Treading Water

            It had seemed like a good idea – sensible and very adult to “take it slow”, which roughly translated as making sure that they were both in the right headspace, so to speak.  The reality is so much more frustrating and he is not wholly sure why he thought that the distance would actually make things easier.  The weeks since Valentine's Day drag by painfully slowly though they talk every night without fail, even when Douglas' stress levels are sky-high the closer his trip to China gets.  For Blaine, it is small comfort every time he hears the click of the phone being answered, or each time the house phone rings – however, once his parents had started asking questions as to why Roger's brother was calling for Blaine so often he had suggested to Douglas that he only call Blaine when they were certain that it would be Blaine who answered the phone.  The sneaking around had felt sexy and dangerous at first, but the initial tingling shudder that possessed his body whenever the phone rang eventually faded back to a subtle swoop in the pit of his stomach.

Blaine had started to feel tetchy and his friends had noticed him withdraw a little from them – he preferred to keep his evenings free for his boyfriend than spend it with his friends – and both Sebastian and Hunter had given him hell over it.  Ironically, only Doug had defended Blaine – Blaine was not certain that Doug would continue his defence of Blaine's actions when he learnt the identity of Blaine's mysterious older man.

However, on the bright-side Blaine was acing his classes as, whilst alone and waiting for 10pm to come, he had plenty of time to get homework and assignments done.  The other benefit was that the Warblers held a large percentage of his attention and they had never sounded better.  He was actually pretty confident that they would win their upcoming Regionals competition against the Whiffenpoofs and the Hoosier Daddies.  He suspected that this was the only thing keeping Sebastian and Hunter on his side overall as neither had lost interest in the identity of Blaine's boyfriend and both were rapidly growing tired of Blaine's dancing around the subject.  Hunter outright accused him of making it all up where as Sebastian was certain that Blaine was back with Kurt “after everything that happened”.

            ‘He's right to keep it a secret.  Hell, I'd be embarrassed if I got back with someone that not only dumped me, but then abandoned me in New York!  Seriously – no wonder he's hiding it!  It's not like Hummel's actually hot – Blaine knows he could do far better.'

Hunter frowns slightly at Sebastian's monologue and raises his eyebrows at Doug.

            ‘Don't ask me.  He's not said a word to me about it.  If he doesn't want to tell us – we have to respect that.'  Doug finishes off the last of his coffee and glances over to where Blaine is getting their next round.  He catches Hunter's eyes and smiles slightly when Hunter rolls his.

            ‘Regardless – I don't get why he won't hang out anymore.  Whether it is Kurt or isn't, or whether there actually is a guy – in all scenarios there is no excuse.  Kurt lives in New York, as does the debatable mystery man so it's not like they're fucking every night or anything.'  Hunter finishes the last piece of biscotti.

            ‘I don't know.  Maybe something else is up.'

            ‘Like what, Doug?'  Sebastian raises an eyebrow in question.

            ‘Like, something at home?'

            ‘Nah – he'd tell us.'  Hunter dismisses Doug's idea flippantly just as Blaine settles the four fresh coffees down on the table.

            ‘What're we discussing?'  Blaine smiles but it is forced and earns him a frown from Sebastian.

            ‘We are still debating the identity –‘

            ‘Or existence!'  Hunter adds.

            ‘Yes – or existence, of this boyfriend who keeps you from us.'  Sebastian raises his cup in a mock toast to Blaine.

            ‘Seriously guys?  Give it a break already.'  Blaine's face drops and he hides by prising the lid from the paper cup and adding sugar.

            ‘I'm thinking of starting a betting pool.  I reckon the rest of the guys would go in on it.  Doug – you could get the football team in on it, right?  I'll take the lacrosse team and Hunter can sort the Warblers.'  Sebastian watches Blaine's face intently as he makes his thinly veiled threat.  Blaine rolls his eyes and fiddles with the plastic lid.

            ‘What can I do to make you just drop it?'  He sighs.

            ‘Hang with us?  Tell us the truth?'  Hunter suggests.

            ‘I have told you – we're taking it slow.  It's…new, for both of us – and we want to be certain.  How is that hard to grasp?'  Blaine's frustration is palpable and Doug shoots Hunter a warning glance which he promptly ignores.

            ‘What's wrong with him?'

            ‘Nothing!  Why does anything have to be wrong with him?  He's actually pretty damn near perfect!'

            ‘Hey, Blaine – they're just teasing you.  Just drop it, guys.'  Doug pleads as he attempts to placate his friend.

