Healing Hearts
Starsleeper
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Healing Hearts: When you let her go


E - Words: 4,173 - Last Updated: Aug 12, 2013
Story: Closed - Chapters: 35/? - Created: Sep 12, 2011 - Updated: Aug 12, 2013
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Author's Notes: Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, messages, alerts. They were so lovely! And welcome to the new Heartsies!Writing this chapter was a lot of work, almost like planning and carrying out an actual funeral. But in the end, I'm satisfied with how it turned out. Hope you feel the same!I don't have much to say before I let you read it, except for this:1) I used three gorgeous songs in this chapter (well, I think they're gorgeous). I uploaded them to the fic's tumblr (healing-hearts-fic(dot)tumblr(dot)com). Now even if you don't care about songs in fics and generally skip over them (as I tend to do myself *shifty eyes*), I'd still recommend to you to listen to them as you read through this chapter. I listened to them as I wrote the different parts of the scene, and it actually felt as if I was there, in that chapel.2) Thanks to Jess, for betaing this super fast!I'm all outta words now.Enjoy!Starsleeper
The days after Liz's death were harder than Kurt could ever have imagined.

In some odd ways, it was even worse than when Sam had died. Because back then, it had all been about his own suffering. He'd been allowed to curl up and wallow in his own pain and misery, while everybody else had gone out of their way to surround him with love and care.

Now it was the other way around. This time it was he who had to watch his loved ones suffer... which was honestly a thousand times worse than having to go through it himself.

Now more than ever, Kurt understood the agony his family and friends had gone through these past couple of years, when he'd been nothing but a hollow shell of a human being… Something he still would've been if it hadn't been for Blaine.

His dear, sweet Blaine, and his beautiful, wonderful Lily. Both of them were his biggest strength and his greatest weakness. No way he would let them suffer the same way he had. He just couldn't allow that to happen.

These thoughts went through his head as Carole handed him a steaming cup of coffee and sat down next to him. "I'm glad you came over, sweetheart." Her smile couldn't hide the concern in her eyes. "You look so tired…" And with a loving gesture that was so typical of her, she reached out and brushed the hair out of Kurt's face, her hand lingering behind to cup his cheek.

Leaning into the gentle touch, Kurt sighed deeply as he closed his eyes. "I am exhausted. Blaine's off to scout preschools with Lily and I just needed to get out of the apartment for a little while."

"I'm so sorry… I wish you didn't have to go through this." Carole lowered her hand to gently grasp Kurt's shoulder.

He shook his head. "Don't worry about me, Carole. Blaine and Lily are the ones suffering here." He raised his eyes and found that his stepmom was watching him pensively.

"I worry about all my children, honey." She said after a moment. "You are my son, which makes Blaine my son-in-law. I don't care if it's official or not… my heart knows the truth." Her eyes were tearing up. "And no son of mine can fool me, sweetie. You are hurting worse than you dare to admit."

Kurt dropped his gaze, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

Carole continued. "I understand that you want to be strong for Blaine and Lily… but you don't have to keep it up with me. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, always…"

"I know Carole…" Kurt breathed, smiling in appreciation. "Thank you. I honestly don't know what I would do without you and dad." He lifted Carole's hand from his shoulder and pressed a kiss to it, before pressing it to his heart. "But to answer your question… yeah, I'm going through hell right now. And I just don't know what to do. I don't know…" His voice shook slightly. "I mean, how do I comfort a man who has lost his ex-wife? It's such a weird situation. She's been so important to him for such a long time, and okay, things had gotten bad enough between them to break them up, but they still shared a strong connection, even after their divorce…"

He sniffed loudly as his head fell against the backrest of the couch. "And then Lily… that poor little girl. Her entire world has been ripped to shreds, and she doesn't even realize it. We keep telling her what happened, but she just doesn't understand what it all means. And then there are moments when she does seem to get it, on some subconscious level, like last night… she woke up crying and screaming for her mommy, begging for her to come back." Kurt bowed his head, his body shaking with silent sobs as tears started to run down his face.

"Oh honey." Carole whispered, as she took Kurt's cup from his hands and pulled him into her arms.

"We didn't even know what to say to her!" He sobbed. "We wanted to tell her that her mommy would be coming back, and everything was going to be all right, but we couldn't! We couldn't…"

Carole petted Kurt's back as he continued crying. "So what did you do then?" She asked.

Leaning back, Kurt wiped his eyes furiously. "Nothing… we just held her… and told her that we loved her. She fell asleep in Blaine's arms after a while."

Shaking her head, Carole gave Kurt a tissue. "That's not nothing, Kurt. In fact, to Lily, that probably means everything. Being there for her and making her feel loved is so important right now. It might not seem like a lot, but love and support are the only way to get through something like this. Same goes for Blaine… be there for him. Allow him to mourn. It's all he needs."

