May 30, 2012, 4:36 p.m.
There's A Fine, Fine Line: Blaine's POV
M - Words: 4,568 - Last Updated: May 30, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 4/? - Created: May 30, 2012 - Updated: May 30, 2012 188 0 0 0 0
There's A Fine, Fine Line Part III (Blaine's POV)
Blaine knows that people have a particular opinion about him, that they see him a certain way. Blaine's family, his teachers, his friends, even his boyfriend have made it no secret that they all think of him as the quintessential nice guy: charming, polite, understanding, dapper. Blaine's almost obsessively well mannered and the fact that he was raised on old money and in "polite society" shines through in his every action. Puck teases him constantly, calling him an authority figure's wet dream and insisting he's the only kid on the planet that could wake up hung over in Kurt's bed, be caught by Burt Hummel and live to tell the tale. His nickname among his new Glee club is "Dapper Dan" and everyone ribs him about being old fashioned and the fifties calling and wanting their sensibilities back. Blaine takes the nickname and the teasing in stride because he figures that, as far as reputations go, being known as a nice guy isn't such a bad thing. From the way he pulls out chairs and opens doors to the way he gels his curls into submission to his outward appearance of calm control, Blaine has perfected not the mannerisms but the art of being a gentleman.
Being a gentleman is important to Blaine and he does his best to live up to his grandfather's decree that "a gentleman is a man who can disagree without being disagreeable". Blaine rarely shows his temper and it's almost unheard of for him to raise his voice. When he's slighted or insulted most of the time Blaine simply turns the other cheek. Not because he's holier than thou, but because he truly believes in being the bigger man. He has no problem standing up for himself; he simply believes that standing up for himself doesn't mean he has to step on someone else, even if that person is trying to step on him. He'll fight for what he believes in but part of what he believes in is civility and respect and it takes a mighty push for him to abandon his principles, even in the heat of battle.
That push however, is coming faster and harder these days in the form of Finn Hudson. Dealing with Finn has required every ounce of Blaine's self control and restraint. Finn's dismissive of Blaine's ideas, hostile to his presence and disrespectful of his place in Kurt's life. Blaine is growing weary of constantly turning the other cheek, and is rapidly reaching the end of his rope. The other teen has been passive aggressive and condescending. Finn's competitive and combative, taking every opportunity presented to him to try and provoke, bully and belittle Blaine. It's gotten to the point where people have noticed and started to comment on it, from Kurt's sharply worded reprimands to Santana's quip about Finn wanting to "kick him in the Warblers" Finn's behavior has gotten to the point where it's impossible to ignore. Even Rachel, who rarely notices conflicts if her interests aren't in some way represented, felt the need to let Blaine know that she was planning to talk to Finn and "ease his insecurities and hopefully bring about a swift and amicable resolution to their differences."
Blaine wonders-and not for the first time-if Rachel has any inkling of exactly why since Blaine's transfer, Finn's attitude towards him has undergone a 360� turn. Blaine's relatively sure that most of their friends assume that Finn's seemingly sudden dislike of him can be chalked up to Finn simply fearing that Blaine will take his place as the male lead in New Directions and Finn's issues with competition in general. He's also relatively sure that Rachel would also list the drunken kiss that she shared with Blaine and their ill fated flirtation as reasons. Blaine however, knows that it's none of those things. He knows that Finn's problem with him can be summed up in one four letter word: Kurt.
Blaine knows Finn and Kurt have a complicated history and not all of its good. He's well versed in the Story of Furt. A few weeks after they had started dating Kurt had blushed and stammered his way through explaining that when he was a lonely, insecure, semi-closeted and then newly out 16 year old he'd nursed a hopeless crush on Finn. Blaine had held Kurt as he buried his face in Blaine's neck and told him about mean spirited makeovers and Operation Parent Trap and falling for and following around Finn like a slightly demented but sharp tongued and fashionable lovesick puppy.
Blaine knows even though he and Kurt have had parallel experiences, there are sharp and clear dividing lines between those experiences and how they've been shaped by them. Kurt's crush on Finn brings those lines into focus. Blaine respects that Kurt developed feelings for Finn and logically he can acknowledge it; but emotionally he simply doesn't understand it. He tries to put himself in Kurt's place but no matter how he tilts the lens he's looking through he can't see the circumstances in which he could develop feelings for a guy who threw balloons filled with urine at him and stood silently by while his friends threw him in a dumpster like he was trash. But then, Blaine figures that's one of the fundamental differences between him and Kurt. Blaine's mastered the art of being a gentleman but Kurt has mastered the art of forgiveness.
