wake-up-kid
June 10, 2012, 4:23 a.m.
Interruptions: Chapter 16
E - Words: 2,811 - Last Updated: Jun 10, 2012 Story: Complete - Chapters: 19/19 - Created: Feb 03, 2012 - Updated: Jun 10, 2012 140 0 0 1 0
Author's Notes: Sunday, June 15, 2031
Blaine was lounging on the couch in the apartment, resting his still sore muscles from his night in the tree house and wasting time until Cooper was scheduled to arrive. He stared unseeing at the flat screen scanning through channels, his mind a jumble of words and images: Kurt in bed with the phone to his ear, “I loved the blazer…I still do,” Tori’s purple jacket atop the luggage, “I can’t survive on pieces of you,” Kurt whispering the three words Blaine most needed to hear to a dimming phone.
A Skype notification popped up in the corner of the TV screen and drew Blaine’s attention. As he sat up, he chuckled at the memory of “virtual cuddles” in his youth and marveled at what a couple of decades could do for technological advancement. Blaine tapped the remote to accept the video chat. The green light at the top center of the TV flashed on and his family appeared on the screen, Kurt with Bertie in his lap, Tori at his side, and Carole standing behind them where they sat on the couch.
“Happy Father’s Day!” They all chorused.
Blaine’s grin was so wide he was squinting. “Aww, thank you! And same to you, Kurt!”
“Thank you!” Kurt smiled. “We all wanted to say hello to the best father we know.” He grabbed Bertie’s chubby fist and waved it at the screen. “Say hello to Daddy.”
“Heddo Daddy!” Bertie called, reaching out for the screen.
“Hi, Daddy! Are you having a Happy Father’s Day? We miss you!” Tori rushed, excitedly.
“I miss you too, Sweetie.” Blaine held his hand to his heart. “I am having a good day, especially now. I’m just waiting on your Uncle Coop to come over. Actually, I was just thinking about all of you. How was the flight?”
Tori started prattling on about the flight, peanuts, and Bertie’s gassiness, but Blaine didn’t hear…he was studying Kurt’s face. Kurt, who wasn’t looking at Tori either, but whose eyes were locked on the screen—focused on Blaine. Tori giggled adorably and Blaine finally refocused his attention. Tori was now holding Bertie, bouncing him on her knee as the he shouted, “I lub you, Daddy!”
“Me too!” Tori called. “I love you too, Daddy!”
“I love you both, with all of my heart.”
“Alright, you two, why don’t you play with Grandma while your Daddy and I talk?” Kurt turned to Carole who nodded her head and reached out to grab Bertie from Tori.
“Come on you two, let’s go get a snack!”
Tori and Bertie began a chant of “Snack, snack, snack!” and disappeared from the screen.
Blaine watched as Kurt picked up his tablet from the coffee table, tapped it, and Blaine’s screen switched from a view of Carole’s living room to just Kurt’s face, still gorgeous even at the wonky angle he was getting due to how Kurt was holding his tablet.
Blaine grabbed his tablet and followed suit. “Hey stranger,” Blaine smiled at the screen.
“Hey, yourself,” Kurt snarked with a grin. Then, seriously, “Are you really having a good day? I feel horrible about you not being with the kids today.”
Blaine, emboldened by the events of the previous night, stepped out on a limb. “I am. It’s always a good day when I see the kids…and you.”
Kurt’s mouth fell open adorably. “You…you mean that?”
“Of course.” Blaine answered, sincerely.
Blaine could see Kurt sit down on the bed in his old bedroom.
“Well, you could come here?” Kurt gave a cautious smile. “I know Carole would love to see you…and…and the Dalton event next weekend. You could see the kids, and some of the Warbler guys…and…and me.” The last word was small and light on Kurt’s voice, his eyes averted from the screen.
“I’ll come to the event.” Blaine smiled. “It sounds nice.”
“Re-really? I mean don’t come if you don’t want to or because you feel some sort of obligation I mean—“
“Kurt.” Blaine cut in. “I want to come.”
“Oh…okay. Good.” Kurt’s eyes again found Blaine’s.
“Good.”
“Then…I’ll see you next weekend?”
“You’ll see me next weekend.” Blaine echoed.
Kurt, apparently not wanting to press his good fortune, had made some excuse to go, so they said their goodbyes and the screen of Blaine’s tablet went black, but somehow he knew Kurt was whispering the same three words at the screen as he was.
***
Cooper let himself in and found Blaine in the process of purchasing plane tickets.
“Why ya’ goin’ to Ohio, Squirt?” Cooper clapped Blaine on the back. “Going to visit Dad after all?”
“No, I’m going to see Kurt. And don’t call me Squirt.” Blaine shot Cooper a look.
“Oh, awesome!” Cooper exclaimed. “So you and the hubby are back on?”
“…not…yet.” Blaine parsed.
Cooper jumped over the back of the couch and landed, seated, beside Blaine and gave him an inquisitive look. “’Yet?’ What does that mean?”
“It means not yet, Cooper.” Blaine answered, flustered.
“But if you aren’t back together, then why spend $800 to go see him? Plus, isn’t he the one that was like…involved, or whatever with some guy? Shouldn’t he be coming to see you?”
