After Blaine left him standing there, Kurt couldn’t do much with his own confusion. He thought of going straight back home, but decided against it, and rather started wandering aimlessly, thus getting home took him a good hour. He couldn’t get a hold of what just happened, and the more he thought about it, the more perplexing it seemed. After a point he even got unsure of whether it really happened, whether Blaine really was acting weird, or Kurt just made it up somehow, seeing too much into the whole situation.

He got home around seven, and when he checked his mails, one thing was immediately cleared up. He wasn’t imagining that there was something behind the boy’s sudden departure, because there was a new message from Blaine. The time revealed that he must have hurried home and composed it in mere minutes, because it was sent at 6:22.

To: Kurt

From: Blaine

Kurt, I’m so so sorry I left u there like this, it wasn’t my most elegant move, I know. Please, don’t think you did anything wrong. I owe you an explanation, I know that. I feel like I have to be completely honest. But I can’t do it via mail. So please, please, if you don’t hate me yet, spend tomorrow evening with me. Like a movie night, or something. I wish we could talk sooner, but I have a few things tomorrow I need to attend to. Is that okay? I’ll come pick you up around 6.

Kurt, I’m sorry. Please, tell me you’re free and will come over.

Xx – B

Reading the letter wasn’t much of a help for Kurt. Okay, so Blaine really was sort of upset for some reason. But why? Well, he did write it wasn’t because of Kurt. But what was he supposed to think? The whole afternoon went so well. The texts, their enthusiasm, the lightness of the thing. On the other hand, it did turn into something extremely heavy towards the end. Kurt hoped Blaine wasn’t freaked out about the “touch-project”. But no, he couldn’t have been, they moved on. Then maybe it was the piano thing. It must have been too much for Blaine. To open up like that. Or Kurt wasn’t responsive enough? He though his emotions were overflowing, screaming when he witnessed Blaine’s playing, he thought he was too obvious, even. Was it possible that Blaine felt that he opened up for the wrong person?

Gosh, this thought disturbed Kurt to no end. Blaine was so so important for him, and he felt he’d do anything in this world for the boy. Was it possible that Blaine didn’t want this affection? That Blaine didn’t think Kurt deserving enough for their friendship? This idea was so painful, Kurt felt his heart break a little. And yes, he heard the voice of reason, Blaine reassuring him that he wasn’t the one to upset him. But the whole thing was so damn confusing.

Kurt didn’t sleep very well that night. He wrote a quick mail to Blaine, saying that sure, he’d come over, and 6 is okay for Blaine to pick him up, but this did nothing to calm his nerves. He went to bed, but was tossing and turning for hours and hour, unable to put his mind to rest.

The most torturous part about it was how the insecurities in him battled with the still fresh, incredibly amazing memories of their Friday afternoon. During their little game Kurt realized, over and over again, how much fun he had every time he was with Blaine, and how this fun was the right balance of deep and careless. But then Blaine’s mail? Kurt always thought their connection was exactly that… a connection. He always assumed Blaine to have the same amount of fun as he did, as ridiculous as that “measuring” may sound. Was he wrong? Was he going to lose Blaine because he was too blind to see the boy’s indifference?

Saturday morning was the worst Kurt had in a long time. In fact, since his self-induced “make-over” a month ago, since he met Blaine, this was the first day Kurt felt really really off. He couldn’t concentrate on anything, he was trying to rush time, but guess what? It didn’t really work. He felt totally unproductive and vulnerable and insecure, and nervous. And honestly, he hated it!

So when it was finally 5 pm, and he could start getting ready, it was like redemption.

And Blaine was punctual. 6 pm sharp came a text.

From Blaine:

(6:00)

‘m here.

Kurt took a few seconds to calm himself, to take deep breaths, then went downstairs.

The first thing he noticed was that Blaine looked amazing. He clearly went for the comfortable-casual tonight, but it worked. Simple dark blue jeans, and a deep red polo shirt, its buttons invitingly left open. You bastard, Kurt thought, but was immediately shaken back to reality, when he realized, he didn’t even know how to greet the boy.

Blaine solved the problem for him, the moment he spotted Kurt he started to walk towards him, and when he reached him, gave him a quick hug. It wasn’t their usual, calming, familiar hug, it was a quick formality, and that just worried Kurt further.

“Hi” Blaine said, putting a smile on his own face. It wasn’t forced, per se, but wasn’t his natural charm either. He seemed tense. He looked like he had a lot on his mind, but behind this exhaustion there was a hint of determination in his eyes. At least that’s what Kurt took it for.

