12:02 am
Kurt: Thanks Blainers
Kurt: I miss you too.
Kurt: I’m out with Puck, because he insisted that we go to a “real” bar for my birthday

12:04 am
Blaine: You and Puck? I thought Rachel was going out too?

12:05 am
Kurt: We’re gonna go meet up with Rachel and various other people in about a half hour
Kurt: Puck was unyielding about the fact that I had to be in a bar that carded at midnight.
Kurt: And here we are.
Kurt: he says “sup”

12:08 am
Blaine: I say “sup” back
Blaine: Anyway, I wanted to say happy birthday
Blaine: and have fun
Blaine: Be careful
Blaine: talk to you later

12:10 am
Kurt: Ok. Talk later!

7:52 pm
Blaine: This is the lamest 80th birthday party I’ve ever been to.

8:08 pm
Kurt: Approximately how many octogenarians do you know Blaine?

8:12 pm
Blaine: Well, just the one really. But this is totally lame.
Blaine: There’s no pin the tail on the donkey
Blaine: no bouncy castle
Blaine: stupid

8:15 pm
Kurt: You seem to be confusing “8th” and “80th” again

8:16 pm
Blaine: oh. yes. Damn numbers.

8:31 pm
Blaine: CARROT CAKE. Things have taken a turn for the worst.

8:33 pm
Kurt: First of all, thank you for livetexting your grandfather’s 80th birthday party.
Kurt: Second of all, what’s wrong with carrot cake?

8:35 pm
Blaine: Nothing I suppose. But red velvet would be better.

8:36 pm
Kurt: You better eat that carrot cake and be damn happy about it.
Kurt: think of all us poor, pathetic losers who have no cake at all. :(

8:40 pm
Blaine: It’s your birthday, how are you not having any cake?

8:41 pm
Kurt: I currently have no cake.
Kurt: though I believe Rachel will be bringing some cupcakes home for me soooooon

8:45 pm
Blaine: She better. Everyone deserves at least a cupcake on their birthday.

8:47 pm
Kurt: Indeed
Kurt: I wish you were here to celebrate tonight. :(

8:49 pm
Blaine: me tooooooooooooooooo
Blaine: I wouldn’t be eating stupid carrot cake either

8:51 pm
Kurt: Blaine, there’s something you need to know
Kurt: the way you feel about chicken
Kurt: is the way I feel about carrot cake
Kurt: I mean, I don’t have any poignant grandma story to go with my love
Kurt: but I believe it’s very close to the way you feel about chicken

8:54 pm
Blaine: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Blaine: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Blaine: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Blaine: can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
Blaine: I didn’t know!
Blaine: I will make amends with carrot cake!
Blaine: I’ll eat another slice right now!

8:57 pm
Kurt: Yes. Go eat more carrot cake. In my honor.
Kurt: I accept your act of contrition.

8:59 pm
Blaine: Thank you Kurt.
Blaine: So what are we doing on Monday?

9:02 pm
Kurt: We’re going to the zoo on Monday
Kurt: I’ve decided that I want to go to the Central Park Zoo

9:03 pm
Blaine: I AM A ZOO ENTHUSIAST
Blaine: And yet somehow I’ve never been to the Central Park Zoo

9:05 pm
Kurt: well then, it’s decided.
Kurt: Rachel came home with the cupcakes
Kurt: and cake flavored vodka (????)
Kurt: I’ll let you know how this goes.

9:07 pm
Blaine: Awesome.
Blaine: I’m going to go eat my weight in carrot cake.

12:26 am
Kurt: thiws cewia; vaodaka os delisofuus!
Kurt: wow. Look at a;oll the typos!!!!!
Kurt: i will type s l o w l u
Kurt: dammit
Kurt: ballien!

12:42 am
Blaine: Holy shit!
Blaine: you are the worst drunk texter I’ve ever seen!

12:48 am
Kurt: caek vdoksa baliine
Kurt: ITS CAKEI VOEKDEA

12:51 am
Blaine: yes it is Kurt. yes it is.
Blaine: did you turn off autocorrect?

