“Where are we going?” he asked as Kurt drove them away from the house.

“We’re headed downtown,” Kurt said vaguely.

“Where downtown?”

“Short North.”

“That’s not narrowing it down very much, Kurt,” Blaine whined playfully, but there wasn’t much of an answer from Kurt so he just rest his head against the window.

“You don’t like surprises?”

“Is that seriously a question?”

“This isn’t like a startling you surprise, it’s a nice, fun surprise!” Blaine turned his head back toward Kurt and sighed.

“I know, I’m just kidding, I just really want to know.”

“How do you feel about candles?”

“Candles?” Blaine’s brow furrowed. “Um, they’re nice?”

“It sounds really lame, but it’s actually cool,” Kurt said quickly. “I mean, I think it is anyway.”

“What about candles? Where… exactly are you taking me?”

“We’re going to this place called the Candle Lab. You get to make your own candles. Well, you choose the fragrances and then they make the candles for you with them. They’re all natural products and soy and I’ve had a few of them since I came to the area, and they’re really good.” Kurt was still talking fast, like he wanted to get it all out before Blaine had a chance to question any of it.

“That sounds… awesome,” Blaine said, a smile spreading across his face.

“If you don’t want to, we can do something else. There’s a lot of stuff to do down there--”

“Kurt, I said it sounds awesome! I want to.” Kurt hummed in agreement and they spent the rest of the short ride with their hands intertwined on the console between them.

The Candle Lab was just a short walk from where Kurt parked the car, and it was like an instant sensory overload when they walked inside. It only lasted for a few seconds before Blaine adjusted, was able to sort out the different scents and fragrances. His hand gripped lightly against Kurt’s bicep, where he’d been holding on as they walked down the sidewalk and into the shop. Being on campus and holding hand with him was one thing, but being downtown and around so many more people was different. Blaine was trying his best not to be concerned about it. Kurt led him across the shop to a place where they could sit.

“Welcome to the fragrance bar!” Blaine slid into his seat and tilted his head up at the greeting. “How many candles did you guys want to make today?”

“One each, I think?” Kurt said, and Blaine nodded. They decided on shapes, a circle for Kurt and a square for Blaine, and then the girl working there brought over all the fragrances for them.

There were so many to choose from, over a hundred if the girl working there was to be believed. Kurt picked out his fragrances easily, clearly having known what he was getting before they’d gotten there. Blaine took a long time choosing his, trying to find the absolute perfect ones to put together. It took a while, but he finally settled on a combination of fresh linen, cologne, and soap suds. Not that he would readily admit it, but he chose those three because they reminded him most of how Kurt smelled most days. The perfect combination of clean and sweet.

“Alright, we’ve got a little bit of a wait to pour these, so it’ll probably be an hour or so until they’re ready,” she said, taking their fragrance choices from them. “We’ll put the labels on for you, and all you have to do is come pick them up in a bit!”

“Sounds perfect,” Kurt said, leaning over to nudge Blaine’s shoulder. “We can grab some dinner while we wait.”

There were so many restaurants in the Short North, and Blaine was glad that Kurt had decided on one before they got there so he didn’t have to make the choice himself. Betty’s was barely a block away, and they had some of the best wraps and burgers that Blaine had ever known. Cooper had taken him there before, and always commented about how the walls were covered with pictures of pin-ups and it was too bad that Blaine couldn’t see to enjoy it. It wasn’t late enough for it to be busy, which made it nice and not too loud. Once they ordered, he reached across the table and Kurt slipped their hands together.

“Thank you, Kurt,” he said, squeezing his hand.

“For what?”

“For... candles.” He wasn’t sure if Kurt had picked it for any particular reason, but Blaine was grateful for the fact that their outing had been an experience that hadn’t required any kind of visuals to enjoy. For once, he hadn’t felt like he was missing out on part of something.

“Oh, you’re welcome,” Kurt said, sounding pleased. “I was hoping you’d like that. They have ones you can just buy outright, but I think it’s more fun to make your own.”

“No, that was fun,” Blaine said with a nod. “There were just so many options; I think I could make so many candles given the opportunity. Santana would go nuts.”

“So what you’re saying is that we should go back a lot,” Kurt said with a chuckle.

“Definitely.” Blaine chewed on his lip for a moment, grinning. “This is my first date ever and it’s kind of setting a high bar for anything that follows, I think you should know.”

“I’m going to tentatively say that I’m up to the challenge.”

“Well good, I’d hate to have to be disappointed from now on.” Kurt laughed, and let go of his hand as the food got to the table. They ate in silence, and the restaurant only got louder and more crowded as they did.

