Say Good-Bye to Kurt Hummel

It was the peace Kurt had been searching for the past ten months, and like most matters of true spontaneity it had come when he was least expecting it. The ingredients for a serene moment of peace were all there: soft chatter, fresh snow and the rich glow of Christmas lights. If Kurt allowed his mind to wonder beyond the songs of celebration, he may very well falter into former traps of despair. Thankfully the needed push back into depression was protected by thick frost covered windows. It was here, on the barren patio with forgotten street lights, that Kurt was able to recognize his place socially and spiritually. His life was no longer in Ohio. His father and stepmother had moved to another state. His friends made their social commitments after his ungraceful breakup earlier that year. He was alone here and the absence of his persona went unmissed.   

The dismissive nature of his department did not affect Kurt as much as he anticipated it would. Apart of it was liberating. There were no strings holding him back or distracting him with pessimistic words of unattainable dreams. The attainable dream had been lost, leaving him with only options of the impossible.

"What is a pretty face like yourself doing out here in the cold?"

A strong and clear voice disturbed Kurts concentration of the scenic party occurring within the cabin country club. It was not the proximity of the male voice against Kurts ear that left him partly dizzied with surprise, but rather the open display of non-biasness.

"You must have me confused with someone else." Kurt sighed against the black window frames and absentmindedly started at the beautiful faces and bodies within the warm dance hall. "I dont understand how everyone can be uniformly beautiful at the same time. All the men are wearing their ties correctly and the women are not struggling in their high-heels. Everyones hair looks nice and clean, and not a single person is without a smile." The only person without a true grin of excitement was his own reflection in the glass, not that Kurt desire to adjust his vision to see himself. "What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, I had to get out of there. Engagement parties are not my scene and enough people hassled me into coming." The man did not venture to introduce himself and Kurt did not have the personal investment to ask. Simple observation and shameless stereotyping told Kurt all that he needed to know about his handsome stranger of the night. He was tall, proud and looking for short term fun - the very opposite of Kurt Hummel. "I dont recognize you. I take it youre not a friend of Matthew."

"I never meet the man, nor do care to." Kurt held his breath as he watched his high school friend Rachel scurry past the window, the brunette was too preoccupied to notice his observing presence. "I didnt want to come either, but I had to come and see it for myself. I guess you can say Im self-destructive like that." The man did not say anything and the listening silence motivated Kurt to externally repeat the sentiments previously polluting his mind.  "I dont understand this engagement - there are too many questions. Theyve barely dated for five months before deciding to get married. Do they even love each other? Will they be happy together? Is Matthew a good person? Will he treat Blaine well?" Deep down Kurt knew the truth, or at least the honesty of his situation condensed into written words. Who would have guess cheap hotel parchment could burn the inside of his jacket pocket with its mere weight and substance. "Then again, it isnt confusing at all."

Silence temporary prevailed before Kurt remembered his orientation and the consistent hum of small talk and music took over. "Are you always this depressing or are you in need for a little rebound? I dont mind being that guy for you."

"Excuse me, but Kurt Hummel doesnt do rebounds or one-night stands for that matter." Kurt neither snapped nor expressed any form of judgement, something he normally did when offered similar propositions.

The man smirked and pressed his shoulder against Kurts. In all honesty the man was good-looking, his teeth were perfectly white, and his hair was naturally styled to a point Kurt felt jealous. "Tell me Kurt Hummel, do you always talk about yourself in third person? If I may make a suggestion: dont. It is too self-involved, and that is coming from me - an only child living off the interest of his trust fund. My name is Charles by the way."

Charles, the name was fitting and nothing less than what Kurt expected from someone with an elitist background. "No I do not, however self-obsession has been a fault warned against me. Accordingly to the people inside, if I was less concerned with personal frame and more focused on their happiness, I wouldnt be standing alone right now. I cannot make everyone happy and still be sane at the same time, yet they expected it. The moment I stopped being a doormat, was the movement they all turned against me. I forgave all my friends when did they me wrong. I forgave Blaine after he cheated on me. I helped Rachel and Santana through their mood swings, and I never held a grudge against them. I apologized when I did wrong, without ever hearing the sentiment in return." Kurt narrowed his eyes as the sinful feeling of resentment crowded out former traces of peace. "I messed up. I messed up big time. I broke Blaines heart...and mine...in the past everyone forgive Blaine for making me cry - some even blamed me for it...I hurt Blaine and was blacklisted as unforgiveable."