            ‘Oh dear!  Anderson's cussing!'  Hunter grins.  Sebastian's eyes flicker and in that moment he is all sharp cunning.

            ‘Yeah, Hunt – Doug's right.  Respect Blaine's wishes, OK?'  Hunter throws Sebastian a questioning look but Sebastian's attention is entirely on Blaine.  Blaine feels like a novice snake charmer.  ‘So, Blaine – when do you think you'll be up for a night out then?  Now that we have established why you and the Mr. are keeping things tight – you can tell us why you're busy all the time, yeah?  It's not like you're new beau is a control freak like the last one or anything, right?  This one trusts you with your best friends?'

            ‘Of course he trusts me.'

            ‘Exactly – so you can come out with us on Friday night, yeah?'  Sebastian takes a sip of his coffee, his eyes never leaving Blaine's.

            ‘Bas – I've been busy with school work and composing arrangements for Regionals.  You know that.  It's not like I've been abandoning you on purpose.  I'm sure you, Hunter and Doug are perfectly capable of having a good time without me.'  Blaine holds Sebastian's eyes as he takes a sip.  It feels like a gun fight.

            ‘Sure – but you've got the whole weekend to do your assignments, right?'

            ‘What's happening on Friday, Bas?'

            ‘I was thinking we could let loose a little?  Have some fun.  You deserve a break, Blaine – you've been working too hard.'

Hunter and Doug both seem to hold their breath throughout their friends' exchange and a part of him finds the entire situation amusing.  Blaine forces himself to smile.

            ‘It's sweet that you care.'  He takes another sip of his coffee – letting his three companions lean forward subconsciously in anticipation.  Blaine takes a breath, sighs gently, and then unleashes his wildcard.  ‘Friday I'm not available though.  Perhaps the week after?  You see – my boyfriend's visiting and we haven't seen each other since Valentine's day so we have a lot of catching up to do…'  He lets the sentence hang as he takes another sip of bitter-sweet coffee.

Hunter's eyes widen, and he cannot quite see Doug's expression as he is to his left, but Sebastian's expression does not waiver.

            ‘Bring him.'

            ‘Not really his thing.'

            ‘How'd you know?'

            ‘I just know.'

            ‘Going anywhere nice?'

            ‘Bas – if I tell you you'll devise some reason to swing by and spy on me.  Let me save you the trouble – no it's not Kurt (Kurt's not talking to me still), and no – I'm not going anywhere in town with him, so give up now.  OK?' 

            ‘I was only going to suggest this lovely French place my parents took me to a week or so ago, Blaine.  No need to get so defensive.'

            ‘Sure, OK.  Thanks, but I think I'll let my boyfriend choose.'

Hunter glances at Sebastian and then at Doug as silence descends on the group. 

            Doug breaks the silence.  ‘Well – that was…intense.'  Hunter snorts laughter and Blaine smiles slightly though his gaze is still firmly locked on Sebastian's and remains there as Doug and Hunter descend into talk of next week's big game.  They finish their coffees and stand to head back to Dalton for their afternoon classes, but both Blaine and Sebastian hang back letting Doug and Hunter walk ahead.

            ‘What's this all about, Bas?'

            ‘I'm just concerned.'

            ‘That's touching.'

Sebastian frowns.

            ‘Blaine – look, I care OK?  I know I sometimes have a funny way of showing it but we're friends right?'

Blaine nods his affirmation and Sebastian's eyes soften a little.

            ‘I just… I saw what loosing Kurt did to you, and I saw what his rejection over Christmas did.  I'm worried about you – secrets and withdrawing are not healthy, Blaine.  And they are certainly not you.  You don't have to hide things from me.  I thought we were past the whole mistrust thing.  You were the only reason I'm still a Warbler after the slushie incident and the whole thing with that Karofski guy…  I know we got off on the wrong foot, and things have been strained in the past but I thought we were past that –‘

            ‘We are.'

            ‘Then why are you hiding this from me?  You're carrying this huge weight, Blaine – you're Captain of the Warblers and you're top of all your classes and you're always so perfectly put together – but I see how much it costs you.  Share some of it with me.  Let me in.  Let me be your friend.'

Sebastian's hand brushes his own and he's not certain when they stopped walking but there is something in Sebastian's eyes that seems to be honestly searching for something from Blaine.  He feels overwhelmingly lost for a moment as the reality that he had been all words and superficial actions – playing at being friends but keeping everyone at a distance – hits him.  He feels short of breath and so tired.  He is so very tired of always being strong for everyone else and he has not really shared anything with anyone since Kurt.  This pressure has been building behind his eyes and he had not really noticed – but Sebastian had. 

