By three fifteen the Thursday after the student of McKinley returned from winter break, the hallways were empty. Blaine had met Kurt at their lockers after their last class before Kurt headed home and Blaine went to glee rehearsal. Once the holidays passed, Kurt and Blaine spent the rest of winter break wrapped around each other in Kurt's house. Sometimes they would watch movies or television, commenting on everything from the ridiculous�story lines�of scripted dramas to the fashion choices on various reality shows. It was perfect.

But not that most of their days were consumed by school, they were back to enjoying the little time they had at their lockers or during English class when their teacher assigned things that could be done in groups; or when Blaine didn't have glee rehearsal. The New Directions rehearsal schedule had calmed down some before break, but with regionals in three weeks, The Rachel Berry Schedule was back in full force. And that left Blaine with only a couple of days where he could spend his afternoons with Kurt.

Blaine had fifteen minutes before he had to be in the choir room and Kurt had agreed to stick around at school a little longer just to be with Blaine before rehearsal. Blaine shut the door to his locker then leaned against it, watching as Kurt mirrored him. He was close enough that he could reach out and take Kurt's hand if he wanted to, and he did. Blaine reached over and took hold of Kurt's hand, lacing their fingers together, squeezing gently as their hands hung between them. Blaine looked up to see the smile on Kurt's face and the twinkle in his blue eyes that made the smile on his own lips impossible to conceal. They may not have as much time together as they'd like right now, but for both Kurt and Blaine, this was more than they'd ever dreams was possible; so it was good, very good.

Blaine was telling Kurt about how over break when he'd met with his friends from Dalton, how they broke into an impromptu performance of Uptown Girl that almost gotten them all kicked out of the mall when Kurt tightened the hold on their joined hands and began pulling Blaine down the hallway. Blaine could only manage broken words as his feet followed Kurt's down several empty hallways until Kurt gave once final tug towards the tiny annex between two locker banks. With another tug, Blaine's body went crashing into Kurt's, the other boy's hands landing on Blaine's hips to hold him close. When Kurt's warm lips met his, there was only a moment of shock before Blaine melted into Kurt's touch. They'd never kissed or been this close to each other at school. It was nothing more than some hand holding and a lot of smiles and stolen glances that were elaborated on when they were alone in Kurt's living room.

"Can't you just skip Glee rehearsal," Kurt asked as he broke away and pressed his forehead to Blaine's, his voice a whisper and his breath warm as it hit Blaine's face.

"Regionals are coming up," Blaine said reaching forward to capture Kurt's lips with his own. Despite the fact that he had less than fifteen minutes to get to the choir room, this was where he wanted to be. Maybe not right there, exactly, but with Kurt, holding Kurt, kissing Kurt.

"Boo," Kurt said after they'd separated again, "I guess I'll actually have to do homework tonight."

"On the bright side," Blaine said, "All of this will be over after soon."

"But then you'll have nationals to get ready for and Rachel will keep you hostage and you won't have any free time for me," Kurt said with a slight pout.

Blaine smiled. He wanted to give all his time to Kurt, "You really think we're going to win?"

"You guys sound really good," Kurt said, "And you're the male lead, so if I was a betting man, I'd say you're going to win."

Blaine looked at Kurt with wide, bewildered eyes, "You heard us? When?"

"I may have walked past the auditorium during your lunchtime rehearsal yesterday," Kurt confessed.

"You should have come in and said hello," Blaine said. Kurt gave him a pointed look, "Right."

"But really Blaine," Kurt said his fingers sliding over the sweater at the small of Blaine's back, "You sound amazing. You are amazing, Blaine."

Kurt leaned in and kissed him again. Because that was why he pulled Blaine out of the main hallway, so that he could kiss him and be near him.

"You should probably get going," Kurt said pressing one last chaste kiss against Blaine's lips.

"I have to," Blaine said pressing another quick kiss to Kurt's lips, "But I never said I wanted to."

"Call me when you're done," Kurt said shyly.

"Absolutely."

This was the point where they were supposed to untangle themselves from each other and go their separate ways. But neither of them could bring themselves to move. After a moment of blissful silence the sound of laughter came from somewhere down the hall causing both boys to reluctantly pull away quickly.

There was no goodbye kiss. Only the swipe of Kurt's thumb along Blaine's knuckles before the last physical connection keeping them together was broken.

