Chapter Eighteen

"Oooo, do I hear the VMAs being turned on?" Kurt called through from the kitchen. He stuck his head out around the corner excitedly. "I can't wait to see Lady Gaga's outfit!"

Rachel flashed him a nervous smile but he didn't seem to notice her uneasiness. "Oh, don't worry! You will!"

She cringed and quickly turned her back on him. She hated lying. Not that she was lying per se, but she was sure that Kurt wouldn't give a damn about Lady Gaga's outfit once he saw Blaine's performance.

Rachel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She was starting to panic. What if Kurt just stormed away, angry by what he saw, or worse still, turned the TV off? What if Blaine didn't get to perform how he wanted to? What if somebody stopped him? What if Hunter managed to make it onto the stage after all? What if..? Oh! Oh! Oh! It was just too stressful! It was horrible not being able to control what was happening. There were too many elements and factors to consider in this situation, and therefore too many things that could go wrong.

Rachel tried to relax and gently shook her body to loosen the muscles in her shoulders and neck. The atmosphere around her was quite merry and jovial, but then Sam and Mercedes were completely in the dark about what was about to take place. Sam had arrived while she had been out buying snacks. He was now occupying his time between playing his guitar and singing during the advertisement breaks, and helping Mercedes pack when the boring interviews came on. Unfortunately for their packing regime, there weren't too many boring interviews and he spent most of the time making sassy comments and admiring his idols.

Rachel had desperately wanted to tell them what was going on but she hadn't had the time to get them out of Kurt's earshot, and now, while the pair might be giggling away in Mercedes' bedroom and Kurt was in the kitchen, time was running out. Very soon, Blaine was going to walk out onto the stage, and she was paranoid that Kurt would miss him. So, instead of running to Mercedes' room to fill them in, Rachel stayed put and glanced frantically back and forth between the TV and the clock wishing for Finn to return. It was too much pressure on her shoulders to ensure that everything went right.

As if he had just read Rachel's mind, Finn opened the front door and stepped inside. He gave Rachel a soft smile and a nod of the head and her insides instantly warmed. She had no idea where she would be if he hadn't stumbled into her life when he had.

He was closely followed by Kevin, and in stark contrast to Finn, his face was ashen and full of despair. He could barely meet her eyes. Rachel's heart broke for the poor man. She gave him a large, sympathetic smile that he tried to return but without much luck, and watched him sink dejectedly onto the sofa.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.

Kevin shrugged, "As best as I can be, I guess." She patted his knee gently and he continued, "I'm just going to stay and make sure Kurt watches this thing, and then I'll go get whatever stuff is mine and be on my way."

A lump formed in Rachel's throat at his words. She didn't know what she could say to console him but maybe that was the way it was meant to be, maybe just at that moment in time, there were no words that were meant to soothe his broken heart. Broken hearts, Rachel believed, could only be nurtured back to health over time, lots and lots of time.

"Ah! Everyone's here!" Sam announced merrily. He walked straight into the room, his arms wrapped around a large box. He dumped it beside the door and turned to face everyone. "I say we order pizza."

Rachel jumped, her phone suddenly vibrating in her pocket. She pulled it out and glanced nervously at its screen.

'3mins...'

It was all that Santana's message said. She quickly showed it to Finn, trying to ignore the fact that Kevin was watching her every move.

"Hmm, I think a large Meatlovers sounds good," Mercedes agreed pulling Sam down to join her on the sofa where she had decided to take a rest next to Kevin.

"Shhh!" Finn hissed fiercely. It was such a sharp, unexpected sound both Mercedes and Sam stopped in shock.

"Kurt!" Rachel called trying to stop her voice from shaking. "Kurt! Lady Gaga is on next!"

"Will be right there!" Kurt's casual and happy response came. They heard him pick up his pace but he still didn't appear.

Sam looked around in confusion. He noted Kevin's dismayed and saddened face, he noted Rachel's nervous fiddling fingers in her short hair and Finn's edgy, on the spot pacing. "What's going on guys?"

All three looked at Mercedes and Sam mid fluster. They wanted to share, but now, with one hundred percent certainty they were out of time. The TV flicked back to the VMAs and Rachel gasped as she saw Blaine step out onto the stage. She jumped to her feet but she needn't worry for Finn had beaten her to it and was already sprinting over to the kitchen.

