Kurt was missing Blaine. And it had nothing to do with the content or implications of his dreams. Well maybe it had something to do with it, because the dreams kept feeding his mind with thoughts about the boy. But what Kurt really missed was the great conversations, Blaine’s upbeat personality, his ideas and energy. And, although he still had a lot of catching up to do studying-wise, he kept whishing Blaine spent some of his time during the break with him.

It was Friday afternoon, which meant he hasn’t seen the boy in several days, and haven’t even spoken to him since the quick text-exchange. The message in which Blaine promised to check up on Kurt ASAP. Well, Kurt grew a little anxious, to be honest. Not that he doubted Blaine would write, he just wanted to hear from the boy.

Since the break started a thought popped into his head quite a few times. It wasn’t particularly upsetting, but Kurt didn’t seem to be able to ease his own mind concerning this. Not so long ago he promised himself to concentrate on how to live life to the fullest. How to focus on himself. How to seek pleasure in things that make him happy. And not on things that are not genuinely Kurt, but are okay, and make others happy, or satisfied.

Well, since he met Blaine, he had to admit, he spent quite a lot of time thinking about the boy. And this paradoxical situation kept him on the edge.

Until he realized a few things. One, that Blaine was actually the first thing that happened to him once he decided on the changes. That little cup-quote was the first step in this i-m-definitely-gonna-be-a-happy-person road, and it worked. So how could knowing Blaine be a destructive thing? But this argument seemed kind of weak and fatalist. So, two, he knew that many of the things he and Blaine had in common or talked about were actually very near dear to Kurt’s heart in the first place. Like performance, designing, human rights. So Blaine didn’t really give him these things, he just worked as a sort of catalyst, or if you like, it worked the other way round, Blaine popped into his head only when he thought of these already amazing things, which made Kurt happy without Blaine as well. But when Kurt still felt a little shaky about Blaine giving too much happiness to him, however ridiculous it may sound, he thought of his strongest argument. Three, having new friends in your life who understand you, and appreciate you, and make you happy is the healthiest thing in the world. Why should Kurt feel bad about having Blaine as a (yes) huge part of his life.

So he wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he looked forward to the promised mail from Blaine. What he didn’t know was how genuinely, almost squeakily excited he would really get seeing Blaine’s name among his messages.

To: Kurt

From: Blaine

Dear Kurt,

How’s your Spring break? I hope everything’s great. Tell Kate I send her lotsa kisses and hugz.

We arrived yesterday late at night, the road trip with Coop was quite okay, for the most part. We only had one conflict, and that was before we stopped for dinner, so it doesn’t count. I hope you agree that it’s a general rule that people are not the most constructive and cooperative with an empty stomach… But we got over it pretty quickly. Once we both had something to eat. Never mind, boooring. Sorry.

And on this note, something that is definitely not boring… I still haven’t seen any of your designs for the play. Is there any chance you’d scan some of them for me, and send it? I know it’s a lot to ask, I’m just dying to see them.

But hey, it’s okay, if you don’t have the time, or the willingness. ; )

Anyways, the Pride itself is tomorrow afternoon. I’ll let you know about it.

Miss you.

Xx – Blaine

Well, first of all, Kurt just remembered these weren’t the first x’s he received from Blaine. But it still felt kind of nice. Second, he couldn’t wipe off the grin of his face. Waiting for a letter from someone you miss, and reading in said letter that they miss you too, well, that’s not bad.

Kurt quickly composed a reply.

To: Blaine

From: Kurt

Hey Blaine,

I’m glad you guys got there okay, and yes, of course I agree with you on the food issue. Truth universally acknowledged.

Our break is going okay, just the usual stuff, catching up with assignments, hanging out with Kath, taking long walks, drawing. You know.

Which brings me to… yeah, sure I can send you some. I already have them scanned, actually. David asked me to, just in case. So here are Rosalind, Celia and Touchstone.

And I’m not even gonna start with the whole it’s not finished, it’s just a quick draft, because , first of all, it’s not true, but more importantly, you’re the director, for God’s sake. : ) you know if you want them, or not. But I need you to tell me, if you want it completely differently, I need you to be candid. This is your job I’m potentially messing up, so please. Don’t tiptoe around my feelings in connection with this.

