.

II

He had run out of one of his classes cause he had totally forgotten that he had to do homework and he felt so damn stupid. He run to hide in the girls bathroom cause they paid more attention to class; guys, on the other hand, asked to go to the bathroom every five minutes.

Kurt felt lucky when his fingers found a sharp edge inside of his jeans pocket and took out a forgotten razor. He didnt think it twice before sliding the sharp tool along his fading and recent scars on his forearm, opening new wounds here and there; loving those seconds the wound would take to bleed. He was so amazed by the injured skin of his arms that he didnt realize he wasnt alone until someone spoke.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

His eyes shot wide open as he heard the terrified voice and his blood covered razor fell on the floor, making a metallic clink that broke the terrifying silence.

"I-huh… dont tell theteachers, please! I-I just pretend you didnt see it, Ill just go away. Please dont tell anyone."

He tried to rush past the girl, but she grabbed him by the upper arm. "Oh, no. You aint going anywhere. Put your arms under the tap, Ill go grab some towels. If youre not here when I come back I will start screaming up and down the halls and tell everybody what youre doing to yourself."

"You dont even know my name." Kurt shrugged.

"Your name is Kurt, smartass." For the first time, he looked at the girl. She was as tall as him, with dark skin and dark hair that fell in waves to his shoulders; she dressed like a rainbow. Technicolor zebra´ was the definition that came to his mind. "Now, clean those nasty cuts. Ill be back in a second."

Leaving Kurt gaping, the girl strutted out the bathroom.

He stood there, watching the running water take away all the blood. He felt like he didnt truly understand what was happening. Someone found out his secret. Someone knew how fucked up he was. But he wasnt freaking out, he was just staring at the running water. That was how fucked up he was. He didnt care about anything, he knew he should care but he just didnt. He was numb. He knew he could meet the president or be bitten by a shark and he wouldnt even care. And he also knew that he should be worried that he wasnt worried… but then again, he wasn´t.

"I thought you would be gone by now. Im glad youre still here."

It was the girl again. He looked at her from the corner of his eye as he turned off the water.

When the girl realized Kurt wouldnt talk or approach her in any way, she walked to him and took one of his forearms. "You know what youre doing is really bad, dont you?" She looked at him almost hopeful, waiting for a response. Nothing. "You know, there are people who get drunk to drown their sorrows, others prefer to beat the shit out of someone, there are ones who starve themselves and others smoke or get into drugs or pimp their bodies to everyone… and there are people like you, Kurt, silent people that close off and dont let anyone in, that go through all their pain alone. And I know that c-cutting is a way to let out all that pain, but youre not doing any good to yourself. There are healthier ways to let it all out. You could write what youre feeling, go out with friends, play an instrument, talk about what youre feeling with someone, you could sing, draw, listen to music, go for a swim, take the dog for a walk, or bake."

Kurt kept staring at her for a few seconds; he knew he was making the girl uncomfortable. "How do you know my name?"

The girl looked up from their hands, as she kept petting the injured arm with the towel.

"Well, you are in at least two of my classes. Youre the only one who looks as though he likes what were doing when we do impromptu performances and you also auditioned at the beginning of the year for the Glee club; your version of Mr. Cellophane was outstanding, you left us all wondering why didnt you come back."

Kurt shrugged one more time.

"My names Mercedes, if you were wondering."

He let out a quiet, "Nice to meet you." He could be shy, but he wasnt rude.

"Well, at least you said something. How do you cope when your friends or family talk to you, Kurt?"

"I dont have friends and my family doesnt really care."

He could hear the click inside the girls head when she realized he was alone, but he wasnt really expecting it when she pulled him into a bear hug and he had to refrain himself from pushing her away.

"Why dont you come with me to the Glee club?"

"Shouldnt you be in class?" He retorted, trying to distract her.

"No, I escaped from Biology. But its okay you dont have to come to Glee, but youll have lunch with me and my friends. I wont let you be alone anymore."

Why did she even care? Why didnt she just leave him alone to do whatever he wanted, even it was hurting himself?

Kurt didnt want to get close to someone whod ditch him later when shed realize how fucked up he was, how worthless he was.

"I like being alone."

"No, you dont. Now theres only just fifteen minutes until lunch, why dont we get to know each other."

