instruments anyway," Santana shrugged and set her phone down on the arm of the couch. "I think I'm going to go get some Chinese. You want anything?"

"No, I'm just going to have leftover pizza," Blaine decided, glancing at the clock and then the door. "Kurt should be back soon."

"Oh, so you're actually going to have cock for dinner," Santana remarked, giving him a saucy wink.

"I– we're friends," Blaine insisted, "even if we both know that we– if we get back together– we're– "

"All right, all right, but the apartment is yours for a bit, so if he comes back… "

She trailed away suggestively before hopping up and heading into her room to grab her winter gear.

It ended up being a quiet hour alone for Blaine. He showered, changed into his pajamas, and then heated up some pizza, hoping that the door opening would mean Kurt, but the first to reappear was Rachel. Then Santana returned, and finally, hours later, Kurt appeared, looking exhausted and grumpy.

"Ugh, that was the worst," he complained, slinging his bag onto the couch and falling face first into the cushions. "Chase was out sick Friday and his spread didn't get finished, so I spent the last four hours on the phone with him, getting everything together for the deadline tonight."

Rachel grimaced and offered him a slice of pizza.

"Thanks," Kurt muttered, taking it and unceremoniously stuffing half of it into his mouth.

Blaine sat down on the floor in front of the couch, brushing Kurt's bangs back and rubbing his neck and scalp. He knew how tense those areas got for Kurt when he was at a desk for long periods of time. Kurt groaned in relief as Blaine's hands began working on the knot in his neck.

"Come on," Santana muttered to Rachel, dragging her to her feet. "Let's go before he starts massaging the inside of Kurt's throat."

"But how would– oh!"

Blaine closed his eyes and paused in his massaging, hanging his head as Kurt groaned in disbelief.

"God, no wonder she's always having sex when I get home," Kurt muttered in annoyance. "She doesn't think about anything else."

"Well, you've got to admit, we were very… active last year. Especially over the summer."

Without actually seeing Kurt's face, Blaine knew he was smiling into the couch cushions.

"That's very true," Kurt mumbled, his voice muffled. "We gave her a lot to talk about last year."

"Yeah," Blaine swallowed loudly, heat surging through him and making his belly jolt. It had been so long since he'd had that contact with Kurt, and even longer since they'd had a conversation that hinted at sex without it being tainted by infidelity. "We definitely did."

"So are you going to work that knot out or not?"

"Wh– oh, yeah, sure," Blaine said, slipping his hands back around Kurt's neck and trying his best to tune out of what he was doing. It was so simple to imagine his hands around another thick part of Kurt's anatomy.

The massage didn't last long. Kurt hopped up from the couch rather quickly, saying he needed to shower and get his clothes ready for the next day. Blaine let him go, trying his best to curb the lust running rampant through him. It wouldn't do to have those thoughts and wants right now, not when he and Kurt were still slotting back together and figuring out where they were with each other. He couldn't act on those urges no matter how long it had been or how much he craved it. Until Kurt invited him in, that was off limits.

Blaine was sleeping peacefully when Kurt finally finished with his shower and skincare. He wondered if Blaine had taken notice of his long shower and how much he'd avoided him since those few brief moments of contact when he'd first gotten home.

There had been something inescapable about Blaine's touch then, already charged by the dreams plaguing Kurt and the lust almost constantly churning in his veins. He'd started to get himself off once he'd hopped in the shower, achingly hard with distant memories of Blaine's lips closing over him, but then realized Santana was no doubt listening at the door, and he really hadn't mastered being extremely quiet in an apartment with no walled off rooms. Instead, he turned the water on cold and let it wash the heat from his body until he was shivering and clean, but still wishing Blaine's mouth was covering every inch of him.

Frustrated, Kurt hung his damp towel on the hook in his room and carefully climbed into bed, trying his best not to disturb Blaine's slumber. He hated how part of him just wanted to roll over on top of Blaine and begin undressing him, while the other half insisted on halting until he knew what had been done. Because as much as he fantasized in his dreams and wanted Blaine pressed against him again, he couldn't wrap his mind around it fully until he understood the physical taint he still imagined.

