"Elliott," Kurt groaned into the phone, "Im a colossal idiot."

"Only when it comes to men.  Whats his name, and what did you let him do to you?  Did you cook for him, Kurt?  You know we discussed this."

"Yes, no.  I dont know.  I mean, yes, I met a guy."

"Six-five, huge pecs, small dick?  Likes to pound your ass, but has nothing to pound it with because of all the steroids?  Kurt, we talked about this."

"No, I know.  And, no, this guy was...perfect.  Tiny.  Sweet.  Adorable."

"Kurt Hummel!  Im proud of you.  Personal growth!  So whats the problem?"

"I cant see him again."

"No, no, Kurt.  I dont think you understand how this dating thing works.  When you find the sweet and adorable guy, you do ask him out again.  When you find the caveman dickwad, you do not go on four or five dates with him.  You always get this mixed up." 

Kurt gave a sardonic laugh, "No, its more complicated than that.  I kind of told him I was someone else, and I created this whole new persona, including a ‘manly voice and mannerisms...and then and I kind of snuck out of his apartment in the middle of the night while he was sleeping."

"‘Kind of..."! How can you ‘kind of... Never mind... Why?  Why would you do that?"

Kurt ran a hand through his hair. "Because Im an idiot.  Look, I saw this guy at the grocery store, okay?  And he was gorgeous...."  Kurt told his friend the story of his wonderful yet frustrating one-night stand. Wonderful because he and Thrand discovered they had so much in common--music, and fashion, and sex, of course. But, as he explained to Elliott, one of the best parts of the evening was just being able to hold Thrand and touch him with small, loving gestures that Thrand seemed to respond to like a puppy, all warm and cuddly. And that was almost the best part of the evening--the cuddling and petting that seemed so perfect to both Kurt and Thrand. As Kurt further explained, for once he was the "alpha gay," so to speak, and Thrand seemed so receptive to this; there were no power plays, and Kurt had felt a strange, new confidence as a result.  Then, when Thrand had fallen asleep, heavy and pliant in Kurts arms, he had wanted to scoop him up, take him to the bedroom, and fall asleep holding him with their limbs all tangled together.  Instead, realizing how tenuous all this was, he had slipped carefully out of the chair, pulled a throw over Thrands sleeping form, changed back into his trousers, and very quietly-and reluctantly-left the apartment.

"So you cant see him again because you would have to confess that you lied about your name and your occupation, and youve been faking your voice to sound more ‘manly.  Jeez, Kurt.  This has all the makings of a really bad off-off-off Broadway play." 

"Dont forget the part where I also dont know his phone number." 

"Yeah, but you know his name and where he lives.  Its not like you cant Google him."

Kurt blushed a little and was glad that Elliott couldnt see it. "Actually...um...I already did.  I cant find a Thrand Sanderson anywhere.  The guy has no internet presence.  And I looked up the address for the apartment; its owned by a Cooper Anderson-same name as the actor.  So I dont know what to think.  Im starting to get a little paranoid here."

"Dont get worked up.  You said hes a teacher.  I imagine teachers try to keep their personal info on the down-low to avoid crazy parents.  And maybe hes house-sitting.  You said the apartment was too expensive for a teacher, and it didnt seem like his taste."

"Yeah, I guess," Kurt admitted.  "Still, I finally meet a guy I want to get to know better, and the problem is that I cant let him get to know me better." 

"Well, you know what they say, ‘Youve buttered your bread, now you have to lie in it."

"Thats the worst mixed metaphor ever."

"I aim to please."

"Sam," Blaine moaned into the phone, "Im a colossal idiot."

"Hey, youre a cool teacher, your kids love you, you make a zillion dollars in consulting fees, you do work that you love, you own your own home in New York City, and even the mayor has you on speed dial.  I wish I was that kind of idiot. Wait-you know what I mean. Anyway, you cant be an idiot in your line of work.

"No, no, its not about work."

"Oh, crap, Blaine.  Dont tell me.  You took home another stray guy, didnt you?  You took him home, and you did the power top thing, and then, while you were in the bathroom, he ripped you off."

"No, it was nothing like that.  And how do you even know a phrase like ‘power top?"

"I follow Tumblr."

"Im not even going to go there.  Anyway, yes, I met someone, but hes not like the others.  Hes on Wall Street.  Tons of money.  You should see his clothes.  And he totally came on to me at the grocery store when I went to feed Coopers fish.  He did that whole Ellen Barkin Sea of Love thing right in the middle of the produce section."

"I love that scene.  Al Pacino is so hot, but I think Barkin totally scared the pants off him, Dude."

Blaine laughed a little shakily. "I know how he felt.  This guy scared the willies out of me.  And, by the way, I think its a little weird that my straight best friend gets turned on by Pacino while I, the gay best friend, am turned on by Barkin."