Kurt licked his lips and ignored the fresh snow landing on the shoulders of his coat.  The lights within the dance hall dimmed to a romantic shade created by the elegant chandelier. Underneath the artificial light designed to look like starlight was the noticeable dance between young lovers expected to become young husbands. Surrounding the happy couple were many teary eyed witnesses celebrating the pure happiness that seemed impossible several months prior.

"Are you sure you dont want some rebound action? No one is going to miss us, and your ex-lover is going to be in deep with another man tonight. Why should he get all the fun?" Charles turned his back against the window to better appreciate his young temptations high cheekbones. Hurt, or something similar crossed Kurts face, but Charles was too busy picturing their naked bodies entangled in passion to care. "I checked out a hotel room two blocks away. It has a king size bed decorated with the finest Egyptian cotton. I think it would be good for you. Judging by the stiffness in your shoulders, I can tell you havent gotten laid for quite sometime."

Slow romantic dancing resumed without interest to the happenings outside, and the camera flashes directed to the center of the room aided to the insignificant understanding of Kurts self-worth. Blaine Anderson had moved on. He found someone else to love - someone kinder, smarter, richer, and not to mention better looking. Such words were not Kurts, but rather descriptions duly noted in Blaines own handwriting. The letter in Kurts pocket is proof to show.

"I dont do one-night stands."

"Dont get me wrong, your innocent and broken heart schoolboy act is sexy, but where in life has it taken you?" Charles leaned his closer to the lips he wanted to taste. "Right now you are standing in the dark on a cold December night with nothing but your humble self-worth. Now, is it worth it? Kurt Hummel doesnt do one-night stands or rebounds. Kurt Hummel is tired of making others happy without recognition. Kurt Hummel isnt allowed to have an opinion without offending your closed minded friends."

Angry, jealousy and guilt darkened the inside of Kurts conscience to a degree he had never felt before. It was nice and scary at the same time. "What are you saying? It doesnt pay to be Kurt Hummel? I should pretend to be someone else and live wild and be reckless?" 

"Im saying you should try something different. Maybe you will like it." Charles casually glanced over his shoulders to the many people celebrating inside. "Blaine isnt waiting for you. He tried something new and now he is marrying it. If I were you, Id say good-bye to the old Kurt Hummel and say hello to the new you. Trust me, you can do better than where you are currently at." Traces of falling snow lessen to single flakes here and there. "Im ready to get out of here. What do you say, are you in or out?"

Intentional or not, Kurt distracted his conscious and focused his vision to see his own reflection - the same self who surrender his heart and happiness. The man who was betrayed by self-doubt and fear of commitment. The engagement made sense - Blaine was a great catch, who would not want to marry him? It was he who did not make sense. Kurt Hummel was the mysterious creature who worked without reward, and single handedly replaced virtue with self-pity. Charlies was right. Kurt Hummel was not a person worth being, nor would he become a person able to achieve a future worth having.

His flight back to New York is scheduled for the following morning, and the open promise for a new start is easy to envision. He would change his attitude, take more chances and become someone worth loving. He would lessen his standards for perfection and allow rough edges to be rough. Pride had not taken his far and self-pity took his backwards - the new Kurt will not fall for these traps, nor will he look backwards as he advances in life. Blaine Anderson no longer needs his high school sweetheart, and now that boy is irrelevant all together. Charles is right, he should try something new and maybe he would like it.

"Sure, lets get out of here." Kurt blinked several times, mixing the romantic scene within the warm dwelling with the burning tear in each eye. Charles did not see the tears, Kurt made sure of that. The old Kurt Hummel cried, the new would do better to hide his emotions.

An arrogant smile slipped over Charles lips and his right arm soon curved around Kurts shoulders. "Does this mean I can say good-bye to the old you who doesnt hook up with strangers?"

Kurt leaned against Charles arms and slowly walked in the direction of a rich hotel. This was not about love or passion, it was about forgetting the past and finding a new way forward. Did Charles have the answer to his problems? Would Charles want him afterwards? The answer was no, but it would be a good distraction until he left Ohio once and for all.

"Yes, he is gone."