A yelp was heard and then Kurt was pushed forcefully into the lounge room, one hand holding a bowl of popcorn, the other holding a tub of chocolate chip ice cream.

"Okay, okay!" he cried to Finn who was still steering him by the shoulders into the middle of the lounge. "I didn't know you wanted me to watch Lady Gaga so much!"

Finn didn't answer. He just kept shoving until Kurt was standing in the middle of the room right in front of the TV.

"Gee, if I'd known you were such a Gaga fan I would have gotten you tickets to her last concert," Kurt snapped.

He stopped then, realizing that the whole room had become silent and was watching him in anticipation. He did a full circle looking at each of them in turn, getting worried by their pensive and fraught expressions. Even Sam and Mercedes knew this wasn't going to be good once they saw who had appeared.

Blaine Anderson's voice suddenly came through the speakers.

Kurt didn't even think, he spun on the spot and faced the TV at the sound of his voice. All he could do was stare at the image of Blaine in front of him. He was paralyzed to the spot.

From the moment that Blaine stepped out onto the stage, he morphed even further into the very creature that his fans adored. He was a rock star, a shiny beacon of hope that people looked up to, worshipped, envied and dreamt of meeting. He was their escape from reality, the place where they could forget their troubles, forget their hectic and stress filled lives, where his music was able to seize them and whisk them away on one adventure after another.

He strode with his hips swaying saucily in his tight, leather pants. His posture radiated charisma and confidence, seduction and lust, temptation and danger. He puffed out his chest even further, spun a fancy twirl on the stage and flicked his hips to show off his butt, glancing over his shoulder to look at the audience and give them a wink. Blaine Anderson was in his element and nothing, absolutely nothing or nobody was going to stop him. But unlike anything his fans had ever seen before, Blaine Anderson was a rock star who was about to do something different, he was a rock star who was about to change.

"Evening," he spoke deeply and sultry into the microphone. He swung his sunglasses off and threw them carelessly onto the stage and gazed out into the lights, ignoring the frantic and worried voices coming through his earpiece. The people running the show were in a panic. Hunter was missing and now Blaine had taken to the stage. All of a sudden, they had no idea what was about to take place.

"Looks like there's going to be a change of plans tonight as I appear to have lost the other half of my act," Blaine looked behind him as if he was trying to find Hunter. "So guys upstairs, controlling all the buttons and cameras, and you guys out here, don't worry," he gave the camera a sexy wink. "I've got it all under control. I'm going to shake things up and I'm going to sing something new."

The audience screamed at his words. Nobody would ever mind hearing a new song from Blaine Anderson.

"I won't lie," Blaine shared, moving over to the piano as he spoke taking the microphone with him. "It's a little different and it's something that I wrote myself." The crowd went crazy again and Blaine settled on the piano bench, swiveling his body gently over its seat to get comfortable. He waited for the arena to quiet, until a hush fell as everyone waited in anticipation for what Blaine was going to do next. But before Blaine began, he had just a few more words to share.

He coughed clearing his throat, "I'd like to dedicate this song to someone I met a few months ago, someone special, a person who blew mind away. Things got really messed up and I want them to know that I'm sorry, ever so sorry and if there's any way that they can forgive me and can find it in their heart to give me a second chance, well, I'm here waiting."

Blaine waited for the cheering and wolf whistles to quieten down before he laid his fingers gently over the keys of the piano. He closed his eyes for one second, and then, he started to play.

Kurt's world seemed to collapse into him. Time stood still in his realm while Blaine spoke, his eyes locking through the lens as if he was talking to Kurt and Kurt alone. Kurt had tried to ignore all the Blaine Anderson songs he had heard on the radio, had turned a blind eye to the abundant of magazine covers on the shelves and had even flatly refused to read any interviews online over the past three months. Kurt had effectively tried to wipe the man's connection to him in any emotional way. But tonight, tonight only proved how Kurt still hadn't been able to distance himself from Blaine. As soon as Blaine had started speaking candidly, Kurt had been drawn to him, unable to do anything else but turn and watch the screen. Kurt wanted to slap himself for being so careless, and for acting in such a stupid way in front of Kevin. Of course Blaine would be performing tonight! But Kurt had been so busy with the moving plans he hadn't even given the VMAs a thought until Rachel had turned the TV on.

