"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over." -Unknown

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His whole inbox, for days, was nothing but messages from Blaine. Whether they were apology texts, attempts at starting a conversation, or just missed calls, everything was from him. Part of Kurt wanted to pick up every time heard his phone ring, tell Blaine how sorry he felt for making him leave his apartment, but the other part of Kurt was too afraid; he was too scared that maybe Blaine would never want to speak to him and that maybe these phone calls weren't what he thought.

Mere moments after he'd sent Blaine away, he realised that he just put his best friend's life on the line. Blaine wasn't the only one being selfish but Kurt hadn't realised that until now. And it was killing him. He wanted to drive over to Blaine's apartment, tell him how he felt, how terrible he felt and just run away with him. But another part of him, a part he wasn't sure he truly understood, was still mad at Blaine. Still wanted to call him out on what he said and shut him out entirely; it might finally put his thoughts to rest, offer some peace of mind.

So when Kurt sat on his living room couch, perched too close to the edge of the cushion to be considered comfortable and his phone vibrated with the eighth call that night alone, he wasn't sure why he didn't just answer. It was the least Kurt could do, and he knew that. He could at least make an effort to be part of his relationship with Blaine, whatever that relationship even was. Sometimes he just forgot about what a situation Blaine really found himself in, only saw him as the friendly, charming man he met all those days ago back in July. He'd spent too many nights thinking about every possible what-if and worst-case scenario he might have sent Blaine away to. Kurt had spent too many nights just wanting to answer, tell Blaine everything he'd been bottling up and keeping to himself for the sake of... For the sake of what? Their friendship? He wasn't even sure that he could place bets on that still being something left to fight for. He could only hope what Blaine really knew how much he meant to him, could see that there were things he left unsaid because he thought that was for the better; it always had been in the past. Biting his tongue and just being that guy, the one who was always there for you to talk to, no matter what, was his holding pattern. Kurt would take everything in stride, let it all roll off his back and help everyone else with anything they needed, but felt like there was no one he could talk to. He felt, especially as a teenager, that all he did was complain; like he could never found something positive to talk about - just things that were irking him.

It was the truth that Kurt needed Blaine in his life just as much as Blaine obviously needed him. Had Kurt met him in high school, he was almost positive he wouldn't fallen head-over-heels for him; fast and hard. But regardless of having long-since survived high school, he still had. Kurt had still fallen exactly that hard for Blaine, but knew, in his heart-of-hearts, that he couldn't express it. Jason was already beating Blaine because he thought he was cheating on him, and if he even showed an inkling of some other feeling, let his guard down for a second, Kurt knew that it could, with no exaggeration, mean the end of Blaine's life. He didn't know just how serious things got with Jason when he wasn't there or what he was capable of doing, but from what he'd seen of the aftermath when he was there to pick of the pieces, it was indescribable.

Kurt was almost sure that there was a part of Blaine, be it small or larger than either of them knew, that might feel the same way about him as he felt about Blaine. It was there when they kissed and it was there in the way Blaine looked at him, the things he said or the friendly touches that were just a little too long. All the times he'd paid for coffee, offered to front him the cash on the pizza they'd ordered but never asked to be reimbursed. Kurt hadn't felt like he was in love for a very long time. The first boy he'd ever wanted to kiss was a blonde, lanky football player who had to move away because his dad had gotten a job in a different state. The first boy he'd ever had a crush on ended up becoming his step-brother and later married his best friend. The first boy that had ever kissed him was a football player who had put him through far too much strife to ever even be considered as an object of Kurt's affection. And then Alex. And now Blaine.

He sighed, clearing his throat and staring out his window briefly. Before he realised it, Kurt was unlocking his phone and dialing Blaine's cell phone number, clutching his phone to his ear and biting his tongue.

Don't pick up. Don't pick up. Don't. Pick. Up.

"Kurt?"

His voice was strangled, crackling over the speaker. Kurt's heart lurched into his throat at voice, pumping in that pleasant way he hadn't felt in too long. "Hey," he breathed, wincing when he realised what a horrible thing that was to say.

