July 2, 2013, 7:55 p.m.
Sad Look That You Wear So Well: I Believe In Nothing But The Beating Of Our Hearts
E - Words: 4,411 - Last Updated: Jul 02, 2013 Story: Closed - Chapters: 4/? - Created: May 08, 2012 - Updated: Jul 02, 2013 211 0 0 0 0
I am so, so, so, so sorry this took so long to update! D: My muse was just ... completely dead, and I couldn't write anything. I give each and everyone of you to bother the fuck out of me on tumblr. My user name there is theklainemobile.
Anyway, hopefully, Bringing Something We Must Learn will be updated later tonight or tomorrow. It should be on Saturday at the latest. I also have two more ideas (a one shot, and two full fics) which I'll get up later on in the week (:
As soon as my name was called out, everything apart from the people on the stage and myself seemed to melt away from the world. This couldn't be happening. This had to be some kind of nightmare of mine – it had to be. I've dreamt about this a lot of times (though, Mercedes is the female Tribute next to me, ever since Tina won last year), and I was just hoping that this was one of those times, and my brain had just wired itself to make it more believable by selecting a girl I barely know as the female Tribute.
But the humming coming from behind me somehow makes this seem so real.
I forget that this is happening, and that everyone in District Eight's eyes were on me, or on the massive screens where my face was more than likely blown up for all of Panem to see when this is televised. It wasn't until I heard the boy next to me hiss loudly in my ear, and nudge me roughly out of the crowd that I was actually able to snap back to reality. Otherwise, I think I would've stayed there until I either passed out, or one of the Peacekeepers dragged me out onto the stage.
As I start to walk, I stumble, finding it unable to walk as normal. I'm not sure if it's because my legs are either refusing to work, or my eyes are just filling to the brim with tears starting to form. I can't cry, though. I'll refuse to. Not until I'm not in front of any cameras. I can just let everything out once I'm sure I'm alone. I can't let the Career Tributes know that straight away that I won't last in this competition. After all, the Boy from District Eight Who Cried From the Start seems like a pretty easy target after all.
Eventually, after a walk that seems like it was walking all the way to the Capitol, rather than the thirty feet walk to where I was standing to the stage, I join Scarlett and Salena. I look at them as I walk past them to where I was to stand, glaring at Salena as I approach her; the foolish woman from the Capitol completely oblivious to the look of disgust. I take a deep breath once I stand on Salena's left, daring to look at the crowd, and immediately, my gaze falls on my father.
At that moment, I could feel my heart splitting in two. It was the exact same look that I saw my father wearing when we were told about my mother passing away in the medic's house. This was too much. I wasn't going to last until I got in the train, I knew it.
I hold my father's gaze for a few more moments, before I look down as a sob catches in my throat. I couldn't look at him any longer before I was going to lose my composure entirely, and end up collapsing, and wake up in the Capitol, or at least on the train. I didn't want that to happen. I neededto say goodbye to everyone before they see me dying on screen. Taking a shaky breath, I bring my hands up to rub over my eyes, wiping away the tears, before dropping my arms down to my sides. I glance out of my eye and look at the screen, and I couldn't help but feel relieved that my eyes are only slightly redder than usual, and that I wasn't that close to sobbing. Obviously, with me wiping my eyes, I was getting on the edge, but either way, my chances are just a smidgeon higher than they would be if I'd just let the tears fall.
"There you go ladies and gentleman, your District Eight tributes - Scarlett Grey and Kurt Hummel!"
I couldn't help but notice that Salena sounded way too damn happy about this – that Scarlett and I were about to be sent to our deaths, or maybe it's just me. My mind's too filled with negative thoughts. Almost anything remotely cheerful was extinguished almost immediately, and any negative thoughts that came into my mind seemed to be amplified by a couple of hundred times.
After smiling witlessly at the crowd for a few moments, Salena turns to me and Scarlett, wearing what could possibly be the most sickeningly sweet smiles that you'll ever see on a person.
"And may the odds be ever in your favour!"