Okay, I’m gonna shut up now.

Enjoy tomorrow! And take care.

Miss you too.

~ Kurt

Kurt actually hesitated quite a bit before the end part. Probably because the dreams made him paranoid that Blaine might sense something. But heck, it was the truth, he missed Blaine. And he ended up not writing x’s, but maybe next time.

Also, he meant what he wrote about the designs, he wanted frank feedback, but right now he felt more vulnerable than usual. These were his babies. He put a lot of work to them, enjoyed the hell out of them, and hoped they fitted Blaine’s directorial visions, but he couldn’t be sure.

Blaine, as if he read Kurt’s mind from all that distance, wrote Kurt another mail just before Kurt went to sleep.

To: Kurt

From: Blaine

Dearest Kurt,

first of all, thanks so much for replying so quickly. And thanks for the scans, I realized how useful it is to have David around… =) He thinks of everything.

and Kurt, thank you for sharing these with me, I know it’s always nerve racking to share something you’re passionate about with a total stranger.

But Kurt, these are absolutely amazing! Breathtaking, really. The colors, the styles, everything. And they just step out of the paper. Amazing!

And you know what the best part is? I had this idea of how I’d try to solve this “problem” of the girls being girls, but dressed as boys and everything, but never really had any specific solution. And your version is incredibly witty, and fresh and spectacular!

Gosh, Kurt. I love being here with Coop, and I’m really excited about tomorrow, but I can’t tell you how much I wish I was there with you right now, working on these, and the whole play. Shoot. But the minute I get back… =) well, actually, the first thing I’m gonna do is hug you. But after that. =)

Sleep tight.

Xx – Blaine

Kurt felt giddy reading the letter. Oddly enough his chest simultaneously produced symptoms like it was constructing and being filled with an air balloon. It took him a while to calm down enough to fall asleep.

He was pretty sure the Saturday Pride was going to be in the afternoon, so he didn’t expect Blaine to write before late at night. Thus, he was pleasantly surprised when he saw a new mail in his inbox from the boy, in the middle of the afternoon. He couldn’t have known reading the letter wouldn’t be so unambiguously pleasant.

To: Kurt

From: Blaine

Dearestest Kurt,

We just got back from the march with Coop, everything was great. Really. All sorts of people from all over the world, like a true rainbow, I thought it was amazingly organized and everything.

We kind of did what we always do with Coop. We stick together, but stay open to everybody around us. We kind of agreed early on, years ago, at our first Pride that the main point is getting to know many stories, you know? Because, yes, we are fighting for a community, and acceptance, and in that we are pretty homogenous, but we all have our own stories.

So it was awesome to talk to so many people. Coop found a little boy who was with his two daddies, gosh, Kurt, he was the most precious little thing. He was barely walking, but we could tell already how perfectly loved he was. And Coop talked to the dads, and they told him nightmares about the adoption… But, you know, they still were so upbeat, and grateful. They were amazing.

And then we met an old straight couple, they actually came up to us with Coop, and told us they had a bet going on, whether we were partners or brothers. =) We had a laugh with them, and asked them about why they were there. And they looked at us like this was the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard. They said it’s only natural to support each other, whatever one’s orientation is. They were so witty, and lively.

Then I accidentally bumped into a young girl, she was alone, I guess, and she seemed very shy, she wasn’t wearing any colors. And she seemed kind of lost, but still there was this determination on her face, like she knew she needed to be there, for some reason. And, Kurt, she was wearing short sleeves, and her wrists were covered with barely healed cuts… And I don’t know why, but I got so upset. At her. I felt like anybody who doesn’t recognize how much of a gift life is, and tries to hurt herself is just, I don’t know. Unobservant, or something. How can you get to a point, where you just give up, and don’t look around to see all the beauty in the world, and you just crawl up in your room, and pity yourself, and don’t toughen up. I think it’s an easy escape, you know, one where you just decide on staying weak, instead of fighting. God, I think that was the most profound thing this afternoon that hit me…

Coop and I met a cross-dressing girl, towards the end, and I got so excited, I must have made an idiot of myself, but I had to ask her all about it, and told her about the play, and everything, and she was so sweet and helpful. I can’t wait to tell you every insight she had. =)

Okay, I think that’s it for now, hope everything’s great back home, I’ll see you in a couple of days. Can’t wait.

