Blaine wakes in the dark of night.  He’s flat on his back, and he stiffens, fear gathering and multiplying in the pit of his stomach and he’s so afraid to open his eyes and look because if he looks he’ll have to face it again and he can’t do it he just can’t and-

The bed dips beside him and suddenly a hand is snaking over his stomach and pulling him close, Blaine’s body sliding sideways a few inches before coming to a stop against the most glorious skin in the world.  A nose snuggles into his neck and lips mouth at his collar bone before sighing against him and he relaxes.

He is here.  Kurt is still here is all he registers before turning toward Kurt and burrowing into his smell, his body, his everything.  

Blaine will never let him go.

***

It’s been six weeks and Blaine’s apartment shows signs of change.  

5 paintings in the hallway.

2 toothbrushes in the bathroom.

2 sets of keys stowed in the blown-glass bowl in the hallway.

16 pairs of boots in the closet.

(Blaine wonders about this last one.  How does one own so many pairs of boots?  And this being winter these are just the “winter pairs, Blaine, honestly”.  Honestly?)

And there has definitely been a learning curve.  Kurt’s inability to keep all of his notebooks and projects in the study is...new.  Blaine is so used to being alone in his space that when it first started happening there were some tense moments...followed by gentle teasing and then...

Blaine honestly can’t say he minds spending so much time in his bedroom.

And there are moments when one or the other finds something about this new and beautiful thing they have found so fragile that he is afraid and tries to pull back, close away and lock the shutters because it is both exhilarating and terrifying to let someone love him.  To look forward to coming home at night and not be so bone-achingly alone.  But the world could take it from him and so he folds in on himself and the silence expands until the other realizes and pries at the edges of the other’s fear, holds tight to the concepts of ‘we’ and ‘us’ and ‘forever’ until the other clings back and bleeds out his fears and the ties that bind them are stronger.

And it is hard but it is so, so worth it to be we-us-together.

There is so much to be done.  So much to look forward to.

Together.

____

Meta Meta Meta

First of all - this is my first meta so if I’m doing it wrong: I’m sorry.  Secondly: I’m laying it all out here for everyone to see because, well, this journal is anon for me and I truly want you to know where this story came from.  #nojudgement

Ok.  So.  In my teenage years I had a stupid little dub/non-con fantasy that was firmly lodged in my...spank bank.  (That’s what I said.  Haters gon’ hate.)  It was about a woman (because, you know, I’m a girl) who is dressed in a short, tight skirt and a low-cut shirt and she is grabbed and pushed against the wall and taken.

Now.  In my head I had made parameters for her.  She didn’t know it was going to happen THEN but she KNEW it was going to happen and had asked for it.  I didn’t have all that planned out.  I just knew it was safe non-con.  The place she was taken was never dirty.  She loved every damned second of it, and he was gentle and nice to her, if forceful.

Yeah. It should be noted that I prefer to be submissive in bed.  Being “owned” or “taken” are my thing.  You may have noticed this in my fic.
So.  When I was talking to Squirrel about this fantasy that has long since gone the way of the Dodo (I mean honestly, I have all this reading material and gay porn now, GOD.) I said to her, “Hey.  Why do you think it would be safe, huh?  Did she PAY him to do this?  Is it what he does for a living?  Oh GOD what if there was a place where you paid to have any sexual fantasy you have come true?  And it just did?  It would have to be super expensive, right?  Because no sexual fantasy has condoms so they would have to test everyone and make DAMNED sure that no one was a crazy or...

And thus Desiderate was born.

I was afraid to write this, though, because I knew I wanted Kurt to be good at his job but hate that he had it.  I can see him putting himself into a character to do each and every encounter.  But then you saw him go back to his cat.

So.

Here’s all my backstory for everything in this story (if you’re still here: FOUR FOR YOU!  I’m sorry if this is boring...)

Blaine
Blaine LOVES math.  He LOVES that he’s good at it.  He’s proud that he got this job aside from the idea that his dad wanted him to succeed - that’s like the icing on the cake.  He will keep this job.  He doesn’t feel like he needs to leave it or go play music.  To me he still loves music in this but he has another strength that he has great pride in that he can capitalize on.  In terms of his choosing to go to Desiderate?  I think he was very, very lonely and just decided to do it.  Just said, “Fuck it, it’s there.”  I DO think he struggled with it after making the decision and almost cancelled many, many times.  But...I think that he locks himself away from the fact that it’s technically prostitution by telling himself they are a wish-fulfillment service (much like the Genie in Aladdin...).  Did he really want to get to know Kurt?  Yes.  It was the look in his eyes before they fucked on the dance floor, the way he danced with him, and the kiss to the back of his neck as he left.  Blaine wanted more of that.  He just wanted to see if he could feel something real after experiencing something so out-of-character.

Kurt
I don’t have as much thought on Kurt.  He’s basically Canon Kurt but he never had Blaine.  He has some sexual experience but I don’t know how much before he started working at Desiderate.  I DO know he wasn’t a virgin in either capacity when he started the position (hahahaha...that’s funny to me).  He was allowed to choose his assignments from preselected matches at Desiderate and thus he always chose to be the “driver” (top).  I had him do this because I honestly feel as though it is a completely different thing to invite someone into your body than to be the one entering someone else.  YES they are both intense and giving of yourself to another but saying, “Ok, enter me, impale me, you could hurt me or please me” is a big fucking deal and I don’t think he would have ever given that up...until Blaine said he wanted him.  HIM.  And then his body just said “Please.  Please fucking have me.  I want you more than anything else in this whole wide world. Erase the bad and give me some good.  Please.”