Again, I glare at Salena, though much more obvious and more intense than the previous one. Words couldn't even begin to describe how much I hated that phrase, especially when it was said by a member of the Capitol. At least to Tributes – or potential Tribtues - it has some form of meaning. For Captiol members, it was just a catchphrase for the Games. Nothing more; nothing less. Though, now I'm such a big part of the Games now, it's... It's definitely one of the worst things anybody could say to me.
I take a deep breath, and close my eyes as the anthem of Panem plays. When I open them again, instead of seeing us being escorted away, I see the town centre was empty apart from me and Scarlett, along with Salena, who was screaming at the Peacekeepers who were supposed to escort us to the Justice Building about something unimportant, probably how awful she thinks District Eight is. Whatever she's ranting about, she's going to take a while, and I decide that it's probably better to talk to Scarlett, rather than just sit in an awkward silence before we're escorted away. I'm not sure what to say, however, so I wait for Scarlett to speak first, if she even wants to.
It doesn't seem like Scarlett is going to speak, as she stares at her shoes, and while I was a little disappointed that I had to awkwardly start a conversation, I could see why. We barely knew each other, and this is probably the first time we've been in a situation where we've had to be together. We don't know what will be a comfort to us, or what will make things worse for the other person. I don't want someone I know well to be with me though. I don't want them to have to kill me, or for me to kill them. It sounds awful, but I'd feel like I'd be in their debt from the start, and I'd be less likely to kill them more than I already feel about the prospect of killing Scarlett just now. I feel awful for even thinking about it. I decide then that if we somehow both manage to get to the final two, that I'll let her win. It may be tough on my father, but maybe it would be more comforting that I had a noble death, rather than be brutally ripped apart by a bloodthirsty Career.
God.. I hate myself for thinking like this. It isn't right.
Taking a small breath, I look over at Scarlett and offer her a very small, and weak smile, hoping to relieve the tension.
"Good luck," I say, only just managing not to sound like an emotionless drone. Scarlett's head then snaps up, probably out of shock. I then mentally slap myself, sighing as I look down with a scowl. I'm a complete idiot. That was the worst thing I could've said in this situation. "Sorry," I mumble, not daring to look up at Scarlett.
Scarlett then sighs "It's fine," She's looking down at her feet again when I glance over at her. "Not like there's an etiquette for situations like this."
I give a weak laugh, and look at my feet as well. She was right. There wasn't an etiquette for these situations. "I suppose so," I saw giving a nod.
After another few more awkward moments of silence, I look back up at Scarlett again "I guess we should probably head to the Justice Building now. I don't think those Peacekeepers are going to take us any time soon. They'll be expecting us to say.. " My voice fails me, thanks to a sob catching on my voice as I attempt to speak. I give a small cough, managing to get rid of the lump in my throat. "To say goodbye.."
She looks back up at me, and I try not to hold her gaze, at least not for too long "Yes, we probably should be on our way."
Before I can reply to Scarlett, Salena seems to finish off screaming, and the Peacekeepers quickly approach us, and drag us to the Justice Building like we're criminals. I don't really understand why they need to treat us like this, but presumably, it's so we don't run away. I don't know if this is an actual threat, but I don't know if any Tribute has been stupid enough to run before. While it's tempting to, they'll only catch us, or failing that, punish our loved ones until we submit to the Games. I can't remember any instances where a Tribute has ran away, and I can't find anything on record. Though, if a Tribute had ran away, or attempted to, the Capitol would probably do everything in their power to cover it up.
I nod at Scarlett once we get into the Justice Building, and I'm lead to what is probably one of the most luxurious rooms I've ever been in. It's probably the first time I've actually seen the materials we produce here actually being used for more than a seat cover, cushion, or a fancy item of clothing. It's slightly strange to me, but it does help me relax a little.
After a few minutes had passed, I hear the door swinging open, and as I turn around, the first thing I see is a tearful Mercedes pulling me into a tight hug as she starts sobbing uncontrollably. Slowly, I wrap my arms around her, shushing her softly. I realize now just how hard this is going to be on her. This is the second time that she's been in this position; possibly saying goodbye to one of her best friends, and in two years in a row. I have to at least try and stay strong for her, because if I'm a weeping wreck? It's only going to make Mercedes feel even worse about what was happening.