"I'll see ya later," Kurt said taking a slow step away from Blaine, backing slowly down the hallway.

"Yeah," Blaine said softly, unsure if Kurt could even hear it as he watched Kurt reach the intersection of the hallway and with a smile disappear around the corner.

Blaine had expected to walk into an almost full choir room, but he found it surprisingly empty as he walked in, his lips carrying a smile and the memory of the feeling of Kurt's lips on his. He was the first one there so he took advantage of the empty room and sat down at the piano. He ghosted his fingers over the white keys before he pressed down on the ivory creating a melody to fill the room. He hadn't intended on playing that song, Katy Perry didn't always make for the best piano arrangements, but it seemed like the perfect song because it reminded him of Kurt. The song had come on while he was at Kurt's the day before. Kurt's nose was pointed towards his history textbook, but Blaine's eyes couldn't focus on academics, only Kurt. He watched Kurt, taking in the way his forehead creased when he didn't understand something and then relaxed as he finally comprehended whatever it was that he was reading. Blaine was so lucky to have found Kurt. It was like he found something he didn't even realize he was missing. Kurt understood Blaine like no one else, not his parents or his brother, ever could. Kurt would listen to Blaine as he rattled on and on about singing and dancing and performing, his eyes intensely focused on Blaine, not rolling like his father's did or vacant and uninterested like his mother's. With Kurt, he felt like he was free. Not that he was completely suppressed before, but with Kurt, there was so much possibility. The sky was the limit when he could touch Kurt, hold Kurt, kiss Kurt.

Though they had gotten to know each other pretty well since they started working on their English project last semester, there were parts of Kurt that were still very much a mystery to Blaine. Blaine was aware that there was a part of Kurt that was kept hidden, and despite Blaine's best efforts, Kurt refused to let that part show. Blaine was the only person at school that Kurt socialized with voluntarily, and the suggestion of Kurt coming with Blaine to spend time with the New Directions made Kurt freeze until he stuttered out an excuse not to go. Blaine had only once tried to ask Kurt about it, about his relationship with the New Directions before and why he pushed everyone away. But Kurt got defensive and the subject was quickly dropped. Blaine told himself not to take it personally. That Kurt would just have to learn that he could trust him completely. Blaine would have to show him that it was true; show him that Blaine would be there no matter what.

Was it too soon to call it love? Maybe. But he'd found something special with Kurt. Kurt was a dream come true.

Blaine's thoughts of Kurt, and his piano playing, were interrupted by the booming voice of a very tiny brunette.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rachel shouted as she came to stand next to the piano, her hands on her hips looking down at Blaine where he stayed seated on the piano bench.

Blaine watched her confused, "Uh, playing the pia-"

"Not that, Blaine. That," Rachel said pointing towards the open door.

Blaine had no idea what was going on.

"I saw you, Blaine," Rachel said, "I saw both of you."

"Rachel, what are you-oh," Blaine said as everything dawned on him.

"Oh?" Rachel questioned, "I catch you sucking face with my ex-best friend and all you can say is, 'oh'?"

"Yes," Blaine said sheepishly and feeling a little bit guilty.

Rachel had been one of the main reasons that he and Kurt weren't exactly flaunting their relationship around school. But now she'd seen them together in the hallway and she was looking at him like he'd kicked a puppy right in front of her.

"How long as this been going on Blaine?" Rachel questioned.

"Well, I guess-"

"How long, Blaine?" Rachel asked again but this time Blaine could hear the hurt in her voice, the pain that envelops one when they've been betrayed.

Blaine stayed quiet. He thought for a moment what Kurt would want him to say to her. What if Blaine told her everything? Well maybe not everything, but what if Blaine told Rachel that what he and Kurt had was something special. Would Kurt be angry? Would that hurt Rachel more? He certainly couldn't lie to her, she'd seen them herself.

"About a month," Blaine finally said, his voice tiny fearful of Rachel's reaction.

"A month!" Rachel yelled and Blaine took a breath in preparation for whatever was coming, "You've been his boyfriend for a month and you've never even said anything to me."

"Rachel," Blaine said, "I'm sorry. We just decided until we figured everything out, we'd just kind of lay low."