Even now, Kurt wondered where this Eli had touched his Blaine, if Blaine had enjoyed it the way he always did with Kurt, and if, when, Kurt finally touched him again because he already knew it was inevitable, he'd be able to feel some tangible difference in Blaine's skin and the reactions of his body under or above Kurt's. More than that, Kurt wondered if that mental block would be the one that made it impossible for him to ever be with Blaine in that way again. Logically he realized there should be no actual difference, but mentally he couldn't help but think his imagination would take over and visualize another man's hands prying his away. A hand that was more skilled and capable of making Blaine moan than his were.

Exhausted and still tingling with lust, Kurt rolled away from Blaine's warmth, trying to ignore the way the heat was drenching the mattress and blanket around him. He stared at the little strip of the city he could see through his slightly open curtains and let his mind drift to more certain things, like the reading he had to finish for his classes, the next big project at the office, and how perfect Blaine's lips would feel against his skin…

"Kurt?"

Hips rolling purposefully, Kurt smiled against Blaine's cheek, because he knew that smell could belong to nobody else, and hummed happily. Blaine gasped beside him as Kurt's thighs captured Blaine's left one between his and pressed himself closer. A deep groan of longing erupted for Kurt's mouth as his hips jerked forward, thrusting his aching erection against the friction Blaine's leg provided.

"Kurt, I– "

"Shh," Kurt murmured, eyes still closed as he rubbed his right hand over Blaine's chest, holding him close against him as Blaine shivered. "We have to be quiet or Santana and Rachel– "

He broke off with another groan, louder and longer this time, his breathing sharp and almost painful with excitement and desperation. Blaine had shifted under him, his thigh unintentionally pressing against Kurt's cock.

"But– "

"Shh, Blaine."

"Kurt, you're– we're– "

It took Kurt several seconds to realize his eyes weren't open, that the dream he'd been having had taken a physical reality in his bed. Still breathing heavily, stomach drawn tight with lust, Kurt opened his eyes, finding Blaine half under him and his hips still rolling lazily against Blaine's thigh. Blaine rubbed his eyes, still half-asleep and ruffled from the unexpected situation. For a moment longer, Kurt stared down at him, the soft curls, the dark eyes, and the full, slightly parted pink lips. He didn't have to use his imagination to know how those would feel against his, the way he'd invitingly part his own and Blaine's tongue would sweep under his, curling slightly until Kurt was whining and rutting frantically.

"We, um, do– should I go sleep on the c– "

Blaine never had a chance to finish his suggestion, because Kurt surged forward, knocking their jaws and lips together. As the warm press of Blaine's lips settled against his, Kurt whimpered, pressing himself forward urgently, desperately to feel any part of Blaine against him that he could. Against his own thigh, Kurt could feel Blaine beginning to grow hard and he trembled at the idea of feeling Blaine like this again, of experiencing the closeness and intimate connection he'd thought he'd lost forever.

His stomach ached as Blaine's mouth opened against his, the other man's breath already fast and shaky. He'd never felt so hungry, like he'd been subjected to starvation but hadn't understood the signs of necessity his body was craving until he had the source back.

Recklessly, longing, Kurt dived in, plunging his tongue past Blaine's lips roughly. It was sloppy and heavy, nothing like the sweeter embraces he'd been imagining, but more like the silly, playful encounters that had occurred after long bouts of abstinence when homes had been occupied and there'd been nowhere quiet to be alone.

Blaine groaned low in his throat, pressing his head back into the pillows as Kurt rolled on top of him completely and grabbed Blaine's hips, brushing his fingers under the silky pajama top as they caught their breath.

"I've missed this," Kurt panted, pressing down for another hot, open-mouthed kiss. His hips rolled hard and he bit his lip at the tension filling his belly. It'd been far too long since he'd been intimate with someone, far too long since his body had had a truly pleasurable release and the touch of Blaine's hands melting into his skin.

Two clammy, firm hands dragged him back down into the blankets, chest to chest with Blaine and into the cocoon of heat waiting there. As their mouths met again, Kurt felt like he was burning. Everything was overheated and crisp, waiting to pull him into the inferno where they'd never yet met before. Blaine was down below, waiting on his own plane of existence now, strong, sure, and true and more ready than Kurt could fathom. It was new and thrilling in a way Kurt didn't entirely understand yet; it made him feel older somehow.