Blaine knows Kurt's feelings for Finn haven't always been strictly platonic but he also knows he has nothing to worry about because any romantic feelings Kurt had for Finn came to an abrupt end in Kurt's basement a few months later, long before Blaine ever entered the picture. He knows that Kurt and Finn moved past the awkwardness and bonded as brothers. He knows that Kurt has legitimately forgiven and chooses to act like he's forgotten their painful past and Kurt has assured him that he has a genuine affection for his step brother that is in no way inappropriate.
Blaine doesn't doubt Kurt is telling him the truth. Kurt's feelings aren't the problem. Blaine knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that while Kurt's romantic feelings for Finn are dead and buried, Finn's romantic feelings for Kurt are alive and well.
Blaine knows he can be oblivious but that's only when it comes to people having feelings for him. When it comes to people having feelings for Kurt, he has excellent radar. He sees how Karofsky looks at Kurt whenever they're out and they run into the bigger boy. He's noticed that he's not the only one Sebastian eyes hungrily when he thinks no one is watching and he remembers last weekend when he'd practically had to climb into his boyfriends lap to stake his claim when they'd gone to a musical theatre workshop and that boy from the NYADA mixture, Gavroche had been there. Blaine may be oblivious but he's not blind and he knows what it looks like when someone is interested in his boyfriend and Finn, well, Finn is very interested.
Finn…Finn took some time for Blaine to catch onto. He simply wasn't looking, never imagined, and hadn't considered that Finn could harbor feelings for Kurt. It isn't so much that Finn identifies as straight, it isn't even that Kurt and Finn are stepbrothers, what consistently throws Blaine each and every time he thinks about Finn's feelings for Kurt is that he can't figure out where Rachel fits into the equation.
It was Finn's feelings for Rachel, or rather his lack thereof, that served as Blaine's wake up call. He and Kurt had been on a double date with Finn and Rachel when the topic had turned to New York. As Rachel talked about all the places she wanted to visit, shows she wanted to see and things she wanted to do, Blaine noticed that Finn didn't look particularly devastated that she was leaving. Blaine knew that Finn was planning on staying in state and attending OSU and that he and Rachel weren't even going to try to make it work long distance. Finn looked sad, yes, but not like someone who was losing the person they loved. He looked like someone who had long since let go.
Then Kurt had joined Rachel in the conversation, naming his own New York wish list and Blaine gave silent thanks that he'd followed his mother's advice and put his Dalton education to use so he could test out of several required courses at McKinley allowing him to graduate alongside Kurt. He smiled fondly at his boyfriend and then his eyes slid over to Finn and his heart almost stopped.
The look Finn wore was an expression that Blaine knew was mirrored on his own face. It was a look full of awe and appreciation, want and desperation, affection and desire. Blaine remembers the shock he'd felt as he'd watched Finn's gaze sweep over Kurt's form, take in the long, lean lines of his body and the pale perfection of his skin and soften at the gentle flush on his cheeks and the sparkle in his eyes. Finn wasn't just looking at Kurt with love; he was looking at Kurt as if Kurt was love.
That single look had opened Blaine's eyes and he'd begun to notice. He noticed every time he saw Finn's arm casually loped around Kurt's shoulder as they walked down the hall at school. He noticed every time Finn would hug Kurt, tucking Kurt into him as if he were made to fit there. He noticed Finn's insistence on sitting next to Kurt whenever possible and how whenever he did he suffered from an inability to stop touching Blaine's boyfriend. Blaine noticed Finn's tendency to invite himself on their dates and attempts to make sure that Kurt and Blaine had as little time together as possible. Blaine noticed and while it made him vaguely uncomfortable, he decided he had enough faith in Kurt and in their relationship to not overreact.
He also has enough faith in his relationship with Kurt that they don't keep secrets from each other. Blaine had known that telling Kurt he was sure that his stepbrother was in love with him was going to rate among their most awkward conversations ever, possibly only outweighed by his confession that he had encouraged Burt to give Kurt "the talk". Kurt's response to Blaine's announcement however wasn't the same indignant and slightly horrified reaction that Blaine had been anticipating.