"You're my friend, Blaine," Rachel said and Blaine could see the tears that had filled her eyes, waiting for the opportunity to trickle down her cheeks, "Do you have any idea how this makes me feel? I've talked to you about this, about him, and you kept this from me and then you kept this from me. I didn't expect him to tell me, he's not my friend anymore. But I thought I would have heard it from you. Now, I feel betrayed."

"Rachel, I know that I should have told you. I'm sorry."

"Has he told you why?"

"Why what?"

"Why he stopped being my friend."

"No," Blaine said shaking his head slowly, "I asked, but he wouldn't answer me."

"If he told you," Rachel said softly, "Would you tell me?"

"Not if he asked me not to."

"I see," Rachel said turning away and walking over to a chair in the front row and began going through her bag, pulling out various pieces of sheet music to occupy herself.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," Blaine said, "I really am."

"I know," Rachel said tucking her hair behind her ear, a gesture Blaine had come to learn she did when she was upset.

Blaine stayed at the piano bench as everyone else filed in, talking amongst themselves, not really noticing Rachel who had become reserved and quiet. He couldn't help but feel guilty. He'd been pouring salt into the wound she kept wide open and now she'd finally caught him red handed. It was then that Blaine began creating a plan. As he walked over to take a seat in the back row, Blaine became determined. He was going to fix Kurt and Rachel's relationship if it was the last thing he did.

Sundays usually sucked for Kurt. His uncle was home all day, so Kurt spent most of his day hiding in his bedroom, only coming out when it was absolutely necessary. Lately, Kurt could find refuge in the text messages he and Blaine would exchange throughout the day. On Sunday, Blaine usually did homework or would bake in the kitchen with his mom, but he would always send Kurt a text when something reminded him of Kurt, or when there was a story he wanted to tell.

But on this particular Sunday, Blaine was on a bus coming home from regionals, probably singing in honor of their victory, and wasn't as responsive as he usual. So while Kurt sat at his desk, fussing over a chemistry problem he didn't really care about, Blaine was having fun with his friends. These same friends used to be Kurt's, and Kurt couldn't help the combination of jealous and loneliness that washed over him. The feelings were slightly unreasonable, but they still ate away at him in the solitude of his bedroom.

Around lunchtime, Kurt decided to journey to the kitchen to get something to eat. While he stayed hidden most of the time, he had noticed the last couple Sundays that he could make it from his bedroom to the kitchen or the bathroom without Uncle Tim being aware of his presence. Kurt wasn't sure if his uncle was just ignoring him, or was actually so out of it that he didn't even notice, Kurt, but if the refrigerator door didn't make too much noise or the cabinet door didn't close loudly, Kurt could make it back to his room without incident.

He should have known today would be different.

Kurt kept his eyes on the brown carpet below his feet as he walked slowly towards the kitchen. But the moment he stepped into Uncle Tim's sight, Kurt could feel his uncle's gaze on him. Kurt froze and let the moment wash over him. He knew this feeling. He what it felt like when he realized that it was going to be a bad day. It had been so long since the last, but the uneasiness that built up inside him was familiar. He knew better than to try and run. He knew better than to raise his eyes. Now that Uncle Tim had spotted him, all he could do was stand there and take whatever was coming.

Normally Uncle Tim would spit hateful words at him first; tell him that he was a pain in the ass and a disgrace for his sexuality, his inability to be a real man. This time, the blow to the side of his face came first, followed by some muttering about interrupting the game. Kurt knew that what he really meant was that Kurt was an interruption to his life. Kurt managed to stay vertical but he staggered backwards a bit. He braced himself for more; another shot to the face, a shot to the gut, but they didn't' come. Breaking his own rules, Kurt looked up, but didn't' quite meet his uncle's eyes. What he found was Uncle Tim watching Kurt, his eyes void of any emotion, including anger, as they focused on Kurt.

Kurt could feel the bruise forming on his cheek as he stood in a standstill with his uncle. Kurt knew that one more, one twitch of a finger or an eye, could set Uncle Tim off again. He didn't understand why his uncle was just staring at him, watching him, but Kurt kept his body locked in place. When Uncle Tim's eyes shifted to meet Kurt's, Kurt fought the urge to shy away. The color of his uncle's eyes reminded him of his father's. They were the same shade of blue that once provided serenity, the protection of a father. But these were not his father's eyes; they were of a hateful man that had made the last year and a half of his life a living hell. Because of this man, Kurt had pushed away his best friend, he'd isolated himself from everything that made him happy, and he almost missed out on the opportunity to get close to the boy of his dreams. Because of the man in front of him, Kurt was on the first flight out of Ohio after graduation. He was running away, and never looking back.

