Kurt had exactly nine hours of peace before his life changed forever. That may sound dramatic, but when he thinks back on this day – as he will for the rest of his life – he does pinpoint it as the turning point for everything that follows.
It starts off like a normal day. He gets up at 7:30, pads off to the shower, and starts to get changed. It’s a Thursday, and Blaine is already gone from his bed, probably in the library studying.
He doesn’t see Blaine for the rest of the day, but since it is approaching finals, he assumes that they keep missing each other as they travel around the school.
It’s 4 o’clock before Kurt gets to sit down and think. To anybody who would come into the room, it would look like Kurt was immersed in his History essay (which he probably should be). But he wasn’t. He was busy trying out words in his head.
Gay.
I’m gay.
For the last two months, Kurt had been avoiding this very thing. He couldn’t even say the words in his mind until now. It wasn’t that Kurt was in denial or was afraid of being gay. Since he had that dream he had pretty much accepted that fighting it was a moot point. Dreaming about having sex with a boy - let alone your straight but absolutely gorgeous room mate and best friend - was pretty conclusive evidence in Kurt’s mind. So the months of skirting mentally around the g word wasn’t from fear. Well, it was, but it was fear of change. Fear of how complicated his life was now, inevitably, going to be. There was nothing easy about being gay, especially not in small town Ohio. He had a list somewhere back in the dorm of the things he would need to do if he finally got to the stage where he can say it. Things like “tell dad”, “watch porn” and “kiss a boy” were on his list. But first up, he had to say it to himself and then Blaine.
I think I am gay.
When he thought about it, they were small little words. They shouldn’t be harder to say than antidisestablishmentarianism, but it was. Three little letters, and he knew, the second he said them out loud, everything changes. Even in his head, each letter was enormous.
G…A…Y…
It was fitting somehow that it ended in Y. It was a question. Why me? Why now? Why didn’t I know this earlier?
If he was honest with himself, he knew exactly “why now”. It was probably actually a matter of “why is it so important to say it now? Why can’t you wait until high school is over and your life really starts? Why do you need to deal with this now?” And again, he had the answer. Blaine.
It was so important for Kurt to understand and accept himself because he had a very strong suspicion that he wasn’t as alone as he thought he might be. Ever since he had finally put his finger on what he felt was wrong with Blaine dating, it had made so much sense to him. So yeah, maybe that was only last night, but it was one of those revelations that suddenly turns the world up the right way and fills in all the gaps. It was knowledge that you’ve always had, only you ignored it and it sat, waiting for the right moment to flood your senses and make everything change. It was Blaine’s smile that was the catalyst for the entire realisation. That smile that was unlike any of the ones Blaine gave to their other friends and teachers and even his girlfriends. It was only ever for him.
So yes, Kurt let himself think that maybe Blaine was going through the same thing as him. That maybe, Blaine was sitting in their room right now thinking about Kurt and maybe spelling those three letters to himself as well. Somehow, the thought that Blaine was going through the same thing, being as scared as him, made Kurt want to be strong. He wanted to be the strong one in this, the one who could take the other boy’s hand and make everything okay. But that started with those three letters.
“Gay. I think I’m gay.”
Silence. He was alone in the library.
“I’m gay.”
The thing is, it sounded right out loud. It sounded like his name, that sure and such a part of him. The second he says it, Kurt suddenly isn’t sure how he hasn’t been saying it for years. It was like finally taking a deep breath after only shallow ones. It was overwhelming and it hurt just the slightest bit, but it was good. It was right.
I’m gay.
Kurt sighed. Step one, the biggest step, was over. He had said it to himself and out loud. Now he could start in with his list. Now he just needed Blaine to walk through that door.
He could see it in his head, the way it’ll go. He’ll tell Blaine that he’s gay and Kurt will be so scared. Blaine will be silent for a while, then close his eyes and sigh. “I’m not going to treat you any different,” Blaine will say, then he will surge forward quickly and grab Kurt’s hand, “I think I might be too.” Kurt will be shocked (although not really) and Blaine will start to babble because he needs to talk about it. Kurt will let him talk, but Blaine will say something too close to freaking out and Kurt will make him stop. Maybe he’ll kiss him, maybe he’s just tell him to shut up. Kurt doesn’t want to plan that far. Plans only ever dissolve when you say them out loud.
Kurt is in the middle of repeating, “I’m gay” to himself silently when Blaine finally walks through the door and shuts it quietly behind him. Kurt watches as Blaine presses his palms to the door a fraction longer than needed, watches as Blaine closes his eyes and swallows.
Suddenly Kurt is nervous too, the words enormous in his mouth. He never gets to speak them though, because Blaine is marching across the room to him. He’s not going to stop, so Kurt walks backwards as Blaine comes near him closer and closer and then suddenly Kurt’s back is to the book shelves.
If his brain was working, he would see it all coming and maybe he would have hide time to prepare. But his mind is stuck on an endless loop of “I’m gay” and nothing else can get through. Blaine put his hands on the books on either side of Kurt’s head.
I’mgayi’mgayi’mgay.
One of those hands seems to move of it’s own accord and lands softly on his cheek, the thumb stroking circles on his jawline.
I’mgayi’mgayi’mgayi’mgayi’mgayi’mgay.
Blaine’s eyes flutters closed as he moves that last fraction closer.
I’mg…
Suddenly, lips are on his and Kurt is nowhere near thinking anything.
Kurt will never know how that kiss was supposed to go. In the future, he will think that Blaine planned a chaste kiss. But all he knows is what the kiss is.
It’s hot and wet and fierce and there is no working up to it by soft pressure then opening their mouths then introducing tongue. It’s straight into it, making out passionately and furiously against the wall. It’s like waking up halfway into a kiss and Kurt briefly thinks that he wants this for all of his days.
He’s not sure how long it goes on. Enough for his jaw to start aching and burning up against Blaine’s hand that still is clasping his jaw. It is everything Kurt has ever wanted and needed and it’s endless and too short and hot and loving and it is just everything. Only minutes ago he thought saying the words “I’m gay” changed his life. And maybe they still did. But he can feel right now that this is the real moment. The moment when he starts living for the very first time.
He gets brave, moves his hands to Blaine, ripping off his tie and pulling him impossibly closer to him, because Kurt wants to climb inside Blaine right now, wants to spend the rest of his life kissing these lips and with his hands on this skin. And that’s when Blaine pulls away and before Kurt can gasp for breath, is out of the door leaving Kurt with kiss bruised lips and his tie.