You and I
we might be strangers
however close we get sometimes
it’s like we never met

You and I by Wilco

This is another song that reminds me of very early in our non-relationship. We got really close sometimes and nothing ever happened. I take full responsibility for that. I mean, I could have talked to you and probably started things up a bit sooner.

And while it reminds me of our run-ins in real life, it also reminds me of our time talking online. Basically, it’s just a great outline of how I felt for you from the first time I saw you until the first time I saw YOU.

I think you’ll understand the difference.

We’re getting really close to when you come home and I’m sure I’ve said it a lot, but I really love you Kurt. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so glad we’re not just strangers.

~~~~~

On Wednesday evening, Blaine meanders his way from work to group therapy. He has some time to kill, as he usually does on Wednesday nights. All the kids got picked up on time and he was out by 6:30 and his group doesn’t start until 7:30.

He’s hanging out, eating some chicken tenders and fries at his favorite tiny chicken place, when his phone buzzes. He assumes it’s Matt or Tina or somebody texting him and his hands are all greasy and he figures they can wait 5 minutes while he finishes his food. When he’s done, he dumps his trash, washes his hands and checks his phone.

Instead of a text he has a missed call and a voicemail.

From Kurt.

He plays the message as he leaves the restaurant, a thousand thoughts running through his mind in a millisecond. He hasn’t heard from Kurt since Friday because he and Julia were in Versailles and they didn’t have internet access. It’s weird for Kurt to leave a message right now. It’s weird for Kurt to be calling him, period. Maybe he just misses Blaine.

“Blaine, kindly call me as soon as it’s convenient for you,” Kurt says, in a strained voice.

The phone still isn’t Blaine’s favorite means of communication, but he knows he’s going to have to suck it up. He has 20 minutes until group starts. Before thinking much of it, he calls Kurt back.

Hello. [Kurt’s voice is tired, maybe even a bit rough.]

Hey! [Blaine swallows hard.] Um. You called mmmmm-mmmmm-me?

Yeah. I got an interesting email from Rachel.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah?

Yeah. There was video with it. From the party.

Um. Yeah. It was a, a, fun nn-nn-nn-nn-night.

You had fun? I could tell.

I-I-I was rr-rr-rr-really dru-dru-drunk.

Hmm.

[A memory dawns on Blaine.] Holy shit! I-I-I-I forgot to, to, to tell, uh you.

That Justin was there.

[Blaine finally realizes that Kurt’s voice isn’t tired or rough, it’s filled with barely contained rage.] What? Um, nnn-nnn-nnn-nnn-no.

No? That’s weird.

I-I-I-I-I dih-dih-dih-didn’t invite him.

Oh, so someone else did? [Kurt’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.]

What? He. I-I-I... uh.

That wasn’t him flirting with you?

Flirting? I-I. [Blaine’s blocked. He gulps a few times. But no words come out.]

Oh, come on Blaine. You must remember the guy who was standing in my apartment literally hitting on you. He was all over you and you were laughing. You were just … You were having fun. You liked it.

I-I-I-I... [Nothing’s coming out. Kurt’s not even paying attention and Blaine can hardly breathe.]

You didn’t think I’d find out. You figured there would be no way that I would ever find out, but then Rachel started recording. And you were flirting Blaine. I saw you!

I-I. Kurt. [He’s begging now.]

I can’t believe it Blaine. I just can’t fucking believe you would do that. In my apartment, in front of all my friends. It was like you were flaunting it. And I can’t believe none of them told me!

Kurt. [Blaine tries again. He’s almost at group therapy now. He’s going to have to go inside in a minute. Or maybe he should skip. No. He needs to get off this phone call. He can’t have a fight on the phone with Kurt. He can’t even explain himself. He’ll tell Kurt he has class.]

What, Blaine? What?

I-I-I-I-I have... class.

[Kurt explodes.] Fuck you Blaine! Fuck that! Classes are over. You know that I know that. And I know you don’t have an exam because you told me your schedule this week so we could skype. Stop trying to get out of this!

[Blaine feels like he might cry. He’s so frustrated. Kurt never acts like this.] I-I-I-I thought you you you wah-wah-would understand.

What? What am I supposed to understand this time Blaine?

That, that, that. [Blaine sighs.] I-I-I-I’m nn-nn-nn-not lying.

About which part? Justin? Flirting? Having class?

All. [deep breath] All of it.

All of it?

Justin ww-ww-wah-wah-wasn’t at your a-a-a-a-a-apartment. I-I-I-I-I-I dih-dih-didn’t fluh-flirt. I-I-I-I dah-do have class. [He says it in a rush, words bleeding together, but at least he gets it all out.]

[Kurt laughs mirthlessly.] So, who’s the guy in the video?

I-I-I-I dunno. Nnnnnnnnnn-ot Justin. [Blaine can’t remember at the moment. He talked to lots of people Friday night.]

That’s great. So what class do you have?

I-I-I-I. I dih-dih-didn’t wwwww-want to tell you.

I’m rolling my eyes here Blaine.

Why are you bb-bb-bb-being su-such a dah-dick? [Blaine blurts this out.]

What?

You. [Blaine sucks in a breath. Thinking of every single method, technique, trick he can remember when it comes to his speech.] You’re nn-nn-nn-not ss-ss-ss-supposed to to to to act like this.

You’re not supposed to act like you do either.

[Blaine blinks back tears.] I-I-I-I-I. [He sighs and swallows.] Have class.

Sure. Sure you do, Blaine.

I-I-I-I-I dah-do. Can ww-ww-ww-we … i.m. tomorrow?

We need to talk about this shit, Blaine. You can always talk when it doesn’t matter, but now it does matter.

[Blaine’s silent for a full minute. He’s not blocked on a particular word, he just can’t talk. Kurt won’t accept anything he has to say. Kurt’s not listening.]

You can’t ignore me, Blaine.

The phone, Kurt. [He’s aware he’s pleading and he sounds pathetic.]

Blaine! We have to talk about this. You need to talk to me. It’s not actually that hard.

[Blaine pulls his phone away from his ear then. He stares at it for 10 seconds, 15 seconds. He considers throwing it, but that won’t solve anything. Instead he hits “end.”]

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine
Date: Wed, May 13th, 11:38pm
Subject: several points.

1. I apologize for hanging up on you, but you weren’t listening and I couldn’t talk.
2. I was not with Justin at the party. I haven’t seen Justin since the night he talked to me after the work complaint.
3. I think you saw one of Puck’s roommates talking to me. I wasn’t flirting. I don’t think he was flirting. I’m 99% sure he’s straight.
4. When you called, I was on my way to my intensive group speech therapy class. I’ve been going for about 2 months. It’s helping me a lot. I didn’t tell you about because I was trying to surprise you with how good I sound in real life.
5. You seem to have some … issues with me that haven’t come up while you’re away and we need to work it out. I have off from work tomorrow. I’ll be online, in my room, trying to study for my exam on Friday, all afternoon. Please come online and talk to me.
6. I can’t skype, I can’t talk on the phone. If we’re gonna do this, I need to type. Maybe I’m not in a position to make demands, but I don’t think I’ve actually done anything wrong, so please at least let me type instead of trying to talk.
7. Talking is hard for me. I thought you, of all people, understood that.
8. I’m sorry, for whatever you think I’ve done, or whatever I was doing and didn’t realize it. If I knew what it was, I would apologize more specifically.

