I returned to the dorm I shared with Jeff, evidently way too happy for Jeff’s liking. As soon as I opened the door, he began his usual ‘let’s give Blaine crap’ routine.
“So Blaine... how’s Kurt doing?”
That was odd. He’d never teased me about Kurt like that before.
“I don’t know... what you mean...”
Jeff threw a pillow at me and laughed at me as I put my guitar down, walked around the little sofa and threw myself onto my unmade bed, exhausted.
“Dude. Seriously. What’s going on? Teenage Dream? I’m not like the other guys. I know what happened when you first performed that song.”
I moved my head slightly to face him as he sat on the sofa.
“What happened, Jeff? Do enlighten me.”
“You met Kurt.”
He said it so simply, without a sarcastic tone and without any hint of teasing. He said it softly, as if he knew exactly how I felt.
“...You know, don’t you?”
“Yeah man. I do.”
“...Who else knows?”
“Just me, I reckon. Not many of the other guys knew Kurt was there during our little gig. And most of the Warblers are still trying to plan “Operation Remove Wes’ Gavel.”
I snorted slightly, before quickly returning to the seriousness of the conversation Jeff and I were having. And it was a serious conversation. Because Kurt meant something to me. And Jeff, being my roommate, knew me well enough to know that this was the first time I’d felt something so deeply.
“Jeff... how do you know?” I asked, propping myself up on my pillow and playing with the edge of my bed linen.
“Blaine... this doesn’t happen to you often. Or at all, really. I’ve known you long enough to figure out what you’re feeling. We’re close, man. You’re like my brother. I know you. It was clear to me that when you were going for coffee, you weren’t just going for coffee.”
The room was silent for a moment before Jeff moved to the mini-bar fridge we have in our room and tossed a Coke and a chocolate bar at me.
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically after the chocolate bar hit me square in the forehead.
“Sorry, bro, but that was awesome. It was a good shot.”
“It’s only a good shot if you hit your target, Jeff.”
“...exactly.”
I threw my pillow at him with as much force as I could muster, but I missed him, much to his amusement. He laughed for a bit before turning the conversation back to its original topic.
“How do you feel about him?”
“I... I can’t explain it.” I literally could not think of a word to sum up how I felt about Kurt. It was impossible. Even thinking of Kurt made me nervous, made me feel butterflies and made me feel nauseous at the same time.
“Try.” Jeff just looked at me with his genuine, caring smile. I trusted him.
“Well... I get so excited to see him in the morning. Coffee at seven is the best part of my day. We talk a lot more during coffee. We... connect, on most levels. We learn more about each other.
When he laughs, it’s like he brightens the whole atmosphere around us. He has this smile that make me think of puppies and kitties and My Little Pony’s just because it reminds me of the carelessness of childhood... Whenever he talks about his past with the homophobes at McKinley, and he gets a little sad, I feel it so much worse because I really wish he’d never experienced that. I wish that I could have been there to stop it and I wish that I could protect him from every bad thing that will come his way.
And I have these secret scenarios in my head of a never-ending coffee date. We’ll get our drinks, we’ll sit in the cafe and we’ll talk. And then we’ll take our drinks and walk through the snowy, beautiful campus and we’ll talk more. We’ll learn more about one another, we’ll connect even more so. And I can’t help but think, I want to stay like this forever. All I want is for him to never let go when he gives me a hug to say goodbye. I want to smell his lavender scented moisturiser every freaking second of the day... He’s beautiful. In every way.”
Silence followed my little speech and I saw Jeff was taking everything in and thinking it all over. He made his way over to me and sat at the foot of my bed.
“You... you have never ever spoken about anybody the way you’ve just spoken about Kurt. And... I can see the way you’re happy when you’re around him. I see it. You... you become someone else around him, Blaine. You become the happy, fun loving, wonderful Blaine I haven’t seen in so long.”
“...Is that a good thing?”
“Blaine. It’s a very good thing... You can’t let him go.”
“How... how do I... how do I tell him?”
I was so nervous, anxious and excited at the same time. I was excited at the prospect of being with Kurt, holding onto him and spending more time with him.
“I don’t know...” Jeff clapped my shoulder like any brother would do. “Just... tell him what you’ve just told me. And he’ll know how you feel. He’ll know exactly how you feel.”
We didn’t speak about it anymore than that, and I was grateful for Jeff’s advice. I was grateful for him even choosing to talk about it with me. He was as straight as straight could be, and I knew he got uncomfortable when I talked about hot guys in movies or in TV shows. For him to listen to the reasons why I loved Kurt meant more than I could have imagined.
And that night, I skipped dinner, ignored my phone, and went to sleep, planning my confession to Kurt at seven the next morning.