Blaine sighed heavily and dropped his head. They sat like that for a few moments, Blaine’s eyes closed and head angled toward the floor. Cooper was looking at Blaine expectantly. Blaine finally lifted his head and labored over each word as if he was still wading through the murky waters of unformed thought. “I…I saw something and…I know he still loves me, he’s just…I don’t know…I mean, I walked out…I didn’t answer his calls for nearly a month—“
“But you said yourself that when you did answer he never wanted to talk about the real issues.” Cooper countered.
“It’s more than that, Coop. I think the phone calls were more than that…I mean…I sent him divorce papers and…he said to me once…the last time…” Blaine fell silent for a moment. “I think he’s trying to hold on to what he can the only way he knows how…and I, I just need to be there when he finally reaches out for more.” When not if, Blaine thought to himself.
“Well, little brother. That sounds pretty complicated so I’ll just leave all of that to you. He’s your husband.”
“Yes, yes he is.”
Saturday, June 21, 2031
It had been great to don the blazer again and see all of the guys. There was nothing like a Warbler reunion. This one being the 200th made it extra special. The halls of Dalton were filled with generations upon generations of Warblers from white-haired men with the buttons of their blazers straining against their potbellies to young boys who were clearly experiencing their first year of proverbial rock stardom. During the cocktail hour, Blaine had thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Wes and David and hearing of their joint adventures on the board of a California corporation. Wes positively glowed as he described the gavel he got to use as chairperson of the board. During the dinner and program, Trent was affable as always, chatting animatedly about his legal career, entertaining their entire table with tales from his courtroom. After the program, Blaine ran into Nick and Jeff, both of whom had recently retired from stage performance and were taking up choir directing at different academic levels. Blaine suspected they would enjoy choosing who got the solos from now on.
Whenever anyone asked where Kurt was, Blaine responded the only way he could: “He should be around here somewhere. Have you seen him?” The answer was always no, followed by a pat on the back he was sure was meant to be comforting. The crowd was really dwindling and Blaine was running out of ways to justify sticking around. Of course he’d always planned to come to this event, but when he and Kurt had separated he’d decided he rather not attend, but then Kurt had seemed so adamant about it…had seemed to want him there…but Blaine was there and Kurt wasn’t. Blaine had misread. Kurt wasn’t coming.
Blaine straightened his blazer, waved goodbye to the last cluster of Warblers drunkenly harmonizing in a corner, and made for the exit, but not before taking one last shortcut.
The railing was cold and firm as Blaine descended the staircase, the tap of his shoe on each step echoing in the curve of the ornate dome looming above him. The slope and shape of that staircase were indelibly imprinted on his mind and inextricably linked to his heart. He could not number the times he and Kurt had traversed these worn steps hand in hand or shared a kiss at its feet. That staircase had led him to his love, had introduced his heart to the reason it beat. Nineteen days ago, Blaine had set an expiration date to that love and his heart that only Kurt, the recipient and owner of the two, could cancel. It seemed fitting then, that Blaine would spend the eve of the end at the beginning.
As Blaine neared the final step, he noticed something out of place. A yellowing scrap of paper sat in the center of the last step. Blaine stopped above the final step and stooped to grab the discarded scrap, intent on dropping it in the nearest trash receptacle on his way out and back into the cold. The feel of the paper in his hand stirred his memory and riveted him to the spot. With trembling fingers, he unfolded the paper and read the time-faded words his heart had guided his hand to write so many years ago.
“You planned to ask right here…to marry me.”
Blaine turned on the stair to see Kurt walking down the staircase toward him, still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Before Blaine could speak, his brain finally registered the manila envelope held tight in Kurt’s hand. Had Kurt signed the papers? Was it really over?
“But sales at the boutique had been low,” Kurt continued, “and we’d just used our extra money to cover our rent and we couldn’t afford the trip here that Mother’s Day…”
Blaine nodded.
“You felt like that about me once…” Kurt nodded toward the paper still clutched in Blaine’s hand and the corners of Kurt’s mouth inched downward, as if he was resigning himself to a hard truth. “…like we were soul mates…from the first time you took my hand.” Kurt inhaled noticeably and took another step toward Blaine. “I-I let go of your hand, and I’m sorry. But I never left you. My heart never left. My soul never left. I just…I let my body and my mind get in the way.” Kurt desperately declared. Then, he clinched his eyes shut, swallowed, and with great effort, said, “You asked me in that coffee shop why I always run. I run for the reason anybody runs…I was scared.”
“Scared of what?” Blaine whispered, gaining his voice.
Kurt dropped his head. “Scared that I’d missed something. That by finding you so early in this lifetime, that I’d missed being pursued or wanted. “ He looked up. “But I was so happy to have found you that I ignored it, told myself I was being silly. But then…over the years I started telling myself that I hadn’t missed anything because there wasn’t anything for me to miss—apparently, no one else even wanted me. Then, I was scared for an entirely new reason…scared that you would realize that you didn’t want me either…that I wasn’t worthy of you.” Kurt fidgeted with the envelope in his hands. “For a long time I thought it was your job to make me feel worthy—compliment me a certain way, look at me a certain way, kiss me a certain way.” Kurt took two more steps toward Blaine. “But you did all that and I still didn’t feel worthy. Then I thought maybe…maybe he could make me feel worthy. If someone else wanted me, even if I didn’t want them, that would prove I was desirable…prove that you weren’t some special kind of crazy that you would snap out of and realize that you didn’t want me. But I’ve realized that no one else can make me feel worthy. I have to do that for myself. I have to be enough for me before I can believe I’m enough for you.” Kurt took one more step forward, leaving only one remaining step separating he and Blaine.