He closes his eyes, unable to maintain contact with Sebastian for a moment.  He needs to think.  The precipice is right there and he can feel the wind on his cheeks – he could take Sebastian's hand, after everything, and prove to everyone that he truly does trust him, does forgive him…or he can take the leap and continue alone.  He opens his eyes.

            ‘I do trust you, Bas.  Please don't ever think that I don't.'  The words are half-whispered, like a sigh, and he feels as if he may blow away at any moment.  Sebastian's hand in his grounds him.  ‘Doug cannot know.   Hunter cannot know.'

Sebastian nods his consent.

            ‘I've been dating Douglas Chambers since February, but we kind of had a thing before – when I stayed with him between Christmas and New Year…'  The weight does not lift miraculously, it stays sitting firmly on his chest, and he holds his breath as he watches his friend's face for any sign of shock or disgust.  Sebastian's eyebrows raise a little but he maintains his physical tether to Blaine.

            ‘I figured.'

The anti-climax is like laughing gas to Blaine.

            ‘What?'  Sebastian seems more disturbed by Blaine's reaction than by Blaine's confession and for some reason it makes Blaine laugh harder.  Tears stream down his face and his breath comes in hiccups so loud both Hunter and Doug turn to look back but Sebastian waves them onwards.  ‘Don't make me slap you.'

Blaine takes a couple of deep breaths, and a couple of mini-explosions of recursive laughter later, he manages to calm himself down.

            ‘Sorry.'

            ‘Why do you always do that?'

            ‘Do what?'

            ‘Apologise for everything?'  Sebastian looks genuinely puzzled and it sobers Blaine.

            ‘I don't know.  I guess…I feel responsible?'

            ‘You're not you know.'

            ‘It doesn't feel like I'm not.'

            ‘Tell me about it.'

            ‘I'm not sure I can put it in to words.  I just feel like I should.  Like everyone expects me to be.'

Sebastian pats him on the shoulder.

            ‘Come on – tell me about this man of yours.  I want all the gossip, Blaine.  You've been holding out on me.'

            ‘Thanks, Bas.'

            ‘What for?'

            ‘Knowing me.'

            ‘Come on – quit changing the subject.  You're banging Doug's uncle.  An older man, Blaine.  I want details!'

            ‘It's not like that…'

            ‘You've not….?'

            ‘No.'

            ‘Oh.'

            ‘Yeah.  It's not that I don't want to…or that he doesn't want to – at least he seems like he does.  We just…he's well respected, and…'

            ‘Wants you to keep quiet, yeah?'

            ‘No.  It's not like that.  We want to be sure before it gets really serious, you know?'

Sebastian frowns a little.

            ‘He must be an amazing pull, Blaine.  That's all I'm going to say.'

Blaine gives his friend a gentle punch to his bicep and rolls his eyes.

            ‘He is...'

            ‘I knew it!'

Heat sweeps across Blaine's cheeks and Sebastien laughs.

            ‘I won't tell a soul.'

            ‘I know.'

            ‘I still want details.  And we need to get you a plan.'

            ‘A plan?'

            ‘Of seduction.  If he's visiting you on the sly this weekend then he must be getting as horny as you are so it shouldn't take much…'

            ‘Bas!  We're taking it slow.'

            ‘Bloody hell.  I thought it was Hummel that would have been the prude in that bizarre relationship the two of you had.  He always seemed like the innocent one but I suspected he was this hugely controlling and kinky power-bottom beneath it all.  You did actually do it right?  I mean you're not a virgin still?'

Blaine rolls his eyes and frowns slightly.

            ‘Fine, fine.  Take it slow.  Slow can be sexy.  There's no harm in winding him up – in making him want you.  Drive him crazy…'

            ‘I pity your future boyfriends you devious creature.'

            ‘Words wound, Blaine.'

            ‘Believe me I know.  Come on – Hunt and Doug probably think you're my secret lover now!'

            ‘In your dirty dreams, Killer!'

-+-

            Sebastian kept shooting Blaine looks throughout Friday and as the final lesson drew nearer the looks grew more and more suggestive.  Blaine rolled his eyes at his friend.  It had make him feel like a terrible person but he had been mildly surprised that Sebastian had kept his word and had held Blaine's secret as if it were his own.  Blaine had finally succumbed and bought a new cell phone and the two had spent most evenings (until 10pm at least) casually chatting or texting.  It felt oddly freeing to have someone to talk to about anything again.  Even if that someone did spend a disproportionate amount of time teasing Blaine, he knew that, deep down; it was just how Sebastian showed he cared.  At least, that's what Blaine told himself.

