March 15, 2015, 7 p.m.
Say Something: Trying too Hard
E - Words: 2,679 - Last Updated: Mar 15, 2015 Story: Complete - Chapters: 22/? - Created: Oct 19, 2014 - Updated: Oct 19, 2014 140 0 0 0 0
I hope you arent all ready to kill me. If you are, hold on to that, because after next chapter that feeling isnt going to change. Just wanted to warn you. When I put angsty in the warnings, I had no idea it would be this bad, but I guess writing about my own experience brought out all my trust and insecurity issues and those transferred onto Kurt. I hope that is what makes this story so much more real. Again, thanks for reading.
After their sort of romantic dinner, the two boys ended up on the couch, sitting cross legged on opposite cushions, facing each other. Even though there was space between them, Blaine had reached out right away and caught Kurts hand. He wanted to take things slow, but he also wanted to always be touching Kurt.
Their conversation consisted mostly of their finals, or in Kurts case, his lack there of. Hed gotten lucky and tested out of most of the finals, and only had one project to turn in before Christmas break.
Blaine, on the other hand, had three finals, one being the next afternoon, and two the following day. He knew he should be thinking about going home and studying, but he couldnt bring himself to leave.
Kurt sensed Blaines hesitancy. Never one to hold back, Kurt decided to find out. "Blaine, you really should head home and study. Dont you have your Music Theory final tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he replied, sliding his fingers back and forth between Kurts, enjoying the smoothness of the other boys hands. "Not till the afternoon, though, so Im good."
"Well, even though I dont have any actual finals to take," he smiled at that fact, "Im still pretty tired."
Blaine looked up at Kurt then with a sad expression. "But we took a nap today." He said, his bottom lip coming out a little.
"Yes, and while it was wonderful at the time, we both need to get some uninterrupted sleep tonight."
"I know, but cant we just sit together and watch a movie first? Im not ready to go home just yet."
Kurt knew the was stalling. "Why dont you want to leave, Blaine? Are you scared?" Blaine nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Kurts face was the picture of resignation. "You dont think youll come back, do you?" He asked in a quiet voice.
"What? Oh God, no." Blaine said, shaking his head. "I-Im afraid that youll come to your senses and realize you were stupid to give me another chance." Blaine avoided Kurts gaze, instead choosing to look down at the couch.
But Kurt was having none of it, and reached his hand over to cup Blaines chin, forcing him to look at Kurt. "Blaine, listen, I know these last 24 hours have been...interesting to say the least, and honestly, last night I was ready to walk away. But with everything that has happened since then, Ive put that thought on hold...for now."
Blaines eyes filled with tears and he whispered, "Really?"
"Yes, really. I said I was willing to give you another chance, and I am. So unless you do something really stupid, like not calling me tomorrow, then I promise youll have that second chance."
Blaine lunged forward then launching himself at an unsuspecting Kurt, who toppled backward over the arm of the couch with a high pitched scream, taking the shorter boy with him. Blaine landed on Kurt with an umph, and the two boys began laughing hysterically.
Once they got their laughter under control, Blaine removed himself from Kurt and reached down to help the taller boy up, pulling him immediately into a hug.
"Thank you," Blaine whispered into Kurts ear. The two enjoyed the closeness for another few seconds, before Blaine pulled away, but not before placing a soft kiss on Kurts cheek. "Even with everything, I had a really good time today. I love spending time with you." His voice was soft and trembled a little.
Kurt smiled. "Me too. Now, come on," he took Blaines hand and led him to the door. "You have some studying to do." As they approached the door, Kurt pulled Blaine into another hug, this one lasting only a few seconds, but just as meaningful. "Goodnight."
Blaine realized right away that Kurt had not said goodbye or Ill see you tomorrow. This saddened him, so he said, "Ill talk to you after my exam, ok?" Kurt avoided Blaines eyes as he opened the door, but Blaine didnt leave, instead moving in front of Kurt. "I promise."
Kurt looked up then, tears shining in his blue eyes. Blaine felt as though a dagger had been thrust into his heart. He knew he was the cause of all Kurts pain and sadness, and he planned to do anything and everything to make it up the this beautiful boy.
When Kurt didnt respond, Blaine cupped his cheek and brushed away a stray tear. "I promise." Kurt heard the sincerity in his voice and saw the determination in the hazel eyes looking back at him.
"Ok," Kurt finally answered, before Blaine turned and walked away. Kurt did nothing to stop the tears running freely down his cheeks, hoping and praying to a God he didnt even believe in that Blaine wasnt lying.