Kurt's shoulders slumped. It was the same voice, the same eyes and the same face that had torn his heart apart, and at first Blaine's words didn't even register but once he got over the initial shock of suddenly seeing and hearing him, and time caught up with him, Blaine's words began to sink in, a new song? For someone special? After things went crazy?

Wait...

What?!

Was Blaine talking about him? Was he the very person that Blaine had met a couple of months ago and had messed up with? Or was Blaine secretly sending a message to Sebastian? Was Blaine still connected to the despicable man? Kurt's insides churned. Or even worse still, was Blaine talking about yet another person with whom he had been romantically involved with?

Kurt placed the popcorn down onto the coffee table deciding that the ice cream was the better emotional comforter out of the two. He shoved a large spoonful into his mouth, ignoring the way his mouth immediately burned.

As Blaine's fingers began to play over the first few notes, he leaned close to the microphone and spoke one last time before he began to sing, "It's called Skin on Skin. I hope you enjoy."

Kurt's spoon fell out of his mouth and clattered to the ground. He sunk to his knees directly in front of the TV, his gaze never faltering. He had even forgotten that he was not alone in the room.

Blaine played, and right from the start Kurt was mesmerized by the music. Anyone listening would know from the very first stanza that this was going to be a very different piece of music from Blaine Anderson. The song was beautiful, the piano music whimsical, poetic, recapturing the emotional state that Kurt had felt as he stood looking out over the canyon that Blaine had taken him to, and where they had stood hand in hand. But the lyrics, the lyrics were very clever, there were all about Kurt, about the both of them, about what they had experienced and the love they had started to build together. Anyone else listening would not understand entirely, but Kurt could.

And just like their relationship that had begun with excitement and lust, the mood changed to build to a smooth crescendo where Blaine didn't sing and only the piano filled the void between them. Kurt let Blaine lure him in further, and for one short moment, Kurt was back stargazing on the roof of the car, lying on the rocks inside the canyon, drinking wine on the rooftop, and kissing and holding Blaine in his bed. It was all there, laced and intertwined in the lyrics of the song.

All of a sudden, tragically, it was over. A silence echoed through the TV as the entire nation sat in shock at the beauty that had just escaped Blaine's mouth. And then, almost instantaneously the audience awoke from the spell he had cast and the arena erupted into applause.

Blaine nodded to the camera solemnly and leaned to the microphone again, "Enjoy the rest of your evening folks." And with that, he left the piano and walked off the stage.

Santana greeted him in the wings. She didn't say anything but threw her arms around his body and didn't even try to wipe the tears that had started to streak her face. "It was perfect, Blaine. Perfect!"

Kurt and Mercedes' lounge room remained quiet, no one knowing what to say or what to do, but all eyes were suddenly on the back of Kurt's head. Kurt sat, his body a statue, for nearly half a minute before he came to his senses. He pulled his hand away from the screen that he hadn't even realized he had lifted and slowly rose to his feet. They held their breaths, curious, frantic and desperate to know what he was thinking. Kurt slowly turned and they all pulled back as they saw the undeniable picture of anger shinning forth from his face.

"Did you all know about this?" Kurt asked his voice barely a whisper.

Mercedes and Sam instantly shook their heads while Finn and Rachel continued to stand guilty. Kevin, Kevin wouldn't even look at him.

Finn was the first to speak.

"Okay, I can see that you're not happy," he stuttered holding his hands up in front of his body worriedly. He tilted his head to the side, "but is it a good angry or a bad angry?"

Kurt ignored him and instead turned to face Kevin. Kevin, hopeless and deflated, looked like he had just lost a battle. It was all over now, that much was true, Kevin believed, for he had just lost Kurt and there was nothing he could do about it.

Suddenly Kurt couldn't breathe. The pressure of everyone's eyes bearing down on him was too much. He needed to try and comprehend what had just happened on his own. So he did the only thing his instincts could tell him: He ran.

"I need air," he muttered, and before anyone could react he fled to his room and slammed the door shut behind him.