12:55 am
Kurt: I DON’T KNWO!
Kurt: sigh
Kurt: now i miss your faxesc

12:57 am
Blaine: I miss your faxesc too

1:01 am
Kurt: I’m sorrrrrrrrrru I’m goiwng to prisas
Kurt: cuz you won’t bethrew

1:04 am
Blaine: how about we talk about this when you’re not drunk?

1:05 am
Kurt: ok. Good idewa

1:06 am
Blaine: are you at home?

1:08 am
Kurt: YES. YES.

1:11 am
Blaine: good make sure you stay there.
Blaine: g’night Kurt
Blaine: I’m glad you liked your cake vodka

3:47 am
Kurt: Cake vodka is terrible on its way back up.

~~~~~

On Sunday, Kurt has the worst hangover of his life. Even worse than the time he threw up on Ms. Pillsbury in high school. Much, much, much worse. He spends the day lounging in bed, sending random texts to Blaine, who responds and makes him laugh every time.

Kurt knows he’s going to have to talk to Blaine about Paris eventually, about what they’re going to do about their relationship. They’ve both been avoiding the topic. But his drunk subconscious wouldn’t let the thought go the night before and that’s why he texted Blaine about it. He decides to postpone that conversation though. He doesn’t want it to ruin his birthday trip to the zoo.

Monday is a fantastic fall day in New York City. The boys have an excellent time at the zoo and finish their day with dinner at Kurt’s favorite Thai restaurant. As they’re leaving, Kurt’s phone rings. He promises Blaine he’ll make it quick, but it’s his dad and he hates not to answer.

Kurt stops to look at something in the window of a shop and he hears someone approach Blaine behind him.

“Excuse me?” says a polite male voice.

Kurt turns towards the voice, still chatting with his dad about the zoo and the delicious dinner the boys just had. He sees a man holding hands with a little girl, all dressed up. Kurt smiles, thinking that they probably took in a show or the ballet or something.

Blaine smiles and nods and the man continues “We got all turned around. Can you tell me where the nearest subway station is?”

“Um,” Blaine starts in his most timid voice. “Um, wwwwwwwhich uh, line ddd-dah-do you need?”

“The A.”

“Oh, ok. Go one,” Blaine takes a deep breath and finds himself immediately blocked on, of course, the word block.

“What’s wrong with him, Daddy?” asks the little girl. “Is he retarded?”

~~~~~

A Moment of Blaine

Heart pounding.

Ears ringing.

Breath hitching.

Eyes roll, blinking rapidly.

Neck jerking.

My neck hasn’t jerked all day. Why now?