And then the scene in the living room went down.

THE LIVING ROOM.  Right.  A few people were like, “Why can’t he go to Blaine’s bedroom, eh?  WHY?  What’s that deal?  What what?  

I was like, “oops, I guess I made that too big a deal”.  I just wanted them to have a nice solid surface to fuck on, people, because I knew what position I wanted and in a bed it would be a whole less sturdy, awkward, and bouncy.

Burt
Oh, I know.  Everyone’s like, “WHAT HAPPENS WITH BURT?!?!!!1111oneeleventy”  

Guise.

GUISE.

This story is not about Burt.  It’s about Kurt and Blaine.  

When I thought of putting some kind of closure on Burt’s story in either a “he’s dead” or “zomg Blaine’s money and his company found a specialist and saved his ass” way I felt overwhelmed and derailed because it feels superficial.  I didn’t want to close up a story line that - realistically - could have no answer for months OR could have an abrupt end with Carole.  That part of the story is the “why” of Kurt.  Not the “what” of the main story which was two lonely people finding each other through an (admittedly) shady deal.

I’m not going to tell you if Burt lived or died because I honestly DON’T KNOW.  I can’t decide and so I will leave it up to you.  If you want him to have miraculously woken up after a year in a coma have at it.  If you want Carole to pull the plug (you sadistic bastard...hahahaha) go for it.  If you want Blaine to dump all his money into specialists until they live in a hut next to the George Washington Bridge okay.  Well...maybe not that last one.

Desiderate
Desiderate literally means “want”.  It’s from the Latin for desire.  I wanted the place to be called WANT but I didn’t want it to be that cheesy so I (figuratively) pulled out my trusty thesaurus and looked for a word that matched my needs.  I about came in my pants when I found this word it was so perfect.  The name set up what the card would look like.

Clara came out of nowhere.  I don’t think she’s heartless - she’s just a ruthless businesswoman who is pissed off that she lost a match that so many people would want to tap.  She would’ve had him bottom for her for the free ones, too.  I know it.  But she sees it as good business, so...

The logistics of Desiderate itself are pretty insane.  I believe it has a company that is its “front” and that it functions well on the outside...I believe what Nikki said is true - that 99% of the people who work there WANT to work there and LIKE what they do.  There are people out there that love sex, would have sex with multiple people if they were guaranteed no illnesses or attachments.  Hence the trackers.  Oh, the trackers are so scary but the way I visualize them is as tiny blood filtering devices with a pinpoint monitoring GPS.  They read and transmit data from the client’s blood every other day and they track the client’s location at all times.  They are highly sensitive and Clara had them designed for this company. Why do you think it costs $20k a pop?  Because it’s expensive for the sex?  Hell no!  The matches are clean, too - and tracked.  Which is why Nikki is so scared to talk to Blaine.  Clara monitors her because she knows all the secrets.  I see Nikki as a certified nurse because she has to put in and take out trackers, too, even though I know that’s pushing it a bit because it’s almost like minor surgery.  But can’t you see Clara getting her the training for this?!  I can.

This story is kind of like a cross between Pretty Woman (prostitute meets rich guy and they save each other), The Game (Michael Douglas has his mind royally fucked and thinks his life is utterly destroyed by a company that makes high-end adventures comes true), and Moulin Rouge (Someone owns Kurt and he owes so he can’t leave).  So it’s The Game of Pretty Moulin.  ;)

Other Points Of Interest:
I believe Kurt is more of a bottom and Blaine is more of a switch in this story.  Kurt topped for his job...and I think he would top for Blaine because he seemed to love it so much.

I want to go to a club like Hexx.  The dance floor/bar setup seems pretty fucking cool, dammit.

Jules does NOT work for Desiderate.  Nikki called her company and told her she worked for a company that Blaine was working for and put his name on the list last night for his “excellent commitment to the deal”.

This story is named after a song by The Freelance Whales.  In case you don't know (which, if you're a Darren fan you MORE THAN LIKELY ARE AWARE...lol) this is Darren's brother's band.  Here are the lyrics:

Lay down by your fire..,
come back home tonight,
Turn into the tide,
spill out your enzymes....
We learned how to swim,
Just enough to float,
Further than you think,
It’s closer than the way back home.

So gracious of you to take time,
But I can’t show you.
our legs can't glisten
while we sink now lets get home
So gracious of you to take time,
But I can’t show you.
our legs can't glisten
while we sink now lets get home

Stolen arent you high,
Lights under our eyes
Soon it will ignite,
spill out your enzymes.

So gracious of you to take time,
But I can’t show you.
our legs can't glisten
while we sink now lets get home
So gracious of you to take time,
But I can’t show you.
our legs can't glisten
while we sink now lets get home

To me, it's a song about coming back to someone and letting everything about you be free...you can't force someone to come to you but if they don't you can't show them anything...if you do you can ignite and set your passion (whatever that may be) afire. The beat to the song is so sensual to me...I imagine them making love to it later in their relationship...it’s not really a “fucking” song to me....so yeah.  There’s that.  You can find it on Youtube.

I don’t think there’s anything that I missed that I wanted to talk about.  If there’s something you wanted to know about the writing or the universe that I didn’t cover, feel free to ask.  You guys are so cool for sticking with me!  :D