Xx – Blaine

When Kurt started reading the letter, he was still grinning. Blaine’s enthusiasm was so apparent in every word, he couldn’t help but feel the excitement Blaine must have had on the march. But the minute he got to the part where Blaine described the suicidal girl, Kurt’s expression changed. He couldn’t believe what he was reading, and his pulse rose at a dangerous pace, so much so that the last few lines of the letter he totally blocked out.

Was Blaine serious? Did he really think that about self-harm, and suicide-attempts? Was he really seeing this topic, of all things, in black and white?

God, Kurt knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to reply right away, with his un-normal heartbeat, and rage, but he needed to get this off his chest.

To: Blaine

From: Kurt

Blaine,

I need to write this, and I’m not even going to apologize for it. I hesitated for a few minutes, whether I should wait till you get back, and talk to you about this in person, or write you right away, and since I decided on the latter, I’m sure I will get carried away…

I couldn’t believe what you wrote about the girl you bumped into. Blaine. You are such a clever guy, and a person who learns and preaches the importance of acceptance every day. How can you have such a narrow mind about something so complex as self-harm?

I’m sure you know full well what it is like to have this doubt every day that you’re not good enough, that somehow you will never fit in. Can’t you see how someone without a strong support system can actually give into those thoughts and feel that’s the ultimate truth? Can’t you see how we as a society are still at a phase where most LGBT kids can’t turn to their parents or family for help? Can’t you see how desperate somebody could feel when they have something in them they can’t change, and makes them second rate citizen in everyone’s eyes?

Self-pity? Blaine, seriously? You think that’s all it is? Can’t you see how everyone needs support to be strong, and if you don’t have that, it doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re vulnerable? Can’t you see how you, a gay man, add to that vulnerability, when you think that girl didn’t deserve everything in life, because she wasn’t strong enough?

Blaine, I don’t think you were right about that girl. And I won’t force you to change your opinion, you’re free to think whatever you want. But I will tell you this. I strongly disagree with you. And I do believe, these things are not black and white, and the best you could’ve done was to talk to that girl, and ask her how she was, how she felt being part of the Parade. And ask her, if she wanted to join you and Coop, just like you asked us that time we met at the march.

Blaine, I respect your strength so much, I do, but you have to see how privileged you are to have a support system that hardly ever lets you down. You are lucky, and I do think you deserve that. But so does that girl.

I was wrong at the beginning of the letter, because I will apologize now. For my tone. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just want you to see that your opinion that you present so strongly is not the only one.

Thank you for the letter, btw, honestly. I’m glad you and Coop had fun.

Kurt

ps. Blaine, I owe you one more thing. It is part of the whole truth... I am personally affected. By the whole issue. I always struggled with accepting myself fully, especially the way I looked. It was always sort of a torture to look in the mirror and realize all the things I hated about my body. But I never hurt myself. However, I knew people in high-school who did. And Blaine, I had a very similar reaction to yours. And I had to learn in the hard way, it was narrow-minded of me, and very destructive. So when I got to college, and somebody who was very close to my heart, hurt herself, in a morbid way, I had a second chance, to redeem myself. I guess the reason I got so upset about your words is that I still can’t forgive myself for high-school…

pps. I do understand if you think I crossed the line with my tone, and never want to hear from me again.

After composing the letter Kurt felt like crying. Now that he got his anger out, he was struggling with his feelings towards Blaine. He knew the boy was a very good man, but how could he say such things? Kurt could only hope for one thing. That Blaine said those out of inexperience and lack of information, not out of conviction.

Kurt felt miserable. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He went for a walk, it proved to be helpful before. But this time, he knew his mind would be at ease only if he heard back from Blaine again. But what were the chances for that? For all Kurt knew he could’ve ruined everything between them with his hasty letter.

No, Kurt thought, one thing he was sure of. He needed to write that, he needed to send that to Blaine. He wouldn’t change his opinion for the boy, nor would he tone it down to be somewhat altered, when it was so forcefully working in his veins.

But he was, nevertheless, anxious to see whether he would get a response at all, or not.

The first rush of relief came when Blaine did write a reply. But Kurt knew, he couldn’t be sure of its content. So he eagerly opened the message, and started devouring the letters.