You don't call him back for weeks and all you say is 'hey'?

"I was almost convinced I wasn't going to hear from you. Ever."

His voice was tight, like he was trying to be sarcastic and playful like always but was too on-edge to keep it convincing. "Y-yeah, I... I-I," Kurt stammered. "I..."

"You...?"

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, hoping Blaine's phone picked it up. He couldn't imagine what the past few weeks had been like for him, almost didn't want to. Kurt wanted everything to be okay, of course he did, but he couldn't deny that he loved being the one Blaine ran to; he loved that feeling of being needed by someone, even if he had completely taken it for granted.

The line stayed silent, so he continued. "I haven't... I haven't been fair to you. I... I wasn't thinking. A-about you. And what's really going on in your life," Kurt said slowly, pacing slowly around his coffee table, trying his best to keep the tightness in his throat to a minimum. "And I wasn't thinking about what would have happened what I s-sent you away that night," he cleared his throat, squeezing his eyes shut tightly before continuing. "b-but now it's all I think about," he chuckled humourlessly. "Blaine, I'm not good at showing what I really mean. I just expect people to understand exactly what I'm thinking o-or feeling without having to say it outright,"

"And what exactly are you feeling?"

Kurt sighed heavily into the receiver, his throat too tight to bear. He tried to hold it in, knowing that he would have to choose his next words carefully. "Blaine..." His voice was high and strained, tears stinging at his eyes. Kurt wondered what Blaine was doing right at that second, what his expression was like, where he was standing, what he was thinking. "Confusion, I guess," he said slowly, his voice unconvincing and he knew Blaine wouldn't accept it.

"I miss you, Kurt,"

Blaine voice was cracking, his tone breathy and short and Kurt smiled wearily, a chuckle passing his lips. "I miss you, too," he said, sniffling. "But there's just... so much I haven't... Been honest about. So much I haven't told you, I-I don't... I don't even know where to being," He sat back down on his couch, running his fingers through his hair.

"So start now. I haven't exactly been an open book either, you know,"

Kurt smiled, wanting to see Blaine rather than just tell him everything over the phone. "I-is Jason home?"

"No,"

"Could you come over?"

"Give me three minutes,"

Kurt hung up, tossing his phone onto his coffee table before darting off to his bathroom to splash some cold water on his face and try to wash away his tears, cool the heat in his cheeks. He stared at his reflection in the mirror for a moment before mumbling aloud. "You're going to tell him," he stared hard into his own eyes, swallowing hard. "You're going to tell him everything," he had to. He had to.

Rinsing his face off quickly once more, he moved to grab a towel just as he heard a knock at his door. "Just a sec, Blaine," he called. Kurt stared for just a second longer at himself before just barely nodding and running to the door.

And then it was like this weight had been lifted off of his chest when he saw Blaine. Blaine with his sparkling brown eyes, and that smile that never faded, no matter what. There weren't many marks on his face that Kurt could see, maybe a fading bruise on his cheek, and that gave him hope. Maybe it was going to be okay for him. For both of them.

"Hey," Blaine said, his voice thick and gravelly.

"Hi," Kurt smiled back. "Come in," he moved away from the door, watched as Blaine toed his shoes off and shrugged off his light jacket. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Something with alcohol would be amazing," Blaine said and Kurt smiled again. He knew it would be tense, it would have to be, at least for a little while, but if Kurt could just get it all out there, stop dragging it out, it would be for the best. He dashed to his kitchen, pouring two generous glasses of wine before tucking to bottle under his arm and walking back over to the living room.

Blaine was perched uncomfortably on the edge of Kurt's couch, his hand rubbing against themselves on his lap. It didn't exactly occur to Kurt that he might still be mad at him, or still think Kurt was mad at him. He placed one of the glasses in front of Blaine on the table, setting to bottle next to it before seating himself next to Blaine.

Blaine turned to him slowly, licking his lips just barely. Kurt's fingers clutched awkwardly at the stem of his wine glass, swirling the drink around in its glass.