"Kurt, please." She cries into my shoulder "Please don't die... I can't –"
"Shh.." I rub over her back slowly, soothingly "I don't plan to. Not any time soon."
"Promise you'll come back home?"
My breath hitches a little. Because I can't keep this promise in the way Mercedes means it. Because more than likely, I will be coming home in a body bag, or something similar, depending on how lucky or unlucky I get.
"I promise.." I manage to choke out, sniffing a little as I look down at Mercedes.
"Good..", Mercedes smiles at me weakly, and gives a nod. "While you're gone, I'll take care of Burt while you're gone. I know it's going to be hard on him... And his health,"
At this, my face falls, and I mentally slap myself. How did I forget? How on earth could I forget that my father's health wasn't exactly good, and that things couldn't get too stressful?
A few years ago, when I was fourteen, my father had a heart attack. Ever since my mother's death, he hadn't been taking as much care for his health as he should've done. He wasn't eating the right things, and apart from the walk to the factory from our house, he wasn't exercising. This eventually took it's toll on my father, and I nearly lost him. If it wasn't for my mother's friend, Miska, who was a retired doctor, my father would be dead, and I would be as well, or at the very least a prisoner of the Capitol. I would've refused to live in the community home, and would've ran away from District Eight. I knew even then that I wouldn't even make it five miles in the forest. The forest itself was a few miles away from District Eight, and apart from that, there isn't much, if any, greenery within fifteen miles of it. Something wild would've killed me, or the Capitol would've found me, and I'd either be arrested or killed on the spot.
Even to this day, I'm still grateful to Miska, and I doubt I'll ever not owe him. I would've lost the most important person in my life – the only person that I know I love – and my life would probably be more of a living hell than it already was. Ever since he recovered well enough for Miska to stop checking up on him daily, I made it part of my daily routine to make sure that he was eating as healthily as he could with the money we had, and that he was getting enough exercise. I never took him into the woods with Mercedes and Tina, as I knew that would've been too dangerous. Instead, we would walk around all of District Eight before returning home. Miska still came every month, just to make sure that he wasn't having any health problems, and if he kept up how he was eating, and exercising, he shouldn't have another heart attack, unless he over strained or stressed himself. A year or so ago, he nearly had another. When Tina was Reaped, any time I could get away, I went into the forest and practised for as long as I could before returning home. The longer I was away, the more paranoid my father got, and when Miska warned us that my father was dealing with so much stress that it was very likely that he'd had a heart attack, and I decided to stop going into the forest as much when my father mentioned that it as because of my going into the forest every day, despite the watching of the Games being mandatory. I still went into the forest to make sure my skills weren't getting rusty.
But this... I don't know what will get him through this if someone isn't there to look after him.
"T-thank you" I say to her shakily, just managing to hold her gaze, only breaking it when the door opens and two Peacekeepers walk in, and start pulling Mercedes out.
I take a few steps forward to her when she's at the door, panic evident in my voice. "Whatever you do – don't let him – " A sob catching in my throat cuts me off.
"I won't, Kurt -" Mercedes just manages to speak before she's pulled out of the room, and the door slams shut.
I take a deep breath and sink into one of the couches, slumping as I start staring up at the ceiling. Saying goodbye was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I knew that it would be next to impossible, but I had no idea that it would be this hard.
The door opens again and I immediately bolt right up. The couple that walked through wasn't who I was expecting. I recognize them as Scarlett's parents. They don't really speak, and wish me good luck. Obviously, they're hoping for their daughter to return home, rather than me, and I can't say I blame them. You'd obviously want someone that you love to come back home over some kid you barely know. They leave before the Peacekeepers come for them, and as soon as they leave, I'm attacked by a flurry of Tina.
"As soon as you get into the Arena, grab a knife," She says, not letting go of me. "They don't always have a bow and arrow, but they almost always have knives. Get one of those, and fight for the bow if you have to."