“Hey” Kurt answered, and was pretty sad to realize, this was the first time, the very first time since they became so close that they felt un-ease at the other’s company. But Kurt didn’t want to write off the evening. He decided to opt for small-talk till they’d reach Blaine’s place. That might work.

“How was your day?” Well, that’s neutral enough, right?

“Um, it was okay, thanks. Yours?” Kurt thought for a second. Shall he confess his sleepless night and awful day? No, probably not. What good would that do?

“Yeah, fine, I guess.” Kurt said finally.

Blaine, without a word gestured to a direction, showing Kurt where they were going. Kurt’s never been to Blaine’s place before, but hoped it wasn’t far, he couldn’t really deal with the tension.

“It’s just a few minutes’ walk.” Blaine said, as if reading Kurt’s mind. Or was he thinking the same? Gosh, this can turn into a disaster… Kurt was fighting the urge to just break down, and shout out his frustration.

The walk really wasn’t long. They quickly reached a building that Kurt has seen several times but didn’t know was Blaine’s “home”. It wasn’t like the dorm Kurt and Kath lived in. It was for college students, but seemed kind of fancy, and as far as Kurt could tell, these were not rooms, but suits, rather.

“Here.” Blaine said, stopping in front of a door, and opened it for Kurt, after fidgeting a little with the key. “Welcome” He added in a shy voice, and Kurt knew immediately why.

The place was freaking enormous. For a dorm, that is. From the door Kurt could see the living room, very spatial, with an entertainment center in the middle. Nothing too absurd, just a comfy-looking (huge) couch, a couple of armchairs, a table in front of the couch and a flat screen on the opposite wall. From the living room opened a few doors. It was arranged in a way that from that very spot Kurt could see enough of each room to tell what they were. The furthest to the left must have been Blaine’s bedroom, a little back from that was the bathroom. On the right was something that had to be the kitchen, from the tiny details Kurt could make out, and there was one more door, this one closed, and safely hid behind a solid wooden door. The whole apartment was so very much Blaine, whatever that meant. Kurt just felt, the place was the right balance of comfortable and classy. He was impressed.

“Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, photo lab.” Blaine listed, confirming Kurt’s hunches, and adding that one little information. “Make yourself at home. I’ll be right back. You can pick a DVD, if you want, I’ll bring the snacks. Just a few minutes. What would you wanna drink?”

A scotch . Kurt thought.

“Just water, please.” Kurt said.

And with that Blaine disappeared in the kitchen. Suddenly, Kurt was very aware of why they were here. He still had no idea what went wrong the previous day, and even more worryingly, he had no idea how to get started. Blaine asked him to pick a movie. Were they really going to watch a film without addressing any of this?

But he couldn’t really do anything else, so he put down his messenger bag next to the entrance door, and stepped in front of the shelves surrounding the TV, to look for a good movie.

A few minutes passed, there was no sign of Blaine returning, and Kurt already narrowed it down to three films. Away We Go, It’s Complicated and The Holiday. But as he was looking through the shelves, his eyes set on something at the edge of a little table next to the shelves. It was a deck of photographs, in a pile, without a frame or anything. They weren’t neatly arranged, as if Blaine was going through them before but didn’t have time to put them away.

His curiosity got the best of him, and Kurt carefully took the deck in his hands.

In that moment Kurt felt his phone buzz in his pocket, he fished it out with one hand, checking the message.

From Kath:

(6:17)

You’re not here. I’m heading to bed. Dead tired. C u in the morning. Luv.

Kurt smiled at the endearing text, but was in the middle of something, so he put down his phone on the table, and returned to the pictures eagerly.

The first photo, on top, was a simple still life, showing a chair, and a book on it. Except, there was nothing simple about it. Kurt was immediately drawn into its world. The book was a copy of As You Like It, it was turned face down on the chair, and a pen was peeking from below. The chair was shot from a strange angle, and the picture was screaming rehearsal. With those three simple objects. Kurt was amazed.

The next one was of a landscape. With sunset. Clich� topic, but the picture was anything but. The soothing colors of the sunset were in sharp contrast with the harshness of the rocks and little chasms in the picture, and the whole thing looked like it was burning up. It looked like a drawn hell-image. Except this was reality. Enthralling.

Well, if those kept Kurt in awe, the third one took his breath away.

It was of him.