"Blaine, listen..." Kurt began. He stared at his knees, how his right leg was just slightly leaning in against Blaine's and he wondered if he noticed. "I think we ne--" He stopped himself suddenly, as Blaine lips attached themselves to Kurt's. His eyes widened, squeaking in surprise before closing his eyes and fumbling to put his glass down. He moaned gently against his own better judgment and parted his lips just enough for Blaine to pet his tongue at Kurt's bottom lip. Kurt pushed at his shoulders, groaning before smacking his lips off of Blaine's.

Colour flushed to his cheeks and Blaine pulled away. He started mumbling out apologies, stammering around his words. Kurt caught things like "wasn't thinking", "so beautiful" and "forgot about Alex," before he stopping him with his own words.

"I love you," Kurt blurted out before he realised and suddenly he felt so vulnerable and so young. Blaine snapped his head up at Kurt's words, his mind reeling just as fast as his heart was pounding.

"You what?" He said stiffly, brow knitting together. He was on his feet before he knew it, staring down at Kurt. Kurt's heart hammered painfully in his chest. He opened his mouth to say something but Blaine interjected. "W-what about Alex?"

Kurt winced, breaking his eye contact with Blaine to stare at the floor. Blaine took one slow breath before Kurt felt the couch dip next to him. After he didn't answer for too long, Blaine said it away. "What about Alex, Kurt?" his tone was different this time, more gentle but still insistent. Kurt's head was pounding and was almost sure that his shoulders were shaking, tears beginning to stream down his cheeks.

"He's been dead for eight months, Blaine," Kurt choked out, his voice barely about a whisper. He dropped his head, fingers swiping furiously at his cheeks.

"Wh... What?" Blaine asked, shifting in his seat so he was facing Kurt more head-on.

"Do I really have to say it again?" Kurt said shakily, snapping his head up to look at Blaine. He was breathing raggedly through his mouth, cheeks burning and wet. "I... I lied about him because I was too afraid of what would happen if I told you the truth, Blaine. I-I knew about you and Jason and I didn't want you tell you that he's..." Kurt's chest heaved, like he couldn't say the word again. "That's he's been..." his eyes searched frantically through Blaine's and he nodded in understanding, knowing what Kurt meant. "Because I... I've been in love with you since the moment you stepped out of your car,"

Blaine smiled, a chuckle rumbling out of his chest, as tears welled in his eyes. "A-and I thought that if I lied about Alex still being alive th-that it would... I-I don't know, keep those feeling at bay, or something..." he finished lamely. Kurt dropped his head again, staring hard at the floor. It was silent between them for what felt like too long. "Please say something..." Kurt said slowly.

"I love you, too, Kurt," Blaine said simply, like he'd been saying it for years or practising it when he was alone in his room, rehearsing it for just the right moment. "I love you, too," he said again. Kurt looked up at him and smiled weakly. Blaine grinned fondly at him, tilting his chin up in his fingers and brushing away a few of his tears with the pad of this thumb.

"I'm sorry I lied," Kurt mumbled softly and Blaine laughed breathlessly.

"Hey," he said gently. "It's not like I've been completely honest with you in the past,"

"You had a better reason than I did..." he grumbled, like he was chastising himself for everything he was saying.

"We all have reasons for keeping secrets, Kurt," Blaine took Kurt's hand in his, his index, middle and ring fingers resting in the palm of Blaine's hand. He brought his lips down to Kurt's hand, kissing the back of it gently before stroking his thumb against where his lips had been.

"What about Jason?" Kurt whispered as Blaine leaned in to cup his cheek in his free hand.

"Jason who?" Blaine mumbled, pressing his lips to Kurt's cheek gently but he felt his face crumple beneath his lips. Kurt pushed him away with his free hand, hating himself for finally having Blaine right where he wanted him and pushing him away but no.

"No, Blaine," he said sternly and Blaine groaned, his breath coming out in practically a growl of frustration.

