Chapter 5

                Blaine stepped into the sunny October day, still feeling uncomfortable and still not knowing what was going on. It was a warmer than usual day, so maybe that was a plus. Kurt was leaning against the wall of Blaine's apartment taking another sip of his coffee. Blaine shoved his hands in his pockets and waited.
                "This way." was all that Kurt said. Blaine followed obediently, but still wasn't sure what this was all about. All of his feelings for Kurt from the last two weeks seemed muted. He still liked Kurt, but there were no happy butterflies in his stomach. No joy in his gait. Yesterday he was ready to hold his hand, and even wanted to kiss him. But since a part of him still seemed intimately damaged he took several steps away from his emotions. He didn't want to expect Kurt to still want to be with him. He didn't want to get his hopes up for something like that. Better to admit now that this was a lost cause than be hurt later.
                Kurt turned a corner and disappeared down stairs to the subway. Blaine followed, but still didn’t ask where they were going. Kurt walked ahead, paid fare for both of them, and stood aside to allow Blaine through the gate first. 
                "Kurt, you didn't have to pay for-"
                "Shush," said Kurt, as he came through and then stared at a map. Blaine shuffled his foot on the ground.
                "B," said Kurt, and headed in the direction of the train. Blaine trotted behind him.

                Sitting on the train beside Kurt was strange. They had only ever been face-to-face across a bar, besides the short walk home the previous night. But even then, they were walking. They had something to do. Here, they were just sitting. Blaine kept his hands shoved in his pockets and stared and Kurt's designer denim covered knee. Kurt was still holding his coffee cup, although Blaine suspected it was long empty. People crowded in front of them making Blaine feel claustrophobic. Kurt leaned into his shoulder slightly as someone shifted in the seat next to them. The butterflies in Blaine's stomach attempted to make a comeback. 
                "This is the lowest you can get," said Kurt. Blaine whipped his head around and raised an eyebrow. Kurt pointed upwards. "In New York. The subway."
                Blaine nodded, but wasn't sure why Kurt was sharing this very apparent piece of trivia with him. Neither of them said anything for the rest of the ride. Suddenly Kurt stood up and made his way to the door just as the train slowed down. Blaine leapt up and made it out of the doors just before they closed again. Kurt wove through the sea of people and found stairs leading above ground again. Emerging from the horizon of the top of the stairs was the Empire State Building, regal and shining in the afternoon sun. Blaine marveled at if for a moment before realizing he should be keeping up with Kurt. He hadn't often gone much past Time's Square, so he wasn't immediately familiar with the surrounding streets. Kurt seemed to be making a beeline though. It soon became clear that Kurt was actually heading into the Empire State Building.
                “Alright, Kurt, seriously, what’s going on?”
                “Have you been here before?”
                “I…well, no, actually. Have you?” Kurt just turned and kept walking to join the line-up for tickets to the Observation Deck.
                “Are you going to throw me off the top or something?” asked Blaine with a nervous laugh.
                “Don’t be silly, they have fences keeping you in.”
                “Ah,” said Blaine. Obviously Kurt wasn’t trying to off him or anything, but he was certainly making hard conversation.
                Kurt finally discarded his coffee cup after he paid for their tickets. They went through a security line and into an elevator which was again, too claustrophobic for Blaine’s liking. He wanted to ask Kurt what was happening again, but there were too many other people around and he was still feeling insecure from the previous night.

                It was on the Observation Deck that Kurt finally spoke to him.
                “You’ve never been up here, have you?”
                “No. Silly right? I’ve just… never had the time I guess. But you have? You’ve only been here like a month!”
                “Right,” said Kurt. He just looked at Blaine. Blaine was feeling uncomfortable because he didn’t know what he was supposed to say next. Kurt finally broke eye contact and looked around at the other people among them. He led Blaine to the least crowded corner of the Deck.
                “Isn’t it amazing?” he breathed.
