If there was a time in every person’s life in which they would feel completely lost, completely empty and immersed in darkness, this was it for me.
For days, I walked around the house like a zombie. My motions were so routine; they could have been graded for accuracy and precision. Every day, I completed the same mundane tasks with a certain lack of care that could only really come from deep hurt.
I was lost. I was floating. I wasn’t me.
It had been almost two weeks since Charlotte had been reported missing, and I hadn’t been back to school since. I couldn’t face my teachers knowing that my sister had been taken. I couldn’t plaster on a fake smile and convince my friends and peers that I was okay.
Because I wasn’t. I was far from it.
Kurt had to go back to school though. Dalton had called, saying enough was enough. That made it so much harder: knowing that when I’d wake up in the morning from a nightmare-filled sleep, I wouldn’t have the warmth and love of Kurt to soothe me back into reality.
But he was coming over every day after school, up until curfew. Seeing him everyday made the pain numb for at least a few minutes every day – I’d get swept up into a kiss, or I’d sink into his arms and feel his heartbeat pounding away, suddenly overwhelmed with this sense of I’m not alone.
It wouldn’t last long. The minute Kurt’s arms would fall from where they once held my waist so tightly, I’d feel a cold shiver run throughout my body, like this wave of nerves and dread.
I wanted Charlotte back.
But if I didn’t get her back, I didn’t know if I really wanted to know what happened to her.
Fear of the unknown is common, but for me, it was fear of the known that was killing me the most.
Xxxxxxx
“Blaine, baby, you’ve got to eat something.”
“I’ve had something.”
“You had one slice of toast.”
“...and?”
“...and that was twelve hours ago. You need to eat something.”
“I can’t eat anything.”
“You have to. It won’t make the pain go away, but it’ll stop you from losing yourself in the process of worry.”
“I can’t eat, Kurt.”
“Why can’t you eat?”
“We’d always eat in the kitchen.”
“Who? Your family?”
“Charlotte and I. Every time I’d come home from Dalton. We’d make pancakes. She’d add chocolate chips to the mix. I’d lift her up so she could sit on the bench, and after every pancake was completely cooked, we’d eat it straight from the plate. One plate, two forks, a dozen pancakes.”
“The minute Charlotte is back, you’ll be back in there making pancakes, I’m sure.”
“How can you actually be sure?”
“...I can’t. But for now, let’s concentrate on what’s right in front of us. And you need to eat something.”
“I can’t eat anything, Kurt.”
“Blaine, please, for me, just try to eat something!”
“Why does it matter to you so much?”
“...Because I’m your boyfriend, and I love you, and I can’t bear to see you like this. So I’m going to do the best I can to be there for you, whether you like it or not. Now eat something.”
“No.”
“Blaine, please eat someth—“
“No.”
“Blaine, please!”
“NO!”
Xxxxxx
Nothing could ease the pain, though the pain was now embedded so deep within me that although I knew it was there and I felt it, I still felt numb. I was unable to comprehend the smallest, most insignificant of words. I couldn’t function properly.
My heart had a piece missing.
No one in the house was eating, thinking or sleeping properly. Dad resorted to doing the laundry while Mom resorted to fiddling with the car. It was complete role reversal – perhaps that was the most obvious sign of trauma.
Dylan and Katherine were quiet and reserved. Sometimes, I’d look over and see them steal a kiss with a small smile in the corner of their lips. Their eyes displayed all the same emotions we were feeling: confusion, anger, hurt, worry... Yet somehow, they managed to find some peace. I couldn’t wrap my head around that concept, though. It was all way too surreal for me to take in.
Donovan and Josh stayed away most of the time. I didn’t even know if Josh was staying over – that’s how much they’d disappeared. I’d only ever see Donovan at the coffee machine each morning. He’d nod, I’d nod, he’d pour a cup of coffee for himself and ask if there was any news, and I’d say no. He’d disappear once more, only to return for a refill three hours later.
Kurt remained by my side whenever he wasn’t in school. If he wasn’t trying to get me to eat or trying to convince me to have a shower, he was there, sitting or standing next to me, interlocking our fingers and whispering “I’m always here” and “I love you”.