That sounded a lot like a pick up line to him.

"Im gay."

"Thats what Im talking about, its huge step. What can I say? Im… huh… I like to sing and I come from a very Catholic family. Now you."

"That wasnt me trying to be open. That was me telling you that, if you were somewhat interested in me, you should know that I dont play for your team."

She grabbed his hand and pulled him down to sit on the floor with her, cross legged.

Kurt felt really stupid sitting on the girls bathrooms floor, talking to a girl he didnt know but found him cutting.

"Its okay, I have a boyfriend. Now, tell me more about yourself."

"I dont like talking."

"Thats okay, I can do the talking for both of us."

Just like that Kurt got his first friend in a very long time. Mercedes did talk for the both of them, she always had something to say and didnt seem bothered if Kurt didnt talk back; which didnt mean that she didnt try to get him to talk.

A week after they met, Mercedes wont leave him alone, she had introduced him to the Glee Club and while most of them were kind and tried to get close to him, there were a few who wouldnt even look at him. The girls practically adopted him as a new baby; they were always playing with his hair or pinching his cheeks.

Kurt thought that the day after he met Mercedes, the entire school would know about his thing with the razors but it had been three weeks and no one looked at him differently.

At home, things hadnt changed that much. His father still looked at him with that pity in his eyes that made Kurts stomach tangle and made him feel sick; his mother didnt call him but sent tons of messages saying how disappointed in him she was because he hadnt called her even once.

He didnt stop cutting, he always found a reason for doing it. He felt really stupid cause he cried for every little thing.

There was one day that Mercedes had convinced him to join her that day in Glee. As soon as they got into the room, the girls pushed him to sit in between them and started talking all at once and really fast. He just nodded or shrugged as he kept looking at his shoes.

And then it was when Quinn entered sobbing and being held by one of the girls. She told everyone how her father found out that she was pregnant and had kicked her out of her house. The babys father, Finn Hudson, kept sitting there looking at the piano while everyone else patted her back or said something nice.

"Hey, Quinn," Kurt laid his hand on the shivering shoulder, she looked at him with amazed yet teary eyes, "I know parents can be so blind sometimes and they seem oblivious to what we need. I dont have a nice relationship with my parents but…"

"This is not a place to share our sob stories, Kurt. So wed appreciate it if you just keep yours to yourself and the ones who actually care." The guy with the Mohawk, Puck, said.

Pressing his lips together into a thin line, Kurt nodded, his nails already scratching his forearms beneath his hoodie.

Not really caring if anyone thought he was "such a girl" or "so pathetic" he stood up and almost ran out of the room, biting back sobs as he heard Mercedes and a few other girls and boys yell at Puckerman.

He felt so weak, why couldnt he just stand there with his head high, like the old Kurt would? Puckerman would be right if he called him a pussy or something like that. He heard Mercedes following him, but as soon as he was out of sight of the Glee Club he started running until he reached his car and drove straight home.

Kurt was glad his father wasnt there so he could sob and scream all he wanted.

Once again, life had showed him he was unwanted.

It was the first time in years that he had tried to talk to someone, to show someone he cared and he was beaten down and told that no one cared. He knew that, he knew that there wasnt a single person in the world that cared about him, that theyd be all better if he wasnt there or at least, they really wouldnt care if he disappeared.

That was when he realized that one thought was constantly in his head. Disappearing. And that usually he felt like everything would be better if he disappeared. His parents would be happier, people wouldnt have to look at him with pity, like Mercedes, and guys like Puck wouldnt have to deal with his disgusting self anymore.

So yeah, disappearing sounded like a great option for him.

Even if it seemed almost impossible, it all became worse when Mercedes convinced him to go to a theme park with her, Sam and Finn, who was sort of depressed cause he found out that Quinns baby wasnt his.

At first it all went really great. Sam, Mercedes boyfriend, was a great and really funny guy who did dorky impressions and looked at Mercedes like she was the sun of his world. Kurt wanted someone to look at him like that, but he didnt feel jealous. Finn, on the other side, was talking even less than Kurt and saying bitter things that made Mercedes glare at him and Sam come out with some other silly joke. Sam got Kurt to talk a little more; he talked about his childhood and how much he loved fashion, even if he hadnt really paid attention to it in the past months. He made sure not to get into deep things. Even then, Finn always found something bad to say.