They kissed fiercely for several minutes, hips jerking and arching against each other's thighs. There were groans and grunts and half-asleep noises of muffled pleasure from both of them. Kurt let his hands drift, caressing the soft silk of Blaine's pajamas and then dipping under for a warm brush over his skin. His fingers were just getting ready to slide under the waistband of Blaine's pants when Blaine's mouth broke away from his, head tilting back and away.

"Stop."

Kurt's brain barely processed the command, but his hips understood, pausing mid-thrust as the sharp inhales and ragged breathing from Blaine slowly registered. He was choked up and trembling, his body growing tenser as Kurt's hands shifted over him.

"Blaine, wh– "

"We can't do this," Blaine whispered miserably even as Kurt leaned down to capture his lips again. "Kurt, please, don't.If you kiss me again, I won't be able to say no and– please, please, don't ask me to make this mistake again."

As the words tumbled out of Blaine's mouth, Kurt pulled back, panting and achingly hard, but confused as he tried to understand everything happening. But as he looked down and met Blaine's eyes, he knew he'd never forget this moment, or more importantly, the heartbroken look on Blaine's face. It took him seconds after that to understand that the mistake Blaine was relating their current situation to had been Blaine's last sexual encounter – one that hadn't involved Kurt– and that was enough for Kurt to push himself up and drop down onto his side next to Blaine.

"I– fuck, I'm sorry– but– we'd regret this in the morning, I know it, and– "

"No, you're right," Kurt agreed, voice hoarse and tight. "We– my dream was just– I'm sorry."

They were both silent for several minutes, letting their breathing slow and their minds catch up to what had just occurred. Kurt had known it was inevitable for them to have slips like this before they were ready, if they ever were ready or still decided to reconnect as deeply as they always had, but he still felt foolish for it. Blaine obviously knew that and didn't seem ready either, and Kurt still didn't know anything about what continued to keep him up at night. Somehow that hadn't stopped him in his lustful state just now, but he blamed that on his dream tipping over into reality. It had been only too easy to let the fantasy became fully realized and tangible in his arms.

"What happened with him?"

The question burst out of Kurt's mouth before he could think it through. Immediately he wished he hadn't, despite wanting to know the answer. Somehow this didn't feel like the time or the place for it, especially not after what had just occurred, but maybe that's what made it right. He'd loved the sensations he'd just been thrilled by, even if they'd been cut short. An indescribable and exhilarating spark that always electrified Kurt when Blaine was with him had still been present. What they'd always had together was still there, and while their relationship had changed in a number of ways, that perfect, homely sense of always being welcomed was still there. Now he had to know if the taint could be scrubbed away along with all the other negative feelings they'd let out.

"What do you want to know?" Blaine asked finally.

Kurt was a little taken aback by the steadiness of Blaine's voice, the calmness he hadn't expected his question to be answered with. He remembered the boy from October, even up through Christmas, who had been a wreck, over-saturated with guilt and unable to stand himself and the actions he'd done. Santana had been so far beyond right on the train platform. Blaine was different, more mature than Kurt had realized was necessary for Blaine to grow. He'd always thought of Blaine as mature and stable, but maybe that had been a projection from how he'd seen Blaine when they'd first met. The strong, charming, dapper little gentleman who had clasped his hand and tugged him into a bright, new spotlight.

"I– what exactly happened. W- where he touched you and– I just need to know, for my own sanity, so I don't keep imagining all the possibilities anymore," Kurt admitted quietly, shifting next to Blaine as he propped himself up on his elbow.

He watched Blaine's eyes shift towards him briefly, caught the way Blaine swallowed and clenched his jaw as his eyes became distant.

"It was that day you called me from work," Blaine started, staring resolutely at the ceiling. His voice was flat, emotionless, as though detaching such things from his speak could remove it from his heart while he explained everything.

"T- the day you said I hung up while you were telling me that you loved me?" Kurt asked weakly. He bit his lip as Blaine nodded once, and dropped his gaze down to Blaine's chest, taking in the soothing rise and fall of it and eventually pressing his hand against the soft pajama top as Blaine started speaking once more.

"I kept trying to call you after that, but you were at work and busy. I thought that was it, that we were going downhill and you didn't have a place for me in your life anymore," Blaine said truthfully. He sighed heavily, eyes still fixed on the ceiling. "Then I had a notification from Facebook. A friend request– "

"Was it him?"

