Kurt was sitting alone at a small table in one of the on campus cafes, Cocoa. He was waiting for his best friend and roommate, Kate. They rarely went out for coffee in the mornings, since they usually enjoyed their first cup back in their dorm room, but this morning Kate had to run errands, where Kurt really didn’t want to accompany her… Understandable. 7:30 am was missing from Kurt’s vocabulary since he became a college student. So now, at a more reasonable hour, at 9:53, he was anxiously awaiting Kate. They agreed to meet up here, just so they can see each other’s precious face before each had to run to class at 10:30.

According to the plan he still had a few minutes, to finish up what he was furiously working on. He wanted to share the final product with Kate, he needed to share it. Since his alarm clock went off at 8:45, his mind was at work. It was a beautiful Monday morning, the middle of March, bringing the hope of a new beginning. Much needed, Kurt might add. He couldn’t stop thinking about this one idea stuck in his brain. He used up several sheets of papers, scribbling and taking notes and drawing little diagrams and what not. He started it in his PJs back in the dorm room, interrupting the process only to hurriedly get ready, get to the calming white noise of the little caf�, and continue his work at the table he was currently sitting at.

He needed to narrow down everything, he needed a final product that reflected the order and system he longed for, so he tried and tried to narrow down the content of the several pages to one final slip of paper. He needed it to be concise yet legible, only key words written on it. It ended up being no bigger than a coaster one would use under a mug. This 4x5 inches big piece of paper contained the thoughts that bugged him all morning, and only a few final letters and it’ll be ready for Kate to see, to comment on, to judge.

Of course Kate would do no such thing, judging Kurt was the last thing she ever would have done. Still, Kurt needed her input, his precious Katherine would help calm his mind, and Kathy would appreciate his approach, and Katy would be there to help him. With everything and anything he would need. If only she was here already…

With determination Kurt crumpled the larger sheets of paper into little balls, leaving only the one, the final in front of him. He looked at it with relief, released a sigh, and leaned back in his chair.

That was the moment a pair of strong yet gentle arms snaked around his shoulders from behind, and an all so familiar smelling upper body enveloped him soothingly. He couldn’t help but smile at the tickling feeling the chestnut brown long hair caused falling partly into his face, and the owner of the arms and hair nuzzled his face before placing a soft kiss on his cheek. Yes, this is gonna be alright.

“Katey” Kurt said still smiling, as his best friend disentangled herself from around Kurt, went to the empty chair, and sat down with a thump.

“Sorry I’m late, baby, I had to make a detour, I’ve spent the last hours running between offices, but I’m here, and I could arrange everything, geez, I hate paperwork, but it’s all done, no more administrative stuff till next term, and wow, this is a good way to start the week. I already had things done and now I’m here with you, and it’s not even 10… am I a lucky gal or what?” Kate was a master of rambling, and Kurt loved it. Not always, but usually, and this was no exception. He didn’t stop Kate to tell her she wasn’t late at all, and he didn’t stop her to tell her not to get a coffee, ‘cause she’ll be fine for the day… He let her go on and on, smiling. Waiting. He knew they’d come to his discoveries in a minute. And like clockwork, Kate suddenly spotted the marks of Kurt’s feverish mind on the table. The crumpled paper balls and the one, smooth slip of paper with neat little lines on it.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Kurt, sweetie, you’ve obviously been working on something, why did you let me interrupt you?”

“Not that you left me any choice… but you didn’t interrupt me, I just finished up when you came in.”

“Okay, and what is it? Lyrics, homework, grocery list? Recipe? Are you gonna tell me, or shall I keep guessing till the morning’s over?”

“Kathy. I figured it out.” Kurt smiled. He really was proud he finally put the pieces together. “It’s none of the above… It’s a list.”

“Again?” Kate’s expression was a mix of concern and disbelief and curiosity. She knew full well what Kurt meant by a list. He sometimes came up with these concepts, that certain things can be reduced to a handful of elements, constituent, requirements, depending on the topic. His ideas varied from the five things you need for a good song, through the 7 places I definitely need to visit before I die to things like the 3 things I’d change if I could wish for anything. Since they’ve known each other, Kate has seen several of these famous lists, some of them dealing with boyfriends, crushes and generally, matters of the heart. Something told Kate, this new list was of that sort as well. It wasn’t rocket science, Kurt just got out of a relationship 3 weeks ago, it was perfectly normal that his mind was still searching for ways of coping. At least that’s what Kate suspected.

