I should have known that I couldn’t stay away from the hospital, well at least from Kurt’s bed side. I love him, and I need to see him again in order to erase the image of him lying in that bathtub from my mind. That is my excuse. My excuse for once again placing Kurt on the path that could lead to something much worse than what a blade and his own volition could do to him.�

I should have known that the letter he wrote me would change everything. It was an invasion of privacy; I should not have read it. But dammit I need to.

Blaine,

��������� I am hoping that you will not be the one to find me. If you were I am so sorry for putting you through that. I know you do not like blood. Do you remember the time I accidently cut my finger while preparing lunch for us? Blood is nothing to me except an easy form of release. I didn’t even think twice about the small slice, you winced at the mere sight of a drop of blood. Something has happened to you in the past that you won’t talk to me about. I know it is true. The flinch at the sight of blood, the fact that you have never actually told me the whole story about why you transferred the Dalton, the way you can be Blaine with me and Blaine Everett Anderson in public. Your dual personalities has always scared me. Every time you would change, I would secretly pray to a god that I honestly don’t believe in, that you would be able to change back. And every time you would come back to me. But it isn’t enough anymore. No that is wrong. I mean, but it wasn’t enough anymore. Yes, past tense.

��������� I should explain the reasons behind my actions shouldn’t I? Is that not what most people write in suicide notes? Well here is the truth. Some you know some you don’t. My mother died when I was really young. She was my everything, I mean I had my Dad but he never truly understood me. My mother was my rock, she was the first person I came out to, and in celebration we had a musical marathon. Always accepting and more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, well until you. Without her I lost all feeling, I walked through life like I was looking through a film. Every emotion was hazy, almost like I knew what I should be feeling, but I didn’t actually feel it. I have been on depression medication for quite a while now. I am sorry that I never told you. I didn’t want you to look at me like I was any more broken than you already did. The taunting at McKinley did cause me to leave; however, I actually transferred for you. You made me feel again. And I know that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else. I should have known that you would fail me eventually. I IN NO WAY BLAME YOU FOR MY ACTIONS. And you should not blame yourself either. This was my decision and it is what I wanted.

��������� I know that my actions will not really affect you, or anyone else for that matter. You never truly loved me in the way that I loved you. I needed you to breathe, I needed you to feel, I needed you to live. You have so many problems of your own that you needed to take care of. I am sorry I couldn’t wait for you to work them out and come back to me. Keep living Blaine; you are too beautiful and precious for this world to lose. I was nothing.

Know that I will love you forever,

Kurt

Kurt loves me, I should have known. I could have saved him by just being honest with him. I would face my demons for him. No matter what it takes, I will escape my father’s clutches to be with him. He deserves to be happy, and if I am his happiness I will never say goodbye to him. No matter what emotional problems we both have and need to face. I need to tell him.

I should have known that Kurt’s Dad would try and keep me away from him. Burt had never been supportive of Kurt’s relationship with me. He disproved of the way we could just be with each other, completely at ease with ourselves. He has never come out and said that he thinks being gay is disgusting, but I could see it in his face every time he looked at his son. I think it has to do with losing his wife, I think he blames Kurt. And therefore despises everything that Kurt stands for, including homosexuality. I will protect Kurt from his Dad, as soon as I can protect him from mine.

I should have known that money could buy you anything. I slipped a nurse $500 dollars in order to allow me to see Kurt without informing his father, considering I am not technically family. Yet, I am the only family Kurt has. I am the first to actually come and visit him besides his Dad to fill out the paperwork. The nurse said he didn’t even walk into the room. Kurt deserves so much better.

I should have known that Kurt would still be pale. The color had still not returned to his face, he looks gauntly. The loss of blood has taken its effect, yet he is still gorgeous. Even in his hospital gown with his hair unstyled. God, if you exist, thank you for giving this boy back to me.

I should have known that he wouldn’t want to see me. Kurt was on the edge of sleep when I walked in. It was late when I arrived; I had to stay at school to keep up appearances. No one there even knows that I was the one to find Kurt. I walked up to the side of his gurney and took his hand. When Kurt finally opened his eyes enough to see I gave him a solemn smile. Even moving his eyelids took all the strength in the world to him right now. That is why what happened next shocked me.

“What are you doing here?” Kurt had pulled his hand away from mine, struggling with every movement.

I had not expected the hostility, although I cannot fathom why at this point why. He had basically told me that because of my actions I drove him into the dark place he was. But he loved me, should that not out rank his anger.

“I read the letter Kurt, this morning while I was trying to stop myself from coming to see you.” His face fell; I knew that I should not have read that letter. I nervously chewed my lip waiting for a verbal response. When one didn’t come I finally said what I needed to, “I love you too. And I know that I have so much to make up for, starting with an explanation for my spilt personality. But right now I need you know that I love you and you need to get better by sleep.

“Fine, but we will talk. And once I am out of this stupid hospital you are never to talk about this again.” I nodded and smiled a little at Kurt’s diva personality still coming through despite his condition. “By the way, thank you for saving me, and I love you.” His eyes twinkled when he looked up at me; I took his hand in mine.

“We will be discussing your mental health, no matter what; I will make you talk about that. You aren’t allowed to hide that from me anymore. But, I will promise to share my struggles and history as well. That way you don’t feel like the only vulnerable one, okay?” I took his unwavering eye contact with me as an agreement. “I wrote something for you… will you allow me to sing it to you? I brought my guitar, and the nurse gave the okay if I close the door.” I once again took the eye contact as a yes.

I begrudgingly let go of Kurt’s hand to get my guitar from the corner. I then positioned myself on the chair next to Kurt’s bed and began to strum the song I had poured over last night when I couldn’t get the image of Kurt out of my head.

It's the way that you blush when you're nervous.

It's your ability to make me earn this.

I know that you're tired, just let me sing you to sleep.

It's about how you laugh out of pity,

'Cause lets be honest I'm not really that funny.

I know that you're shot, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,

medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.

I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.

It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.

It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded.

I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything,

I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.

You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

(Oh)

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything. (I really do)

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

I should have known that I would start crying in the middle of that song. I meant every word of it so much and it kills me to think that I went so long without expressing it. Kurt eyes fell shut about a fourth of the way through it. My poor love is so tired, he needs the rest. I just need to get Kurt back into proper health, confront my Father, and then deal with Kurt’s demons. It’s a lot, but together I am sure we can make it through this. We love each other too much to ever lose a battle.