I hope I’m not scaring this little girl too much.

~~~~~

“He’s just... handicapped, sweetheart. Don’t say retarded. And don’t worry about it, we’ll find someone else to help us.”

Kurt hurries to get off the phone with his dad, wanting to tell this man off and to somehow gain control over this situation. The man is walking away from Blaine. Damn b-words, foiling him around every turn, Kurt can’t help but think.

Kurt’s next to Blaine in a second, who’s still stuck in the block, blinking furiously, neck jerking, hands in fists at his sides.

“Excuse me!” Kurt calls after the man. “He’s not handicapped, or ‘retarded’” Kurt finger quotes, casting the dirtiest look he can muster at a 5 year old, “he stutters.”

The man turns around and shrugs at Kurt. “That’s ok. We’ll find someone else.”

Kurt has no retort for the man, so he gives him the finger. He turns his attention to Blaine and puts a hand on his back. “That was so messed up.”

“Block,” Blaine says, with a sigh and a shake of his head. Kurt’s not sure if he’s referring to the word he was trying to say or the obstacle that got in the way of saying it.

“What a fucking dumbass,” Kurt says, as he and Blaine begin walking in the opposite direction. Blaine shrugs, eyes downcast as he shoves his hands in his jacket pockets. Kurt worries then that this incident might make Blaine regress or pull away. That man shouldn’t have acted like that. He should have been more patient, Blaine was trying so hard. Blaine could have given him great directions. With every thought, Kurt can feel himself become more and more enraged. He really can’t believe how calm Blaine is.

They walk silently back to Kurt’s apartment, but once inside Kurt can’t hold back his thoughts anymore. He doesn’t want to fight with Blaine, but he doesn’t understand, can’t even comprehend, how he can be so stoic about what just happened.

“Why you aren’t more pissed off?” Kurt exclaims as he walks back to his bedroom to hang up his coat.

Blaine follows Kurt to his room, surprised by Kurt’s sudden emotion. It seems to come out of nowhere to Blaine. Blaine had been stewing in his own thoughts for the past 10 minutes. Turning over in his mind what he could have done differently. Thinking that he needs to talk to Chad, discuss some more strategies for situations like this. Not to mention feeling humiliated that Kurt actually saw it happen. Somehow that’s the worst part, that Kurt had to watch it happen.

Blaine takes a minute to collect his thoughts, because he really does have an answer for his question.

“Cause I can’t let my-my-myself.” Blaine begins, voice full of frustration. “If I let mmm-myself get that pissed off anytime ss-ss-someone interrupts me or assumes things about mm-mm-me or may-makes me feel ss-stupid, I wah-wah-would be pissed off too mmm-muh-muh-much. Like all the time.”

“How often does this happen?”

Blaine shrugs, knowing that what he’s about to say might make Kurt more upset. “Not everyday. A couple times a ww-we-week, sss-something kind of like this happens. It doesn’t mm-matter. It’s not a... huge dd-dd-ddd-dah-deal.”

“A couple times a week! I don’t understand why you’re so unemotional about this. Get pissed off! Some things are worth getting pissed off about Blaine.”

“Don’t you get it? This is just mmmmme! This is what I’ve bbb-been trying to explain to you. These are my, my, my pp-pah-pah-prah-problems. This is my life!” Blaine’s shocked by how loud his voice is getting. He’s frustrated, but he certainly doesn’t want to take it out on Kurt.

But he really hates that Kurt saw him humiliate himself like that. Kurt has witnessed Blaine stutter that severely on occasion, but Kurt’s never seen the way people, strangers, often treat Blaine when he can’t get words out properly. Kurt’s never been privy to a situation where Blaine is dismissed or disregarded because of his speech.

“This is how it is?” Kurt’s indignant.

“Yeah, nn-nah-not all the time, ss-ss-sometimes everything is ff-fine. Lately things are even great. Sometimes things ss-suck. They just ddd-dah-do.”

“But how can you be so... resigned about it? So passive?”