Twenty minutes later, Kurt is just finishing up his extensive moisturizing routine when his phone buzzed. Kurt grabbed it, expecting a text from his dad, but was pleasantly surprised to see it was from Blaine.
I miss you. -B
You just saw me. -K
I know, but I still miss you. -B
Stop trying so hard. -K
Silence.
Kurt was afraid hed said the wrong thing. It was a knee-jerk reaction and he was regretting it now. He waited for a few more minutes, before sending another text.
Im sorry. I get bitchy when Im tired. -K
Kurt stared at his phone, waiting for a reply, but none came. He was contemplating banging his head against the nearest wall when his phone rang, startling him. He knew it was Blaine, and he answered, his hands shaking.
"H-hello."
"Im sorry," came the soft reply. It was obvious from the hoarseness in his voice that Blaine had been crying.
"No Blaine, Im sorry. Im just not sure how to handle this." Kurt admitted.
"What, me?" Blaine asked, afraid to hear the answer.
"Yes...no, I dont know." He threw himself back on the bed and sighed in frustration. "I really want to believe you, but Im having such a hard time allowing myself to trust you." He paused to collect this thoughts. Blaine sensed he wasnt finished and waited silently, sniffling once or twice. "Im trying to protect my heart, and in doing so, I become a bitch. It makes things easier."
Blaine didnt comment right away, but Kurt could hear him in the background trying to compose himself enough to speak. "I understand, and Im so, so sorry." Blaine tried to hold in a sob, but wasnt successful. "I-Im just trying to be honest and let you know everything Im feeling, when Im feeling it. I want you to see that Im serious."
"I do, but its still going to take some time."
"I know."
The two were silent for several minutes, allowing each boy to peruse their own thoughts.
"Blaine," Kurt finally said. "Im really sorry for saying you were trying too hard. I really do want to know what you are feeling. Its just hard for me to believe that you can possibly miss me after just seeing me."
"Well, after what happened last night, and being able to spend the whole day with you, I just sort of got used to having you around." He paused for a moment before adding hesitantly, "Dont you miss me?"
"Yes," he said, turning over onto his side and tucking the phone into his neck. "But Ive also gotten really good at pushing those feelings down and hiding them away."
Blaines heart was breaking because it had been him that caused all this turmoil and pain in Kurt. He really didnt deserve this wonderful, forgiving boy. His voice was shaking as he said, "God, Kurt, I am so sorry. I pushed those feelings down too, but for the wrong reasons. And now, look what Ive done. I-I really dont deserve you."
Kurt was quiet for a moment, debating if he should be brutally honest, and decided that he needed to be, for both of them. "Its true that you didnt, and Im reserving judgement on whether you do now, but I see that you are trying, and Im willing to take a chance on you."
Blaine let out a breath he didnt even know hed been holding, and tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a sob. "Thank you. I know Ive said it over and over, but I am sorry. I swear, Im a good guy and Im going to do everything I can to show you how much you mean to me. Im going to prove to you and myself that I do deserve you. And you may see some things as trying too hard, but I just want to make sure you know how serious I am and that I want you to know how important you are to me." He paused, then added, "So, prepare yourself, because I might go a little overboard, but you are worth it."
Kurt felt the tears start sometime in the middle of Blaines speech, and did nothing to stop them. After Blaines last thought, Kurt chuckled. It was crazy how many emotions he had felt in such a short span of time. And all because of Blaine. Sure, not all of them were good. Ok, if hes being honest, most of them werent. But he couldnt deny that even the hard to deal with emotions were so much stronger, because they involved Blaine.
He knew giving Blaine a second, oh who was he kidding, more like a twentieth, chance was probably not a good idea. He was probably setting himself up for more heartbreak, but he just couldnt say no. With all the emotions Blaine conjured up in him, love was the most powerful. Hed been in love with Blaine since their freshman year. It might not have been love at first sight, but after spending time with him, before all the stupid friends got involved, it had been magical.
And deep down, he knew Blaine had feelings for him. There was no way he could fake the emotion he put into their kisses. And it was remembering this that allowed him to give Blaine this last chance. He knew he was opening himself up for a world of hurt, but he couldnt help it. Even if the chance of this working out was so small, having Blaines love was worth the risk.
"K-Kurt," Blaine said, his voice held a nervous quiver.
"Huh," Kurt said, startled. Oh man, Blaine sounded scared. Shit, hed gotten lost in his mind again. "Im sorry, Blaine. I was just thinking."
"Oh."