He paced the width of his room, furiously spinning on his heels whenever he reached one side and couldn't go any further. The song, it was amazing, there was no doubt about that. It was...all about Kurt, all about Blaine and him. It was everything from Blaine's heart. Kurt's memories flashed back to the first night they shared together and the words that they had exchanged.

"You know what one of the most intimate things in the world is?" Blaine had spoken. "It's the time after the fucking for me, when it's just skin on skin; real body contact. You know, when you're still catching your breath and you're holding onto each other, in the lull, just like right now," Blaine had explained.

Kurt's heart began to pound in his chest as he remembered more.

"It's now, now's the time where you can really feel the pleasure of being with another person and feel the gratitude of knowing what you just shared..."

Those words... They had been in the song. Blaine's song had indeed been ignited during the time where they had been in each other's arms, the seed planted by Kurt's very own words, "Now that would be a rock song," Kurt had said, and Blaine, Blaine had remembered.

It was too much to take in, too much for his heart to process. It was so chivalrous, so romantic, but then Kurt's blood pressure rose again. How could he?! How could Blaine be so presumptuous? How could he think he could get away with doing something like that? Wasn't he aware of what it would do to Kurt?

Kurt collapsed onto his bed and dropped his head into his hands. He had never been more confused in his life. Just what on Earth was he supposed to do now?

There was a soft knock on his door and Kurt's head shot up. Of course, Kurt had all but forgotten his friends, his friends who had obviously played their part in all of this. Before Kurt could retaliate, the door opened and Mercedes cautiously entered his room.

"So, this how my friends treat me?" Kurt snapped pushing himself up and off the bed. "You group together and conspire against me? Betray me?"

Mercedes shook her head. He looked frantic, like a wild animal as he fumed. "I didn't have any part in today. I had no idea that that was going to happen," she said softly not wanting to spark his anger further.

Kurt's stance softened slightly, and Mercedes took it as an invitation to continue, "Kurt, can we speak?" She dared to step into the middle of his path. "Did you like the song?"

Kurt's mouth hung open and then he quickly snapped, "Of course I liked the song! But, but..." He started to pace again, stepping around her so he could reach the other side of the room. His hands went into the air, and he proceeded with the most disjointed and emotional rant she had ever heard from the usually calm and eloquent Kurt Hummel. "Mercedes!" he cried. "What am I supposed to do? The song! THE SONG! It was incredible. Of course it was written to win me over. But how could he do that? It's amazing, and of course I love it, but what does he expect me to do? I can't just run to him. I can't just... and now that I'm angry, that makes me the bad guy? Like I'm the horrible one? I'm being inconsiderate because I'm mad, even though he has stepped in and ruined everything?!"

"Shh, he hasn't ruined anything," Mercedes soothed, and she continued again before Kurt could. "There's something I want to show you."

"What?! What could you possibly show me to make any of this better?" Kurt asked his mind still whirling out of control.

Mercedes brought her hands round to the front of her body that Kurt had only just noticed she had kept behind her back. She held out a book towards Kurt. Kurt looked at it, speechless. He wasn't too sure what he was to make of it. Was this some other twisted joke that was being pulled on him? It was titled "Ride on Cowboy: A Collection of Cowboy inspired Erotic Gay Short Stories."

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Kurt spat.

"Open it."

Still bewildered, Kurt sighed and snatched the book out of her fingers so he could flick swiftly through its pages. He gave her a hard glare. He was still non-the-wiser.

"Go through the pages slowly," she instructed.

Kurt sighed one more time but obeyed.

"I found this the day that Blaine left. I didn't even look inside, and I thought you would just throw it out. I knew it had to be Blaine's. You don't own things like this, well, not that I know of."

"You kept it?!" Kurt asked with a raised eyebrow thrown in her direction.

She laughed shyly. "Some of the stories are quite good." Mercedes laughed again when Kurt gave her another surprised look. "Just keep going," she added.

The first couple of pages revealed nothing in particular, just the contents page listing the stories and notes from the editor. But then, as he continued to thumb through, Kurt's heart constricted, his knees went weak and he sank to the floor. There in the margins of the pages were scrawled notes and words written by Blaine. Some were just words where others were sentences that were either unfinished or completed in whole. But there were several that stood out. Some of the sentences had been used as lyrics in the song.