“Blaine, you have always loved me so fearlessly. I just want to be worthy of your courage. So…” Kurt’s voice trembled. “I’m trying for a little courage of my own.”
Kurt glanced at the envelope in his hands, then at the paper held in Blaine’s, then locked eyes with Blaine. “I don’t know if the words on that paper are still true for you, but I know that nothing else feels like the way you look at me. I know I can only face forever with your hand in mine. I know there are still parts of you I have yet to remember. And most importantly, I know that I didn’t miss anything: I found everything…when I found you.”
Kurt straightened himself to his full height, his chin pressed forward in that practiced superior way, but he still held Blaine’s gaze, and tears fell from his own eyes as he confessed, “I know that I am flawed, that I’ve made mistakes…I will make more mistakes. But I know that in every lifetime I have ever lived, I have only wanted to make mistakes with you, Blaine. Only you.”
Kurt’s hands shook as he slowly opened the manila folder and pulled out the papers. Blaine’s eyes went wide with recognition. Kurt wasn’t holding divorce papers: in his hand was their marriage license and the list of promises they’d made so many years ago and kept safe in an ornate box next to their bed.
Kurt clung to the papers like a lifeline as he spoke. “You chose me once. And we made promises…promises I intend to keep.” Kurt reached out and grabbed the hand in which Blaine held the yellowed scrap of paper, squeezing the would-be proposal between both their hands as he made a new proposal of his own. “If you still want to…choose to come back, in this lifetime, and spend it loving me.”
“Kurt.” Blaine took the final step, closing the distance between he and Kurt. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”
Kurt fell into Blaine, his arms locking into place across Blaine’s shoulders and Blaine’s arms going snug around Kurt’s waist, their lips meeting with the passion and depth shared only by the timeless souls of two eternal lovers reuniting in yet another life. They clicked right back into place, the force of it hitting them in their shared core, as if, in that moment, the Earth shifted, realigning with a reality that was true across all space and time: Kurt and Blaine were meant to hold each other. Both of them fearless. Forever.
***
The rest of the night was a delightful mixture of past, present, and future. Blaine took Kurt’s hand and they returned to the room where they shared their first conversation, coffee, and kiss and indulged in more of all three.
Kurt apologized for abusing Blaine’s trust.
Blaine apologized for refusing to listen, having been too afraid of what he might hear.
Kurt apologized for not trying hard enough to explain, having been too afraid of what he might lose.
Kurt had to drag Blaine back to his seat after explaining how Brimley had manipulated his way into their house and used their daughter as a pawn. “Honey, he’s not worth the jail time.”
Blaine promised to send Tiffany a bouquet of flowers and talked Kurt out of sending Mike a gift basket of Bertie’s messiest diapers. “He was just trying to help me.”
They laughed until they cried and cried until they laughed, until a night janitor came by and told them they had to leave.
Back at Carole’s house, snuggled in Kurt’s old bed, they clung to each other, Kurt’s head on Blaine’s chest and Blaine’s chin nuzzled into Kurt’s hair.
“You know…” Kurt whispered, his breath tickling Blaine’s chest. “I only have one regret.”
“Oh? What’s that?” Blaine said, stroking Kurt’s back.
“Not getting to hear you propose to me at the spot where we first met.”
“Mmm,” Blaine intoned, running his hand up Kurt’s back and into his hair. ”It may not be the place where we decided to get married, but I do love that it’s the place where I heard you tell me why we should stay married.” Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead, then chuckled. “It was a really good proposal wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you got to propose this time. It seems only fair that I do the honors next time.”
Kurt closed his eyes, his soul fluttering with memories and the promise of infinite futures with Blaine. Kurt smiled into Blaine’s chests. “Yeah. Next time.”
Blaine was lounging on the couch in the apartment, resting his still sore muscles from his night in the tree house and wasting time until Cooper was scheduled to arrive. He stared unseeing at the flat screen scanning through channels, his mind a jumble of words and images: Kurt in bed with the phone to his ear, “I loved the blazer…I still do,” Tori’s purple jacket atop the luggage, “I can’t survive on pieces of you,” Kurt whispering the three words Blaine most needed to hear to a dimming phone.
A Skype notification popped up in the corner of the TV screen and drew Blaine’s attention. As he sat up, he chuckled at the memory of “virtual cuddles” in his youth and marveled at what a couple of decades could do for technological advancement. Blaine tapped the remote to accept the video chat. The green light at the top center of the TV flashed on and his family appeared on the screen, Kurt with Bertie in his lap, Tori at his side, and Carole standing behind them where they sat on the couch.
“Happy Father’s Day!” They all chorused.
Blaine’s grin was so wide he was squinting. “Aww, thank you! And same to you, Kurt!”
“Thank you!” Kurt smiled. “We all wanted to say hello to the best father we know.” He grabbed Bertie’s chubby fist and waved it at the screen. “Say hello to Daddy.”
“Heddo Daddy!” Bertie called, reaching out for the screen.
“Hi, Daddy! Are you having a Happy Father’s Day? We miss you!” Tori rushed, excitedly.
“I miss you too, Sweetie.” Blaine held his hand to his heart. “I am having a good day, especially now. I’m just waiting on your Uncle Coop to come over. Actually, I was just thinking about all of you. How was the flight?”