"Yeah, it was. I accepted because he was local and went to Westerville where I went before Dalton. And he was online and posting a lot of things, so… I poked him." Blaine shrugged against the mattress, still not meeting Kurt's eyes, but his voice was changing, steadily gaining emotion as it cracked slightly on the last word. "I didn't think he'd notice, or even acknowledge it. I just wanted someone to talk to who would talk back and not brush me off or hang up or want Glee club advice or whatever… "

"And he did," Kurt deduced miserably, part of him feeling guilty for isolating Blaine in that way, but he knew the ultimate decision had rested with Blaine.

"He messaged me asking if I wanted to come over, so I went," Blaine said softly. "I knew what he wanted and what he was implying and I went because I thought we were fading and that you didn't care about me and it was selfish and stupid and– "

Blaine broke off, shaking his head and bringing his heads up to rub his face. He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes and took a shaky breath. Kurt could scarcely imagine the real, vivid images assaulting Blaine in that moment. A flash of a Facebook app screen perhaps, a little flirtatious invitation, and then the opening of a door somewhere unknown and blank to Kurt's eyes but no doubt burned into Blaine's memory forever.

"As soon as we were in his room, he was just… all over me," Blaine mumbled, hands still pressed against his eyes. "He, god, I didn't even know if I was enjoying it and I think that's part of why I kept going. It always felt incredible and perfect with you, but if we weren't meant to be, then shouldn't it feel that way with someone else?"

Kurt said nothing, not knowing the answer to Blaine's question and not wanting to ever find out for himself. He couldn't fathom doing something so intimate with another person if he wasn't in love with them. To him, sex was an expression of that, regardless of the tone each encounter had; it had to mean something because of who it was with.

"W- we ended up on his bed, and he was groaning and saying all these things and taking my clothes off, and I– " Blaine choked up then, voice tumbling down into a hoarse crack as he rubbed at his eyes furiously. "I just wanted it to be you. I wanted it to feel safe and warm and like home and even when I tried to pretend, it wasn't. It didn't make me feel better it just made it all worse, and I couldn't even look at him when he was – once he was inside me because that just made it too real."

Eyes closed, Kurt breathed shakily, the real image of what had happened finally taking root in his head. Blaine, face down on a rumpled, unfamiliar bed, while a faceless man pounded down into him.

"He fucked you?" Kurt asked flatly.

"Yes," Blaine answered, voice trembling with his tears.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I've never hated myself more in my life. I felt like I was going to throw up– I did throw up as soon as I ran out," Blaine told him. "I don't even remember if I came or not… " Blaine added with a self-deprecating laugh. "It was– I wasn't even there for an hour. He got off, went to clean up, and I just laid there, face down on the bed, trying not to be sick. I got dressed and left. I've never left so disgusting or worthless or cheap in my entire life."

Kurt had a harsh, almost ruthless impulse to say "Good" in response and nothing more, but he could see how rattled Blaine was by talking through that day out loud. He was still hurting because of his own mistake and, somehow, that made it easier for Kurt to accept the truth he'd just been told. It still hurt to hear, still made his chest feel like there was a tiny creature inside, clawing and scratching at his ribs and lungs, but he knew what had happened. Now he could think of Blaine's infidelity and have a clear, accurate image of it in his head. He had something tangible to connect it with, and he hoped in the long run that it would make moving past it easier because there was something to let go of.

Perhaps finally talking Kurt through that day would help both of them forgive it and move forward with their lives, even if their lives deviated away from each other.

"Thank you," Kurt finally said, dropping his head onto Blaine's shoulder and still resting his hand on Blaine's chest. He started to rub slow circles as Blaine hiccupped and wiped away more tears.

"W- what? Why are you thanking me for that?" Blaine asked weakly. His head turned to look over at Kurt, who quirked his lips up into a tiny, sad smile.

"Thank you for waiting until I asked, until I was ready to face the idea completely instead of demanding that I hear everything because youneeded to get it all off your chest," Kurt explained quietly.

"Oh," Blaine said quietly as Kurt relaxed against his side.

They were both silent for a while, just holding each other and thinking over everything Blaine had just confessed to. Somehow Kurt felt heavier, but not in the way he'd imagined he would feel after having those facts dumped on him. He felt more grounded, better aware of the complications in their relationship, both in the past and at that moment, and the weight of the truth seemed to have settled him there.

