Teachergirl
July 25, 2012, 12:25 a.m.
The Cell of My Heart: Chapter 14
E - Words: 905 - Last Updated: Jul 25, 2012 Story: Complete - Chapters: 24/24 - Created: Jun 02, 2012 - Updated: Apr 13, 2022 1,002 0 2 0 0
Author's Notes: So this chapter is a bit different because it's Kurt's journal that he gave to Blaine. Originally it had pictures and different fonts but I couldn't upload it properly so it's in raw form here but it still works I hope??Thanks again to Lotti my amazing beta who is a godsend both technically, artistically and mentally :o)
Chapter 14a:
Jan. 1st 2016
"Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk, but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love"
(note to self - Francis Bacon knows his shit - Party sucked. Yet another New Year spent hugging the wall and nursing a vodka cranberry!)
Jan. 2nd 2016
I think this year is all about the ‘new' Kurt Hummel. I have decided to ignore all insecurity and go out and meet people. Rachel said I need to get my butt moving and get ‘out there' as she put it and while her lack of concrete solutions is frustrating, her enthusiasm is infectious.
I, Kurt Hummel, solemnly swear to kick start my life.
Jan 5th 2016
It's hard to ‘kick start' operation ‘find Kurt some friends' when all I meet on a daily basis are seven year olds and their parents. Not a lot of gay single dads in Ohio.....
Jan 6th 2016
Sometimes I feel like I lost a part of myself back in high school. Or maybe I found a part of myself there but it never managed to come with me afterwards.
Jan 18th 2016
Rachel and Finn back from New York trip accompanied by pretty hefty diamond on finger.....want to be happy for them. I smile anyway.
Jan 19th 2016
Why isn't it me?
Feb 3rd 2016
‘The days stretch out infinitely,
you don't see
you never see me
you know me, but you just haven't found me yet.'
Feb. 10th 2016
One of the kids at school read me this today from Dr Seuss "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" - I had to leave to go to the bathroom. I love this quote. I loved her hopeful little face.
Feb. 11th 2016
I should have told her how much you can cry just waiting for things to happen....
Feb 14th 2016
I received fifteen Valentine's day cards today - all from seven year olds!
Finn made me help him decorate their flat with candles and roses and all that crap so he could surprise Rachel. It was pretty sweet I guess.
Tonight, I watched Moulin Rouge and wallowed.
Feb. 15th 2016
Its 1.37am so I guess technically the 15th but I'm still up. Is it wrong that I'm jealous of Satine at the end of this movie?
March 4th 2016
Rachel has come up with plan that involves forcing me out of the house every other Friday night to go with her to ‘Shhhh' the new, and quite frankly ridiculously named gay bar that's just opened. Tonight is the first night and I'm really nervous. I haven't been with any one since Aiden in second year.
Shit shit shit, this was a bad plan......
March 5th 2016
"Every time we constantly seek approval in others, we lose a little bit more of ourselves" - ..................
March 25th 2016
Yeay! Met a guy in bar last night. He said I looked like a pixie and he had beautiful blonde dirty hair that kept flopping into his eyes. I gave him my number. I really hope he calls.
March 26th 2016
He called !!!!!!!! I have a date !!!!! Going out on Friday night for drinks......
March 29th 2016
I really like him. Really, really like him. He's smart and funny and ok. a bit arrogant but he said all the right things and he kissed me and tried to get into my pants so I think that's a good sign.
March 31st 2016
Reading Prozac Nation; it's beautifully sad - "With every day that goes by I feel myself becoming more and more invisible."
April 1st 2016
He hasn't called. Been listening to the Smith's song ‘Asleep' on repeat. It's soothing.
April 4th 2016
Went up to Cedar Hill today to watch the sunset. Was completely beautiful. I forget sometimes.
April 17th 2016:
Quinn sent me a quote today that I completely love - obviously the Yale education has paid off if Quinn is quoting Nietzsche!!
"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."
It's put a smile on my face all day! Now if only the rest of the dear world could agree with dear old Friedrich :o)
April 23rd 2016
After all these quotes I've been reading lately I've decided to just shove my favourites in here. I've decided to do a quote a day that most resonates with me!
Today's beauty is....
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Courtesy of Mr Wilde himself - the best of gay men!
April 24th 2016
Reading back over yesterday's quote after the dream I had last night; I think I feel like all I ever do is exist......Wilde was imprisoned because he loved someone the whole world thought was wrong; I feel like my heart's in a cell; someone has the key but they keep walking by and walking by and walking by and never stop to let me out!
For the sake of upholding the quote promise......
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Camus
April 25th 2016
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'"
April 26th 2016:
"Sing me to sleep,
Sing me to sleep,
I don't want to wake up
on my own anymore. "
"Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know.
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go."
Comments
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OMG IS BLAINE THE KEY TO KURT'S HEART? Please update soon!! Kurt is so damn sad.......omg
hmmmm who knows ;o) .........? The next mini chapter's up already but you'll have to wait for the next few - I promise thought they are MUCH more fluffy and sweet!