            By the time Blaine pulled up at the airport he was a jittery mess of frayed nerves, shaking limbs and writhing guts.  He had not been able to bring himself to eat and had found himself keeping Doug at a distance after he had found himself casually staring a little too long into his friend's eyes (so similar and simultaneously different to Douglas') while his friends ate their lunch.  Fortunately, Doug had not called him out on it though he had received a lewd text message from Sebastian about it later. 

As it turned out, nothing beats physical kisses, and as he drove Douglas to the hotel where he would be staying, Blaine could not stop himself from smiling.  Somehow he managed to get to their destination using only one hand (the other was entangled in Douglas') and his mind was definitely out of action as it had headed south the second Douglas' lips had touched his own. 

            ‘I missed you, Blaine.'

            ‘I missed you.'  His voice was breathy but Douglas did not pass comment or tease him – Blaine realised he had been spending a little too much time with Sebastian.  Instead the older man had simply smiled and kissed him again erasing Blaine's frown and thoughts with absolute and unconscious ease.

The lobby, elevator and corridors to Douglas' rooms were a blur to Blaine, and for a fleeting moment, he felt concern that he had no real idea where he had parked his car so distracted were his thoughts.  His concern however, left as quickly as it had appeared when he found himself finally alone with Douglas.  Instead he allowed himself to ogle his boyfriend as he efficiently unpacked his weekend bag, though Blaine mentally kicked himself for not noting what Douglas had bought with him as it would have suggested to Blaine, at least in part, what the other man had planned for their mini-break.  It had been surprisingly easy for Blaine to get the weekend off (so to speak) – his parents actually seemed glad that their son was showing an interest in a social life again and so had not pushed him for any details.  So he was absolutely and unashamedly Douglas' for the entire weekend - the thought sent a little shiver down his spine and made something low in his belly flip.  He felt his eyes drift over the curve of Douglas' broad shoulders, down to his narrow hips and over his gorgeous ass.  Blaine's breath quickened as Douglas bent to put the empty Globetrotter bag into the bottom of the wardrobe.  He quickly glanced away and realised that he should, perhaps, put his own things away before Douglas noticed he had been staring.  He felt his cheeks darken as he quickly gathered up his bag and opened it, hurriedly sorting shirts and trousers onto hangers, and jumpers, underthings, and bowties into drawers. 

The suite Douglas had booked them had one bedroom but two Queen-sized beds separated by a small dresser.  They had not discussed sleeping arrangements and the thought had not occurred to Blaine until they had entered the room.  The disappointment that lingered even now had surprised him with its sudden intensity, but he was soon distracted by the feeling of strong hands on his hips.  Blaine smiled as he felt Douglas turn him to face him.

            ‘What was that for?'

            ‘You have absolutely no idea what you do to me, do you?'

The darkness in Douglas' eyes makes his gut do the little flip thing again and he finds himself licking his lips then catching his bottom lip with his teeth.  He swears he hears Douglas growl before he claims Blaine's lips with his own, but he is not completely certain with their bodies pressed close and his legs trapped between Douglas' and the bed. 

            ‘I'm sorry.'

Blaine manages to frown slightly at the sudden loss of Douglas' lips as the other man rests his forehead in the junction between Blaine's shoulder and neck.  He feels the hot puff of his boyfriend's breath against his skin and it takes him a moment to recall that Douglas had spoken.

            ‘Why?'

He feels Douglas smile against him.

            ‘I don't want to push you.'

            ‘You aren't.'

He must have said the right thing because Douglas' lips stop talking and start a deliciously slow meander along his neck and jawline.  Blaine manages to stop himself from practically rutting against Douglas' leg by sheer force of will alone.  He tests the water by nimbly untucking Douglas' shirt and dipping his fingers underneath to connect with skin in encouragement.  He must have done the right thing because it is as if the barrier between them suddenly drops and Douglas' hands mimic Blaine's finding their way to soft delicious skin.  He turns his head to catch Douglas' lips with his own and teasingly sucks on the older man's lower lip as he lets one hand dip lower, slipping cool fingers beneath elastic, cotton, wool and leather.  He feels Douglas press closer to him – his warmth is solid reassurance and Blaine takes it as permission to slide his other hand between them so that he can tug lightly at Douglas' shirt and work one-handed on unbuttoning it.  One of Douglas' hands numbly unties Blaine's school tie as the other makes short work from the bottom up of his shirt buttons.  Knuckles brush his abdomen as they work and Blaine moans softly at the contact.  Something about the way Douglas deliberately holds Blaine's tie for a moment before finally pulling it free from his collar makes Blaine freeze for a moment, but it passes and leaves in its wake a desperation and Blaine makes short work of the rest of Douglas' shirt.  He lets it drop to the floor and allows himself to briefly take in the vision of Douglas, topless, before him.  He makes Blaine's mouth water – so dissimilar to everything Blaine had been so familiar with; all adult definition instead of youthful promise. 