"Hey!  Im secure in my manhood."

"Your underwear-clad package is all over New York City buses; so I would hope so."

"Yeah, yeah. So tell me about the guy." 

"So I took your advice.  I told him my name was Thrand Sanderson."

"Awesome! Wait-Really?"

"Well, I kind of panicked, and it just sort of came out.  Anyway he wanted to go to my place, and I didnt want to be me, and we already were in Manhattan; so I took him to Coopers place."

"Oh my God.  Hes going to think you have like the worst taste ever!  Everything in that place screams, ‘I bought this to show off!  Its like Joeys apartment on Friends when he landed that job on Days of Our Lives."

Blaine groaned, "I know.  But its worse than that.  He went into the bathroom when we got there, and you know how Cooper always leaves me these little gifts whenever he leaves town?"

"Ye-ah."

"He left one in the bathroom."

"How many speeds?"

"How many...?!" Blaine spluttered.  "Thats not the point.  Anyway, he went into the bathroom, and I realized he was going to think Im some kind of perv, and there I was, trying for the Clark Kent image, all meek and mild mannered, and that was definitely shot to hell.  And then I realized-even worse-that he was going to expect to have sex!"

"Uh, Blaine, youd just met him, and you took him home.  Of course he was expecting sex.  Werent you expecting sex?  Youre not that clueless, man."

"Yeah, I know. Yes, I wanted to have sex with him.  But then I thought hed probably want to have sex in the bedroom.  I couldnt take him into the bedroom.  We were at Coopers place."

"Ah.  Because of the head shots."

"Right!  I mean, what kind of idiot besides my brother decorates an entire bedroom wall with his own headshots?  So I had to find a way to keep him in the living room."

"So whatd you do?"

"Uh...I...um...when he came back into the living room, I kinda blew him."

Sam whooped with glee on the other end of the line, and Blaine had to pull the phone away from his ear to keep from losing his hearing.

"Jeez, Blaine. How do you ‘kinda blow someone?! Wait-nix that! You gave him head just to ‘head him away from the bedroom? (Ha! Get it?) Okay, okay, Ill get serious. Seems kind of like you made some pretty heavy moves, man."

"Well, kind of.  But this guy is really hot and worth it, okay?"

"So how was it?"

"What?!  Im not telling you that!  Although, I mean, this guys cock.  You should have seen it.  It was..."

"TMI!  TMI!"

"Oh, sorry." 

"Its okay.  I just dont need to hear about another guys junk-especially if...never mind. Anyway, you got on your knees for this guy-unless you, uh...um, never mind. Anyway, thats progress, right?  I mean, you started the ball rolling," Sam snorted, "but you werent really the alpha gay guy, right? So maybe you got your elf on a little bit after all."

"No, Sam.  Wow-it was so much more than that!  This guy...afterwards...he held me, and I felt so protected.  I didnt even know I wanted that.  I mean, I knew I wanted something different, and I knew I was tired of being with guys who cant get their act together, but it just felt so good to be taken care of for a change.  It was amazing."

"Im happy for you, man.  So whats the problem?  Why do you think youre an idiot?"

"I lied to him, Sam!  I made up a fake name.  I let him think that Im just a teacher who lives in a really awful Manhattan apartment."

"Hey, man, I dont really see that its that big a deal. You are a teacher and, knowing you, you never actually told him that the apartment was yours.  Just explain that it was your brothers place.  Thats no biggie.  And as for the name, Im sure hed get that you might not want to...um...‘reveal too much of yourself to a one-night stand."

Ignoring Sams blatant pun (at least he wasnt doing impressions), Blaine ran his hands through his curls. "Its not that easy.  When I woke up, he was gone, and I dont have his number, and he doesnt have mine.  Clearly, he didnt want to see me again."

"Dude!  The Blaine Anderson I know is a go-to guy.  Youve never let fear of failure stop you before. Look him up on the internet.  Stalk the shit out of this guy.  Dance naked on his balcony.  Dont take ‘no for an answer."

"Ive never once danced naked to get what I want," Blaine chuckled. "I always wore a g-string." Then he sobered and admitted, "I already looked him up.  I cant find him anywhere." 

"He works on Wall Street.  Hang out there until you find him."

"I have a job, Sam.  Besides, do you have any idea how many thousands of people work on Wall Street?  Anyway, I cant just leave my kids to be a creeper on the off chance that Ill find him."

Sam sighed, "Youre just always going to be the responsible one, huh?"

"Probably."

"Responsibility wont keep you warm at night-or give you great sex."

"Yeah, well, I was irresponsible last night, and look where it got me."

"Dude, I feel for ya...well, not ‘feel you, but you know what I mean..."