It took him a few seconds to remember that Sunday walk weeks ago, when he and Blaine stopped at the little playground to sit on the swings for a while. Only Blaine didn’t join Kurt, he took a photo. Now Kurt remembered every word Blaine said that day. He called him beautiful, innocent, yet irresistibly masculine. And even though those words were not enough to convince Kurt, this picture was absolutely exhilarating. Kurt suddenly felt he was seeing himself through the eyes of Blaine, the eyes that saw all those qualities in him, the eyes that focused on everything good in Kurt, the eyes that made Kurt look like the way he wanted to be seen…

Kurt couldn’t really explain, but he felt a very special thing. His balance that was completely off the whole day was restored. Looking at the picture he could see himself, his essence. But Blaine was also there. Behind the picture, in the picture. And this combination wasn’t disturbing at all. In fact, it gave Kurt a sense of completeness.

But he didn’t have much time to dwell on this idea, because Blaine returned from the kitchen, holding a tray with two glasses and crackers on it. For a moment, when he realized what Kurt was looking at, his face gave away his surprise, like he was caught doing something illicit, but the next moment a smile spread on his face. A shy, but genuine smile.

“Well, do you like it?” he asked.

“You said I’d see it one day.” Kurt said, smiling back. “Blaine, this is… this is perfect. I love it.”

“Well, that part wasn’t really my doing…” Blaine said, and at those words Kurt found himself blushing, once again. And confused. Very confused. He was on the verge of asking Blaine about the whole senses-game fiasco, when Blaine spoke again.

“Oh, I’m seeing a definite pattern in your film-choices… Obsessed much?” It was clear he was trying really hard to sound nonchalant. That never works out.

“Yeah, I mean John Krasinski is one of the best of his generation, you know?” Kurt said, cheekily.

“Suuuure, it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s drop dead gorgeous.”

“Not at all.” Kurt said, mock seriously.

“Okay, well, we can watch all three, if you want. Which do you want to start with?” Blaine asked, taking the three DVDs in his hand. When he looked up, he met the most intense pair of eyes.

“Blaine. Is this really why you invited me here?” Kurt couldn’t hold it in anymore. Fuck it, he was desperate, and was longing to hear something. Anything. Because right now he still couldn’t get rid of the thought that something was wrong…

Well, it was out in the open now, there was no going back. Please, please, say something, don’t joke it away, please, please. Kurt heard himself chanting in his head. I need to know we’re okay.

“No, you’re right. We need to talk. It’s just… it’s not easy.” Blaine started. Not the best sentence to start with… Kurt got even more antsy, if that’s possible.

“Okay… Then I’ll start. Blaine, I need to hear what’s wrong, because right now the only thing I can think of is that you hate me. And I know it’s unreasonable. Or I think I know that. I hope I’m overreacting, but please, give me something to work with, because I spent the last 24 hours worrying, and it’s just not so pleasant anymore.” There, at the very end was the sarcasm Kurt was so great at, but used so little with Blaine in the past weeks. He suddenly felt so exposed, he needed an alienating tool.

“God, Kurt, I don’t hate you.” Blaine said with secure and reassuring voice. Or at least he meant it like that. “I could never hate you.” He added, in a lower tone.

“Then what is it?” Kurt was getting impatient. He knew Blaine wasn’t trying to play with him, but goddamnit, would he just spit it out?

But Blaine was still struggling.

“Kurt, I wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have run off like that yesterday. It wasn’t fair to you. And I wanted to explain why I did it…” Blaine was struggling. Kurt could see that. And his voice was like Kurt had never heard it before. It was shaking a little, and showed vulnerability, and was weak. Not in a pathetic way, but in a way that made Kurt long to comfort Blaine.

Even though Blaine didn’t say much so far, Kurt relaxed almost completely. It wasn’t about him. They’d be okay, Blaine didn’t hate him, they could get through this. He needed to be there for Blaine. Blaine needed him to listen, that much was clear. So Kurt didn’t say a word. He just kept the eye-contact, and nodded at Blaine. Go on, he tried to convey, I’m here. You’re okay.

“It’s just… It was too much. I got so overwhelmed.” Blaine started again. With not much more force or certainty. “The whole afternoon, and your idea… I just couldn’t really handle it.”

What? Kurt still didn’t get any of this. And his calmness disappeared again in an instant, because now Blaine was saying it was Kurt’s fault?

“But, Blaine, you wrote it wasn’t about me that you got upset…” Kurt said, geez, and he felt his throat and tear-channels NOT cooperating with him on this one.