Lightly tanned skin pulls taught over faintly defined muscle as Douglas breathes and Blaine finds himself dragging one hand from the other man's sternum down through the dusting of coarse, dark hair, brushing an impossibly tiny pebbled nipple with his little finger as he works his way down.  He is on his knees before he is aware he had moved – he had been too engaged in the sensation of skin and hair and muscle.  He places his hands gently on Douglas' hips – to steady himself and to keep Douglas from moving, and places a gentle, tentative kiss just below the other man's belly button.  He feels more than hears Douglas' slight gasp at the sensation, and allows himself to slowly trail light kisses down to the junction of wool, metal, leather and skin.  He feels Douglas tense as he continues downwards, his hands following the exquisite dip of hip and buttock before firm thigh, until he finds himself mouthing lightly at the pronounced hardness there.  He stops briefly, his nose and mouth mere centimetres away from Douglas and looks up – overcome with the sudden need for both reassurance and to reassure. 

There is a moment – it is fleeting and it simultaneously stabs him and freezes him – when he expects to see sweet blue eyes and not the meltingly dark chocolate pools that meet his own.  He almost falls backwards, away.  He almost bolts.  But Douglas' eyes are so calming and so painfully earnest (and for some reason slightly scared) that Blaine finds himself smiling reassuringly as one hand gently traces the other man's belt buckle.  Douglas seems so breathtakingly vulnerable in that moment that Blaine forgets to breathe and when he takes the hesitant blink as permission, his lungs ache from lack of air as he makes short work of the leather belt.  He slips a finger teasingly beneath the band of Douglas' trousers, letting his finger pad brush the hidden hair and skin, and making Douglas gasp again.  His fingers are sure as they gently unhook and unbutton and unzip – lending Blaine a confidence that makes him feel like his performing.  He lets Douglas' trousers fall and lets his hands run back up the other man's calves and muscular thighs.  He fingers the hem of Douglas' boxers where they meet his skin briefly, then slips his fingers between material and flesh, lightly tracing the line between muscled buttock and thigh.  He lets his fingers tease the crease between the other man's cheeks before squeezing them and mouthing Douglas' cock through the cotton. 

            ‘God, Blaine.'

The praise sends a thrill through him and he sucks lightly at the head as he dips the fingers of one hand down to ghost the sensitive area between hole and balls.

            ‘Please.'

The gasp-whine is exquisitely new and Blaine yearns to map each inch of delicious salt-sweet skin, to learn which areas make Douglas moan and clench, and which reduce him to jelly.  He sucks and kisses and gently drags with his teeth, one hand squeezing a muscled globe, the other tantalisingly tracing lines between balls and hole, until a desperate, keening,

            ‘Please!'

and he finally rolls down the final barrier to all that delicious, unclaimed skin. 

He does not compare - it does not occur to him for the exercise would be pointless.  This is a different game entirely and Douglas is a different species – all adult – thick muscle and hair not the limber softness of youth.  There is no promise of definition or suggestion of structure – Douglas is a masterpiece and utterly complete. 