Tori started prattling on about the flight, peanuts, and Bertie’s gassiness, but Blaine didn’t hear…he was studying Kurt’s face. Kurt, who wasn’t looking at Tori either, but whose eyes were locked on the screen—focused on Blaine. Tori giggled adorably and Blaine finally refocused his attention. Tori was now holding Bertie, bouncing him on her knee as the he shouted, “I lub you, Daddy!”
“Me too!” Tori called. “I love you too, Daddy!”
“I love you both, with all of my heart.”
“Alright, you two, why don’t you play with Grandma while your Daddy and I talk?” Kurt turned to Carole who nodded her head and reached out to grab Bertie from Tori.
“Come on you two, let’s go get a snack!”
Tori and Bertie began a chant of “Snack, snack, snack!” and disappeared from the screen.
Blaine watched as Kurt picked up his tablet from the coffee table, tapped it, and Blaine’s screen switched from a view of Carole’s living room to just Kurt’s face, still gorgeous even at the wonky angle he was getting due to how Kurt was holding his tablet.
Blaine grabbed his tablet and followed suit. “Hey stranger,” Blaine smiled at the screen.
“Hey, yourself,” Kurt snarked with a grin. Then, seriously, “Are you really having a good day? I feel horrible about you not being with the kids today.”
Blaine, emboldened by the events of the previous night, stepped out on a limb. “I am. It’s always a good day when I see the kids…and you.”
Kurt’s mouth fell open adorably. “You…you mean that?”
“Of course.” Blaine answered, sincerely.
Blaine could see Kurt sit down on the bed in his old bedroom.
“Well, you could come here?” Kurt gave a cautious smile. “I know Carole would love to see you…and…and the Dalton event next weekend. You could see the kids, and some of the Warbler guys…and…and me.” The last word was small and light on Kurt’s voice, his eyes averted from the screen.
“I’ll come to the event.” Blaine smiled. “It sounds nice.”
“Re-really? I mean don’t come if you don’t want to or because you feel some sort of obligation I mean—“
“Kurt.” Blaine cut in. “I want to come.”
“Oh…okay. Good.” Kurt’s eyes again found Blaine’s.
“Good.”
“Then…I’ll see you next weekend?”
“You’ll see me next weekend.” Blaine echoed.
Kurt, apparently not wanting to press his good fortune, had made some excuse to go, so they said their goodbyes and the screen of Blaine’s tablet went black, but somehow he knew Kurt was whispering the same three words at the screen as he was.
***
Cooper let himself in and found Blaine in the process of purchasing plane tickets.
“Why ya’ goin’ to Ohio, Squirt?” Cooper clapped Blaine on the back. “Going to visit Dad after all?”
“No, I’m going to see Kurt. And don’t call me Squirt.” Blaine shot Cooper a look.
“Oh, awesome!” Cooper exclaimed. “So you and the hubby are back on?”
“…not…yet.” Blaine parsed.
Cooper jumped over the back of the couch and landed, seated, beside Blaine and gave him an inquisitive look. “’Yet?’ What does that mean?”
“It means not yet, Cooper.” Blaine answered, flustered.
“But if you aren’t back together, then why spend $800 to go see him? Plus, isn’t he the one that was like…involved, or whatever with some guy? Shouldn’t he be coming to see you?”
Blaine sighed heavily and dropped his head. They sat like that for a few moments, Blaine’s eyes closed and head angled toward the floor. Cooper was looking at Blaine expectantly. Blaine finally lifted his head and labored over each word as if he was still wading through the murky waters of unformed thought. “I…I saw something and…I know he still loves me, he’s just…I don’t know…I mean, I walked out…I didn’t answer his calls for nearly a month—“
“But you said yourself that when you did answer he never wanted to talk about the real issues.” Cooper countered.
“It’s more than that, Coop. I think the phone calls were more than that…I mean…I sent him divorce papers and…he said to me once…the last time…” Blaine fell silent for a moment. “I think he’s trying to hold on to what he can the only way he knows how…and I, I just need to be there when he finally reaches out for more.” When not if, Blaine thought to himself.
“Well, little brother. That sounds pretty complicated so I’ll just leave all of that to you. He’s your husband.”
“Yes, yes he is.”
It had been great to don the blazer again and see all of the guys. There was nothing like a Warbler reunion. This one being the 200th made it extra special. The halls of Dalton were filled with generations upon generations of Warblers from white-haired men with the buttons of their blazers straining against their potbellies to young boys who were clearly experiencing their first year of proverbial rock stardom. During the cocktail hour, Blaine had thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Wes and David and hearing of their joint adventures on the board of a California corporation. Wes positively glowed as he described the gavel he got to use as chairperson of the board. During the dinner and program, Trent was affable as always, chatting animatedly about his legal career, entertaining their entire table with tales from his courtroom. After the program, Blaine ran into Nick and Jeff, both of whom had recently retired from stage performance and were taking up choir directing at different academic levels. Blaine suspected they would enjoy choosing who got the solos from now on.
Whenever anyone asked where Kurt was, Blaine responded the only way he could: “He should be around here somewhere. Have you seen him?” The answer was always no, followed by a pat on the back he was sure was meant to be comforting. The crowd was really dwindling and Blaine was running out of ways to justify sticking around. Of course he’d always planned to come to this event, but when he and Kurt had separated he’d decided he rather not attend, but then Kurt had seemed so adamant about it…had seemed to want him there…but Blaine was there and Kurt wasn’t. Blaine had misread. Kurt wasn’t coming.