~~~~~

May 14th
@ 12:57 pm

Kurt: Hi

Blaine: Hey

Kurt: I got your email

Blaine: good

Kurt: Can I comment?

Blaine: Of course.

Kurt: I’m sorry I got so worked up
I’ve just felt really disconnected while I’ve been here
and I shouldn’t have snapped

Blaine: I accept your apology

Kurt: and I accept your apology for hanging up on me
I also apologize for getting you to that point

Blaine: I’ve never hung up on anyone before
I felt really guilty

Kurt: Yeah, it’s not as much fun as it would seem to be

Blaine: So I wasn’t flirting

Kurt: I know
I’m sorry
it just looked like you were
and I
I’ve been dealing with a lot of weird emotions while I’ve been here

Blaine: okay
you could have told me about them

Kurt: I know
I tried
I guess I just never came out and *said* it
and then I got like mad at you in my head because you weren’t reading my mind

Blaine: Oh, good. That sounds entirely fair to me

Kurt: You do realize you’ve been fairly oblivious to how I feel

Blaine: what?
how?

Kurt: Telling me about all these new friends
and bragging about a guy hitting on you?

Blaine: I wasn’t bragging!
well, I wasn’t bragging about getting hit on
I was bragging (but not even really bragging) about being able to TALK to people

Kurt: see, but Blaine
I’m your boyfriend
so you talking about getting hit on, translates to something more like bragging
and then I got jealous

Blaine: then tell me you’re jealous

Kurt: I did! I mentioned it!

Blaine: Like barely, you never made me think it was a real issue
or that it was still an issue
don’t bottle it up for an entire semester and then accost me over the phone
that wasn’t fair
I was basically helpless
you backed me into a corner

Kurt: I didn’t mean to though

Blaine: and I didn’t mean to make you jealous

Kurt: we’re at a bit of an impasse there

Blaine: so what I else was I doing wrong?

Kurt: I don’t know
nothing
everything

Blaine: what? if we’re going to do this, let’s do this

Kurt: well, it was like you didn’t care if you missed or had to cancel an im date or skyping or whatever

Blaine: of course I cared!
I didn’t care when you missed!

Kurt: but that’s sort of the point, we BOTH have to care

Blaine: You know what I mean
I care, I care about you and talking to you
I just didn’t... mind. I didn’t take it personally if you had something else to do.

Kurt: but I didn’t really have anything else to do
all of a sudden you had SO MUCH TO DO
you were so busy

Blaine: what. the. hell.
I told you I was keeping busy because it made me miss you less!