I’d always found myself thinking, prior to the whole Charlotte situation, that Kurt was always timid and reserved when it came to affection. I’d thought that if we were to be affectionate, I’d have to initiate it, simply because Kurt wasn’t as bold in his actions. But situations changed and time moved forward, and I was thankful for every single kiss on the cheek or long, sunken hug we’d share.
My heart did have a piece missing. But with time, the jagged edges smoothed out just that tiniest bit every day with Kurt by my side.
Or at least, that’s what I’d thought.
Xxxxxx
“Blaine, baby, come to bed.”
“Kurt, go back to Dalton. You have a curfew.”
“It’s the weekend and I’m not going anywhere. Come here.”
“Kurt, I don’t want you getting into trouble.”
“I’m here for you, okay? I’m here to look after you. Always.”
“Okay! I get it!”
“...I just...”
“Look, I know you’re looking out for me because you’re my boyfriend and you love me and you just wanna be there for me, but I’m not a poor, broken sad child constantly requiring your attention and affection!”
“... ...”
“Shit. Kurt, I didn’t mean—“
“It’s okay.”
“No, Kurt, it’s not. I should never have –“
“You’re hurt, Blaine. You’re not thinking straight. You’re not yourself. It’s okay.”
“I just meant that I—“
“You need space.”
“No. Fuck no! Kurt! You’re the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to me! I need you now more than anything!”
“Blaine. You wouldn’t have burst out saying all the things you did if there weren’t some underlying meaning there.”
“There wasn’t! I mean, I just—“
“If you don’t need space, then what is it?”
“... ...”
“Blaine?”
“...I’m lost, Kurt.”
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
More days passed, nearing a month since the date Charlotte went missing. Kurt’s birthday was now only two weeks away. I didn’t know whether or not to feel happy about it. I didn’t know how to feel.
But I was starting to find my feet again.
Dad had gone back to work, albeit part-time, in an attempt to gain some sense of normality. The rest of us tried our best but just couldn’t find ourselves going back to our old lives: especially when our old lives revolved around Charlotte so much, even if we hadn’t really noticed it when we had her there with us.
And there it was again, the need to apologise to Charlotte for taking her for granted and not truly appreciating her the way we should have, when she was here. When she was with us.
But we were there. We were going through the motions, completing the same everyday tasks that bored us yet gave us something to do, something to concentrate on. Sometimes I’d find myself just looking out the kitchen window as the rain droplets glistened through the sunlight. I’d stand there for ages, just looking, before realising that it was Charlotte’s favourite pastime too.
Everything linked back to her. Everything reminded me of her. She was an image I couldn’t erase from my mind no matter how hard I tried. Though, contradictory as it was, I found myself struggling to think back to the exact shape of her wind-swept, brunette curls and the precise position of her freckles on her nose.
I needed her back.
I wanted her back.
But I was starting to find my feet again.
David, Wes and Jeff had been sending assignments. They’d sent flowers for the first few weeks, before Kurt told them to stop after I began sobbing, noting that the lilies they’d sent were Charlotte’s favourite.
I wasn’t going to school, though. And when Kurt had to spend the nights back at Dalton, as per regulations, I’d find myself sleeping in the dull, lifeless spare bedroom to the rear of the house. My room was filled with too many laugh-filled memories with Charlotte, memories that I couldn’t face without Kurt, my love.
I didn’t really realise that I was beginning to regain a sense of who I was until I found my phone, hidden underneath the fifty layers of crap lying on my bedroom floor, and logged onto facebook. I found a funny youtube video Jeff had sent me three months prior, and as I watched, I snickered, giggled and chortled until eventually I was laughing again. Actually laughing.
When Kurt saw me the next day and took my hand, giving me a kiss on the cheek and telling me he loves me, I was finally able to smile and say “I love you too,” for the first time since Charlotte’s disappearance.
But I was still lost.
I still missed her.
The hole in my heart was still there.
Xxxxxxxx
“Blaine?”
“Kurt?”
“Where are you?”
“Bathroom, drying my hair.”
“I’m coming in.”
“...What’s going on?”
“Charlotte. She’s been found.”