To: Kurt

From: Blaine

To my dearest Kurt,

First thing’s first. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for not waiting with your response, thank you for being brutally honest with me, thank you for being committed to talk some sense into me, and thank you for trusting me so much, and opening up about yourself.

I spent the last few hours walking up and down in my room, sitting down occasionally, crying hysterically, and wishing you were here to hold me, and tell me it’s going to be fine. Not that I’d deserve it, but I hoped for it anyway.

And I guess, in the most important sense, you were here with me.

I read your letter many times, each time feeling worse and worse about what happened this afternoon. I was reckless to judge and hurtful to write those things about the girl.

I think you’re right. I’m taking my life for granted in so many senses, and I don’t realize how lucky I am to be free of struggles others face daily. And you were right about one thing above all. I preach acceptance, and can’t even see how I personally failed to apply it.

I know you’ve taught me many things already, but I think today’s letter affected me the deepest. The way you are the definition of compassion, Kurt, I can’t help but feel obliged to look at you every day, and think every time, gosh, I wish I was better. I wish I was better because of you, and for you.

Kurt, I’m so sorry. I feel terrible. I feel miserable about what I wrote, and about what I thought of the girl. You are absolutely right. I was acting like a close-minded person, which I prided myself not to be, and I’m eternally grateful that you’re here, and no matter what, you point out to me when I fail to be the best I can.

I think we’ll talk about this more when I’m back, I’d love to, I mean. I just wanted you to know that your letter did find me, found its way to my core, and I’m truly grateful for that.

About you pps… Kurt. I want you to be honest with me, always. No matter the tone. I’ll be honest, too, and tell you when it’s too much. But, please, whenever you feel like I’m being a major failure, don’t hesitate to call me out on that.

And finally, about your ps. Kurt, I hope you don’t mind, I think it’s my turn, to tell you a story of mine. I had a philosophy teacher a couple of years ago. We talked about the Bible as a literary text, analyzed it from dramaturgical and character-driven points of view. And he taught me something very interesting. He said, and quoted some big philosopher on this one, of course, whom I can’t recall =) that the devil always tempts you with something you already have, but don’t believe you possess it. He presents something you think you lack, and turns it into a temptation, as if you still needed it.

Kurt, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. And right now I’m not talking about you personality. You’re drop dead gorgeous. Please, never believe that you have to change anything to look amazing. You already do.

I’m gonna go now, should get a good night’s rest. Can’t wait to see you Monday.

And, Kurt. Thank you.

Xx – Blaine

When Kurt finished reading he was blushing furiously. He couldn’t contain his emotion, and tears started rolling down his cheeks. Out of gratitude, out of relief, out of happiness.

No, it wasn’t his aim to necessarily “convert” Blaine, but the fact that he, Kurt, stayed true to himself, and put his opinion out there, and the reaction he got was so positive and heartfelt, well, that just felt amazing! He couldn’t wait for Blaine to be back, and fulfill his promise of that hug.

Kurt knew they wouldn’t change mails till Blaine got back, this had too much of finality in it, and he didn’t mind. But he did want to ease Blaine’s mind, he wanted to show the boy that everything was fine, and that Kurt’s anger evaporated, and was replaced by everything pleasant.

So he composed a quick text.

From Kurt:

(11:37)

You are not a failure. Anything but! You are perfect. G’night. k

Then Kurt started to get ready for bed, the day drained him, he was exhausted, and he had only one day left of the break, so now, with his mind at peace, he hoped to have a nice sleep. In the middle of his preparation his phone buzzed on his nightstand. He smiled, he knew exactly who it was.

From Blaine:

(11:43)

So are you!

He grinned widely for a moment, and turned off his phone for the night.

The next morning Kurt woke up with the biggest smile on his face. It wasn’t for any particular reason, he just felt well-rested, and ready to make the best of his day. His last day of the break.

And so he did. He finished the assignments he needed to, he worked some more on the designs for As You Like It, and it was only 2 pm, when he finished with “work-stuff” for the day, and could start enjoying the few hours left with Kate.

They found a few pictures on their phones from the previous weekend, when the McKinley guys visited, and had loads of fun going through them, remembering the best and most embarrassing moments. They were definitely not the ones taking the pictures, because they found themselves on most of them.