“Yes, again.” Kurt said, with just a hint of annoyance in his words at Kate’s skepticism. “But this is it. I’m telling you, I figured it out.”

“Is it about men?” Kate tried the waters cautiously.

“Of course it’s about men! Or more precisely, the lack of them.”

“Okay… Kurt, you already lost me.”

“Just look at the list, and I’ll explain it after.” Kurt prompted her. His excitement was visible, so Kate consciously tried to push her skepticism aside, and be there for her best friend. She knew emotionally Kurt was over Will, his last boyfriend. The break-up wasn’t traumatic, his heart wasn’t shattered, not this time. And they spent the past few weeks (not the whole weeks, just a few hours here and there) talking about relationships in general, trying to figure out things. Without much success. Apparently, however, Kurt came up with a brilliant solution. So Kate gave her full attention to Kurt’s opus, reached for the slip of paper, turned it so it was facing her, and looked at it.

confident

sensitive

knows what he believes in and sticks to that

self-reflective

intelligent

his eyes are doing things to you

good communicator

exciting

makes me feel safe

loves me

Kate read through the ten items, written in Kurt’s best handwriting as if screaming this idea of finality. But, to be honest, Kate wasn’t that much closer to understanding what Kurt realized that was so groundbreaking. These were character traits. But for what? Who was this about? Was this a way to get over Will? Was this Kurt’s vision of himself? None of these made sense, so Kate, after a few seconds of silence raised her beautiful head and asked Kurt.

“Care to elaborate?”

“Gladly!” said Kurt with infectious enthusiasm. “See, this is my ideal match. My future husband, if you like.” Kurt looked into Kate’s eyes for any sign of understanding, and when none came, he went on.

“These 10 traits describe the perfect man for me. Someone who I’d be willing to marry in a heartbeat, should he come along. But hey, here’s the fun part! He won’t. See, Kathy, that’s what I realized this morning. I have very high expectations, yes, and potentially nobody will meet them. But that’s okay. It is okay. I know what I want, and it might poison my love life forever, but I won’t settle for less. It’s just not worth the hassle. I’ve been in an out of relationships for the past idunnohowmany years. And it’s been fun. I don’t regret a thing about it. Honestly. It’s just… There comes a point where you say… you know… it’s enough. I don’t want mediocre anymore. I want the best, I want the ideal.”

Kate, of course, knew what Kurt’s been through these past few years. He had altogether 7 or 8 relationships, some not lasting more than a few weeks, some for the duration of 2 years. Some broke his heart, some left him empty, some stirred the pot a little, some were strictly physical. Kurt knew what he was talking about when he said he’s been around, and found nothing extra special.

On the other hand Kate knew the side of Kurt that was somewhat dependent on relationships. He enjoyed couply things, he was good at being in relationships. He always found something to enjoy in the other, and never regretted things in the long run. It seemed highly unrealistic to Kate that Kurt would survive or function without a relationship, or at least someone to dote on, for long… And she was never one to hide her opinions. Well, not in front of Kurt anyway.

“Kurt, baby. This is ridiculous. No, sorry, not ridiculous, that’s not the right word. This is just not doable. You love having someone around. That’s just something you find comfortable. I mean I know you’re never dependent on the person, but you love relationships, you get so much out of them. And that’s okay. Don’t you think you should set standards that are a little lower? Don’t you think what you’re saying here is unrealistic?”

�

To her greatest surprise a mild smile spread on Kurt’s face.

“Yes, Kathy, I know. And I agree. That’s what I would’ve said a few months ago. That I’m the type of person that gets a lot out of relationships. That’s the thing. I get a little too much out of them. Emotionally, I mean. It came to a point where I felt like the only stable source of emotions for me is men. And I don’t want that anymore.” Kurt seemed to be reassured by his own words. As if hearing them said out loud would convince him that yes, he was right to dwell on this list this morning. Because, yes, he needed change in his life.

“There are soooo many things in life I enjoy. Or used to, anyway. Things that I can do just for myself. Things that could help me find me again. Find the me that I’m content with, even if I’m not a partner to anyone. Do you see my point, Kath? And this list is a huge step in that process?”

“How?”

“Do you remember my previous lists about men?”

