Why’s it have to be this hard
cause the past has left me with scars
and I don’t want you to be another
so excuse me while I walk away
cause it’s easier than to say
“Hi, how are you today?”

"How Do I Say Hello" by Chris Crump

This song. This stupid freaking song. The first time I heard it, I was confused that someone else had written a song about about the first time I ever saw you. It really expresses how I felt the first couple times I saw you, before I met you online. I mean, look at those lyrics Kurt! I almost feel too close to it really say much more about it. Luckily it’s fairly self-explanatory I think.

This is also the first video file. I was having kind of a bad talking day, so I made signs. Now I feel like it’s kind of lame. I hope you like it.

~~~~~

Kurt hits play on Blaine’s video file. He sees Blaine sitting in his dorm room, guitar on his lap. Blaine smiles his shyest smile and licks his lips. He waves and holds up a sign that says “Hello” with a happy face drawn on it. Then he holds up a sign that says “I miss you and you haven’t even left yet.” Then he flips through several signs in succession. The first, “I really like this song.” The second, “This is how I used to feel about you.” The third, “Apparently I still have trouble saying hello.” The last, “But at least now I’ve found a way to tell you I’m thinking about you.”

Then Blaine begins to play. He makes his usual “into the music” faces and his hands are steady while he strums the chords, even though just moments ago he was so obviously nervous. It’s one of the things that surprised Kurt early in their relationship. No matter how nervous Blaine was, no matter how shaky his hands might have seemed, as soon as he has an instrument in his hands he finds his confidence. Blaine is a musician, through and through.

As the last notes fade, Blaine looks back at the camera and smiles his version of a cocky grin. Kurt can tell he’s proud of his performance.

Kurt is flabbergasted by the song, by the sheer emotion of it and how very unbelievably perfect it is for Blaine and the way Blaine used to act. Blaine holds up a sign that says “I love you.” Then he blows Kurt a kiss and shuts off the camera. Kurt can’t help but blow a kiss back to the darkened computer screen.

~~~~~

A Moment of Kerry

When I peek through the slightly ajar door to Matt and Blaine’s room, I see Blaine sitting at his desk with his earbuds in, getting very into a drum solo. I want to ask him to get dinner because it’s basically the perfect opportunity to continue Operation: Become Blaine’s Friend. Matt has class tonight and Blaine would probably end up at the dining hall by himself.

But I also know he’s not great with being startled, so I take a couple steps down the hall and text him that I’m gonna stop by. He responds almost immediately with “Sure thing.”