And then it happened. He was talking with Mercedes and she managed to spill her drink on him and, without even thinking what was he doing, he rolled up one of his sleeves and tried to clean the falling drink with the paper napkins and saw Finn staring straightly at his arm. He looked at him with wide eyes as he rolled the sleeve down quickly and hid both his arms under the table.

"I-huh… Sam and I are going to get some more napkins."

She almost ripped her boyfriends arm off as she tried to get him out of there.

Once they were gone, Kurt turned to Finn, who was looking straight at the point where Kurts bare arm had been.

"Finn, I swear I can explain, but you cant tell anyone about what you saw!"

"And what exactly did I see, Kurt?" The taller guy asked with an unreadable face.

"The-the cuts on my arms, I swear Im trying to stop but you cant…"

"God, youre such an attention whore, Kurt! You have to tell everyone that you cut your fucking self, well nobody cares! Nobody gives a fucking shit about you, so stop trying to get anyone to look at you. You want them to pity you because you painted red lines with your marker! Well heres the news, dude, everyone pities you because youre so pathetic and-and… god just stay away, freak!"

This time he couldnt help it; he broke in loud sobs and ran away.

"Kurt! Kurt, wait… I didnt-Kurt!"

This time, Finns steps were longer and faster than his so, in just a matter of seconds, his trembling body was pulled into Finns strong arms.

"Hey, no, dont cry. I didnt want to… I-Im so sorry, little guy. I wasnt…"

Sobbing and punching Finn in the chest, Kurt finally got him to let him go. "Dont e-ever touch me o-o-or talk to me a-again… Ever!"

This time he could run away and get to his car before the amazingly tall teenager caught him again.

He drove five minutes before having to pull over because tears were clouding his vision and he wasnt able to drive anymore. Kurt curled up in his seat sobbing his heart out.

Was it true? Was he an attention whore? He cut just so people could pity him, or was that what Finn wanted him to believe. He was a freak, he was pathetic and no one cared about him. Finn said it, his father said it, and his mother had confirmed it.

He picked out a German pocket knife he always had in the cars glove box. He didnt even pull up the sleeves, he just threw his sweater on the backseat and ran the knife along his arms, as deep as he could, still sobbing so hard that it was hard to breathe. And then he saw it, so much fucking blood. He had cut way to deep and he didnt know what to do. So he pressed the sweater over the deep cuts, hoping it would stop the bleeding a little bit but it wasnt stopping and he was feeling really dizzy and cold, he was shivering and felt an even colder sweat running down his temples. He knew that was not good, so he tried to call Mercedes; who answered almost immediately and didnt let him say a word before telling him that they could see his car from where they were and not to move from there. Kurt, however was having trouble breathing and to control the bleeding. The last thing he remembered saying was "I dont feel good."

And then it was all black.

"Your mother called." The older Hummel said from his bedside. There was no sign in Kurt that he had heard what his father said. "Uhm, shes… shes not coming, buddy. But… It doesnt matter you know. Im here with you, Ill always be here for you. You know, uhm, I-I dont believe that you tried to kill yourself, Kurt. I know you wouldnt, you wouldnt do it. No matter what the doctors say. But if you dont talk, if you dont say whats going on inside you, we cant help you. We all want to help you, son." He grabbed the bandaged hand in his bigger one and looked into his sons empty eyes. "Kurt, Im not judging you. You know? I know Ive been the worlds shittiest father, and that you didnt win the lottery with your mother either. But I want to make it all better, so I can be as good father for you as I can. But you gotta help me here, buddy. You have to tell me whats wrong, what can I do to make everything work. I know you dont want to go to that rehab place, but you refused to talk with the psychologist too."

Twisting his head to look right into his fathers eyes, Kurt opened his mouth for the first time in days, "I want to go home."

His voice was hoarse, his throat was sore, but he would have given the world to see that amazed and full of tears stare his father gave him.

"One more day, son. But you hafta promise youll talk with the psychologist when she comes here in a few hours." Kurt shrugged. "Kurt."

"Ill try."