"Why can't we just have this?" Blaine said, his voice tight. "Why does something always have to stop us? For Christ's sake, Kurt, I want this!" I stood from the couch, Kurt's hand falling back to his side. "You want this! And right now, I couldn't give a shit about Jason or anything to do with him! I want you, Kurt. You. And that's all. And I think I've wanted you for a lot longer than I've known," he sighed, tugging his fingers through his hair and looked at the ceiling. "It's always been you, Kurt," Blaine's voice softened. "You take me away from all this... bullshit in my life. You're the only distraction I have, and I know you feel used because I've taken that for granted. I've been selfish and inconsiderate and I haven't treated you like you should be treated. But I love you, okay? And when I'm with you, nothing matters. He doesn't matter,"

Kurt stared up at where Blaine stood, piecing together everything he'd told him in his mind. It didn't come as a surprise to him when Blaine had said he loved him; it felt strange because it didn't feel strange. Kurt had almost known it all along and everything he has just said only furthered his proof.

"Blaine," Kurt mumbled, standing up and stepping towards him. His fingers brushed against the back of Blaine's wrist but he pulled his hand away, crossing his arms over his chest. "You have no idea how badly I want this too," he assured. "and if I didn't think it would make things any harder on you than it already is, I would pack my bags and run away with you... Tomorrow," Blaine smiled. "But you need to sort this out between you and Jason. You're engaged, Blaine," Kurt stared hard at him and saw him stroke his thumb over his ring finger awkwardly. "You need to figure this out, before we get any more involved than we already are. I know you love me, but I think part of you... still loves him too,"

Blaine bit his lip, his eyes flicking all around Kurt's apartment. "I know you think he loves you, but he doesn't. Would you do this to someone you love?" Blaine closed his eyes and tried to picture himself doing anything even remotely similar to the things Jason had done to him. He tried to picture himself slapping Kurt across the face or picture himself choking him. But he couldn't.

"I didn't think so..." Kurt mumbled after Blaine didn't respond, when he saw his eyes flash with what Kurt had said.

"I'm engaged," Blaine choked out suddenly, his voice strained and shaking. "I'm engaged, Kurt," It was like he was pleading, hoping that there was something Kurt would be able to do, even just understand what this felt like for him. It just Blaine all at once as he stood there, staring at Kurt. His heart was hammering in his chest. How had he not understood it before? Blaine remembered what he had promised to Jason, that he said he could be his, no, would be his. That he would stop seeing Kurt entirely. But it was like every time he spoke to Kurt, thought of him, even, that anything Jason had said just slipped his mind entirely. It was like Kurt made him brain-dead.

"I can't go back there, Kurt, I-I can't," Blaine whimpered, his face scrunching up with the tears pooling in his eyes. "I promised him I wouldn't see you again, he... He's gonna kill me," he was panting, words coming out in a rush of stutters and choked-out sobs. "He's gonna kill me," he said it again and Kurt's mind was reeling, torn between trying to act as comfort for Blaine and not start freaking out.

Suddenly, Blaine was stepping away from Kurt, walking to his bedroom and opening the door to his closet, Kurt calling after him.

"What are you doing?" Kurt shouted just as Blaine stretched onto the tips of his toes to look for a duffle bag or a suitcase.

"C-Can't we just leave? Just run away and forget about all of this? I can't go home but I can't stay here because he knows I'll be here, he always knows. He's known it was you before I knew it was you," Blaine wasn't sure that what he was saying made much sense at this point but then Kurt was walking towards him, hands warm and wide as he wrapped his arms around Blaine's trembling frame. He guided them towards the bed, knees buckling when they hit the bed frame.

Laying down, Blaine stumbled next to him, hands searching for purchase on anything they could grasp, which happened to be the sleeve of Kurt's shirt and his other hand.

"Breathe, Blaine," he soothed, stroking his hand over Blaine's hair, smoothing it down as he mumbled nonsense into his shirt. "It's gonna be okay," Tentatively, Kurt pressed his lips to Blaine's forehead, shushing him. "You're okay," he mumbled but he wasn't sure if what he was saying was true; Blaine couldn't just run away - that's not right. It's cowardly.