Kurt: You never missed me as much as I missed you

Blaine: seriously?
seriously Kurt?
you want to compete about missing each other?
I was doing my best
making the most out of a shitty situation
you used to admire that about me, as I recall.

Kurt: I still do!
I just had trouble thinking of it like that
and you have all these friends now

Blaine: HOLY SHIT!
I thought you *wanted* me to be friends with your friends
I thought you wanted me to be happy?
Why are you acting like this?

Kurt: I don’t know!
I’m jealous
and I don’t know how to deal
and I’m too far away
and you

Blaine: what? I what?

Kurt: you didn’t seem to care
you were fine

Blaine: I was fine
I am fine
I worked at being fine
mostly because I didn’t feel like sitting around crying for 5 months
that shouldn’t make me a villain

Kurt: you’re not a villain

Blaine: then what am I?

Kurt: oblivious

Blaine: but I didn’t know I was being oblivious!

Kurt: Yes, Blaine.
That’s the pretty much what obliviousness entails

Blaine: This isn’t fair
you should have told me

Kurt: You should have told me about your speech class

Blaine: I wanted to surprise you!
and that doesn’t compare
it was a couple hours a week
and I figured if I failed or dropped out you didn’t have to know

Kurt: who knew you were taking it?

Blaine: Just Matt and Kerry
I didn’t tell anyone else because I didn’t want you to find out
I just didn’t want you to know if I failed.

Kurt: But why won’t you let me help me?
why wouldn’t you give me the opportunity to comfort you if you failed?

Blaine: because
I didn’t want you to pity me
I don’t ever want you to pity me

Kurt: there’s a difference between pity and comfort
there’s a difference between pity and concern
I want to know about your life Blaine
it’s like you shared all the wrong stuff

Blaine: I shared all the wrong stuff?
I had no idea that sharing could be wrong

Kurt: I just mean
you never told me about the day to day stuff
the things that were happening on a daily basis
the little things that were going on in your life

Blaine: you don’t care about that stuff
that’s boring

Kurt: no, that’s life

Blaine: I never
I never had anyone to share with like that
when I’m around you it’s like we’re always talking about BIG stuff
I didn’t know you wanted to know the little stuff
and I know I sound so dumb.

Kurt: No. You’re not dumb.
I think I get it
Neither of us were trying to hurt the other

Blaine: I was never trying to hurt you
I would never hurt you

Kurt: I know
I know, I’m sorry

Blaine: I’m sorry too
so we’re good?

Kurt: I think

Blaine: I think so too

Kurt: I think I need … a couple weeks

Blaine: Wait. What?

Kurt: We’ll see each other in two weeks
Would you mind. Can we not talk until I get home?

Blaine: I thought we’re ok?
I thought everything was ok

Kurt: everything is ok
or it will be
but I don’t want to talk to you like this anymore
I’m tired of have things between us
Having to talk like this, things get misconstrued
I’m tired of it
I want to just have fun for my last two weeks here
Julia and I have a bunch of side trips planned
I won’t have much internet access
we probably wouldn’t have talked more than once or twice anyway

Blaine: are you breaking up with me?

Kurt: No! No! we’re not taking a break even, not from our relationship
I just can’t do it like this
we need to actually, physically talk when I get home
there’s too much to say still
but I can’t do it like this anymore

Blaine: I could try the phone again?

Kurt: no, Blaine, that’s not what I mean
I need to see you
touch you
be *with* you
I’m tired of talking to you like this
and I need some time to think

Blaine: I feel like we’re breaking up
I feel like … terrible

Kurt: no, we’re not
I just need time
you need time too

Blaine: I thought everything was fine
we were fine
I can talk! We can talk.

Kurt: Blaine. It’s two weeks.
we’ve already made it 17
we can do two weeks without talking

Blaine: I guess
this feels horrible Kurt

Kurt: I’m sorry. I just need to think.

Blaine: Ok. Ok.
I’m so sorry

Kurt: I’m sorry too
this will be good for us
I swear

Blaine: Alright
I still love you

Kurt: I still love you too

Blaine: I have to say one more thing
before we go

Kurt: go ahead

Blaine: You can’t ever talk to me again like you did last night

Kurt: ok

Blaine: I mean it Kurt
I can forgive you this time
because we’re far away
but you can’t do that again

Kurt: I know, I’m sorry Blaine

Blaine: I trust you
and you really hurt my feelings

Kurt: I didn’t mean for anything I said to come out like that
when I said “talk” I swear I meant “communicate”

Blaine: It still felt like a low blow

Kurt: Alright
I’ll do better from now on

Blaine: thank you
I’ll try too

Kurt: I’ll talk to you two weeks?

Blaine: Yeah
I don’t like this
but I’m trying to respect it

Kurt: It’ll go quick, I swear

Blaine: Alright

Kurt: Love you

Blaine: Love you, too

Kurt: bye poop

Blaine: bye Kurt