“Kurt, I didn’t write that.” Blaine said, and continued quickly, because he could see how wrongly Kurt took it. “I said you did nothing wrong. Which is true. You did everything right.”

“For God’s sake, Blaine, then what is it?” Kurt snapped. But forced to calm himself again, so Blaine could go on. “Sorry. Just tell me.” He said, voice steady and encouraging.

“Kurt…” Blaine started, searching for words for a third time. “I just need to find the right words, because this is important. So… The whole afternoon was so amazing. And emotional. And you were so open, and made me feel cherished, and it’s not even just about yesterday. You’ve done so much for me, ever since we met. I learnt so much from you. You’re always so caring, and compassionate, and creative, and everything else that doesn’t start with a C…” Blaine said this in a totally serious voice, but hoped Kurt would crack up a little. And he did. The barely-there chuckle Kurt let out seemed to break the tension. Kurt wasn’t nervous anymore, but he was listening. Intensely. “You taught me so much about myself, and life in general, I can’t even begin to explain how much that means to me. And then yesterday… You put so much effort into the whole game, from planning, through the texts, to the challenges. I just felt so okay. Gosh, more than okay. And you accepted everything I offered, and you opened up to me, and I guess I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude, and…”

Blaine seemed to find his voice more and more, even though he wasn’t his usual eloquent self. And he clearly would’ve wanted to go on. But Kurt, who felt himself on an emotional rollercoaster this whole day, and especially the last few minutes, going from worried to totally relaxed, to confused again, and amazed, he just couldn’t hold it in any longer. He cut in the moment Blaine expressed his gratitude.

“You’re grateful? Blaine, you’ve got to be kidding me! You’re the one who taught me so much. In the month I’ve known you I’ve realized so much that I never would have without you. I’ve learnt to look at myself in a different way, I’ve learnt to let my passions flow, I’ve learnt to embrace everything life has given me and others, I’ve learnt to see more good in the world. I’ve learnt how to verbalize my thoughts more…” Kurt was rambling, he knew that, he just felt he needed to show Blaine how indescribably important the boy became to him.

“Kurt…” Blaine started, smiling with disbelief, his voice still a little weak, but now it was easy to make out the tears trying to come out from behind the sounds.

“No, Blaine. Listen to me.” Kurt cut in again. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, do you understand that?” Kurt’s voice was a little didactic now, not to sound patronizing, but to get his message across. “You are an amazing man, and I’m the one who’s lucky to have you in my life. You’re brilliantly intelligent, and emotionally just so sensitive at the same time. And you’re this incredibly confident alpha male, but you only use it to stand up for what you believe in. And there’s never a dull moment with you, life is just one exciting journey, when I’m with you, but I never have to fear the next step, because you always make me feel so safe… Probably because you’re so secure in yourself, you always know what’s going on, but in the best way. You never fail to reflect on what you did or felt or thought, and you make it look so easy to communicate with anyone, when in fact it’s anything but. And I’m in constant awe of you, especially because everything you are, everything I know you to be is there in those gorgeous gorgeous eyes of yours…”

Kurt stopped abruptly. A second after uttering the last few words, he almost choked on his own sentence. It wasn’t that he admitted, for the first time how beautiful he thought Blaine’s eyes were. Oh, no. He didn’t care about that one bit. He got so carried away with his emotional confession, he didn’t mind that his attraction was revealed as well.

No, it wasn’t that.

It was the way the last words reached his ears, the realization, it almost knocked him off his feet.

“Oh my god!” He breathed, eyes widened, face in an almost painful expression. He slapped his hand over his mouth, but it was too late. The magical words flew out, and the power of the epiphany left Kurt breathless. Kurt stood there, unable to move. He shut his eyes tight for a moment, but when he opened them Blaine was still standing in front of him, looking at Kurt with a worried expression, not understanding what was going on. Kurt, his hand still over his mouth, could only shake his head furiously, and he started to back away from Blaine. He was acting like he was seeing a ghost. Or as if he saw Blaine for the very first time…

He backed to the door, hurriedly grabbed his messenger bag, and grabbed the handle. He was about to open the door when he heard Blaine’s totally confused, and no longer weak voice.

“Kurt, what happened?” Oh, how much the roles have changed in mere minutes. Blaine was the one with the puzzled expression on his face, pleading Kurt for some sort of explanation.

Kurt turned back, looking at Blaine one last time, now that his hand wasn’t covering parts of his face, it was clear he was on the verge of tears.

“The list…” he said, more to himself than to Blaine, and before he could break down, he was out of the door.