Kurt waited for his uncle to make a move and after a moment Uncle Tim reached over and shoved Kurt's shoulders back causing Kurt to stumble backwards. And then Uncle Tim turned around like nothing had happened and settled back in the chair in front of the TV. He took a sip of his beer and his focused returned to the game. Kurt no longer had his attention.

Kurt scurried into the kitchen, grabbed a couple bottles of water, a bag of chips, a couple apples from the bowl on the counter, and one of the ice packs he kept in the freezer and retreated back to his room. He hated this part the most. This was the part where he had to pretend like there was nothing wrong. This was the part where he had to pretend that his cheek wasn't throbbing and that everything was okay, that he hadn't been punched in the face for absolutely no reason. He set the things from the kitchen on his desk and threw himself onto his bed so that he was looking up at the ceiling as he pressed the ice pack against his cheek. Like always, Kurt ran through the situation again in his mind. How could he have avoided the situation this time? How can he avoid it in the future? He couldn't, and he can't.

Kurt took a deep breath in and out through his nose and reached over to his phone on the nightstand. He had a text message from Blaine and smiled instantly despite the stinging beneath his eye. The message was simple, but for Kurt, it was the best thing that had happened to him that day.

I miss you.

Kurt quickly responded that he missed Blaine too. Sitting there with an ice pack on his cheek, he missed him terribly. He missed the way Blaine made him smile and laugh and the way that Blaine held him. He missed the way Blaine would kiss him on the cheek while they were sitting at the table in the kitchen doing homework or on the couch watching TV.

It had been a bad day. It had been so long since he'd had one but the feelings, the pain, the hurt, the fear, were familiar. Even though he'd retreated to his room, Uncle Tim could walk in any moment and make things worse. But there was nowhere else for Kurt to hide. His room is the safest of the unsafe places for him today. But tomorrow there would be school and there would be Blaine, and for now, that was the closest that Kurt was going to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Seeing Blaine at school the next day had been everything Kurt hope it would be, with the exception of the fact that he had to settle for a kiss on his good cheek and some hand holding as a greeting. Kurt felt something shift inside himself the moment his eyes caught Blaine's smile down the hallway and all he wanted to do was wrap himself in Blaine and forget the rest of the world.

Blaine was buzzing with excitement about the New Directions wins at regionals and almost immediately began telling Kurt about some of the outrageous things that happened to them; most notably the story about how Brittany pushed Artie a little too hard on stage and he almost rolled into the orchestra pit, but they somehow managed to make it work and came home with a very large first place trophy.

"But do you know what the best news is?" Blaine asked a hint of whimsy in his voice.

"What could possibly be better than a first place trophy at regionals and the fact that you're going to nationals in Dallas?"

"Well" Blaine said drawing out the 'e' sound, "Despite Rachel's protest that we should immediately begin preparing for nationals, Mr. Shuester has given us the afternoon off from practice."

"Did he now?"

"He did," Blaine said, "And there was one thing that was absolutely terrible about this weekend."

Kurt's brow creased as he looked at Blaine expectedly.

"I missed you," Blaine said squeezing their intertwined hands,

"I missed you too."

"So do you think I could come over to your place after school? I conveniently forgot to tell my mother that there was no rehearsal, so she's expecting me to be out late."

This would be the first time that Kurt let Blaine in the house after a bad day. He wondered if Blaine could tell that the energy had shifted. That Blaine was sitting in held a secret, that Kurt had a secret. He forced himself not to push away. He'd been able to act his way through the first couple of months of this, he could do it again, couldn't he? He could sit in his kitchen with Blaine doing homework while playing footsie underneath the table all while his cheek was throbbing, the concealer running low but still able to hide the purple and blue that decorated his skin. If he could act like nothing was wrong, if he could forget that he should push Blaine from his life. He should push him away and forget that he ever existed. He should push away the feeling that he got every time that he was with Blaine. He felt safe with Blaine; and all he wanted to do was wrap himself up in Blaine forever. Kurt was falling so hard for Blaine that it made it harder to walk away. The urge to be with Blaine beat out the urge to run.