Weekends downtown tended to get started a little later, but once they did they were in full swing. By the time they were done eating and ready to head back to the Candle Lab, the place was packed. Getting out of Betty’s was a challenge, and Blaine hated stuff like that. There were a few more tables than there should have been, and people waiting for them to open up crowded it even more, which made it impossible to get out without having to push through them all. It made him anxious, but at least Kurt seemed to get that.

“I feel like they were breaking some kind of fire code,” Kurt said under his breath once they were outside, still holding onto Blaine’s hand as tight as he had been to get them through the crowd.

“Very possibly,” Blaine replied, taking his hand back and lightly resting it on the crook of Kurt’s arm as they headed back down the block to the other shop. It seemed as though in the time they’d been eating dinner, the entire area had filled up with people. The sidewalks were more difficult to navigate without bumping into people constantly, and that made him want to hold onto Kurt tighter and completely let go all at the same time. It wasn’t until Kurt leaned over and pressed a kiss against his temple that he actually pulled away. He winced, mostly because he hadn’t meant to and also because he felt like a jerk for it. “Sorry…”

“It’s… okay.” Kurt sounded hesitant, and he held open the door to let Blaine back into the Candle Lab.

They didn’t talk about it at all as they got their candles, and Blaine couldn’t help but admit that his smelled amazing and perfect – just like Kurt. They didn’t talk about it as they made their way back to the car or on the ride back to Blaine’s place. The car was fairly quiet, save for the radio playing softly in the background. Blaine just sat stewing in his thoughts, trying not to overreact like normal. It was a little late for that, but he was trying to keep it from getting worse.

He wasn’t sure how to explain it to Kurt without saying everything, and that was a terrifying thought. Secrets weren’t exactly his thing, but there was one big one that he kept to himself unless he could help it. Kurt deserved to know, though. There was no reason to keep it from him, and maybe it would make it seem less bad when Blaine had his moments of complete irrationality. It took a lot of psyching up to get him to even consider breaching the topic and that was why he spent the entire car ride with his hands clasped, occasionally squeezing together to the point of near painful. By the time they pulled up to his house, he had talked himself in and out of it enough times to lose count.

“Well…”

“Will you come in?” Blaine interrupted, flushing slightly but probably not that noticeably in the dark. “Please?”

“Of course,” Kurt said, sounding surprised but not hesitating at all. He cut the engine and pocketed the keys as they got out and made their way up to the house, going in and straight back to Blaine’s room. Santana seemed to be gone, which was good despite how she’d been earlier that evening. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Blaine said automatically, but then he shook his head. “No, that’s… not true.”

“What’s wrong?” They both sunk down onto the edge of the bed and Blaine swallowed, trying to find the words he’d been playing over and over in his head in the car.

“I’m sorry I did that, before, I didn’t mean to,” he started quietly, rubbing his thumb hard against the palm of his hand. “I feel like a really big jerk.”

“Blaine, you’re not--”

“I feel like one,” he interjected. “I hate that I do stuff like that and I don’t even mean to. Kurt, you make me feel amazing and I just… suck sometimes.”

“No you don’t,” Kurt said gently, his arm slipping around Blaine’s shoulders.

“I’m trying to figure out how to tell you why that happens,” he murmured, biting at the inside of his lip as he paused. “It’s kind of hard.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, it’s fine, Blaine.”

“It’s not fine,” Blaine said evenly, shaking his head. “It’s not, Kurt. I know I don’t have to tell you but I… I want to.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, thumb rubbing against Blaine’s shoulder as they sat in silence for a few seconds. “You can tell me whatever you want, no rush. I can sit here all night and be fine.”

“Okay, so... remember how I said before that I went to a school dance with a friend once?” Blaine felt like all his insides were twisting up together as he started to speak, and he had barely said anything. He never talked about it – not to his parents, Cooper, Santana, anyone. Starting with the less difficult part, maybe that would make it easier.

“Mhm.”

“It was my friend Danny. He was the only other guy I knew who was out.” His fingernails dug into his palm, and Kurt kept rubbing at his shoulder. “It was the Sadie Hawkins dance. I asked him to go, just as friends. I wanted to go and it wasn’t like any girl was going to ask me because, well, obviously… and I couldn’t exactly ask them because that kind of defeated the purpose of it being Sadie Hawkins.” He took in a breath, letting it out slowly before continuing. “But we went. I mean, I don’t remember much of the actual dance except I remember having fun. It was nice to be able to be there with him, be able to dance with him.

“We weren’t being ridiculous or anything. It’s not like we were dancing like, um, you and I did. Not that it was ridiculous when we did that,” he added quickly, shaking his head. “Just, I mean, we were being careful. We weren’t stupid, we knew that there were people that wouldn’t like… us. I didn’t get picked on a whole lot in school but Danny did. I blended in a little better, I think? That sounds horrible to say, but it’s… looking back, it’s true.”

