Blaine knows he'll regret this. He can already tell. He sits at the Lima Bean, hoping that he would just hurry the fuck up already. He doesn't want to be caught in the Lima Bean alone, because everyone knows that this table to him and Kurt is like the park to Tom and Summer. Except of course, they don't break up terribly. At least, he doesn't think so. Oh God, Kurt's going to catch him and he's going to wonder why he didn't invite him and they're going to yell and Kurt's probably going to pour Blaine's medium drip onto his crotch and he is going to die oh my god.

But he tells himself to relax.

Nothing but giving himself an aneurysm would happen if he doesn't relax.

His fingers tap restlessly on his coffee as he waits for the person he's invited to his table. His phone beeps and he jumps slightly. He dreads for the worst but no, he never thought he'd see this day when he sighs in relief to see another name. A name that is running late.

Stuck in some traffic, but I'll be there in 5. Can't wait for our date, Blaine ;) x Seb

Blaine rolls his eyes and types at an annoyed pace.

IT'S NOT A DATE IT IS A FRIENDLY MEETING

Sebastian should really know better. God, Blaine already felt bad about even planning it-that he was going to talk to Sebastian, that they were going to converse and that he was probably going to pay for Blaine's coffee and exchange cupcake recipes.

Sure, they had texted and called each other and maybe they raved about this one band on Facebook that led to a pretty lengthy (read: six hours) conversation, but Blaine didn't consider Sebastian a friend. Mostly because he almost fucking blinded him via rock salt, but Blaine's moved on from their childish ways. They're a five weeks older now. They've grown.

Blaine Anderson felt like a pathetic excuse for a human being. He was going on a meeting-date with his boyfriend's arch-nemesis. Voluntarily.

This wasn't a date, Blaine chanted in his mind, you are not cheating on Kurt. In fact, in this meeting you'll be able to resolve all the shit you're going through, Anderson. Blaine smiles calmly to himself. Including blue balls.

His phone rang twice and he takes a steady sip from his coffee as he reads the first one.

Goodness, you're so eager. And btdubs, I was just testing you. I'm right in up front. x Seb

Blaine rolls his eyes and scrolls over to the next message. He swallows thickly as he reads the sender.

‘Text from Kurt Hummel-Anderson xoxoxoxoxo <3'

A text from Kurt, his boyfriend. Right after Sebastian texted him. He purposely burns his tongue with his coffee and reads the message. This must be the Universe telling him he's a bad boyfriend.

Do you want to watch New Moon again or Moulin Rouge tonight?

Blaine rolls his eyes, typing down the obvious answer since he found out that yes, one can get sick of looking at Taylor Lautner's abs.

"Good afternoon, Blaine," a body slides up on the chair across Blaine just as he's typing ‘Rouge'.

"‘Bastian." Blaine nods as he hits Send.

Sebastian grins. "We have nicknames now? I feel terrible. I don't have one for you yet."

"That's not why I called this meeting to order. Now you seeSebastian-"

"How do you like Honey B?"

Blaine frowns as his grip tightens on his coffee "What? No, no. That's not the point of this-"

"Blainers? I'm sure you like Blainers." Sebastian grins as he takes a short sip of his coffee.

"No, no, no, you need to listen to me." Blaine huffs, hands tight on the table now "Sebastian-"

"Baby Bear? Since you're short and all-"

"Ineedyoutoteachmehowtobesexy." Blaine damn near cries when his words work, stilling Sebastian.

And just as it froze, he slowly melted into a smile.

"You and Kurt have problems in the bed, don't you?" he smirks.

"That is, if, you know, there was something to be...problemized in bed."

Sebastian chokes on his coffee before lets out a loud, boisterous laugh, leaving Blaine to look stunned and offended in his chair.

"You're n-not getting any ass," he says between laughs "Is Kurt that much of a prudish, delicate flower that once he offered you his virginity, he'd never let you get any after and now you're perpetually devoted to Blue Balls McBonerkill? This is all too perfect."

Blaine released an exasperated groan and picked up his coffee, standing up as Sebastian clutched at his sides and wiped away tears.

"Okay, hey, Baby Bear, sit down." Sebastian insisted as he let out a cough, still chuckling "Please, I insist." Blaine rose a tentative eyebrow "If sexy's the path you choose to take, I volunteer now as your aid."

Sebastian cleared his throat and announced "In due time, you will turn into one of the most powerful sex Jedi in all the land."

"Please stop." Blaine pats his shoulder and sat back down.

"Now what seems to be the problem, young Padawan, with your lover?" Sebastian puts a helpful look on his face and crosses his legs "In this truly troubling area of fornication?"

Blaine shifts uncomfortably "Well, he's always-you know, reluctant when I...uh-" He gives Sebastian a sheepish look.

"It's okay, Blanakin," Sebastian says in a reassuring voice "Say whatever you want to say.  Say how you feel about this situation. Sex Jedi Master understands where this is coming from." He points to Blaine's heart "You feel it here." His finger moves lower to point between his legs "And very much over there. So, please, tell me as a friend, how you feel about Kurt Hummel not wanting to tear up that ass."

Blaine gives him a bewildered look.

"Go." Sebastian whispers with a comforting smile.

"I don't think I'm doing it right." Blaine finally admits "You know, the entire sensual thing. It's like I can't...uh..."

Sebastian nods for him to continue.

"You know, arouse him." Blaine says with a blush bow coating his cheeks "I'm not someone who just jumps into it."

Sebastian closes his eyes and nods as he says "You see, child, foreplay is very much supposed to be a natural thing. You must know how to tease and titillate one another as if it's nothing but human nature. Once you've popped a boner on him, the rest is sexy, sexy sex."

A barista looks over at them with a baffled look on his face.

"That's the problem," Blaine groans, exasperated "I don't know how to tap into my ‘human nature'"

Sebastian takes a thoughtful sip of his coffee and hums.

Blaine presses his face in his hands futilely.

"Then this calls for something a tad critical, don't you think?"

Blaine looks back up, narrowing his eyes "What do you mean?"

"Many things," Sebastian's eyes raked across Blaine's form, thinking "A haircut, a piercing, women's clothing..."

"You're saying I have to change how I look?" Blaine cocks his head.

"Not exactly, but," Sebastian sighs "do something to really get him going."

Blaine nods uncertainly.

"What does Kurt like, for starters?" Sebastian asks.

Blaine blinks "Romance."

"No, no," Sebastian shakes his head "Does he have any kinks? Fetishes? Anything?"

"The porn stuff?" Blaine scrunches his nose "No, no. He hates those things. Bullwhips, especially."

"God," Sebastian huffs in frustration "are you guys into anything? How the fuck am I supposed to help if the both of you are like a fucking Disney cartoon?! Fucking big eyes and talking animal bullshit."

Blaine remains silent. "I actually like those."

Sebastian's muttering about how he hated "that shit" since his mother "named him after a motherfucking crab". He sighs, massaging his temples and shaking his head. His hands move onto the center of his face, as if in prayer.

Sebastian shakes his head, eyes falling to a close for a second "I hate Disney-"

"I'm sorry." Blaine can only murmur, before clearing his throat to add "Um, he does like, you know, werewolves."

Sebastian shot up, eyes wide "I can work with that."

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows as he watched Sebastian leave the coffee shop without warning.

Never had he been more scared in his life.