“Yes, of course. You overruled all of them, didn’t you? You always said those were stupid…”

“Yes. Yes, I did. But that’s only because those were part of a long process. And I’m not saying this is the end. Although I really hope so… This might turn out to be just as much of a humbug. But, you see, those previous lists were always influenced by somebody in mind. I wrote those of men I already knew. But now, this list is more about me than anything else.” Kurt stopped for a second. He focused on his own words, because he felt they were important. For him to articulate, and for Kate to hear.

“I don’t want to be defined by the person I’m with, but I truly believe that realizing what I want and what I need for my happiness tells a lot about me. So, in a way, saying that these are traits I can’t live without I’m really saying that I know who I am, I know what I want, I know who I want to spend my time with. So even if I never meet a guy who can live up to this, at least I’ll know that I have found my own stable self, and that’ll get me through everything.”

“Kurt, baby, don’t you think you’re ruling out something crucial about relationships? That they are about give and take, they are about compromises and meeting in the middle?”

“Yes, Kate, I know that. You know I know that. And, you see, that’s why my list is brilliant.” Kurt said smugly. “Because stating what I can’t live without I’m also saying that everything else is up for debate and compromise. I know you have to be more flexible, and I agree with you, in most things in life, you have to be willing to compromise. But not in these. I can’t let go of these, Kathy, I’ve done it too many times.”

Kurt looked at the list again, and for a few moments let his mind wander back to previous relationships of his. Yes, some of these traits were there in Tom, Lucas, or even Will. One or two was always present in his boyfriends. And, of course, they had many other things he adored, that were not on his newest list, but still, he knew this list was accurate. He could easily pinpoint what went wrong in each of his relationships, even in those where the guy had several of these traits. Some were still lacking, and they couldn’t get past that…

Okay, so 10 items on such a list may be too much. Kurt knew that. If anything stung this morning, was this knowledge, that he might face eternity alone. But he knew this was the right way. For the simple reason, that nothing else, and nobody less would make him truly, really happy.

“Okay.” Kate interrupted Kurt’s thoughts. “I see your point, and I’m here to support you. So why don’t you walk me through this list of yours, and I’ll tell you if it stinks. Is that okay?” She asked with a tentative smile.

“Yeah, I think I can do that. Just quickly, ‘cause we both have classes in 20 minutes.” He said with a joyful wink.

“Then hurry up, sweetie, I wanna get to the end of this.”

“Okay. So. Confident. I think that’s pretty straightforward. I want the guy to be okay with himself. I don’t want to spend time building his self-esteem. I mean he doesn’t have to be perfectly content, just generally accepting himself, you know?”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Plus I know you like guys who’re oozing this attitude of I’m not above anyone, but I’m comfortable in my skin.”

“Exactly. Sensitive. I mean that in the emotional and social sense. And political, I guess. You know, someone who’s perceptive of what’s going on around him, and cares. That’s crucial. That he sees, and cares.”

“Yeah. Okay, go on.” Kate didn’t want to dwell on his point. Knowing Kurt’s past with bullies and family dramas, she knew Kurt yearned for somebody who had compassion. For loved ones, and for a greater community.

“Okay. Knows what he believes in and sticks to that. I guess this relates to the previous one. I want someone who has an opinion of the world, and is willing to speak up for what he knows to be true.”

“Yep, that’s nice.” Kate, of course, in many sense was very similar to Kurt. That’s how they ended up being best friends after all…

“Self reflective. Well. Still around the same issue, but I guess this is more general. I want him to know where he stands, and to know what goes on in that head of his. And that heart of his, of course. You know, it can be pretty tough, being involved emotionally with someone who’s not aware of his own workings, let alone yours…”

“Yeah, we’re getting to the tougher things, I suppose. This is rare. But I know you need this. So I agree. Go on.”

“Intelligent. Well. I always thought this was important, but I don’t think I always stuck to this idea. I had a few guys who were pretty enough to make me forget about their not so sharp minds.”

“You can say that again…” Kate chuckled, remembering a guy, Phillip, who was around after Kurt and she met. Yep, he fits that description.

“Well, I got better. I think. At recognizing it, and especially at not being able to live without it. In fact, if I had to choose one from the list… but let’s not even go there. So yeah, intelligence. I need that. I need to respect him, I need to enjoy his company mentally… and in the long run, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess I won’t correct you here either.” Kate nodded understandingly.