Blaine sighs and sits down on the bed then.“Gee, I-I-I-I don’t know Kurt. What other choice dd-dd-do I have?” He doesn’t mean to sound as jaded and sarcastic as that came out. But Kurt’s acting like Blaine has control over how people treat him and he doesn’t.

“You could get pissed off!”

“Kurt,” Blaine says with such surrender in his voice, elbows on knees, face in hands. “It’s not ww-ww-worth it. If you’re in this, with mm-mm-me, you can’t bb-bb-bah-be pissed off all the time. You’re going to have to, to, to, to choose to let ss-some stah-stah-stuff go. And this wasn’t even that bb-bb-bad. Not even in like the tt-tah-top ten.”

“But it sucks. I’m not sure I even want to know what the top ten are like, because this was terrible.” Kurt plops down on the bed next to Blaine and leans against Blaine’s side.

“It dd-does suck,” Blaine takes his hands away from his face and places one on Kurt’s knee and smooths his thumb over it. “Don’t ww-ww-worry about it. It’s gonna bb-bb-be ok.”

Kurt looks over at Blaine then and Blaine is shocked to see tears in Kurt’s eyes. “Why are you comforting me? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

“It’s nn-nice. You know how mm-mm-many times I’ve had to comfort my, my, my, myself in this kind of situation? I’m an expert.”

Kurt starts really crying then. He can’t help it. How does Blaine cope with these things? How can he handle this type of rejection on a regular basis?

“Are you crying?” Blaine asks, trying keep the smile out of his voice. A smile is sort of the wrong reaction here, Blaine knows, but he’s so touched by Kurt’s emotional outpouring. He doesn’t want Kurt to notice that his voice is lighter than it should be during such a serious moment. “Please dd-dd-dah-don’t cry Kurt. It’s ok.”

Blaine puts his arm around Kurt, which seems to only make Kurt cry harder.

“But you’re so nice,” Kurt cries. “Why are you so nice about all of this?”

“I-I-I-I dunno, w-w-w-why are you so upset about this?” Blaine draws Kurt up in both his arms now, hugging him, rubbing his back, trying his best to soothe him.

“Because you’re winsome,” Kurt sniffles into Blaine’s shoulder. “Because you’re such a good person and no one should ever be shitty to you.”

“Kurt.” Blaine draws away from Kurt a bit, so he can see his face.. “I-I-I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it nn-nn-never bb-bb-bb-bah-bothers me. But I can’t change people. I can ww-work on my ss-spah-peech and try to make it bb-bb-better. And I’m doing that. I-I-I’m dd-dah-doing everything I can.”

Kurt takes a deep steadying breath and swipes at his eyes. “Do you want to cry now? I can hug you while you cry if you want.”

Blaine chuckles quietly and shakes his head. “I-I-I think I’m ok this time. It wah-wouldn’t be the first time I, I, I, I cried about this shit. I work hard... nn-nah-not to take it so pp-pp-personally anymore.”

“You’re really sort of amazing, you know that?” Kurt asks, wonder filling his voice.

Blaine thinks maybe this is a good time to make a point he’s wanted to make with Kurt since he first really met him. He sucks in his breath and looks down at his hands.

“This, this, this... what happened tonight, is why I nn-nn-never talked to you... last year. Why I always, uh, uh rr-ran away. I didn’t know if you ww-ww-wah-would accept mm-me, listen to mm-mm-me. I was tt-tt-too afraid to ff-ff-find out.”

Of all the things he’s admitted to Kurt, somehow how this feels like the biggest. It’s because when he’s honest with himself, he’s uncertain about how Kurt would have reacted to his speech under normal circumstances.

“I think about the windy day sometimes, when you helped me pick up my papers. You were so cute in your red hat and so obviously kind. I mean, no one else stopped to help me pick them up. I figured you were very shy and you are very shy, so I wasn’t wrong. I think if you had talked to me that day, I would have listened.”

Blaine’s not so sure. He gives Kurt his triple blink, head shake, lip twitch.

Kurt stands, abruptly. “I just need to run out quick. I need... face wash. I’ll be right back. Just... stay here. Don’t go anywhere.”

Blaine gives Kurt a confused look as Kurt grabs his coat and runs for the door.