Kurt had merely reached out, taken Blaine's hand in his and said, "I know. I…I've known for awhile actually. I wasn't sure how…to say anything to you about it and truthfully wasn't sure that I should because the truth is Blaine it doesn't matter. I love Finn, but I'm in love with you. Finn, he's family and he's a good friend-one of my best friends-but that's all that he is. You are the other half of my heart. The only feelings that matter in our relationship are yours and mine."
They had made a pact, to give treat Finn's feelings with respect but not let them dictate the course of their relationship or their behavior. Kurt promised to take a harder line when Finn's treatment of Blaine crossed the line and Blaine promised to come to Kurt immediately if anything happened to change his mind about their decided course of action. It had been a relatively easy agreement for Blaine to keep until Kurt and Blaine consummated their relationship and –thanks to an ever helpful Santana it became public knowledge. After that, Finn went from passively disliking Blaine to actively hating him. The put downs, the subtle and not so subtle jabs, the aggression and antagonism, the dirty looks that occasionally slip out despite Finn's best of intentions all intensified after that day in the choir room.
Blaine doesn't appreciate the hostility and knows he doesn't deserve it, but he understands it. He puts himself in Finn's place and thinks back to the first six months of his relationship with Kurt and how blind he'd been. He can't imagine how much it would hurt if he had never gotten his head together, missed out on his chance with Kurt and then had to sit back and watch Kurt be in love with someone else. He's pretty sure he'd be feeling-and possibly even acting a lot like Finn is now.
So Blaine understands, and no matter how angry he gets or much he wants to lash out he doesn't. He doesn't because he promised Kurt and because he's a gentleman and because he understands, as much anyone can, why Finn's acting the way he is.
And then there's Rachel. Rachel, who Blaine legitimately cares for who he is sure has no idea that her boyfriend has not only fallen out of love with her but fallen in love with his brother-who just happens to be her best friend. Blaine knows Rachel well enough to know that if the diminutive diva ever had a whisper of a thought that Finn's heart lay elsewhere she wouldn't wait until graduation and New York to leave Finn behind, she'd be done here and now in Lima, Ohio.
He's in the middle of that thought when they pull into the driveway of the Hudmel's house. "Their talk must have gone relatively well if Rachel's joining us," Kurt says as he sees her car parked behind Finn's.
"You realize it's just as likely she thinks it went well when in actuality it was a complete disaster?" Blaine quips, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning to look at his boyfriend.
"Of course," Kurt agrees, a small smile playing around the corner of his mouth, "But I choose to think positively." Kurt gives him a swift kiss on the lips and they exit the car.
They make it halfway to the door before Blaine remembers that he left his phone in the SUV and rushes back to get it. By the time he retrieves it, Kurt's already in the house. He opens the door and steps inside, just in time to see Kurt take off his scarf and chastise Finn about eating an entire tray of Christmas cookies.
Blaine greets Finn and Rachel and yells out a hello to Burt and Carol before stepping behind Kurt and beginning to brush away the bits of snow clinging to his hair. Finn's expression becomes glacial and barely manages to mumble a hello to Blaine before taking Rachel by the hand and dragging her into the living room. Kurt sighs, a small, sad sound that Blaine only hears because he's right there in Kurt's personal space before he leads Blaine up to his bedroom where they check their emails and get a little homework done before dinner.
Rachel's presence seems to create a palpable tension at the dinner table. She keeps watching Finn, as if she's looking for something very specific and her eyes keep darting from Finn to Kurt and occasionally over to him and the worse Finn behaves the sharper her looks become.
And Finn's in rare form tonight. Whenever Blaine speaks a sour, almost disgusted look crosses his face. He takes every opportunity exclude Blaine from the conversation and seems to get frustrated by Kurt's refusal to fall for that particular trick. The only time he gets outright nasty though, is when Blaine is explaining to Burt exactly how and why he's graduating early and talking about his audition portfolio for NYADA.
Finn makes a remark about how difficult NYADA is to get into and how Blaine might want to try OSU. The comment itself is fairly innocuous but the tone in which he says it in is anything but. Blaine feels his temper rise and he knows he's about to lose it but it's at that moment Kurt decides that enough enough's.
"Finn Hudson, Blaine is amazingly talented, and his extracurricular activities from Dalton are quite impressive. Not only was he the lead soloist for the Warblers but he was on the lacrosse and fencing teams as well as a member of the academic decathlon team and a member of several student groups. He holds a perfect 4.0, is a valuable member of New Directions and was the lead in our school play," Kurt begins, and Blaine isn't sure how or when it happened but he can tell that Kurt's not exactly in control of his words or his temper. Blaine's tempted to sit silently by and let Kurt verbally bitch slap Finn but he knows Kurt and he knows that in Kurt's hands words are a weapon and if he's upset enough he'll wield them with abandon. He knows that he has to get the train back on the tracks before Kurt says something he can't take back about something he's nowhere near ready to deal with.