I knock on the door a minute later and stick my head in.

~~~~~

Blaine has taken his earbuds out and turns to smile from his desk. “Matt’s nah-not here,” he says, by way of greeting.

“I know, I’m here to see you.”

“Oh. Um.” He stands up then, hands fisted by his side, and he looks over at Kerry questioningly. “What’s up?”

“Wanna go get dinner?” Kerry gestures towards the door, but she’s not entirely sure why. Blaine is going to realize that they need to go out to get dinner.

“You don’t mm-mm-mind going wwwwww-with me?”

“Blaine. I’m never going to understand why you ask questions like that. If I’m here and I’m asking you to go, doesn’t that seem like I want to have dinner with you?” Kerry says with a grin and raise of her eyebrow to soften the sentiment.

He shrugs and looks away. He has a few things he’d like to say, but it’s all going to sound like pity party talk. He’d like to tell her that she doesn’t have to be nice to him just because he’s Matt’s roommate. He’d like to tell her that he doesn’t understand why she wants to be his friend.

Instead he says, “I-I-I figured I-I-I’d check.”

Kerry smiles again. “I solemnly swear I want to hang out with you.”

Blaine smiles back at her as he gathers up his wallet and phone. He puts on his coat and the pair is out the door.

While they wait for the elevator, Blaine asks Kerry what she’s in the mood for.

“I was thinking Mexican. You like it, I like it and Matt detests it. So it seems like a good choice for a time when he’s not around.”

“Ssssss-so you’re cheating on Matt wwww-www-with food?”

“I am. I’m a wild woman like that, Blaine.”

“Untameable,” Blaine agrees.

Once in the elevator, Blaine worries about how stilted the conversation might be. He really does like Kerry, he finds her easy going and sweet and quite funny in her own quirky way, but she’s a chatter. She likes to keep up a conversation. And he has a feeling the Kerry is still under the impression that when Blaine is quiet it means that he doesn’t want to be her friend, when really it just means he’s being Blaine.

Outside it’s almost too cold to talk. The wind is whipping through the surprisingly quiet city streets. Blaine and Kerry pick their way around the leftover snow drifts from last week’s blizzard and the icy puddles at the street corners.

They enter the Mexican place that’s only a block from their dorm and Blaine looks around, taking in the possible obstacles in front of him. It’s the kind of place where you order at the counter and they bring the food to the table. There are a few other groups already seated and eating and no one in line. He’s only been here once or twice because Matt hates Mexican, so any time he gets it, he’s usually with Kurt. Kurt has lots of opinions about restaurants, so normally they go to the Mexican restaurant closer to his apartment.

Kerry sees Blaine surveying the scene and she knows that this is always the hard part for him. He and Matt have a little system worked out and Kerry’s watched a hundred times as they stand in line and wordlessly communicate whether or not Blaine wants Matt to order for him.

As Blaine scans the menu and the daily specials, Kerry moves close to his side and says, “I’m going to guess you want something involving chicken?”

She’s not sure if she should come out and ask if he wants her to order for him; she doesn’t want to embarrass him. On the other hand, she’s honestly not sure if he’d be comfortable asking her for help, if he felt like he needed it.

She makes sure to catch his eye and she nods her head toward the menu while making a little “me to you” gesture with her pointer finger like Matt always does. Blaine licks his lips and sighs and then nods.

“Chicken … burrito?” Kerry asks him and he nods.

“Ranchero style,” he leans over to whisper in her ear.

They get their orders in, Blaine elbowing Kerry out of the way so he can pay for both of them.

They take one of the booths towards the back of the restaurant and Blaine studies his hands.

“Thank you for, for, for helping mmmmme.”

“Any time,” Kerry says with a grin.

He’s extremely embarrassed, but he’s not quite sure why. It’s not like Kerry hasn’t seen Matt help him in the same scenario a thousand times. It’s not like his speech is any secret to her. And really, burrito is one of his most dreaded words. He always has trouble saying it for some reason. It wasn’t even like he had to ask for help, she knew exactly what to do. He thinks it’s just that it always comes back to the fact that he even needs help in the first place.

He knows his speech is a little... off lately. (Particularly on the phone. He really needs to work on talking on the phone.) Where he’d be making leaps and bounds with it leading up to Thanksgiving, he then plateaued a bit, which like Chad tells him, is to be expected. But it seems like because he isn’t talking as much lately, he’s not practicing enough, and instead of plateauing he might even be in a bit of a backslide.

It’s not like Kurt’s the only person he talks to, he just happens to do the vast majority of talking to him. Not to mention that he took almost a month off from therapy between Christmas and the beginning of the semester and that doesn’t help either. But he knows he needs to start working on it more. And sitting here with Kerry is a good opportunity.

“You rr-rr-rr-rr-really pah-pay a lot of attention to sss-stuh-stuff dah-don’t you?” When he realized that Kerry was doing exactly what Matt usually does, with the little hand gesture, he felt relieved. But it was also another moment where he felt a bit conspicuous. He would have never guessed she noticed their little asides or the small things Matt does to make these interactions run a little smoother.

“I do,” she agrees.

Blaine clears his throat uncomfortably. “Why?” When Kerry looks at him with her brows furrowed in confusion, he continues “Why dd-dah-dah-do you pah-pay so mmmm-much attention?”

It’s Kerry’s turn to blush. “Well, honestly? I think you and Matt have pretty much the most amazing friendship on earth. I love watching the two of you interact. It’s like you’re always up to something in your own little Matt and Blaine world.”

Blaine laughs at that and shrugs. “Matt’s amazing for sure. I-I-I-I-I’m always ss-suh-sur-surprised he even bah-bah-bah-others with mmmmmm--mah-me.”

Kerry rolls her eyes. “I think I’m going to declare a moratorium on you talking like that about yourself.”

“Moratorium! That’s an eh-eh-excellent wah-word.” He curses internally. He never stutters on e’s. Now he knows he needs to work harder, practice more.

“I know about your word boner, Blaine.”

Blaine whips his head up and looks at Kerry wide eyed. She returns the look with a smile.

He leans across the table and whispers, “You just said boner.”

“I know,” she whispers back, feigning a scandalized look.

Their food comes to the table then and they start eating.

“I’m not kidding about your friendship, Blaine. I know you think Matt’s amazing, but you’re pretty amazing yourself. And you’re a really good friend to him too. It goes both ways. Sometimes I think he likes you more than he likes me.”

“Well, I-I-I-I’m very attractive,” he mumbles around a mouthful of guacamole and chips.

“Obviously. And your beard is super sexy.”

He rubs his chin with his free hand. “This old thing?” he asks. “It’s a ww-wah-work in pp-pp-progress. Just www-wah-wait Kerry. It’s going to be be be be even beh-beh-better sssssss-ssssss-soon.”

Blaine is pleasantly surprised with how much fun he’s having with Kerry. He quickly got over his embarrassment of her having to help him and they fell into a great rhythm. It turns out that given some quality time, her nature reminds him a bit of Kurt’s. Not necessarily personality wise, but she’s not nervous, she’s not jittery. Her disposition is calm like Kurt’s. He finds himself saying that they should make a standing dinner date on Tuesday nights while Matt’s in class.

She agrees and adds, “We’ll eat all the food he hates. Mexican, Asian fusion and the panini press place, too.”

“I rr-rr-really dah-don’t understand www-wah-what he has against ppp-ppp-paninis. All I-I-I can ever get out of him is that he feels bah-bah-bah-bah-bad for the breh-bread.”

Kerry rolls her eyes, but her smile is affectionate and Blaine returns it as they walk back into the frigid night air.