Kurt swallowed the lump in his throat. His mind was on overload. For the past three months all Kurt had believed was that Blaine had played him. That their time together had meant nothing, but there on paper it showed that Blaine had started to put his feelings down on paper, that he had felt something genuine and real.

"It looks like Blaine had been moved so much by your weekend together that he had to write down ideas that came to him," Mercedes said softly joining Kurt on the floor. "That weekend obviously meant something to him. He might not have realized it at the time, but he started writing that song right back then, way before he knew anything was going to go down between you, him, and Sebastian.

Tears flooded Kurt's eyes. But then, all of a sudden he was angry again and he threw the book onto his bed.

"What am I supposed to do, Mercedes?" Kurt asked grappling to his feet where he began to pace yet again.

"What does your gut tell you?"

"Mercedes!" Kurt cried falling to his knees before her, his actions sporadic and random. "I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, who, who just last night told me he loved me!"

'Oh, shit," Mercedes said to herself. She plowed ahead though, taking full advantage of this moment where Kurt had opened up and was willing to talk about that frightful day three months ago. "You know, there's one thing that still sticks out from that day, when everything went bad between you and Blaine. And you can correct me if I'm wrong, but you mentioned once that throughout that whole weekend you never had sex with Blaine, right? That you only fooled around."

"Yeah?" Kurt asked in confusion.

"So why would Blaine send you a text thanking you for a fuck when you guys didn't?" She paused hoping she wasn't stirring too many bad memories. "Don't you think that's a bit odd?"

"That's because Sebastian is the one who sent it," Finn cut in from the doorway. They both turned to see Finn standing only a short distance away.

"What?! How do you all know about this?!" Kurt sat tall glaring at them accusingly. "You've all been talking? Have all of you been working together to get this to happen?" Kurt jumped to his feet. "How could you?" He shouted to no one in particular.

"We did it with your best interest at heart," Finn told him steadily. "You should go to Blaine, Kurt. Hear him out, listen to what he has to say."

Kurt ran his hands through his hair frantically. "I can't go to Blaine? What about Kevin? I care about him. He's been amazing to me. I can't, I can't do that to him?"

"Let me talk to him," Kevin spoke from behind Finn.

Kurt, Finn and Mercedes all stopped at the sound of his voice.

Kurt's eyes went wide. How long had Kevin been standing there? How much of their conversation had he heard? He was guilty, full of deceit. He had been talking of going to another man and Kevin had heard.

All of a sudden it was just Kevin and Kurt in the room, staring at each other across a vast empty space, Mercedes and Finn having left in haste. They gazed at each other and Kurt waited, waited for Kevin to fly into a rage and tell him just what a horrible person he was. But Kevin's stance was calm, poised and composed. Kevin, as always, only displayed the calm, peaceful and tolerant disposition that he was known for.

Kurt hung his head guiltily. He had never been worthy of Kevin, never.

"I'm sorry," Kurt finally managed. "I.."

"Don't," Kevin told him quietly. "You have nothing to be sorry about. You can't be sorry when it comes to matters of the heart."

Kurt's head snapped back up again in confusion.

"You've always tried to do what you thought was right, but Kurt, you can't listen to your head anymore. You have to listen to your heart. You have to go to him."

"What?" Kurt stammered. "What do you mean? I can't! I'm in a relationship with you!"

"You're not, Kurt," Kevin told him, his face set as stone. "You're in a farce. You're in a relationship of the idea of us, but you're not in a relationship with me." Kevin took a step closer. "You can go to Blaine because...because you're still in love with him."

Kurt swallowed deeply and shook his head still not ready to admit it himself. "I'm not in...

"Yes, Kurt," Kevin cut him off. "You are still in love with him. Do you want to know how I know?"

Kurt didn't answer.

"Because it's his name that you say when you're curled up in my arms!!!" Kevin cried, finally losing his cool. He sunk onto the side of Kurt's bed. He rested his hands in his head and tried as desperately as he could to hold on, to keep it together and do the right thing even if it meant destroying everything that made him happy.

Kurt was horrified. Had he actually done such a thing?

"Why didn't you say anything?" Kurt whispered.

Kevin didn't look up and spoke into his hands, "I guess, I guess I was just hoping that you would forget him. But now," Kevin shook his head. "I can see that it's not going to be possible. I can't compete with that."