Blaine straightened his blazer, waved goodbye to the last cluster of Warblers drunkenly harmonizing in a corner, and made for the exit, but not before taking one last shortcut.
The railing was cold and firm as Blaine descended the staircase, the tap of his shoe on each step echoing in the curve of the ornate dome looming above him. The slope and shape of that staircase were indelibly imprinted on his mind and inextricably linked to his heart. He could not number the times he and Kurt had traversed these worn steps hand in hand or shared a kiss at its feet. That staircase had led him to his love, had introduced his heart to the reason it beat. Nineteen days ago, Blaine had set an expiration date to that love and his heart that only Kurt, the recipient and owner of the two, could cancel. It seemed fitting then, that Blaine would spend the eve of the end at the beginning.
As Blaine neared the final step, he noticed something out of place. A yellowing scrap of paper sat in the center of the last step. Blaine stopped above the final step and stooped to grab the discarded scrap, intent on dropping it in the nearest trash receptacle on his way out and back into the cold. The feel of the paper in his hand stirred his memory and riveted him to the spot. With trembling fingers, he unfolded the paper and read the time-faded words his heart had guided his hand to write so many years ago.
“You planned to ask right here…to marry me.”
Blaine turned on the stair to see Kurt walking down the staircase toward him, still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Before Blaine could speak, his brain finally registered the manila envelope held tight in Kurt’s hand. Had Kurt signed the papers? Was it really over?
“But sales at the boutique had been low,” Kurt continued, “and we’d just used our extra money to cover our rent and we couldn’t afford the trip here that Mother’s Day…”
Blaine nodded.
“You felt like that about me once…” Kurt nodded toward the paper still clutched in Blaine’s hand and the corners of Kurt’s mouth inched downward, as if he was resigning himself to a hard truth. “…like we were soul mates…from the first time you took my hand.” Kurt inhaled noticeably and took another step toward Blaine. “I-I let go of your hand, and I’m sorry. But I never left you. My heart never left. My soul never left. I just…I let my body and my mind get in the way.” Kurt desperately declared. Then, he clinched his eyes shut, swallowed, and with great effort, said, “You asked me in that coffee shop why I always run. I run for the reason anybody runs…I was scared.”
“Scared of what?” Blaine whispered, gaining his voice.
Kurt dropped his head. “Scared that I’d missed something. That by finding you so early in this lifetime, that I’d missed being pursued or wanted. “ He looked up. “But I was so happy to have found you that I ignored it, told myself I was being silly. But then…over the years I started telling myself that I hadn’t missed anything because there wasn’t anything for me to miss—apparently, no one else even wanted me. Then, I was scared for an entirely new reason…scared that you would realize that you didn’t want me either…that I wasn’t worthy of you.” Kurt fidgeted with the envelope in his hands. “For a long time I thought it was your job to make me feel worthy—compliment me a certain way, look at me a certain way, kiss me a certain way.” Kurt took two more steps toward Blaine. “But you did all that and I still didn’t feel worthy. Then I thought maybe…maybe he could make me feel worthy. If someone else wanted me, even if I didn’t want them, that would prove I was desirable…prove that you weren’t some special kind of crazy that you would snap out of and realize that you didn’t want me. But I’ve realized that no one else can make me feel worthy. I have to do that for myself. I have to be enough for me before I can believe I’m enough for you.” Kurt took one more step forward, leaving only one remaining step separating he and Blaine.
“Blaine, you have always loved me so fearlessly. I just want to be worthy of your courage. So…” Kurt’s voice trembled. “I’m trying for a little courage of my own.”
Kurt glanced at the envelope in his hands, then at the paper held in Blaine’s, then locked eyes with Blaine. “I don’t know if the words on that paper are still true for you, but I know that nothing else feels like the way you look at me. I know I can only face forever with your hand in mine. I know there are still parts of you I have yet to remember. And most importantly, I know that I didn’t miss anything: I found everything…when I found you.”
Kurt straightened himself to his full height, his chin pressed forward in that practiced superior way, but he still held Blaine’s gaze, and tears fell from his own eyes as he confessed, “I know that I am flawed, that I’ve made mistakes…I will make more mistakes. But I know that in every lifetime I have ever lived, I have only wanted to make mistakes with you, Blaine. Only you.”
Kurt’s hands shook as he slowly opened the manila folder and pulled out the papers. Blaine’s eyes went wide with recognition. Kurt wasn’t holding divorce papers: in his hand was their marriage license and the list of promises they’d made so many years ago and kept safe in an ornate box next to their bed.
Kurt clung to the papers like a lifeline as he spoke. “You chose me once. And we made promises…promises I intend to keep.” Kurt reached out and grabbed the hand in which Blaine held the yellowed scrap of paper, squeezing the would-be proposal between both their hands as he made a new proposal of his own. “If you still want to…choose to come back, in this lifetime, and spend it loving me.”
“Kurt.” Blaine took the final step, closing the distance between he and Kurt. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”
Kurt fell into Blaine, his arms locking into place across Blaine’s shoulders and Blaine’s arms going snug around Kurt’s waist, their lips meeting with the passion and depth shared only by the timeless souls of two eternal lovers reuniting in yet another life. They clicked right back into place, the force of it hitting them in their shared core, as if, in that moment, the Earth shifted, realigning with a reality that was true across all space and time: Kurt and Blaine were meant to hold each other. Both of them fearless. Forever.