~~~~~

To: Chad, From: Blaine
Date: Tues, Feb 10, 8:57 pm
Subject: Here’s what I’m thinking

I decided to email you this so that you have to hold me to it and I can’t wimp out.

So, here goes.

I want to try the adult intensive stuttering thing. Whatever it’s called. The 12 week night course. I think you’re right, I have to do more. I’m losing ground and my speech isn’t improving and I’m not practicing enough.

Why is that all so hard to admit?

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Chad
Date: Wed, Feb 11, 8:48 am
Subject: re: Here’s what I’m thinking

[I will not say I told you so, I will not say I told you so, I will not say I told you so.]

What’s a professional way of saying “I told you so”? Think of one and tell me when I see you tomorrow.

All kidding aside, Blaine, it’s a good idea. I think it’ll help you, if only because you do need to practice more. It’s a low pressure situation, everyone’s in the same boat as you and they understand. And it’s hard to admit for a hundred reasons, but the important part is that you admitted it. Good for you.

You know I’ve done it myself, we’ll discuss it thoroughly at your next session. I’ll check the dates of when the next class starts.

~~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine
Date: Fri, Feb 13, 1:38 pm
Subject: A proposal

I heard from a reliable source that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. And in honor of that fact, I’d like to do something for you.

I’m around all day and I think we should try skyping. I miss your face, just like I knew I would and I think our first Valentine’s Day is a good time to try out this new communication method. So, you tell me what a good time is for you and it’ll be a date. And I promise to stay on for at least an hour.

Also I’ll reveal the next password later tonight, because the folder contains a song for Valentine’s day this time and I want to make sure you have it.

I’m going to your apartment tonight. Rachel’s having people over. This is only the second time I’m going since you left. I don’t really like it there without you. But you know Rachel, she’s fairly insistent about these things and everyone else is going too. Matt, Kerry, Puck. I mean how do I really say no to that? But there are going to be a bunch of people I only semi-know. I wish you were here with me.

Love you. Miss you.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt
Date: Fri, Feb 13th, 8:39 pm
Subject: re: A proposal

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but I really, really, really love you.

I love that you’re willing to test your boundaries and leave your comfort zone and do things you normally wouldn’t just because you love me.

So, yes, thank you, Blaine. I accept your proposal. How about tomorrow around noon your time? I would say earlier, but you shouldn’t have to get up too early on the weekend just to talk to little old me.

I honestly don’t think I could love you more right now and I really can’t wait to see your pulchritudinous face. :)