"Blaine Anderson, you rebel!" Kurt exclaimed with a laugh, "Yes, absolutely, yes you may come over tonight."

"Perfect," Blaine said a toothy smile on his face, "I have to get to class, but I'll see you in English."

"Absolutely."

Blaine leaned over and kissed his cheek, his bad cheek. The bruise beneath the makeup burned underneath the otherwise gentle touch of Blaine's lips on his skin. Kurt flinched at the pain and managed to stifle the gasp that had tried to escape through his lips by inhaling a sharp breath through his nose. Blaine didn't comment or even react to Kurt's gesture. Maybe he hadn't noticed. Maybe he thought nothing of it. When Blaine walked away, Kurt let out the breath he'd been holding, the additional burning on his cheek from the pressure of Blaine's kiss almost gone. In a couple of days the bruise would fade and everything would go back to its twisted version of normal.

"What is this?" Blaine questioned late Saturday afternoon on Kurt's couch where they located to finish their homework as the song playing on Kurt's iPod changed to something different than the usual mix of Broadway soundtracks and Pop songs. Blaine was pretty sure he'd heard it a couple of times before, but it was an oldie, and way outside of what he expected from Kurt Hummel.

"Mellencamp," Kurt answered simply, thinking nothing of Blaine's question as he eyes continued to scan through his history textbook.

"You listen to Mellencamp?" Blaine questioned.

"No, well, yeah, I-uh," Kurt sputtered before he took a deep breath and focused his eyes away from his textbook, but not at Blaine, but towards the speakers, "My dad did; a lot actually. And after he died, I took all of his CDs off the shelf and I put them on my computer. Sometimes I listen to them and I can just picture him bent over the engine of his truck in the garage, the sound of power tools and Mellencamp playing in the background."

"He sounds really awesome," Blaine said unsure what else he could say. This was the first time Kurt had really spoken about his family.

"He was," Kurt said his voice not much more than a whisper as a memory of helping his father in the garage a couple of weeks before he died played in his head, "He was the best dad anyone could ask for. I wish you could have met him. I think he would have liked you."

"I hope so."

Twenty minutes later school books were abandoned to the coffee table and the boys were both laying down on the couch, Blaine half on top of Kurt, kissing along Kurt's jawline. Kurt didn't think that there was anything that could spoil this moment; there was nothing that could take away the completeness he felt when Blaine was that close. That was until Blaine whispered "Rachel knows," against his throat before his lips pressed against his skin.

"Rachel knows what?" Kurt replied trying his best to stay in the moment with Blaine.

'Rachel knows about us," Blaine said after he removed his lips from Kurt and moved so he could look down at Kurt.

Kurt felt like he was falling so he sat up with a jolt bringing Blaine with him. Kurt's eyes were wide and focused on Blaine, "H-how does she know?"

"She-she saw us kissing in the hallway. Remember when you dragged me into the shadows of the hallway."

"You weren't complaining," Kurt bit out and he wasn't sure that he meant for his words to come out so harsh.

"I wasn't," Blaine said, "But she saw us and she cornered me in the choir room."

"And you just told her? You're just telling me now?

"I wasn't going to deny it, Kurt. She saw us," Blaine explained, "And I thought we weren't hiding this, just laying low."

"W-we aren't," Kurt said, "We aren't hiding, Blaine. I just-I just didn't want her to find out this way."

Blaine could hear the slight sadness in Kurt's voice as he spoke.

"She won't tell anyone. She promised it. She was actually really mad at me for not telling her when she found out, but I think she's happy for us. For both of us. She told me so on the way back from regionals."

Kurt didn't say anything. He couldn't help but feel guilty for hurting Rachel.

"Which leads me to my next question," Blaine said running the pad of his thumb along Kurt's cheek, his bad cheek, to get his attention and noticed how Kurt flinched under the tiny bit of pressure, "Hey, what's wrong?"

Kurt cursed himself. The bruise was almost a week old, and he had barely stung underneath Blaine's gentle touch, but Kurt's reaction was the same as if the black and blue hadn't begun to turn to greens and yellows.

"What? No, I'm fine," Kurt said quickly, "You had a question to ask me."