***
The rest of the night was a delightful mixture of past, present, and future. Blaine took Kurt’s hand and they returned to the room where they shared their first conversation, coffee, and kiss and indulged in more of all three.
Kurt apologized for abusing Blaine’s trust.
Blaine apologized for refusing to listen, having been too afraid of what he might hear.
Kurt apologized for not trying hard enough to explain, having been too afraid of what he might lose.
Kurt had to drag Blaine back to his seat after explaining how Brimley had manipulated his way into their house and used their daughter as a pawn. “Honey, he’s not worth the jail time.”
Blaine promised to send Tiffany a bouquet of flowers and talked Kurt out of sending Mike a gift basket of Bertie’s messiest diapers. “He was just trying to help me.”
They laughed until they cried and cried until they laughed, until a night janitor came by and told them they had to leave.
Back at Carole’s house, snuggled in Kurt’s old bed, they clung to each other, Kurt’s head on Blaine’s chest and Blaine’s chin nuzzled into Kurt’s hair.
“You know…” Kurt whispered, his breath tickling Blaine’s chest. “I only have one regret.”
“Oh? What’s that?” Blaine said, stroking Kurt’s back.
“Not getting to hear you propose to me at the spot where we first met.”
“Mmm,” Blaine intoned, running his hand up Kurt’s back and into his hair. ”It may not be the place where we decided to get married, but I do love that it’s the place where I heard you tell me why we should stay married.” Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead, then chuckled. “It was a really good proposal wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you got to propose this time. It seems only fair that I do the honors next time.”
Kurt closed his eyes, his soul fluttering with memories and the promise of infinite futures with Blaine. Kurt smiled into Blaine’s chests. “Yeah. Next time.”
Blaine was lounging on the couch in the apartment, resting his still sore muscles from his night in the tree house and wasting time until Cooper was scheduled to arrive. He stared unseeing at the flat screen scanning through channels, his mind a jumble of words and images: Kurt in bed with the phone to his ear, “I loved the blazer…I still do,” Tori’s purple jacket atop the luggage, “I can’t survive on pieces of you,” Kurt whispering the three words Blaine most needed to hear to a dimming phone.
A Skype notification popped up in the corner of the TV screen and drew Blaine’s attention. As he sat up, he chuckled at the memory of “virtual cuddles” in his youth and marveled at what a couple of decades could do for technological advancement. Blaine tapped the remote to accept the video chat. The green light at the top center of the TV flashed on and his family appeared on the screen, Kurt with Bertie in his lap, Tori at his side, and Carole standing behind them where they sat on the couch.
“Happy Father’s Day!” They all chorused.
Blaine’s grin was so wide he was squinting. “Aww, thank you! And same to you, Kurt!”
“Thank you!” Kurt smiled. “We all wanted to say hello to the best father we know.” He grabbed Bertie’s chubby fist and waved it at the screen. “Say hello to Daddy.”
“Heddo Daddy!” Bertie called, reaching out for the screen.
“Hi, Daddy! Are you having a Happy Father’s Day? We miss you!” Tori rushed, excitedly.
“I miss you too, Sweetie.” Blaine held his hand to his heart. “I am having a good day, especially now. I’m just waiting on your Uncle Coop to come over. Actually, I was just thinking about all of you. How was the flight?”
Tori started prattling on about the flight, peanuts, and Bertie’s gassiness, but Blaine didn’t hear…he was studying Kurt’s face. Kurt, who wasn’t looking at Tori either, but whose eyes were locked on the screen—focused on Blaine. Tori giggled adorably and Blaine finally refocused his attention. Tori was now holding Bertie, bouncing him on her knee as the he shouted, “I lub you, Daddy!”
“Me too!” Tori called. “I love you too, Daddy!”
“I love you both, with all of my heart.”
“Alright, you two, why don’t you play with Grandma while your Daddy and I talk?” Kurt turned to Carole who nodded her head and reached out to grab Bertie from Tori.
“Come on you two, let’s go get a snack!”
Tori and Bertie began a chant of “Snack, snack, snack!” and disappeared from the screen.
Blaine watched as Kurt picked up his tablet from the coffee table, tapped it, and Blaine’s screen switched from a view of Carole’s living room to just Kurt’s face, still gorgeous even at the wonky angle he was getting due to how Kurt was holding his tablet.
Blaine grabbed his tablet and followed suit. “Hey stranger,” Blaine smiled at the screen.
“Hey, yourself,” Kurt snarked with a grin. Then, seriously, “Are you really having a good day? I feel horrible about you not being with the kids today.”
Blaine, emboldened by the events of the previous night, stepped out on a limb. “I am. It’s always a good day when I see the kids…and you.”
Kurt’s mouth fell open adorably. “You…you mean that?”
“Of course.” Blaine answered, sincerely.
Blaine could see Kurt sit down on the bed in his old bedroom.
“Well, you could come here?” Kurt gave a cautious smile. “I know Carole would love to see you…and…and the Dalton event next weekend. You could see the kids, and some of the Warbler guys…and…and me.” The last word was small and light on Kurt’s voice, his eyes averted from the screen.
“I’ll come to the event.” Blaine smiled. “It sounds nice.”