"Kevin, don't say that," Kurt cried. He raced across the room and dropped to his knees at Kevin's feet. He took Kevin's hands within his own. "You're amazing, you have to know that."

Kevin smiled to himself. "But obviously in your eyes, not as amazing as Blaine Anderson." He blinked back several tears in his eyes and tried to smile. "Don't worry, I'm not here to guilt you with my self-pity, but it's obvious that Blaine is in love with you too."

Kurt turned away unable to speak. He was suddenly exhausted, tired of trying to make it happen with Kevin. He was tired of trying to feel the way he wanted to feel, but what scared Kurt the most was what he had just done. That he had simply turned away and was not willing to say anything more or protest Kevin words. It only proved how Kurt was ready to give up on their relationship. How, deep inside, he was hoping that the strings could be cut.

Kurt stood up and walked to his window, unable to hide the tears that were now falling unabated. He would never be able to forgive himself for what he had done to Kevin. He was a terrible human being. He had strung Kevin along, given him false hope, when really, there had never been any for him to give. Right from the start, as much as Kurt had tried to convince himself, he still wasn't over Blaine.

They were silent for some time until Kurt sensed Kevin cross the room to stand behind him. Kevin paused and then stepped into Kurt's space, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist in a loose embrace. "Both of us are to blame here Kurt, we both wanted things that couldn't be. But at the same time, neither of us is to blame either, neither of us acted maliciously."

Kurt sunk his back into Kevin's hold molding his form against Kevin's chest and placed his hands over Kevin's. It would be for the last time. They would never share this type of touch, or experience this level of familiarity with each other again. Kurt unlocked his knees and they sank to the floor. He twisted in the hold in between Kevin's legs and wrapped his arms around Kevin's body his head leaning against his chest.

They stayed that way for a long time, saying goodbye to what they both had hoped their relationship would be, what they hoped their future was going to be. And for all the genuine, heartfelt intimate moments that they had shared, that even though they hadn't been experienced in true love, they had been special in their own right because they had been their private moments and no one else's.

"You should go, and I should leave," Kevin spoke finally, his voice thick and gravelly.

Kurt startled and lifted his head. He was surprised to see that the room had grown dark. He pulled away gently, nodding his head and braving to meet Kevin's eyes. They were sad, but the corner of his mouth twitched up in a slight smile. He leaned in and placed his lips gently over Kurt's in a final farewell, and Kurt softly kissed him back.

"Thank you," Kurt struggled to say after they had pulled away. "We'll stay in touch."

Kevin didn't speak, but Kurt read his thoughts, that really this was it. They wouldn't stay in contact, and they would go their separate ways.

Kevin rose to his feet, pulling Kurt up as well and held his hand as he walked to Kurt's bedroom door. They continued out to find the rest of the house quiet, dark and empty. Their friends had been mindful and had left to give them space, giving them the privacy they needed to end their relationship.

"Just urh," Kevin began his voice cracking, "if you find anything of mine give it to Finn and he can send it on."

Kurt nodded, unable to speak, afraid that he would break down.

There wasn't another word uttered. Kevin just opened the door, stepped through and closed it quietly behind him.

Kurt slid down the door in the darkness. He didn't cry. He just sat there, emotionally weary and drained. He wanted to crawl to his bed and sleep, but he was so exhausted he couldn't even do that. Instead, he curled up where he was and closed his eyes, and despite the uncomfortable position, Kurt fell into a listless and disturbed sleep in under a minute.

It was several hours later that he finally stirred to an apartment that was still quiet and dark. He had woken however, with a new sense of purpose, of something he couldn't deny or ignore. It was something that he had to play out and complete. He rose to his feet and ignored the way his stiff body protested from the position his muscles had endured. He headed to the bathroom, pulled off his clothes and stepped into the shower. When he was done he headed towards his room, turned on the light and began to get ready.

An hour later, Kurt stepped out of his room. It was the early hours of the morning but that wasn't going to stop him. Kurt reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone. He hit the number he needed and waited as it rang through. After several moments the person on the other end of the phone answered. Kurt got straight to the point, now was not the time for pleasantries or politeness.

"Where is he, Rachel?" Kurt asked quietly. "Where is Blaine?"