Of course.. it was what Tina's tactic was last year, and it obviously worked out pretty well for her, and – not that I'm bragging – I taught her how to use a bow and arrow in the first place, so I'm slightly more skilled than she is. It's kind of a given after fourteen years of training, the first five of those years I was being taught by a previous Victor. "What if I don't get either? What if they just have the same type of weapon?" I say, thinking back to that year where the Tributes only had maces and bludgeoned each other to death.
"They won't do that again – it's not entertaining enough," Tina says, pulling away from me "Even if they don't have a knife or a bow, just take what was your best weapon in the Training Centre apart from them. You'll get past the bloodbath at the very least, then. Once you get past there, make sure you're near water, and that you have access to wood. Maybe you could make a bow if there isn't any?"
"I don't know... It's not exactly easy," I sigh, sitting back on the couch.
"Well, as long as it can shot relatively straight," Tina says, sitting next to me "A poor bow is better than no bow at all."
She was right, and there was no point in arguing with her anyway. If I had to make one, I'd eventually manage to make it shoot where I want it to go. It still wouldn't be as effective as the bows provided in the Training Centre, of course.
We sit in silence for a while, before Tina looks through her bag and hands me a small pile of food from the bakery. I look at her in confusion.
"They're from your mother's friends," She explains, looking at me "They gave them to me when they saw me walking into the Justice Building. I got you this." She pulls out a small silver ring from her pocket, and places it in my hand. "It was mine.. from when I was younger. It was my District token last year.. It only fits on my pinky now, so I don't think you'll be able to actually wear it as a ring. But.. if you could, can you have it as your token?"
I turn the ring over a few times in my hand, before smiling weakly over at Tina, hugging her tightly "Of course I will.."
She hugs me back, resting her head on my shoulder. "Thank you.."
The doors open and the Peacekeepers come in again. She stands up and walks over to the door, smiling weakly at me "I'll see you on the train."
"See you later," I mutter, waving at her.
She smiles weakly back at me, and the door slams shut again. I'm a little surprised at the gifts from my mother's old friends. They barely spoke to me or my father ever since she died. I don't know why exactly they gave me the food, but I don't think of questioning it. I'm trying to try and keep my thoughts together. I'm shocked that I haven't broken down yet.
Hearing shouting from outside the room, my brow furrows a little in confusion.
"Sir, you can't go in there, the Tributes are about to leave –"
"I don't care if they are, he's not leaving here without me saying goodbye first!"
"Sir, I have already told you -"
The door snaps open, and I instinctively jump out of my seat. My father comes running through the door and I feel my breath hitching horribly. The couple of Peacekeepers follow him and he turns around, glaring at them
"Give me two minutes. It's all I need." He says sharply.
I see the two Peacekeepers exchanging looks, before sighing.
"Fine. But only two minutes!" The shorter of the two snaps before they turn around and leave.
As soon as the door shuts behind them, my father pulls me forwards and brings me into a bone crushing hug. I bring my arms up shakily, hugging him back. I couldn't see from my eyes welling over with tears.
"You're going to win this, Kurt," He says after a few moments of silence between us. I only just manage to pull back slightly to hold his gaze "I know you will. You have that same look of determination that your mother had..when she was here. I know you don't believe me.. but you're a lot more like your mother than you think."
I don't believe him. I would've attempted to argue with him, but my voice had completely disappeared. Apart from appearance, I'm nothing like her. Almost everyone in District Eight loved her, and she was by far one of the kindest people I'd ever met. Myself on the other hand.. I'm the complete opposite. The only person apart from my father that seems to tolerate me are Tina and Mercedes. The only people that don't look down at me are all friends of my parents. Tina and Mercedes' parents don't hate me as much of the other residents from District Eight, but I know that they don't like me too much. I can't blame them. My temper's next to non-existent, and I don't like having to talk to people more than I have to, and any time I do, I'm usually just straight to the point, and leave as quickly as I can. I'm probably a let down to them.
"I want you to have this," He says, stepping away from me, and reaching into my pocket. He then places something metal in my hand, and my eyes widen as I look at it.
It was my mother's locket – the one my father bought her it on their wedding night – I'd recognize it anywhere. She'd worn it everyday until she died, and after that, my father kept in his pocket. And now.. It was being given to me.