                “Yeah,” said Blaine, though it was colder up here than on the ground, which he didn’t find so amazing. Wind smacked him in the face and he folded his arms a little tighter in front of him.
                “Look down,” said Kurt, peering over the edge. Blaine hesitated. “Afraid of heights?” asked Kurt.
                “Well, kind of. I guess.” Blaine shrugged and stood on tip toe to make it look like he was interested in what was going on below without actually having to stand near the edge.
                “Oh for Pete’s sake,” said Kurt, grabbing Blaine’s arm and pulling him up to the steel gate that caged them into safety 86 floors above the ground. “Lean your head against the side.”
                “Do I have to?”
                “Blaine, there’s a point to this, I promise.” Blaine slowly allowed his head to touch the metal in front of him. Eventually his shoulders relaxed and he let his forehead be the only thing supporting him.
                “OK,” said Blaine, staring at the miniature city below him.
                “OK,” said Kurt, “Now, Blaine, I want you to scream.”
                “What?!” exclaimed Blaine, backing away from the edge again.
                “You heard me.”
                “Yeah, but…” Blaine looked around at the other people milling about them. They snapped pictures. They posed. They pointed.  An excited shriek came from the length of the Deck away as someone was proposed to. A few people near them applauded briefly. Blaine suddenly felt very embarrassed to be near Kurt again. This was a romantic place to be. This is what people did on dates or whatever.
                “Cute,” said Kurt, gazing towards them.
                “Sure,” said Blaine.
                “Anyway,” continued Kurt, “I believe you were about to scream yourself out to the abyss of the New York skyline.”
                “You may have been misled in that regard,” retorted Blaine.
                “Blaine, do you remember what I said to you on the subway?”
                “Umm…About it being low?” Blaine was starting to put pieces together in his head, but let Kurt give his speech.
                “The lowest place you could be. So low that nobody knows you’re there. A face in the crowd. Invisible. Riding through the gutters of other people’s lives. Sound familiar?” Blaine looked at the ground, feeling his ears go red. “And now where are you?” asked Kurt, spreading his arms wide as if to embrace the sky. Blaine looked up and across the dimming light of the city. “Now you’re above all that. The subway is so far beneath you it barely exists, even though you know it’s still there. You are literally in the highest place you can be right now.”
                “Except for the next Observation Deck,” muttered Blaine.
                “Don’t kill the scene,” said Kurt, but Blaine saw him smirk a little. “Blaine, you’re life has been shitty, mine has been too, but look. LOOK. You are above all that. You are superior to everything up here. You need to take that power into your own hands and sound your Barbaric Yawp over the roofs of the world!”
                Blaine paused, “Dead Poets Society?”
                “I was actually quoting Walt Whitman, but sure, whatever gets you through the analogy.”
                "Right well, I’m not screaming over roof tops with a bunch of other people around."
                "Blaine, sound your Barbaric Yawp."
                "I'm not feeling 'Yawppy'."
                "Do it."
                "No, Kurt this is stupid."
                "Do it."
                "No."
                "Do it."
                "NO!" Blaine screamed. A few people around them turned to look. Kurt just smiled back at them until they turned around again. He was leaning casually against the barrier with one elbow, his hands clasped in front of him.
                "Harbouring some rage, are we?" said Kurt. Blaine was getting angry at him now.
                "Kurt, just forget it, ok?"
                "Yell it out Blaine."
                "No!"
                "Scream it out to Adam."
                "Kurt..."
                "Tell him how you feel."
                "Stop it, Kurt."
                "Tell him how weak he made you"
                "I AM NOT WEAK!" shouted Blaine. "I'M BETTER THAN THIS!"
                "Don't tell me," said Kurt, "Tell him." Kurt pointed in the direction of Pennsylvania where the haze met the horizon.