Kurt nodded meekly. "Thanks, Carole. For everything." He gave her a watery smile. "I meant what I said before, you know… Introducing you to my dad was probably the best thing I ever did. Even if I did it for all the wrong reasons at the time, I got a cool brother and an amazing mother out of it." He grinned awkwardly.

Tears sprang into Carole's eyes. "I'm glad you feel that way, honey." She said with a beaming smile. "We might be a very odd family, but we all love and support each other, and that's what makes us a true family. I'm a very lucky woman, I've got all these wonderful men in my life. Oh, and Rachel of course." She added with a chuckle.

"Yeah, let's not forget the mother of your future grandchild." Kurt smiled back.

"So I heard the Campbells were nice?" Carole inquired, after refilling Kurt's cup.

"Oh yes." Kurt answered immediately. "They were so kind to me, and they actually treat Blaine like he's still a part of the family. I think you'd really like them, they are very open-minded and down-to-earth. Oh and get this, Blaine told me that Jack Campbell is a big supporter, sponsor AND friend of president Obama…"

Carole whistled. "Wow, I'm impressed. They sound like lovely people."

"They are." Kurt mused, his thoughts drifting back to Anne, who had essentially appointed him as Lily's new stepfather. He was still trying to wrap his mind around that one.

"Any news from Blaine's parents?"

Kurt snorted in contempt. "His dad sent him a text to offer his condolences, but he must've managed to throw in an insult on my behalf as well, because Blaine refused to let me read it before he punched the delete-button."

"Oh my God, that man is impossible!"Carole huffed.

"Yeah…" Kurt shrugged. "But at least his mother kept her promise. She's been over several times to help out with Lily, and she's really been there for Blaine too, for a change."

"I'm happy about that." Carole said softly. "Blaine is such a sweet boy. I'm glad you two found each other."

Kurt scrunched his eyes shut and smiled brightly, for the first time in days. "Me too, Carole, me too…"


"Santana's here." Kurt said, straightening his tie as he entered the bedroom. "Are you sure you don't want to take Lily to the funeral?"

Blaine, who was sitting on the bed, dressed in his black suit, simply shook his head as he kept staring at the floor. "I don't want her last memory of her mother to be that of a casket."

"I understand, honey." Kurt extended his hand. "Are you ready for this?"

Blaine swallowed deeply as his gaze moved toward Kurt. "No…" But still he laid his hand into Kurt's, allowing himself to be pulled up and landing against his boyfriend's chest.

"I'm here, baby." Kurt whispered, pressing his forehead against Blaine's. "I'm going to help you through this, I swear…" He said with all the courage he could muster up.

"I don't want to do this… I don't want to say goodbye to her." Blaine breathed heavily. "I'm sorry, Kurt, I love you so fucking much… But she… I just…" He shook his head in desperation.

"Shhhhh… I know, honey, I know, okay?" Kurt soothed him. "You've allowed me to grieve for Sam… now I want you to grieve for her. Don't hold back on my account. Please, don't. I know how much she meant to you and I love you for it. And no matter what, I'll still be here for you after all of this. Please trust me… you're not alone."

Blaine heaved a loud breath and nodded sharply. "I know… Thank you… thank you." He repeated brokenly, digging his fingers into Kurt's biceps.

"Come on, sweetie, we need to leave." Kurt whispered against Blaine's cheek, before stepping back and taking Blaine's hand to lead him out of the bedroom.


As soon as they entered the funeral chapel, Blaine froze and broke out in goose bumps. Clutching Kurt's hand like a lifeline, he took in the scene in front of him. The entire room was adorned with bright pink and white flowers, Liz's favorite colors.

Oh God…lilies and daisies.

Feeling the gentle push of Kurt's hand on the small of his back, he realized he needed to move.

Liz's casket was lying on the floor, in front of the small altar, with the first few rows of chairs arranged to form a half circle around it. The warm glow of the candles on the altar caught Blaine's eye as he and Kurt took their place on the first row, in between Julian and Maggie. The silence in the room was heavy, only broken by an occasional whisper or sniffle.

Turning his head to look behind him, Blaine saw the chapel filling up with people. More of Liz's relatives, some of which had flown over from Ireland for the funeral. Burt and Carole. Finn and Rachel. Quinn and Puck. Mercedes. Brittany. Mike and Tina. Emily, Barry, Rose, Jenny, Jonathan, and several other coworkers from the hospital… Paul's parents…

His mom.

Blaine smiled in gratitude at his mother, as she gave him a small, almost invisible wave. His smile faltered as his eyes fell upon Paul's parents. It was a horrible tragedy for them as well, with their only child still in a deep coma, and the death of their daughter-in-law and their future grandchild.