Kurt felt more relaxed when the nice nurse, the one his father had been pining for over the past few days was taking care of him. She had a warm smile and treated Kurt like her little son. He liked her, but there was a problem: She was Finns mom.

Her name was Carole and she was the one to get him into the hospital so fast when Finn called her with an unconscious and bleeding Kurt in his arms. Mercedes pressed her jacket on the cuts until it seemed like they had stopped bleeding and Sam left them at the hospitals door, where Finns mom and some other doctors were already waiting for them.

He needed a few blood donations and stitches, but in a matter of days he was much better. But he had to stay at home for a few weeks and still had some stitches on the deep cuts. The psychotherapist and the psychiatrist had prescribed him some pills and anti-depressants; which made him feel numb and a bit tired.

His father was glad that it had been almost the end of the school year when it happened so Kurt could just take some exams and then relax over the summer holidays and he wouldnt have to repeat a year of repeat classes.

Kurt knew Finn and Mercedes stayed at the hospital until he had woken up and came back to visit him once or twice but he had always pretended to be asleep or looked right to his lap, not answering when they asked him something or even pretending that he wasnt listening to them.

His father had looked at them in surprise when Mercedes told him, crying, that they were Kurts only friends and yet he wouldnt even talk to them. So, as soon as Kurt was back at home, Burt had let Mercedes and a few of the New Directions spend some hours there.

There were days when Kurt would let them stay in his room with him and, on the really great days, he would even say a few words or sentences.

Of course, Mercedes was the one who he allowed to stay closer to him, even to pet his hair or have Kurts head in her lap. Finn hadnt appeared yet. The others told Kurt every now and then that he sent greetings and sometimes he would send him a chocolate or a "fashion magazine that he saw and reminded him of Kurt." Hed say thank you, but never invited Finn over or say anything else.

Kurt couldnt do anything, his father and Mercedes had allied together or something like that in order to not leave him alone even for a day. There were always different people with him whod try to invite him to different places and Burt who tried to convince him to go. He always said things like, "Oh, that sounds like a great place," or, "They have really good food there, Ive never been there but they say its a great place," and Kurt almost always groaned and hit his head with his hand when his father practically beamed and said, "Oh, shopping. You love shopping, kiddo."

When the school started again, Kurt didnt feel ready to go for the entire week. So he started going for a few days at a time and his father got him a tutor. He wasnt going to lose a year.

Eventually, Kurt started feeling tired of having all those people around him all the time. If he wasnt at school, he was with the therapist, the psychiatrist, the tutor, his father or the New Directions. He didnt have a minute for himself, to relax and just look at the ceiling.

He knew they all wanted him to "get better", but he felt better; Kurt only wanted them to leave him alone. He wouldnt hurt himself anymore. Yeah, he still felt the need to cut sometimes but he was really afraid of cutting too deep again and they knew it, even though they hadnt talked about the subject openly, only with Burt, to whom Kurt had sworn he wouldnt do it again.

But his father wanted him to go out and make friends; which was why the older Hummel almost jumped up and down when Kurt agreed to go with the New Directions to their Sectionals. And by "agreed" it meant that Mercedes and Quinn had sat with his father and him in the Hummels kitchen talking about how much everybody wanted him to go for three hours until Kurt was coaxed into accompanying them.

His father had changed completely since his mother had gone away; he was the father Kurt had always wanted and he wasnt making things easy for Burt. So when the competition day came around he dressed up in the beautiful yet untouched clothes they had bought on their trip to the mall a few months ago.

Kurt loved the way the black jeans were practically glued to his skin and the grey vest accentuated his itty bitty waist. He hadnt worn tight clothes for months, or even decent sized clothes. He had been wearing two and almost three sizes larger, trying to hide his body and thinking that people would know about his cuts if wore tight clothes.

Also, f or the first time in months, he did his moisturizing routine and coiffed his hair, which was a little longer so he had to put a lot of spray in it and manage it to look messy yet really hot, and it hid a bit the length of his locks.

Kurt heard Mercedes and his father wolf whistle as he came down the stairs. The older Hummel was going on a date with certain kind faced nurse that may or may not be Finn Hudsons mother. He liked the idea of his father dating someone again and, even if it was a little selfish, he liked the idea of his father dating someone in the same state even more.