He gently squeezed Kurt's thigh under the table and Kurt simply comes to a halt. Kurt takes one unstable breath before turning to smile at Blaine, "NYADA would be crazy not to take you," he finishes quietly.
Blaine squeezes Kurt's hand and they exchange a look during Blaine expresses his gratitude and Kurt gives his thanks, before Blaine turns to Finn and tries to school away any trace of irritation from his face before answering. , "You're right. NYADA is terribly competitive," Blaine agrees then continues, "Kurt and I talked about it and while Ms. Pillsbury means well, we decided that putting all our eggs in one basket just isn't wise. New York and NYADA is of course, our first choice but we've also applied to NYU, Tisch, Marymount Manhattan, The American Musical and Dramatic Academy and The New York Conservatory for Dramatic Arts."
Blaine knows that Kurt hasn't exactly shared the extent to which they've planned for a future in New York. He knows that no one, not even Rachel knew that NYADA wasn't the only school they've applied to together and no one knew that not all the schools are in New York.
Or at least they didn't until Kurt opened his mouth and began to speak. "If for some reason New York isn't feasible we've also applied to Boston University, Berklee College of Music, Carnegie Mellon University, UCLA, and as in state options Kent State and the University of Cincinnati's College Conservatory of Music," Kurt explains, glaring at Finn before looking over at Burt.
Blaine notices the way Carol lets out what looks like a relieved sigh and Burt's shoulders sag forward just a bit as if a weight has been lifted off of them. He also notices Finn's expression has gone from displeased to dejected and that he's stabbing his carrots with more force than Blaine thinks is strictly necessary.
He can't really concentrate too hard on Finn though, because Burt's talking again and yeah, Blaine read him right. Burt's relieved that Kurt's looking past NYADA, even examining some in state options. Burt and Blaine joke back and forth for a bit, the smile not quite reaching Blaine's eyes when he notices Kurt giving Finn a look full of affection and forgiveness. It doesn't even take a second and Finn's signature goofy grin is on his face and he's struggling with Kurt to be able to tell an inappropriate joke.
After Burt and Carol retire to their room Rachel, who's been unusually quiet, stands in the doorway and simply watches Finn and Kurt. Blaine joins her, taking note of the way Finn's hand lingers on the small of Kurt's back as he guides him from the dining room to the kitchen and how his touch lingers just a hair too long when he pats him on the shoulder. He wonders if Rachel sees the way Finn leans into Kurt's personal space and how close his lips are to Kurt's ear when he whispers whatever it is that makes Kurt laugh and shake his head.
Blaine practically sees the moment the light comes on for her. Kurt and Finn are gathering up supplies for cookies and cocoa and somehow end up under the mistletoe. Kurt takes the moment to besmirch both the plant and the tradition, while Finn simply looks at Kurt with such want and anticipation that it takes every ounce of the gentleman in Blaine to simply trust that Kurt will handle the situation in a way that respects Rachel, Finn's feelings and their relationship and not just march over there and kiss his boyfriend his damn self.
As usual Kurt rewards his faith in him. He smiles warmly up at Finn and gives him a small peck on the cheek. Affectionate but chaste, exactly the kind of mistletoe kiss you'd give your brother and then simply continues to gather their after dinner snack.
Blaine sees Rachel stiffen and then walk away. He watches her as she makes her way over to the Christmas tree and starts fingering the decorations and looking-to his eyes at least-like she's fighting back tears.
He slowly makes his way over to her, giving her a few moments so she can compose herself before he steps next to her and says as sincerely as he knows how, "I'm so, so sorry Rach."
And that is the truth. He is truly sorry. He's sorry that Finn and Rachel couldn't make it work and that it hurt both of them. He's sorry that Finn is in love with Kurt and that's hurting both of them too. He's sorry that there wasn't a way to spare Rachel whatever measure of pain she's going through now and he's sorry that he can't make it better for her or for Finn.
He's expecting it when she asks him how he can stand to know, to see it and know and he tells her the truth: he's in love with Kurt. Blaine honestly thinks that his being in love with Kurt, them being together and planning their future speaks for itself so he's taken aback by her response.