Kurt smiled a little. He kind of liked seeing, or in this case hearing, the vulnerable side of Blaine. "Dont worry, its nothing bad." He contemplated just leaving it at that, but changed his mind. "Im just...Today was wonderful, but Im still struggling."
"With what?" Blaines voice was soft and vulnerable.
"Trying to decide if giving you another chance is worth the risk."
There was no response, but Kurt heard a heart wrenching sob through the phone, and knew hed made the right choice. Kurt realized that he would always be worth the risk, because Blaine owned his heart and had for a while. Kurt wondered for a moment if Blaine had hung up until he heard a sniffle, then a mumble, "You promised."
"Promised what?" Kurt asked, confused.
"Before I left tonight, you promised youd give me a second chance. Please, dont change your mind. I - I need you." The last three words were choked out, but Kurt heard them.
"Blaine, Im not changing my mind. Im just trying to protect myself from being hurt again."
D-do you really think Ill hurt you again?" The question was a mere whisper.
"Honestly, I dont know."
Blaine let out a half laugh, half sob. He knew hed hurt Kurt, but hearing him say he still thought Blaine would hurt him was a wake up call. The day they had spent had been so nice, he thought Kurt was beginning to see how sincere he was. It was going to take a lot of work to get Kurts trust back. And he was willing to do anything.
"Ok." Blaine said after calming his emotions. "Thanks for being honest."
"Blaine, I..." Kurt tried, but Blaine interrupted.
"Dont. Its ok. I get it. Listen, I really do need to study, so Ill talk to you tomorrow, ok?"
"Blaine." Kurt didnt know what to say, but felt like hed screwed up somehow. God, this was so frustrating. They both were so vulnerable and everything they said, even though it needed to be said, still hurt. "Im sorry."
"No." Blaine said forcefully. "You have nothing to be sorry for. If this is going to work, we both need to be completely honest with each other. I knew Id hurt you, but Im beginning to understand, with your help, how much damage Id really done. Its not an easy thing to face, and Im sorry that Im so emotional, but Ive never had feelings this intense and I have no idea how to deal with them. I think...Oh God, please dont be mad, ok, or take this the wrong way...but I think I need a couple of days."
"What do you mean?" Kurt asked hesitantly, not fully understanding what Blaine was saying.
"You were right before when you said this was going to take time and also that I was trying too hard. You arent going to forgive me overnight, and I guess I thought that the best way to show you how serious I am was to be with you every single second." He paused, waiting to see if Kurt wanted to speak. When he only heard silence, he continued. "I realize that is not the best way, but I really dont know where to go from here, so Im asking you to be patient with me for a couple of days."
He heard Kurts quick intake of breath over the phone, and quickly continued. "Im not disappearing without a trace, ok? I still plan to call and text, but I think I need a couple of days to figure out how to make this better. To show you how serious I am, but when Im with you I just want to touch you and hold you close. Neither one of us need that right now. Dont get me wrong, today was incredible and it was just what we needed, but if we want to build a real relationship, we cant jump in too fast. Plus, Ive been so screwed up for so long, I need to take a step back and take a good, long look at my life." Kurt still had yet to speak, so Blaine asked, "When are you heading home for Christmas?"
"Thursday," came the shaky reply.
"Kurt, please dont take this as a bad thing, ok? Its really not. I -I know what I want, and thats you in my life. I just need to figure out how to have you in my life without hurting you more. God, I dont feel like Im making any sense." He said, clearly frustrated. "Please say you understand. I promise, Im not going to shut you out. Youll probably get so many texts from me, youll want to change your number." He chuckled a little, knowing humor always helped.
He heard Kurt huff out a breath, which he took as an attempt at a laugh. "I, uh..." He cleared his throat, and Blaine was sure that Kurt had been crying. He felt his heart clinch at the thought. Would he ever be able to stop making this amazing boy cry? He was ready to take it all back when Kurt spoke. "I understand what you are saying, and even though Im worried and still not one hundred percent sure you wont vanish again, I did promise to give you another chance, so I guess Ill have to trust you." Kurt tried to cover it up, but Blaine heard his voice crack on the word trust.
"I know my promises dont mean much right now, but I am going to do everything in my power to show you that you can trust me." Blaine spoke with such intensity, Kurt found himself believing him. "Now, I do have to study for my final tomorrow, and you need your beauty sleep." He heard Kurt chuckle at that and knew they were ok for now. "Ill text you tomorrow, ok?"
"Ok. Night Blaine."
"Goodnight Kurt."