Turning back in his chair, he saw Abby, Maggie and Charlie, who had taken position in front of the altar, facing the casket that held the body of their youngest sister.

When the entire chapel had turned quiet, Maggie took a small step towards the mic standard and started singing, her crystal clear voice cutting through the silence, as if to remind everyone that this was all terribly real and happening.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
Many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,

But now it's come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,

But let's not talk of love or chains or things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

Abby and Charlie joined in, their voices harmonizing beautifully with Maggie's.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
Many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,

but now it's come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

As the music died down, Maggie and Charlie returned to their seats, while Abby stayed behind the mic.

"Thank you for coming today." She began, as she glanced around the room. "I don't think anybody wants to be here right now. I know Lizzy wouldn't want to be here… she hated funerals. Like really hated them. She thought they were depressing, stuffy, boring, and always complained how they made a bad situation even worse. So… we're not going to do that today." Abby said with a tiny, sad smile. "Today, we're saying goodbye to Lizzy, but we're going to do it the way she would have liked it. Because it's quite literally the last thing we can do for her. Today we've invited you to come here with an open heart and an open mind, to celebrate who Lizzy was – and always will be – to all of us. A couple of us have prepared a little something, but we'd like to invite anyone else who feels like it to come up here, to talk, to sing, to pray… to laugh or cry… Whatever it is, you are welcome to share it with us, and with Lizzy." With a small nod, Abby turned away from the mic and walked back to her seat, to make room for her mother. Even though the devastated look in Karen's eyes pained him, Blaine still couldn't help but admire her courage and determination, as she started speaking.

"I remember the day Daisy died. Lizzy told me it was the most absurd thing ever. More than anything, she couldn't understand why it had happened. I don't think she ever came around to accepting it." Karen took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm so sad to say that now, I fully comprehend what she meant. Losing a child is absurd. It's ridiculous. It's against all logic. And it hurts so… so much. I brought my little girl into this world… I never thought I'd see the day when she had to leave it again. It's not fair, you know." Karen shook her head. "Lizzy was sweet, bright, bubbly, kind, and so full of love. A love she shared with everybody around her. She was our sun. She still is. Even now, when the sun has gone down on us, we know she's still there. She's not truly gone, but merely hiding behind the horizon, and no, we can't see her anymore, but we can still feel her warmth and love. We can still see the light she left behind. But we all know that the night is falling upon us now, and we know there will be moments – cold, lonely and silent – when it seems as if the darkness will never end. Whenever that happens, please don't lose hope. Take comfort in the moonlight, and in the sparkling light of the many stars that surround us. The night may not be as beautiful as the day, because the sun is not there, but it's worth it. It's always worth it. And at the end of that long, endless night, we will see the sun reappear. We will meet again. We will realize that she has been there with us all along, even if it was on the other side. Lizzy…" Karen's voice broke. "I love you… and I'll see you when morning breaks…"

Tears trickled down Blaine's cheeks as his former mother-in-law finished her heart wrenching speech. Glancing sideways at Kurt, he saw him using a crumpled handkerchief to wipe away a few tears of his own. He linked his hand into Kurt's, who promptly returned Blaine's gaze with a soft, almost inaudible sigh. Like so many times before, one look into those blue, loving eyes was enough to give Blaine the strength and resolve he needed.


One by one, people came forward to share memories, to express their feelings, or to simply say goodbye. When Julian had finished speaking, he threw a glance at Blaine. Blaine caught the unspoken question in his eyes, and with a final encouraging hand squeeze from Kurt, he answered Julian's gaze by giving him a slight nod and rising from his chair. Fighting his nerves, he walked to the front. He had to do this. He'd promised Julian he would.

As he reached the mic and lowered his eyes upon the casket, his breath caught in his throat. Suddenly the room had narrowed down to just the two of them, so close together, but at the same time literally worlds apart. It struck him that he wasn't doing this for Julian, or Liz's family, or Lily, or Kurt, not even for himself. He was standing there because of Liz, and he was doing it only for her.

With a steadying breath, he decided to simply turn down his thoughts and let the words come from his heart.

"There… um… there might be people here who think it's weird for me… Lizzy's ex… to stand up here and speak. I guess I should apologize to them, because frankly, they'll probably find what I'm going to say and do now even more awkward."

Blaine grimaced, and paused for a few seconds. "I've spent almost my entire adult life with Liz. We've been through so much together… highs and lows… we've shared things with each other that we have shared with no one else… We've loved each other… You know, on our wedding day, when the priest said "till death do you part"? He wasn't lying… No matter what happened, even if our hearts were separated in the end, our souls were still connected. She was my soul mate, my best friend, and for a long time, she was my love. I am so thankful for all that she has given me. She gave me love, she gave me children, she gave me joy, she gave me laughter, there were times she gave me misery and heartache… But she always gave me all of her, never holding anything back. And my deepest regret is that I failed to do the same for her." Blaine added in a hushed voice.