~~~~~

A Moment of Kurt

I had to get out of there for a few minutes. It wasn’t fair that I was so upset about something Blaine has to deal with all the time.

I hated seeing that happen. I hated it. I don’t ever want to see that happen to him again.

On the other hand, I have a better understanding of why he is the way he is, why he’s so hesitant. I understand why he doesn’t trust easily, why he’d rather not talk to people he doesn’t know. He could tell me that these things happen until he’s blue in the face, but it’s different than seeing it happen.

If that’s how people have been treating him his whole life, it’s a wonder he ever talks at all.

I do worry sometimes that if I had met Blaine the normal way and not had the chance to get to know him online, I might have been one of the dumbasses, making assumptions and not being patient. I might have passed him over like so many others. I wonder if I hadn’t known he was intelligent, talented and freaking hilarious, if I would have let his speech get in the way.

I like to think I’m better than that, more accepting than that, but I don’t know. And there’s no way I’ll ever know.

He deserves cupcakes.

At the very least.

~~~~~

After Kurt leaves, Blaine throws himself face first onto Kurt’s bed, finally giving into his embarrassment, the lurking shame he feels, now that he’s alone. He knows he doesn’t have a lot of time, but he really needs a minute to scream into a pillow.

But of course the second he lets loose a serious pillow scream, he senses someone behind him.

Unbeknownst to Blaine and Kurt, Puck had been taking a nap in Rachel’s room, while waiting for Rachel to finish her shift at the coffee shop. He woke up when they came in and started fighting. Which was weird, because he didn’t really know that Blaine could fight.

“So like, is shit ok with you and Kurt?” Puck asks Blaine’s back.

Blaine leaves his face in the pillow and simply juts his hand out to the side and gives Puck a thumbs up.

“Fuck. You need to like... I don’t know...talk about it or some shit?” Puck again addresses Blaine’s back.

Blaine considers this a moment. Just a minute before he was seriously thinking about leaving actually, slipping out while Kurt was gone, which would constitute running away. But he really wants, no he needs, to talk to Matt. Given the fact that Matt’s not here and he promised Kurt he wouldn’t run away when things got tough, he decides Puck might be his best alternative at the moment. He rights himself on Kurt’s bed and looks up at Puck, who looks a combination of bed rumpled, concerned and uncomfortable.

Blaine runs his hands through his hair and sighs, not quite sure where to start. “People suck.” Yes, he thinks, that’s the perfect place to start.

This concept is something Puck understands and has some personal knowledge about, so he nods his head and says “Fuck yeah.”

“This guy, this dd-dumb guy, asked mm-mm-me for dd-dd-directions and I sssstarted stu-stu-stuttering.” Blaine stops and licks his lips, searching for words to both downplay the interaction, and also make Puck understand why Kurt reacted so badly to it. “He wwwwas, an, an asshole about it and his kid asked if I was rr-rr-re-re-retarded. Kurt got all upset.”

“And why the fuck didn’t you get all upset?” Puck asks.

“It’s sss-sss-something that happens to, to, to, to me sometimes. I’m used to it. Kurt isn’t. And ww-ww-ww-we got home and fought about it a little. Well, not rr-rr-really a fight. More of a … heated conversation. I dd-dd-dah-don’t know. I hate how upset he was. I’m mmm-mmm-mostly embarrassed that he had to sssee it.”

“Fuck. I’m not good with this kinda shit. Makes want to go kick some ass or something when shit gets heavy.”

“It’s ok, man. I dd-dd-don’t really need advice or anything. I just nn-nn-nee-nee-needed to say it. In fact, I think I need to re-re-repeat it. I am so fucking embarrassed.”

“Why embarrassed?” Puck asks with a dismissive shrug.

“I hate that, that, that he saw me like that. I-I-I-I mean, he’s seen me sort of like that in the pp-past, bb-bb-bb-but he thought he had to de-de-de-defend me and then he ww-wah-as upset. I hate that it upset him so mm-much.”

“Don’t be a dumbass. Kurt’s a good guy. He definitely only got that upset cause he’s all into you or whatever. Shit, this is so not my thing. You wanna like, go drink and get in a fight or something? I could do that.”

“Nah, thanks though. Kurt will be rr-rr-right bb-bb-bb-bah-back. He said he had to go bb-b-b-b-buy face wash, but I think he nn-nee-needed some air.”

Puck raises his eyebrows at that. “Yeah, Kurt always has that shit laying around.”

“I know. I was just like,” here Blaine lifts his hands and makes a confused face.

Puck turns to leave then and Blaine says “Wait. Can ww-ww-we, uh, pretend this conversation nn-nn-never happened? I don’t really www-wah-want Kurt to know... I dunno. Whatever.”

“I hear ya, bro. Not a word.” Puck comes back into the room to give Blaine a fist bump and then Blaine throws himself down, face first, on the bed. He hears Puck go back to Rachel’s room and allows himself a few more minutes of self-pity.