After saying goodbye to his father, who hugged him and almost cried like Kurt was going on a trip, he hopped up in the car with Mercedes and drove straight to the school. The Glee Club was already on the bus that was taking them to Westerville, where the competition was being held, waiting for the two of them.

Quinn made him sit next to her and held his hand the whole two hours they took to get there, and squeezed it tightly when he sang along quietly to the songs the rest of the group were singing.

Finn and Puck kept away from him, so he could relax a bit and the rest of the group was really welcoming and treated him like their little baby.

As soon as they arrived they were guided to the auditorium where there were another two groups already waiting, it was four hours before the competition started so the audience hadnt arrived yet. One of the groups, The Hipsters, was formed by adults that were finishing their studies; and the other, the Dalton Academy Warblers, a group of all guys.

One of the judges read the rules and assigned the places the performance slots during the competition, whod sing first and who last. Then he let the groups go backstage to dress up and rehearse a little. When they all stood up, the three groups shook the other groups hands and wished them good luck.

Kurt eyes shot wide open as he saw two of the Dalton guys with their arms wrapped around each other and how the blond one leaned in to steal a kiss from the brunette.

"Youll have that someday, Boo." Mercedes gave him a sweet smile.

Kurt sighed and made a little pout. "I know I will."

He gave the couple another look but, when he was turned away, he met the gaze of a pair of doe hazel eyes. A pair of eyes that were attached to a very handsome guy who was looking straight at Kurt.

"Hes totally checking you up. He has since you started looking at the cute couple. His name is Blaine and hes the lead soloist of their group. He introduced himself a few minutes ago."

Kurt didnt answer back; he was too busy blushing as the cute guy gave him a wink and a sweet smile.

"Mercedes, Kurt, we have to go in," Quinn called.

Kurt gave the cute guy an apologetic smile as he walked to the changing room with the New Directions. He stayed with them until the first group was about to sing. He listened their worries and Rachels complaints about not having a solo. He helped them with their costumes and then, he sat in the choirs assigned seating for after their performance.

From where he was, he could see the cute couple a few rows down and the hazel eyed guy, in their same row. The Dalton guy seemed to be looking for someone in the crowd and then he looked close when the New Directions sang, like who he was looking for was on the stage.

Kurt and Mr. Shue stood up and cheered as Sam and Quinn reached the stage and the whole group sang together and then it was when Kurt saw a dark skinned boy next to the cute Dalton guy shake his shoulder and point in Kurts direction. And then he met those huge hazel eyes again and he felt his knees go weak. He ducked down his head when the guy waved at him.

When the New Directions ended their performance, Kurt and the teacher clapped and whistled louder than everyone, stealing smiles from the group. But Kurt wasnt that relaxed, the cute guy hadnt stopped looking at him.

"You know him, Kurt?"

The pale guy shrugged as he wrapped his arms around his waist. He felt nervous. Maybe going out wasnt a good choice. Why if the cute guy was laughing at his clothes and then he saw him staring and decided to flirt with him for a laugh with his friends?

When he looked up, the Warblers were already on stage and the cute guy was singing a Train song and making weird faces. Kurt could feel the guy looking at his direction time and time again, but he managed to look at the other guys in blazers or the floor.

Kurt was really confused when the judges said that both groups had won, and also he felt bad for the poor Hipsters. It must have felt horrible.

He gave the girls a big bear hug and let the guys pat his back, even Finn and Puck. He even took a sip of the Champagne when they cheered and then, as subtly as he could, he left the room and tried to find the Warblers. But when he found it, they were talking in a circle and he didnt feel like interrupting just to ask their lead vocalist if he was playing a joke or something like that.

He was about to walk away when he dropped his phone on the floor and every set of eyes in the room focused on him.

Scared and shaking Kurt started to stutter an apology.

"Hey!" the hazel eyed guy beamed.

"I-I-I… sorry."

He all but ran away after stuttering an apology one more time. As soon as he found an empty room he hid inside.

"Hey, hey, wait! You! Wait a second."

He turned around to see the cute guy on the door looking at him with a dazzling smile and breathing hard.

"There you are." Cute guy took a step closer to Kurt. "Ive been looking for you forever."