"When she told me it was over between us, she cried. She kept telling me how sorry she was and how much she regretted the things she did to me... And for a long time, I was so freaking angry at her. I felt betrayed and hurt, because she had taken away everything I had. Until, after a long time, the anger finally faded away, and I finally understood. She hadn't taken it away… I was the one who had lost it. My anger turned into gratitude towards her. Even though the heartbreak remained the same." Blaine breathed.

He took another deep breath and looked at Kurt. "You know, someone asked me the other day if I believed in the afterlife. My answer was yes. I believe that when people die, they don't really leave us. In fact, my guess would be that Lizzy is right here with us, at this very moment." He let his eyes wander around the room before focusing on the casket. "And I'm pretty sure she feels like crap, and that she's once again full of regrets and guilt about doing this to us." He shook his head with a small smile. "Well Lizzy… if you're here, and if you're listening… don't feel bad. You have given us so much. I want you to know that both our lives and this world will forever be brighter and better, because you were in it… I want you to know that we won't forget you. I want you to know that I won't let Lily forget you. I promise you I will take care of her, and that I will raise her into a strong, kind, compassionate young woman, just like her mom."

From the corner of his eye, Blaine could see Karen nod in agreement. "I don't have anything left to say." He continued. "But there's something I'd like to do, if you'll allow me." He threw a glance at Julian, who took the cue and brought him his guitar.

"Lizzy loved it when I sang to her." He smiled as he put the strap over his shoulder. "I always promised I'd write her a love song one day… but I never took the time to actually do it. It wasn't until she left me that I kept my promise, and wrote that damn song. How's that for irony, huh? But Lizzy never heard it… Nobody ever did." Blaine clutched the neck of his guitar tightly as he drew a deep breath. "I would very much like to sing it now, if I may… It's the last thing I need to do, before I can let her go…" He nodded to himself, and without further hesitation, he started plucking the strings, sending a beautiful, tender melody into the silent room.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Blaine was strumming his guitar in earnest now, his voice gaining power as he sang the following verses.

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and it goes so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch all it dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But to never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you've let her go

And you let her go

And you let her go

And you let her go

Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Blaine's voice trembled as he said the next words. "Liz… I hope you're with Daisy now. Please take care of her and give her a kiss from me, okay? Thank you for everything… I love you." He squeezed his eyes shut as tears streamed down his face. "I- I'm letting you go now. Goodbye."

As he made his way back to his chair, Karen reached out to touch his arm, halting him in his steps. "Thank you." She mouthed with a teary smile. Blaine took her hand into his and squeezed it tightly, before going back to his seat.

Sitting down, he immediately felt the soothing touch of Kurt's arms around him. "I love you, baby." He whispered into Blaine's ear. "It was beautiful… perfect…" Blaine nodded, silently weeping into Kurt's shoulder.

All he wanted right now was to go home, and be with Lily and Kurt. He needed to get away from this sorrow and misery. It was too heavy… he could feel it pressing down on his chest and he couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe.

"Breathe, honey. Please, just relax…" Kurt urged quietly.

Blaine released a gulp of air and calmed down, amazed at how Kurt had seemed to know exactly what was going on, before he knew so himself.

After Jack had said his goodbye to his daughter, Liz's sisters returned to the front of the altar, to sing one more song before the service would end, and Liz would be carried out of their lives forever.

This time it was Charlie who took the lead, while her sisters sang second and third voice.

Hope is your survival
A captive path I lead

No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a long long time

No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a thousand years

No matter where you go
I will find you
In the place with no frontiers

No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a thousand years

No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a long long time

No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a thousand years

No matter where you go
I will find you
In the place with no frontiers

In the place with no frontiers

Blaine walked up to the casket and crouched down to lay a pink rose on top of it. Staying down for a moment, he stared at it unconsciously, while running his fingers along the wood. Then finally, he got back up again, and after one last parting glance, he turned around and left the chapel, walking hand in hand with Kurt.

End Notes: AN: Up next in chapter 28: Life goes on.Reviews?

Comments

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I haven't cried that since the Hunger Games...

Oh wow :)Now I'm blushing!

This story is so well written. I love it all. I started reading it yesterday afternoon and just caught up this morning. This chapter was really good and I admit I got a bit tearful. Looking forward to more. :)

Thank you so much! :)

Thanks !!! <3<3<3<3

Completely and utterly heartbreaking while beautiful at the same time!

i freaking cried...lol