"Did you not seeFinn? The way he was looking at Kurt, the way he hangs on his every word, the way he touches him? And the way Finn treats you, God Blaine, how can you just…how can you put up with that? I realize denial can be a powerful force but surely you see that continuing to cling to your fa�ade of a relationship will only cause more pain in the end. I for one have come to the conclusion that ending things with Finn is the only viable option and as your friend I encourage you to do the same." Rachel says indignation and resignation coloring her tone. Blaine also hears her legitimate concern for him and he realizes that she doesn't understand, that she thinks he's deluding himself.
Blaine gives a small shake of his head and sighs. He tells her the truth again, hoping that she'll listen, and not just hear him. "Rachel," he says softly, gently as if he knows he's about to hurt her and doesn't want to," I'm not ending things with Kurt because of Finn's behavior. I'm dating Kurt, not Finn. I'm in love with Kurt, and he's in love with me."
He can tell he gets through to her this time because she doesn't argue back. He lays a comforting hand on her shoulder, wanting to hug her but thinking that might be a bit too much for her right then. He decides to offer her the only thing he can, his friendship and understanding, hoping it's enough. "For what it's worth, I don't think he meant to hurt you. I think he's just…struggling right now. I can't tell you what to do and I won't, but I will be there for you. I know this isn't something you probably want to talk about with a lot of people so if you need someone, just know that I'm here."
For one horrible moment it looks like she's going to cry and one single tear tracks its way down her face before she hastily wipes it away. She nods at Blaine and he knows it's because she doesn't trust herself to speak. If he were in her place he wouldn't trust himself to be able to form words that didn't sound bitter and broken.
They both turn as Kurt and Finn walk into the room with hot chocolate and cookies, laughing and joking, looking for all the world like the friends and step brothers they are.
Rachel meets Blaine's eyes and he they silently make their way over to their boyfriends. When Kurt sits down and Finn automatically claims the seat next to him Blaine fights back the urge to take his mug and bludgeon Finn with it because really, Rachel is right there but he takes a deep breath and sits down on Kurt's other side, his heart growing heavy when he sees Rachel sitting alone in an armchair that seats two.
Kurt's talking to Blaine about how much he likes his curls and about how excited he is to be going to Vail with him and his family, and every trace of irritation Blaine was feeling disappears because Kurt is looking at him with such naked devotion that he can't feel anything but how much he loves Kurt and how loved he is in return.
They all sit there for awhile, making small talk until Rachel announces that she's ready to leave. Blaine gets the feeling that she's talking about for more than the just the night but it's not his place to say anything so he simply begins helping Kurt clean away the mess while Finn helps Rachel into her coat.
Somehow, Blaine and Kurt end up under the mistletoe. Kurt's lips quirk with the effort it takes to bite back a smile and Blaine waggles his eyebrows in response. Kurt giggles, then simply melts into Blaine, heat spreading at every point their bodies connect. They are thigh to thigh, chest to chest, hip to hip, lips mere inches apart and they still aren't close enough. Blaine's mouth moves over Kurt's, intimately mapping every inch, lazily giving and receiving pleasure, forgetting everyone and everything but the boy in his arms.
He thinks he hears the door open but he can't really be sure. By the time they finally break away, breathless and a little giddy, they notice that they are alone and Blaine realizes he has to tell Kurt what happened tonight.
"Kurt, Rachel knows."
Kurt, to his credit doesn't play dumb or ask Blaine if he's sure. He simply folds himself back into his boyfriend's arms and sighs. "I figured as much. I never, ever wanted to hurt her. Well, not recently. A couple of years ago I would have gleefully murdered her but now...she's like the sister I never wanted and sometimes wish I didn't have but really don't know what I'd do without." Kurt's voice thickens at the end and Blaine knows he's fighting back tears and it kills him to know Kurt's hurting.
"You aren't the one that hurt her baby," Blaine says, pressing a kiss into Kurt's temple, "and for what it's worth I don't think Finn meant to hurt her either."
"I know," Kurt sighs, "I just wish there was some way for everyone I love to be happy."
The sadness in Kurt's voice breaks Blaine's heart but he knows there really isn't anything he can say that will make things any better so he just wraps his arms even tighter around his boyfriend and simply holds on. When Kurt returns the embrace, his arms tight around Blaine and his head in the crook of his neck, Blaine knows neither one of them has any intention of ever letting go.