Kurt, among the pics, found one with only Kate and Blaine on it, smiling, and having a good time, seemingly sharing a special moment. He loved the picture.

“Kath, look at this.”

“Aaaw, aren’t we cute together?” she joked.

“Right?” Kurt was smiling widely. “Kathy, would you mind terribly if I posted this on facebook?”

“No, of course not, go ahead.”

So that’s what Kurt did. He went online, posted the pic, tagged Blaine and Kathy in it, and added a capture: “The bestests! : )”

A few minutes passed, when Kurt got a notification. Blaine Anderson commented on your photo.

“miss u!”

Kurt smiled widely, and showed the comment to Kathy. He knew the two words included the girl as well, so he wanted to share.

And he wrote another comment, below Blaine’s.

“hurry home!”

Kurt was pretty sure Blaine and Cooper were already on their way, and he felt himself getting more and more excited about seeing the boy again. But he didn’t want to spend the afternoon and the evening anticipating the meeting, so he suggested to Kate to go see a movie, which turned into a good 5-hour program with dinner and ice-cream after it.

They were sitting at a diner, spooning their shared ice-cream, when Kurt’s phone started ringing.

He fished out the phone. The ID read Rachel Berry.

“Hey, sis, what’s up?”

“Don’t hey sis me, Kurt. Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, her voice threateningly serious.

“Um, tell you what, exactly?”

“Kurt, don’t play dumb with me.”

“I’m not, I promise. Rach, it might be beneficial for both of us, and for the sake of this conversation if you told me.”

“You didn’t tell me Blaine and you were together, even though I had a hunch, you were so intimate at the party, and the whole walking home from the cinema, but I thought, no, no, Kurt would surely tell me about a boyfriend, but no, apparently I’m not worthy of that intel.” Rachel was rambling angrily.

“Rach, honey, would you calm down? I promise you, I don’t have a boyfriend. And not gonna, in the near future. Blaine and I are not together. Is this about the Facebook pic?” Kurt realized she might’ve misinterpreted their exchange.

“Yes, it is. ‘Miss you’? And ‘hurry home’? Kurt, I think that’s pretty straightforward…”

“Okay, well, I guess I have two options. One, to tell you that if it’s so straightforward, I don’t have to explain it to you, believe what you want. Two, I can tell you what’s behind those words, and clear it up. I guess I’m going with the second one, because I’m not the only one involved. And I actually see you calling Blaine to congratulate him… So no, we are not together. The pic was taken when you guys were here.”

“I know, I took it.” Rachel interjected.

“Okay then. So I found it, and loved it. Wanted to post it. What Blaine wrote was directed to BOTH me and Kath, and yes, technically he lives around campus, too, so yes, he’s coming home from a trip. Not to me, but to his own place.”

“Oh.” was all Rachel could say.

“Oh, for sure.” Kurt said, smiling a little. “Don’t get so worked up over this, Rach. I will tell you, when I have a boyfriend. But as I said, it’s not gonna happen anytime soon.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I guess I just got worked up over your capture. bestests… I thought about when I used to be your bestie, you know?”

“Rach, honey. I never replaced you. We just live very different lives now, and there are new people in my life as well. But it doesn’t mean I love you any less. And if you want to know the truth, for a while now I’ve been thinking about you more as family than anything else.”

“You have?”

“Yes, Rachel, I have. And now I’m gonna hang up, if you don’t mind.”

“Okay, I love you.”

“Love you too. And Rach? You don’t need excuses to call me.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye.”

“Well, that was interesting.” Kath said. But Kurt didn’t feel it necessary to comment on that. He knew Kath put two and two together, so he just wanted to get back where they left off before Rachel.

Later that night, though, Kurt’s mind wandered back to what Rachel said. And Kurt knew, in a sense, the girl was right. Rachel sensed something that Kurt wasn’t going to deny. Having Blaine in his life did feel like home to Kurt. The boy trusted him, respected him, and Kurt felt the same towards him, plus, they were comfortable enough to fight about differences, and open enough to share passions. And Kurt was very happy to realize how nice that felt.

He was only hoping a future boyfriend would be able to make him feel like that as well.