It was at this moment that I completely break down on sobs, my body shaking with the effort of not collapsing to my knees. The Peacekeepers walk in, and I instantly cling to my father, struggling to breath.
"D-dad... I don't want to go." I breathe heavily and slowly as I cling to him, refusing to let go as the Peacekeepers try to pull me away from him.
"I'll see you in a month or two, Kurt. Everything's going to be fine," He speaks firmly, and pushes me away lightly. I look behind my shoulder, and only just catch the look of pain on his face before the door closes.
We get to the train station by wagon. I hadn't actually been on a train or a wagon before. I'd always wanted to experience it, but not under these circumstances. The wagon I'm in is quiet. Only myself, Scarlett, and Salena are inside. The past Victors are in the wagon behind us. I attempt to stop crying, but it's not working. Swallowing back a little, I decide to put the locket on, looping the ring Tina gave me around the chain.
I feel my heart stopping when I see the cameras swarmed across the train station. I cautiously step out, and I know that there was no way to hide the fact that I had been crying now, and I quickly duck my head down after catching a glimpse of myself on one of the screens. It was amazing how different my mood was compared to before, when I just looked bored with it all. I try to think of some way that this would work in my favour, before I remember a few years ago, when a girl from District Seven called Johanna Mason won. I didn't think the girl had a chance in hell because she looked so weak, and people forgot about her in the Arena. But she was a brutal killer. Hopefully, I could maybe pull the same thing off.
I don't know how Scarlett was faring, and I didn't want to look up in case one of the cameras caught my face again. I push my way forwards, refusing the cameras to get a close up of my face, and quickly step into the train before they can get any close ups. Once Scarlett, Salena, and the Victors get on board the train, it starts to move. It was amazingly fast, and it took my by surprise, despite seeing it leave the District so many times.
We have time to ourselves before we have to go for supper, and I quickly leave the group and just walk around the train as Scarlett begins to talk about maybe forming an alliance. It was out of the question. I wasn't forming an alliance at all, and the only thing that was making Scarlett come back if we were in the final two was that we're from the same District. That should surely be enough for her.
District Eight seemed so far away now.. It was only a few hours ago, I was sitting in Mercedes family's textile shop, talking to her and Tina, as we tried to push today's events to the back of our minds. We only mentioned the Games briefly after Tina's arrival, and it was to confirm that we would stick together if we were both Reaped. We talked about nothing important – mainly about a new dress that Tina had sent had sent in from the Capitol. But.. now I was getting closer and closer to the Capitol, and closer to my death. I had to wonder how that would happen.. Hopefully something quick and painless as possible. Something instantaneous would be nice. That way, I wouldn't be suffering as I die, and it would hopefully be easier on my father. He wouldn't have to see the last person in his family suffering so much before they died.
Ugh...See? This was what the Games were doing to me.
I stop walking when I find myself in some kind of sitting room. It was filled with luxurious furniture, with different kinds of seats like couches, armchairs, and recliners. There was also a large TV – one that was about half the size of the ones that were in the town centre. I look around the room and sink into an armchair, and curl up into a ball, and start sobbing harder than before, almost struggling to breathe. I close my eyes tightly and just hope to God that this was all just an elaborate nightmare, and I'd wake up in District Eight.
However, when I hear someone coming into the room, I fall silent, and try to stop my body from shaking. I didn't know who it was, but hopefully... luckily it wouldn't be another Tribute, or someone else that would be bad for me if I was caught crying.
Of course, the odds hadn't exactly been in my favour lately.
I hope this was okay! As for chapter four, I don't really know when that's going to be updated, unfortunately. If I had to guess, I'd say July sometime because that's when Dec's summer holidays start, though it could be before that.
As for the oneshot, and two fics, the one-shot is kind of like a missing scene from the finale? I felt that we should have probably gotten some Klaine in there after Kurt for some unknown reason didn't get into NYADA. The other two are AUs. One is supernatural, and I guess could maybe be a Vampire Diaries AU, but no VD characters appear, and the other's just a Dalton one I saw a gif set on tumblr.