“Re-really? I mean don’t come if you don’t want to or because you feel some sort of obligation I mean—“
“Kurt.” Blaine cut in. “I want to come.”
“Oh…okay. Good.” Kurt’s eyes again found Blaine’s.
“Good.”
“Then…I’ll see you next weekend?”
“You’ll see me next weekend.” Blaine echoed.
Kurt, apparently not wanting to press his good fortune, had made some excuse to go, so they said their goodbyes and the screen of Blaine’s tablet went black, but somehow he knew Kurt was whispering the same three words at the screen as he was.
***
Cooper let himself in and found Blaine in the process of purchasing plane tickets.
“Why ya’ goin’ to Ohio, Squirt?” Cooper clapped Blaine on the back. “Going to visit Dad after all?”
“No, I’m going to see Kurt. And don’t call me Squirt.” Blaine shot Cooper a look.
“Oh, awesome!” Cooper exclaimed. “So you and the hubby are back on?”
“…not…yet.” Blaine parsed.
Cooper jumped over the back of the couch and landed, seated, beside Blaine and gave him an inquisitive look. “’Yet?’ What does that mean?”
“It means not yet, Cooper.” Blaine answered, flustered.
“But if you aren’t back together, then why spend $800 to go see him? Plus, isn’t he the one that was like…involved, or whatever with some guy? Shouldn’t he be coming to see you?”
Blaine sighed heavily and dropped his head. They sat like that for a few moments, Blaine’s eyes closed and head angled toward the floor. Cooper was looking at Blaine expectantly. Blaine finally lifted his head and labored over each word as if he was still wading through the murky waters of unformed thought. “I…I saw something and…I know he still loves me, he’s just…I don’t know…I mean, I walked out…I didn’t answer his calls for nearly a month—“
“But you said yourself that when you did answer he never wanted to talk about the real issues.” Cooper countered.
“It’s more than that, Coop. I think the phone calls were more than that…I mean…I sent him divorce papers and…he said to me once…the last time…” Blaine fell silent for a moment. “I think he’s trying to hold on to what he can the only way he knows how…and I, I just need to be there when he finally reaches out for more.” When not if, Blaine thought to himself.
“Well, little brother. That sounds pretty complicated so I’ll just leave all of that to you. He’s your husband.”
“Yes, yes he is.”
It had been great to don the blazer again and see all of the guys. There was nothing like a Warbler reunion. This one being the 200th made it extra special. The halls of Dalton were filled with generations upon generations of Warblers from white-haired men with the buttons of their blazers straining against their potbellies to young boys who were clearly experiencing their first year of proverbial rock stardom. During the cocktail hour, Blaine had thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Wes and David and hearing of their joint adventures on the board of a California corporation. Wes positively glowed as he described the gavel he got to use as chairperson of the board. During the dinner and program, Trent was affable as always, chatting animatedly about his legal career, entertaining their entire table with tales from his courtroom. After the program, Blaine ran into Nick and Jeff, both of whom had recently retired from stage performance and were taking up choir directing at different academic levels. Blaine suspected they would enjoy choosing who got the solos from now on.
Whenever anyone asked where Kurt was, Blaine responded the only way he could: “He should be around here somewhere. Have you seen him?” The answer was always no, followed by a pat on the back he was sure was meant to be comforting. The crowd was really dwindling and Blaine was running out of ways to justify sticking around. Of course he’d always planned to come to this event, but when he and Kurt had separated he’d decided he rather not attend, but then Kurt had seemed so adamant about it…had seemed to want him there…but Blaine was there and Kurt wasn’t. Blaine had misread. Kurt wasn’t coming.
Blaine straightened his blazer, waved goodbye to the last cluster of Warblers drunkenly harmonizing in a corner, and made for the exit, but not before taking one last shortcut.
The railing was cold and firm as Blaine descended the staircase, the tap of his shoe on each step echoing in the curve of the ornate dome looming above him. The slope and shape of that staircase were indelibly imprinted on his mind and inextricably linked to his heart. He could not number the times he and Kurt had traversed these worn steps hand in hand or shared a kiss at its feet. That staircase had led him to his love, had introduced his heart to the reason it beat. Nineteen days ago, Blaine had set an expiration date to that love and his heart that only Kurt, the recipient and owner of the two, could cancel. It seemed fitting then, that Blaine would spend the eve of the end at the beginning.
As Blaine neared the final step, he noticed something out of place. A yellowing scrap of paper sat in the center of the last step. Blaine stopped above the final step and stooped to grab the discarded scrap, intent on dropping it in the nearest trash receptacle on his way out and back into the cold. The feel of the paper in his hand stirred his memory and riveted him to the spot. With trembling fingers, he unfolded the paper and read the time-faded words his heart had guided his hand to write so many years ago.
“You planned to ask right here…to marry me.”
Blaine turned on the stair to see Kurt walking down the staircase toward him, still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Before Blaine could speak, his brain finally registered the manila envelope held tight in Kurt’s hand. Had Kurt signed the papers? Was it really over?
“But sales at the boutique had been low,” Kurt continued, “and we’d just used our extra money to cover our rent and we couldn’t afford the trip here that Mother’s Day…”
Blaine nodded.