When Blaine hears Kurt’s footsteps on the stairs, he hauls himself off Kurt’s bed and goes to sit at the kitchen island. Kurt’s holding a dozen red velvet mini-cupcakes from the bakery down the street and there’s no face wash in sight.

The boys smile at each other, both feeling a little shy, a little over emotional. Kurt puts the cupcakes on the counter and gets out some milk and two glasses. Blaine’s eyes follow him around the kitchen, working up something good to say, something to let Kurt know that everything really is fine. When he can’t seem to drum up a decent statement, he decides to ask a question.

“Are you feeling bb-bb-bah-better?” he asks.

“It is so very ridiculous that you’re asking me that.”

Blaine shrugs.

“I’m sorry I was so upset before. It really wasn’t my place to be that upset. I have a lot of … emotions about you and I want everyone to be nice to you all the time.”

Blaine makes a noise that’s half sigh, half laugh and can’t quite meet Kurt’s eyes. He has no idea what to say to that. Everyone can’t be nice to him all the time. That’s not how the world works.

“Can I ask you how you’re doing? I know you said you’re ok, but I really want to make sure I ask. You’re allowed to not be ok, Blaine.”

Blaine looks at Kurt then, knowing he needs to tell him... something. He doesn’t really want to get into the whole thing again, because he actually is starting to feel better, talking to Puck helped. And there’s something about the cupcakes and milk that’s really starting to make everything seem ok. Cupcakes and milk and Puck being his friend and Kurt being his boyfriend. Kurt makes everything, every aspect of Blaine’s life, better.

Blaine finally speaks the thought that’s been troubling him the most. He turns on his stool, so he’s facing Kurt fully. “I rr-rr-really hope I-I-I-I-I didn’t ssscare that little girl too much.”

“That kid was such a bitch!”

“She was nn-nn-not! I think she, she, she was scared.”

“Blaine. She asked if you were retarded. RETARDED. Do you realize how offensive that is? On so many levels?!”

“It’s ok. She’s a kid, Kurt. She... dd-dah-dah-doesn’t know any bb-bb-bb-bet-bet-ter. I-I-I'm nah-not offended.”

And he really isn’t offended. But he is worried about the scared look on the little girl’s face. It made him wonder whether or not he’s suited to be a teacher. What if he has a bad block in front of a classroom of kids? And he scares them? He’ll add it to the list of things he needs to talk to Chad about.

“Well, she should know better.”

Blaine just shrugs again. He feels like he’s starting to run out of words now. Talking like this, so openly and honestly, even with Kurt, is taking a toll on Blaine. It exhausts him. Searching for words, trying to articulate everything that’s going on in his brain, fighting to get the thoughts out of his mouth, it all just makes him want to take a nap.

“It’s ok.” Blaine knows his words are lacking. There’s one more thing he really wants to say before he loses his steam. “I-I-I-I I can’t bb-buh-be-believe how mm-muh-much... you care.”

“Of course I care. Maybe I care too much, even. I was so upset tonight, I’m still upset. But I’m also astounded by your compassion. I really admire you, Blaine.”

“I-I-I-I can’t imagine ww-ww-why.” Blaine smiles sadly, unable to look away from his hands.

“Because instead of sitting here whining about how mean people are to you, you’re more worried about some little girl you don’t even know. You … humble me.”

“I dah-don’t know what to ss-say,” Blaine mumbles quietly, eyes still downcast.

Kurt moves directly into Blaine's line of vision, and gently nudges Blaine's chin up with a curled finger. Eye contact is too raw, too intimate right now, so Blaine winces, unprepared for the depth of Kurt's gesture. When he finally allows his eyes to drift up, what he finds is the face of a person who not only accepts him, despite his many (perceived) shortcomings, but also likes him, cares about him, and admires him.

“Don’t worry about that little girl. Don’t worry about finding the right words to say. You don’t have to say anything. I like you and I’m so happy to be with you, no matter what.”

Blaine is overwhelmed, but this time he has no desire to shy away from Kurt.

From Kurt's acceptance.

Of him.

All of him.

Kurt presses a gentle kiss on Blaine’s mouth, Blaine responds and as their kiss deepens, Kurt feels a tear trickle down Blaine’s cheek.

Kurt’s surprised, so he pulls back to look at Blaine. His eyes are closed, his lashes are stuck together with tears and his chin quivers with the effort of holding his emotions in. Kurt leans in between Blaine’s knees and encircles him in his arms, wrapping him as tightly as he can. Blaine buries his face into Kurt’s shoulder, suddenly desperate for comfort.

“It’s ok,” Kurt murmurs soothingly, over and over into Blaine’s ear.

And it really is.

Blaine doesn’t need to cry these days when the world at large underestimates (dismisses, ignores, rejects) him.

What makes Blaine want to cry these days is Kurt’s (endless, boundless, ceaseless) kindness.

He’ll have to explain that to Kurt sometime.

But for now he can give into Kurt’s kindness and let himself cry.

Just for a little while.