"Sadie Hawkins really did you good this time, huh?"

Blaine opened his mouth to answer, but–

"Your cock up his ass would do him one better!" Santana hollered from across the apartment. "I can't believe you two could sound that hot and then just stop. God, what is wrong with you?"

"Santana, shut up! I can hear you through my earplugs!" Rachel bellowed. There was the heavy whump of a pillow hitting something solid and then a merry cackle from Santana.

"So would you hate me forever if I lived in a dorm next year?" Blaine asked teasingly. "Because I don't think we'd all survive in one apartment together."

"I'll be surprised if the three of us make it until then," Kurt replied, burying his face against Blaine's shoulder and smiled as the two women continued to bicker. "Goodnight, Blaine."

Kurt was woken up the next morning by the flutter of his blankets and the dip of the mattress. He rolled with the tilt, suddenly finding himself face down against a cold pillow instead of Blaine's firm, warm shoulder. Squinting in the hazy, pale light Kurt watched Blaine stand up and stretching, yawning softly as he shivered against the cold.

He briefly wondered why he hadn't heard his alarm clock, but then watched as Blaine did something with his phone. Blaine must have set an alarm on there, or already been awake and waiting until it was time for him to get up for his audition. It was probably the latter, Kurt decided, since he knew Blaine had to be nervous as hell. His own NYADA audition had kept him up late several nights in a row until that fateful day.

"What time is it?" Kurt grumbled, yawning sleepily and burrowing deeper into the covers.

Blaine jumped at his voice and spun around. "Almost seven. I don't have to be there until ten, but… "

"You're nervous, it's okay," Kurt assured him quietly, patting the bed and encouraging him to lie back down beside him. "I was, too, remember? But you're going to be as fabulous as I was."

Blaine smiled, and settled down beside Kurt again. He dropped his head down on the edge of Kurt's pillow and gazed at him, reaching up to brush a floppy strand of hair off of Kurt's forehead.

"Somehow I don't think I can pull off gold pants the same way you can," Blaine teased gently, his voice warm and thick with sleep. The vibrations from it settled in Kurt's skin, soothing the little bursts of worry he had for Blaine.

"Well, not everyone can fill them out with this perfect ass either, but I think you could manage fairly well," Kurt retorted playfully.

Blaine laughed at that, eyes crinkling up and smiling stretching wide.

The first bright ray of sunlight trickled in through the part in the curtains and brightened Blaine's eyes. Everything struck Kurt hard in that moment, like Finn had taken a reckless swing with his old baseball bat and clobbered Kurt in the head. Someday, or maybe every day after June, he and Blaine could share early morning moments like this. There would be no interruptions and just each other for warmth. They could talk softly about everything and nothing, share their hearts and the dreams they were achieving and working towards. Perhaps they'd even do the same one day farther in the future, when they were married and waiting for their baby to wake up.

When Kurt drifted out of the fantasy, he was met with Blaine's steady gaze, and the curious new maturity that had suddenly surrounded Blaine. He watched it settle as a soft curve on the bottom edge of Blaine's irises. A strong cushion for the bright love that still glowed there and something dependable and welcoming that made Kurt's heart beat faster. A lump formed in his throat as he took it in. There was such a difference in the man beside him now, and even though he'd detected the beginnings of it at Christmas, it was remarkably plain to him now.

Blaine was no longer the confident, charming boy he'd first fallen for. He wasn't the hidden insecurities Kurt had cherished and loved even more deeply. The other man was neither of those boys now. There were undoubtedly still pieces of him, but Blaine was someone else now. Wiser, stronger, more steady and sure, but somehow entirely elusive to Kurt; it made him want to know more, to explore the depths of this new attraction in Blaine, and–

He gulped audibly, knowing Blaine had heard it, and barely caring that he might be giving himself away. Kurt had made a conscious effort to let go not too long ago. He'd done it for himself and so that Blaine could be free to find happiness within himself. At the time, he'd thought it had meant letting go of being in love with Blaine, had meant releasing that joy from his life, but now he understood what he'd really done.

The boy he'd first fallen for had been set free in order to become an older, stronger man and now…

Now Kurt was entirely too aware of how deeply he was already falling in love with the man Blaine was becoming.