“You felt like that about me once…” Kurt nodded toward the paper still clutched in Blaine’s hand and the corners of Kurt’s mouth inched downward, as if he was resigning himself to a hard truth. “…like we were soul mates…from the first time you took my hand.” Kurt inhaled noticeably and took another step toward Blaine. “I-I let go of your hand, and I’m sorry. But I never left you. My heart never left. My soul never left. I just…I let my body and my mind get in the way.” Kurt desperately declared. Then, he clinched his eyes shut, swallowed, and with great effort, said, “You asked me in that coffee shop why I always run. I run for the reason anybody runs…I was scared.”
“Scared of what?” Blaine whispered, gaining his voice.
Kurt dropped his head. “Scared that I’d missed something. That by finding you so early in this lifetime, that I’d missed being pursued or wanted. “ He looked up. “But I was so happy to have found you that I ignored it, told myself I was being silly. But then…over the years I started telling myself that I hadn’t missed anything because there wasn’t anything for me to miss—apparently, no one else even wanted me. Then, I was scared for an entirely new reason…scared that you would realize that you didn’t want me either…that I wasn’t worthy of you.” Kurt fidgeted with the envelope in his hands. “For a long time I thought it was your job to make me feel worthy—compliment me a certain way, look at me a certain way, kiss me a certain way.” Kurt took two more steps toward Blaine. “But you did all that and I still didn’t feel worthy. Then I thought maybe…maybe he could make me feel worthy. If someone else wanted me, even if I didn’t want them, that would prove I was desirable…prove that you weren’t some special kind of crazy that you would snap out of and realize that you didn’t want me. But I’ve realized that no one else can make me feel worthy. I have to do that for myself. I have to be enough for me before I can believe I’m enough for you.” Kurt took one more step forward, leaving only one remaining step separating he and Blaine.
“Blaine, you have always loved me so fearlessly. I just want to be worthy of your courage. So…” Kurt’s voice trembled. “I’m trying for a little courage of my own.”
Kurt glanced at the envelope in his hands, then at the paper held in Blaine’s, then locked eyes with Blaine. “I don’t know if the words on that paper are still true for you, but I know that nothing else feels like the way you look at me. I know I can only face forever with your hand in mine. I know there are still parts of you I have yet to remember. And most importantly, I know that I didn’t miss anything: I found everything…when I found you.”
Kurt straightened himself to his full height, his chin pressed forward in that practiced superior way, but he still held Blaine’s gaze, and tears fell from his own eyes as he confessed, “I know that I am flawed, that I’ve made mistakes…I will make more mistakes. But I know that in every lifetime I have ever lived, I have only wanted to make mistakes with you, Blaine. Only you.”
Kurt’s hands shook as he slowly opened the manila folder and pulled out the papers. Blaine’s eyes went wide with recognition. Kurt wasn’t holding divorce papers: in his hand was their marriage license and the list of promises they’d made so many years ago and kept safe in an ornate box next to their bed.
Kurt clung to the papers like a lifeline as he spoke. “You chose me once. And we made promises…promises I intend to keep.” Kurt reached out and grabbed the hand in which Blaine held the yellowed scrap of paper, squeezing the would-be proposal between both their hands as he made a new proposal of his own. “If you still want to…choose to come back, in this lifetime, and spend it loving me.”
“Kurt.” Blaine took the final step, closing the distance between he and Kurt. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”
Kurt fell into Blaine, his arms locking into place across Blaine’s shoulders and Blaine’s arms going snug around Kurt’s waist, their lips meeting with the passion and depth shared only by the timeless souls of two eternal lovers reuniting in yet another life. They clicked right back into place, the force of it hitting them in their shared core, as if, in that moment, the Earth shifted, realigning with a reality that was true across all space and time: Kurt and Blaine were meant to hold each other. Both of them fearless. Forever.
***
The rest of the night was a delightful mixture of past, present, and future. Blaine took Kurt’s hand and they returned to the room where they shared their first conversation, coffee, and kiss and indulged in more of all three.
Kurt apologized for abusing Blaine’s trust.
Blaine apologized for refusing to listen, having been too afraid of what he might hear.
Kurt apologized for not trying hard enough to explain, having been too afraid of what he might lose.
Kurt had to drag Blaine back to his seat after explaining how Brimley had manipulated his way into their house and used their daughter as a pawn. “Honey, he’s not worth the jail time.”
Blaine promised to send Tiffany a bouquet of flowers and talked Kurt out of sending Mike a gift basket of Bertie’s messiest diapers. “He was just trying to help me.”
They laughed until they cried and cried until they laughed, until a night janitor came by and told them they had to leave.
Back at Carole’s house, snuggled in Kurt’s old bed, they clung to each other, Kurt’s head on Blaine’s chest and Blaine’s chin nuzzled into Kurt’s hair.
“You know…” Kurt whispered, his breath tickling Blaine’s chest. “I only have one regret.”
“Oh? What’s that?” Blaine said, stroking Kurt’s back.
“Not getting to hear you propose to me at the spot where we first met.”
“Mmm,” Blaine intoned, running his hand up Kurt’s back and into his hair. ”It may not be the place where we decided to get married, but I do love that it’s the place where I heard you tell me why we should stay married.” Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead, then chuckled. “It was a really good proposal wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you got to propose this time. It seems only fair that I do the honors next time.”
Kurt closed his eyes, his soul fluttering with memories and the promise of infinite futures with Blaine. Kurt smiled into Blaine’s chests. “Yeah. Next time.”