“His eyes. Well. This is the only physical one, and it’s not really physical. I just remember having these guys around, who I thought I was crazy about. And looking into their eyes nothing would happen. You know? I want the butterflies, I want to get nervous, I wanna blush just because a pair of eyes looks into my soul and lets me look into theirs.”

“Oh, you poet. Move on, I can fight with the cheese.” Kate’s tone was mocking, but they both knew she was approving inside.

“Good communicator. Okay, again, something you’d think is easy to come by, and in reality, one of the crucial points. We are separate beings, with separate brains, with separate thought running around in those brains. There has to be good channeling. Otherwise it won’t work. And not just verbally. Physically as well. And I guess it points back to being sensitive. You kinda need to receive the signs as well.”

“Well, you’re lucky to have me then.” said Kate jokingly. “Nobody else can understand you fully.”

“Haha, very funny. Can I go on?”

“By all means.”

“Okay. Exciting. Fun to be around. With a sense of humor. I guess. Yeah. Providing the light part of life. Or at least being an accomplice.”

“Gosh, yeah, a sense of humor. You need that next to you, definitely.” Kate couldn’t stop the little teasing. And Kurt didn’t mind.

“See, we agree on everything. Okay. Makes �me feel safe. This I mean physically and emotionally. One thing is that he himself gives me no reason to feel insecure in the relationship. The other thing that I know he would stand up for me in a situation where it’s needed. Not that I’d ever feel the need to be protected. But it’s nice to know that someone I’d do anything for would do the same for me. You know, even if that everything is just making a quick comeback at a bully.”

“Okay, and the last one?” Again Kate smoothed over the topic. They didn’t avoid it, it just wasn’t for this morning. So they concentrated on the last item.

“Yes. The Pi�ce de r�sistance. Loves me. Well, yeah. Easy enough, right?”

“Right. It’s interesting, you’ve never mentioned it. I thought it was too obvious of a requirement.”

“Well, you’d be surprised… I myself didn’t realize it till quite recently how much I really need this. I mean I can spend months with somebody who I adore who doesn’t love me back. But it’s not worth settling for, obviously. There are so many things that get more intense with mutuality. And I need that. I need the fire in me to be fanned by the affections of the other. So yeah, I needed to realize that. But hey, better later than never, right?”

“Yeah, sure.” Kate said absentmindedly. She still concentrated on the paper, as if she was lost in thought.

“Kurt, baby, I just realized something. You didn’t write anything about physical stuff. Or chemistry. or that special something that sparks the whole thing.”

“Well, yeah. I dunno. The chemistry thing. I don’t really believe in mystifying that part. I know that when I’m emotionally and mentally attracted to someone, that usually means physical attraction will be there. And the extra spark. Yeah, I guess I could have written it there, but I felt like those terms are just codes for when everything cliques. You know? Beside, in a sense, some of these traits are very much related to physicality, and the spark. Confidence, and sensitivity? Intelligence? Geez, give me a guy who has these, I’ll guarantee you he’ll be hot as hell.”

“So…” Kate thought back on what has been just said in the past minutes. “You practically want him to be perfect.” Kate stated.

“No, not at all. I just want him to balance accepting that he’s not perfect and still aiming to reach it one day. He doesn’t have to be flawless. He just needs to be okay with that.”

“Okay, okay, I believe you.”

“Thank you.” Kurt paused for a moment. “Thank you for this, Kath, for not laughing, for going over this with me. I know it might turn out disastrous, I just feel like this is the right path… And I need you there with me. I hope you know that.”

“I do.” She smiled softly. “I do. I just want you to be happy, baby. You deserve all of this, you know.”

“Okay. So, dearest Katherine, now that you know the content of my list, I, Kurt Hummel, 22 year-old gay individual, hereby promise to you and to myself, especially myself, to try to live my life to the fullest, concentrating on myself and the things that make me happy, and finding pleasure in life independently of romantic relationships, and I promise to take care of my heart, and for that to happen I promise not to fall in love with anyone, unless they fit the bill. Quite literally. So, yeah. Here’s to new beginnings!”

And with that Kurt fished out his wallet, folded the piece of paper delicately, and hid it in one of the little pockets of the wallet. It was final. Kurt Hummel, on this beautiful Monday morning started the rest of his life.

“Okay. And now that we got that out of the way…” Kurt looked at his phone. “10:13. Kath, is it okay if I grab a coffee to go. We can leave in a minute.”