                "I AM BETTER THAN THIS!" shouted Blaine, adrenaline pushing his anger. He gripped the steel barrier as though he might tear it off. "I REFUSE TO BE CONTROLLED BY YOU! I DON'T DESERVE THIS!"               He weakened as the rage left him. Tears stung his eyes and he felt his face grow red. He leaned his head against the cold steel bars. "I don't deserve this," he muttered again. Kurt placed a hand on Blaine's back and Blaine heard him quietly saying "Sorry" and "He's ok. He's done" to the dozens of people were sure to think that Blaine was a psycho patient now. Kurt rubbed his back a few times before letting his hand drop again.
                "Good," said Kurt.
                "I hate you," said Blaine.
                "I know," said Kurt, and Blaine heard a slight smile in his voice. Blaine didn't say anything. Kurt felt the awkward pause. "Look, Blaine, I just want you to be ok. I don't have to be involved, just you're too great a person to feel this bad. I can... I can leave now." He stood for a few moments and then Blaine saw his feet retreat from beside him.
                "Kurt, don't go," he said, and wondered if he was loud enough to be heard. He raised his head to see Kurt facing him, a few feet away. "Kurt, I'm sorry you had to witness all this."
                "I’m the one who started it, aren't I?"
                "I guess, but..." Blaine shrugged. 
                "Do you feel better?"
                "I dunno. I guess. I've never really confronted it before. It's just a lot for one day."
                "Do you know why I thought to bring you up here?" Blaine shook his head. Kurt took a step closer. "Because Rachel brought me up on my first week here."
                "Oh yeah?"
                "Yeah. The subway bit was my idea. But yeah,"
                "For you to have a screaming fit?"
                "Oh yeah."
                "What about?"
                "Just... stuff..." Kurt trailed off.
                "Seriously? I lay my darkest moment in front of you, and all you have to say is 'stuff'?" Blaine laughed. Kurt smiled a bit.
                "It just seems so stupid now compared to...this. I was having an anxiety attack about starting school and leaving my dad... he has some medical stuff going on...And I'd just dropped this accounting thing that I hated... and I loved being here and all, but it was happening so fast. Rachel dragged me up here to scream to the world that I WAS good enough for this school, and that I COULD get through this. So I guess it helped. I felt a bit lighter afterwards at least"
                "Yeah,” said Blaine, gazing out over the darkening city. The days were getting shorter and the temperature dropped with the sun. 
                "Just seems stupid now."
                "No emotion is stupid," Blaine looked over at Kurt who was looking over the city as well. The evening light touched the highlights of his hair and face leaving dramatic shadows in the crevices of his nose and jaw. His eyes glinted in the westward sun. Blaine couldn't help himself. He took Kurt's hand in his, and as Kurt turned towards him, Blaine intercepted his movement with his lips, in what Blaine would later remember as their real first kiss. Still holding his hand, Blaine pulled back to look at him. Kurt was smiling in a sad and shy sort of way.
                "Thank you, Kurt. You didn't need to do any of this. You didn't even need to come over today."
                "I didn't have your number," Kurt shrugged.
                "Well, let's fix that now," Blaine pulled out his phone and offered it out to Kurt. Kurt smirked and did the same. Blaine punched in his number and traded back, receiving his with the words 'Kurt Hummel had been added to your contacts' still on the screen.
                "Well, Blaine Anderson, shall we descend?" 
                "Sounds good, Kurt Hummel. I'm starving. I don't think I've eaten anything yet today."
                "Want to go get something?"
                “I dunno…” part of Blaine just wanted to go home and be alone. He was so tired. But part of him didn’t want to push Kurt away anymore than he had demonstrated already. They settled on non-committal casual pizza.
                “So are you coming to the Ball?” asked Blaine, half way through his slice and trying to veer the conversation to something fun. Kurt just looked blankly at him, chewing slowly on his pepperoni and green peppers. Blaine blinked back. “The Black and White Ball? The Cog’s Halloween party? It actually falls on a Saturday this year, so we’re all pretty stoked about it.”
                “Oh yeah, I think I saw a poster. It just didn’t register at the time. Yeah, absolutely, any excuse to dress up!”