Kurt hummed softly beside him. It was so quiet, like a reminder that he was still there and listening.

“They were waiting for us in the parking lot,” Blaine whispered, finally getting to the part of the story he never wanted to say out loud. Kurt’s hand tightened on his shoulder. “After the dance. We were headed to Danny’s car, holding hands, and they just… jumped us. I don’t remember much about it, just that everything hurt and there was so much yelling. I… sometimes, I can still hear what they said, all those horrible words…” He shook his head, swallowing hard. His chest and throat felt so tight, but he didn’t want to cry. “I’d barely gotten called any of those things before, then all at once…”

“Blaine…” Kurt’s voice was quiet, soothing almost, but it wasn’t much help considering. He couldn’t stop now that he started, and he didn’t want to.

“I remember curling up, trying to make myself small like maybe that would help.” He forced his hands apart, feeling like he might actually draw blood if he kept digging into his palms like he had been. Talking about it made it feel like it was happening all over again. The fear that had taken over. The way Danny had screamed in pain. How he had screamed. “It didn’t.”

Tears streaked down his cheeks despite his best effort to keep them in. He swiped at them with the back of his hand. “I don’t remember… it just hurt. It hurt more than anything I’d ever felt and then it stopped. I woke up in the hospital after a week in a coma. My mom said they weren’t sure if I was going to wake up. So I guess… not being able to see anymore wasn’t that bad compared to dying.”

Kurt seemed to hesitate, unsure if Blaine was okay with being touched just then, but then his arms were wrapping around him and pulling him in close. They sat in silence, Blaine occasionally brushing tears from his face as soon as they fell, and Kurt held him tight. He felt like he was going to burst and the only thing keeping him from that was Kurt, solid and warm there beside him and making him feel safe against all the memories flashing back and making him relive the worst day of his life.

“That’s why,” Blaine mumbled eventually, trying to reel himself back in. “Pretty much for all of it. Why I don’t like being surprised, being around a lot of people, when it gets loud and stuff… it kind of just, hits me. And I feel bad about earlier because I like when you kiss me, I just couldn’t… there were so many people and…” It made him feel worse to try and explain it, feeling like it sounded as if he were somehow ashamed and wanted to hide, but that wasn’t it at all. He could still hear the jeers, the hate spit out at him just from daring to hold hands with his friend.

“Don’t feel bad.” Kurt’s voice sounded tight, full of emotion. Blaine swallowed hard and made himself nod, despite the fact that he knew he was going to keep on feeling bad and that was something he couldn’t help. “God, Blaine, don’t you dare feel bad.” He paused, pressing a kiss against Blaine’s temple like he had earlier in the evening, but it was lingering and damp. Blaine realized belatedly that Kurt had been crying too. “I would never want to make you uncomfortable. We don’t have to, in front of anyone, hold hands, any of that. Not if you don’t want.”

“It’s not… it’s not that,” Blaine said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to be scared of any of it. I like being able to do that stuff with you, it’s just that sometimes it… I can’t, and I don’t want you to think it’s because I don’t want to.”

“It’s okay. It’s…I totally understand.”

“Will you stay?” Blaine asked meekly before he could talk himself out of it. He felt drained, emotionally
and physically. He’d been tense, so wound up, and he hated the thought of Kurt leaving for the night. “Sorry, that was… you don’t have to, it’s fine.”

“No, I want to,” Kurt cut in, and Blaine let out a breath. “As long as I can borrow something to sleep in.”

Blaine got them both pajamas to wear, and changed in the bathroom so Kurt could have his room. He wasn’t even thinking when he washed out his hair – it was just something he did every night before bed. Sleeping with all that gel in made for a headache in the morning, so he always got it out before crawling into bed. It wasn’t until he knocked on the door to his room lightly and got the okay from Kurt to come in, not like he would have been able to see anything if he’d been mid-change anyway, that he realized what he’d done. It was the soft, startled sound that Kurt made that clued him in.

“Oh God, this is horrible,” Blaine groaned, hands immediately flying up to his hair and attempting to smooth it down. Thankfully it was still damp and therefore not nearly as crazy as it could have been. “Please pretend like you can’t see how awful it looks.”

“Absolutely not,” Kurt said, tugging his hands away from his hair and guiding him over to the bed.

As they lay there, both on their sides and facing in, breath playing across each other’s skin as they were barely inches away, Blaine realized it was the most exposed he’d ever let himself be with someone. He felt completely stripped down to the core, all his cards out on the table – crazy hair included. It seemed like such a small thing compared to telling Kurt about what had happened before, but it was just as much a secret he kept solely to himself.