"Right," Blaine said watching Kurt curiously, "Would you do me the honor of accompanying me to the Valentine's Day party Sugar is throwing?"

"Sugar Motta?"

"The one and only. Come on, Kurt. What do you say?"

"I don't know, Blaine."

"Come on, Kurt," Blaine whined, "Listen, I like you, a lot. And I'm pretty sure you like me. But we can't tell anyone and you pretty much just freaked out on me when you find out that Rachel knew. I can't help but sometimes feel like you don't want to be seen with me. You say we're not hiding, but sometimes I feel like we are. And I want to take you out for Valentine's Day. I want to take you, take us, out of his house and out of hiding. I want to show my boyfriend off to all my friends."

A sharp breath escaped from Kurt's lips and he was pretty sure that his heart was going to beat out of his chest. It was the first time either of them had used the term boyfriend and it made Kurt nervous. He was nervous, because if he was Blaine's boyfriend, then Blaine was his and he (totally not in the way you own property) to Kurt. But that also meant that Blaine could be taken away, or lost. And if he allowed himself to be Blaine's (but wasn't he already?) then the loss could be so much greater.

"You can think about it, Kurt," Blaine said, "I just really want to do this. I really think we should."

Kurt nodded. He would think about it. And there was a lot of thinking to do. Because the moment 'boyfriend' came out of Blaine's mouth, everything stopped being about avoiding the kids from glee. That was no longer the issue. Now this came to be about becoming, officially, something more with Blaine; Something that lived outside the walls of the living room and the house. And while he wanted nothing more than to be with Blaine, the thought of exposing their special secret to the world scared him to death.

"Hey, what's that," Blaine said, his hand returning to cup his bad cheek, "Kurt, is that a bruise?"

Kurt froze. He was certain that he had put enough concealer on that morning to cover the blemish. But Blaine's hands had been on his face and some of it must have come off. He silently cursed Uncle Tim for hitting him in the face.

Kurt froze under Blaine's touch. He was certain that he had put enough concealer on that morning to cover the blemish, to keep the secret hidden from Blaine. But Blaine's hand had been on his face and some of it must have come off. He silently cursed Uncle Tim for hitting him in the face. Any other place on his body he could hide with clothing, but as much as he tried to hide this it was staring Blaine's concerned eyes in the face.

"I-uh," Kurt spoke and when he realized that there was nothing he could say to explain this away to Blaine, he stayed quiet.

"Kurt, what happened?" Blaine asked reaching for Kurt's hand, but Kurt pulled away before he could clasp them together.

"I think you need to go, Blaine," Kurt said his voice soft as he tried to keep the tears that he so desperately wanted to cry from running down his cheeks.

"What?"

"Please, Blaine," Kurt pleaded, "Just go."

Baffled, Blaine pulled himself up off the couch and walked over to the kitchen table to grab his bag and the books that were on the table. He had no idea what was going on, what had just happened, but Kurt was sitting on the couch just starting out the window, avoiding Blaine.

"Kurt—"Blaine said as he started to walk towards Kurt's front door.

"I'll see you on Monday," Kurt said his gaze never leaving the dark clouds that were gliding along the sky above him.

Kurt didn't look as Blaine left the house, he only heard the door shut behind Blaine and Kurt watched through the window as Blaine walked to his car, casting the occasional gaze towards the house like he was expecting Kurt to run out after him, tell him that he was sorry. Kurt watched as Blaine pulled his car out of the driveway and down the street until it turned left at the stop sign and disappeared from sight. It was only then that Kurt pulled himself from the couch, grabbed his things, bringing them into his bedroom and dropping them onto the floor next to the door before shutting it behind him. He didn't care about the mess; he just wanted this day to be over, for this school year to go over. He wanted a life where he didn't have to worry about someone finding a bruise or a cut on him and him having to explain it away. Then he wouldn't have to see the pained look on Blaine's face when he pushed him away. Because that's the only way Kurt knew how to deal with any of it. He knew how to push everyone away until he was alone. Until there was no one left but himself to deal with everything. He'd done it to Rachel, and now he'd done it to Blaine. The thought broke something inside Kurt and the tears fell freely as he collapsed onto his bed. He held his pillow tight against his chest as he cried. He cried for every bad thing in his life that led him to that moment. And for the first time in months he felt like he was alone.

Five months to go he reminded himself as he drifted off to sleep.