                “Yeah for sure. I can’t dress up too much cause I still have to be able to do my job, but it’s still my favourite event. You’re supposed to wear black and white, but no one ever really adheres to that.”
                “In a week is it?”
                “Yeah, something like that. I should probably know,” Blaine laughed. He stole a look at Kurt as he took another bite of pizza. There was something about him that Blaine still couldn’t figure out. They barely knew each other and in the course of a day he’d broken into Blaine’s apartment, gotten him to talk about something that he’d had a hard time talking about before, coaxed him into a therapy session, and now was sitting here eating pizza like they’d just had a stroll in the park. Like they’d known each other for ages. But it didn’t come off as creepy, it came off as comforting.

                They shared a taxi to the end of their road and walked up the dimly lit street without saying much. They ended up in front of Kurt’s apartment.
                “Well,“ he said, “I guess I’ll see you sometime. Got your number now,” he held up his phone.
                “Yeah,” said Blaine. “Get planning your Halloween costume.”
                “Oh it’s been planned already. I’ve been planning it since you brought it up,” Kurt laughed. “Kurt fun-fact number one: Fashion is my weakness.”
                “Duly noted,” smiled Blaine.
                “So, um, yeah. I guess… Good night.”
                “Yeah,” said Blaine staring at the ground. “Kurt, thank you. For trying. For showing up this afternoon, even though I thought I wanted to be alone.” It was Kurt’s turn to look at the ground.
                “Anytime, Blaine. Anytime you need to talk.”
                “Sure.”
                Kurt hugged Blaine, tightly. Blaine hugged back. Kurt smelled amazing, but holding on too long would be awkward. They seemed to be foregoing a good-bye kiss, which Blaine was ok with at the moment. Kurt disappeared inside and Blaine crossed the street and up the stairs to his own place.
                Even though he usually didn’t go to bed before midnight, he was exhausted. He changed, and stole a look out his window to the third-floor apartment across the street. The lights were on, but the curtains pulled. Blaine pulled out his phone and held it in his hand for a long time before making a decision about what to do.
                ‘Good night, Kurt’ he typed. Sent. Stupid idiot, it was too soon, un-send, un-send, un-send, un-send…
                ‘Night J’

                Blaine smiled to himself as he crawled into bed and fell asleep as his head hit the pillow.
                                *                             *                             *

                Halloween. That glorious day of the year when people have no inhibitions about what they look like. That day when people often dress as their inner person, their real person, and nobody bats an eye.
                If Blaine loved Saturday nights at the bar already, Halloween was like Christmas. And Christmas was fun too.
                Blaine had stretched cob webbing across his normal top hat. He wore a black vest over his black work shirt. Tina had on a similar miniature top hat to what she normally wore, but this one was deep purple with a black broach and feathers on it. It took Blaine a while to notice that she had popped plastic vampire teeth in her mouth too.
                On the wall above the lounge they were projecting back and white horror movies all night. Of course, you couldn’t hear them over the music, but the flickering ambiance it created was awesome. Puck stood behind the DJ table with his custom made headphones (covered with brown leather and two black bands with buckles stretched horizontally across each side), and dressed as a zombie. Around the room were skull shaped candle holders, with battery operated candles in them. Cob webbing splayed tastefully from all corners of the room.
                The sea of ghouls in front of Blaine made him squirm with glee. Part of him wished he could dress up more, but part of him was glad he didn’t have to undergo the pressure of creating a masterpiece each year. Ethan and Evan were across the room dressed as pirates and laughing with a girl who Blaine had never seen before. He kept a look-out for Kurt, but it was hard to tell who’s who. The girl who always flirted with him surfaced at the bar. Her theatrically long eyelashes almost hid her eyes. Her face was white with a small trickle of blood painted down one corner of her mouth. She had on an off-the-shoulder black shirt with an ivory corset holding herself together. Blaine thought she looked like a skeleton. She batted her eyes again and asked for a drink. Blaine obliged.