“Of course. I’ll be outside, okay, honey?”

“Yeah, go ahead. Do you want anything to drink?”

“No, thanks. Hurry.”

“Okay, okay, geez. Some of us didn’t have our coffee yet.”

And with that soft laughter Kurt moved towards the counter, to order his usual. The two people in line before him quickly placed their orders, payed and moved towards the other end of the counter. It was Kurt’s turn now. He quickly glanced at his phone again. 10:16. Okay, no worries.

“Morning. What can I get ya?” The voice was naturally smooth and manly, but the tone was almost rude. Impatient. Frustrated. At this, Kurt looked up, to see the owner of the voice.

The man behind the register was of average height, nicely dressed, although behind the counter-apron combination Kurt could only see the light blue stripes of a button down shirt. The barista had dark, thick curly hair, and the ridiculously perfectly sculptured lines of a Greek god’s face. However, the face that clearly showed signs of a healthy, happy person was distorted by this expression of discomfort. As if the owner decided to frown upon everything this particular morning. The face, the naturally beautiful face distorted by such frowning was almost offensice, and so out of context.

Kurt tried to fathom this paradox, but had no help from the dark haired man, who, getting impatient, looked up at Kurt, and repeated his question.

“What can I get you, Sir?” He emphasized the sir in a way that Kurt had no doubts anymore. The boy wanted to sting.

For a moment Kurt contemplated lecturing the guy. Telling him his usual comment to such treatment. Okay, let’s start over. I’ll introduce myself. I’m the customer. But he thought different. He was in a good mood a minute ago, and he would not let this man ruin his morning coffee. So he searched for his kindest smile (the one he had to force at the moment, but knew would look genuine in a second, cause Kurt loved to smile), and placed his order.

“Good morning. I would like a grande non-fat mocha, please. To go. And could you give me an empty cup, if it’s not too much of a trouble?”

The guy scribbled down the order, and looked up only at the end, the unusual part. Empty cup. Okay. Weird. Whatever. That was on his face. But he complied anyway. Probably because he couldn’t come up with a reason not to.

“There you go. That’ll be 4.50. Your coffee will take a minute. At the end of the counter.” He almost barked. “Your name?”

“Kurt.” he answered. Then waited for the guy to grab a sharpie and Kurt’s to-go cup.

“K or C?”

“Like Vonnegut.” Kurt answered. The guy froze for a moment, but probably decided against any kind of interaction for this morning. He scribbled down the name and set to work.

Kurt took out a 5 dollar bill and placed it on the counter.

“Keep the change.” He said with his biggest smile, even if the guy was no longer paying attention.

Kurt stepped towards the other end of the counter. And while waiting for his coffee, he fished out a sharpie of his own, and grabbed the empty cup he asked in addition. He decided to mark this new morning. This new beginning. He could have easily went for the game the guy chose and insult him, or call him out. But not this morning. He felt chirpy enough to collect all his positivity, and try something to ease the barista’s frustration and rudeness.

He racked his brain for the precise quotation, and wrote the following on the cup:

Clich� Monday – A smile is a curve that sets everything straight� : )

And with the finishing smiley he patiently waited for his order. And soon enough, the barista, rude and godly, still frowning, held out his cup.

“Your mocha.” That was all he said.

And Kurt acted very quickly, on impulse, without hesitation.

“There you go, this is for you.” He said in his soft voice, smiling at the man, expectantly. He didn’t expect much, though. Just a glance. Just the raising of that sculpture head.

He knew the barista didn’t have time to read the sentence, but he was sure he saw the smiley when he looked up. And Kurt’s plan worked. His little treat broke the monotony of the morning enough to give reasons for a pair of honey eyes to look up, and see the joy of a Monday morning. See, not just look. In Kurt’s mind that was the only way not to waste such expressive eyes.

“Have a nice one…” Kurt started, looking momentarily into the honey eyes, then diverting his gaze to the barista’s name tag, and continued. “…Blaine.” With one final flash of a smile he turned around, and left the boy behind the counter. And Blaine couldn’t help but stare after the young man for a few seconds, simply because he didn’t understand. He looked back down to the cup, and read the sentence.

He didn’t smile. The quote wasn’t about him, though. It was about Kurt’s smile. The curve that, if not making everything straight, at least eased some of the deep creases on the otherwise perfect face.