                “Do you ever get a night off?” she asked flirtatiously. Blaine shook his head and shrugged. “Aww, too bad,” she pouted, as she took her straw into her mouth and drew in a sip of her drink.
                “Look…” said Blaine, feeling sorry for her and wanting her to stop flirting, “I’m actually, um… I’m…-“ At that moment he caught Kurt’s eye from across the room, Rachel and Quinn at his side looking vaguely like themselves under their costumes. He looked from Kurt back to the girl. “I’m taken.” He said finally. He didn’t know what made him say it, because he didn’t really know if he was taken, but it was the word that spilled out his mouth, and he had to stick to it. The girl nodded.
                “Well, if anything ever happens…” she seemed to be unfazed by Blaine’s statement, which made him like her even less, “Or, you know,” she leaned over the bar, her cleavage very obvious over her corset, “If you guys ever want…company…If she’s into that kind of thing…” she took another suggestive sip from her glass.
                “Actually, I don’t think HE is,” said Blaine, staring her down. He didn’t know what Kurt was in to, but she had walked into it. She looked back at him and released her hold on her straw.
                “Oh, I…” she looked at Blaine as though he had just told her he had cancer: Shocked, awkward, guilty, sad and pitying all at once. Blaine kept staring at her. He saw Kurt approaching from the corner of his eye. She finally stirred her drink with her straw a few times and walked away casually. Blaine exhaled.
                Kurt looked like a cross between Sweeny Todd and Edward Scissorhands, while also appearing as though he just walked out of a Lady Gaga music video. His dark goggles were resting on his forehead. His hair had been dyed (temporarily, Blaine hoped) black with a white streak through his perfect mess of bangs. He had a white collared shirt and short black scarf under a dark grey, fitted suit jacket. Blaine also saw a black corset with a zillion buckles under the jacket as well. The sleeves were pushed up and he wore black leather gauntlets with ‘scissors’ protruding from them, although not as long as from the movie, so as not to impale anybody. Blaine wondered if Kurt had made all of this or had it already. They hadn’t seen each other since the day Kurt showed up in his apartment. On Wednesday Kurt had text-asked how Blaine was doing. Blaine was asleep and didn’t respond until several hours later, and then received no response after that.
                Kurt smiled at him. Blaine smiled back. Rachel interrupted.
                “Blaine! Hi! It’s so packed in here tonight!” She was dressed as the Queen of Hearts, or something like it. Black and red everything, with her hair twisted up and teased, a la Helena Bonham-Carter. Quinn had on a wildly elaborate Victorian dress made from black and white striped fabric. There were more layers and small ruffles than Blaine had ever seen on a dress. Her face was pale and her lips and eyes were painted black, in the exquisite way that Quinn always appeared. They ordered drinks and disappeared into the crowd again. An enormous cheer arose from the crowd as the first few lines from Time Warp blared from the sound system. Blaine had to serve two more people before he could go back to Kurt, who was still standing there.
                “Water?”
                “No thanks.”
                “Anything else?”
                “No, I’m good. I don’t drink. I just wanted to say sorry for not getting back to you. School has been busy.”
                “It’s ok,” said Blaine, “I didn’t want to be creepy and keep messaging so I didn’t.”
                “I don’t mind,” smiled Kurt.
                “Ok,” smiled Blaine. “Are you staying around tonight?” As soon as he said it he remembered their last Saturday night encounter, and regretted suggesting it.
                “No, I need to get home soon. Call me tomorrow?”
                “Yeah. Sure.” Said Blaine, slightly relieved that Kurt had an excuse.

                Kurt had vanished by the time Blaine pulled the chain of the silver whistle for last call.

                Blaine’s walk home was usually deserted but tonight the odd costume-clad group of people laughed their way past him. He turned his key in the front door and turned to look up at Kurt’s apartment. The lights were off. Blaine went to bed with his phone in his hand that night so he could call Kurt as soon as he woke up.