Blaine closes his eyes as his hands map unchartered and unbound skin.  He trails kisses from hip bones down to the crease between groin and leg taking in the smell of Douglas where it is strongest and unimpeded by cologne.  He mouths at one tight ball as he squeezes his hands against the toned flesh behind and is rewarded by a delicious groan.  He explores with his mouth and tongue until he can feel the sweat building as fiery skin meets the cool air of the room.  He feels the light tremble of Douglas's knees and he feels a tentative hand grasp his shoulder for support.  Blaine teases with his teeth, dragging them up the thick veined shaft then rolls back Douglas' foreskin gently with one hand – releasing the pressure that is building and echoed in Blaine.  Precum beads at the head as his hand pumps once, twice.  He licks his lips then laps at the slit before sliding his lips around the head, swirling with his tongue and dragging across the rim.  Douglas gasps and Blaine hums gently around the other man's cock as he slides down to take more of him in.  He feels fingers grasp at the few curls that have broken free of the gel with his sweat and he swirls his tongue again as he makes his way back up to the head.  He pulls off with an obscene noise before taking the glistening head back into his mouth.  He tastes precum – salty and distinctly Douglas, as he resumes tracing the corona with his tongue.  He trails a finger down between cheeks to perineum and feels Douglas tense then groan as the pad drags deliciously over a sensitive area.  Blaine hums again as he sinks back down around Douglas relaxing his throat as much as he can as Douglas' fingers grip the back of his neck lightly.  He takes pity and lets a rhythm build until he feels Douglas' buttocks clench and his perineum spasm.  Douglas is silent as he comes, taking Blaine a little by surprise.  There is more than he expected but he manages not to gag, swallowing around Douglas as he manages to continue to work him through his orgasm with his mouth, gently cleaning him off as much as he can before the other man gets too sensitive.  He does not realise he is trembling until Douglas' strong arms are helping him up from the floor. 

It should be awkward - they were supposed to be taking things slowly – and it is for a moment.  Douglas kisses Blaine then – all unbridled passion and Blaine is dimly aware that Douglas must be able to taste himself.  Kurt had always insisted they drink water (and ideally brush their teeth and gargle with mouthwash) before kissing after giving a blowjob; so that too takes Blaine by surprise.  As do the mumbled sentiments that Douglas murmurs between kisses.  Blaine is achingly hard – his trousers tight and uncomfortable after being compressed when kneeling, and it is almost painful when Douglas palms him through the layers of underwear and grey wool.  All trace of his earlier hesitation has gone and Blaine finds himself utterly grateful when large hands finally release him without teasing or ceremony.  Douglas kisses him, sure and steady and deliciously slowly from his lips, down the straining chords of his neck, past the dip of clavicle and over the sensitive bud of nipple.  Over each bump-dip of rib and muscle, to the suggestion of the V that will develop between hip and abdomen, glancing over the stubborn remainder of hairless puppy-fat beneath his belly button and down to the still-soft hair of his public region.  Strong hands grip his thighs and he finds himself hoisted onto the edge of the bed, his trousers and underwear a tangled mess around his ankles – dimly he kicks his feet free as Douglas begins to kiss him.  The soft-wet-heat of Douglas' mouth is glorious and Blaine feels his balls contract up.  His hole flutters as the delicious draw of the other man's mouth quickly brings him to the brink and spectacularly over.  He comes hard – the product of youth, a long build-up, and a week of abstaining – panting and flopping backwards onto the firm mattress beneath him.  He is dimly aware of Douglas kissing him before he hears him get up and leave the room.  Blaine waits for his eyes to regain focus and stares at the ceiling as slowly the suddenness of the turn in their relationship strikes him. 

Douglas returns with a damp cloth and gently cleans him and Blaine feels somewhere between mortification and adoration at the tenderness of the gesture.  Wordlessly Douglas takes his hand and helps him up, leading him towards the shower.

-+-

            He has always paced while on the phone.  It is a habit that had driven his mother mad when he had been a boy as it had resulted in a tangled phone cord - she had been adamant that he had significantly reduced the life of the carpet in the hallway.  Now there are no cables he has full reign of his substantial apartment, but he still finds himself bound by the invisible ghost of the old cord. 

            ‘I'm sorry, Rog.  I just don't have anyone else to talk to.'

            ‘That bad?'

Douglas groans and Roger huffs a little laugh which sounds like a small explosion in his ear – he can almost feel the warmth of his brother's breath as the air from the speaker buffets his ear. 

            ‘Come on, big brother.  Talk to me.'

            ‘God, Rog, I… I think I'm in love – or almost there.'

            ‘That's…that's good.'

            ‘Is it?  This should feel wrong, Rog.  It's so wrong.  He's a teenager!  But there's something about him – since the first moment I saw him.  God – I sound like one of those fools on the telly – but he makes me feel.  It's not like with Paul, or Mark, or even like what I had with Adrian.  It's deeper somehow.'

            ‘Have you talked to him about how you feel?'

            ‘No.  I…I don't want to scare him off.'

            ‘You've really fallen hard for this kid haven't you?  You have to be straight with him here.  You owe it to him to be honest.  If you're going to have a relationship you need to be completely honest with each other because it's going to be hell for you both.' 

            ‘I know.  I…Part of me wants to protect him from that.'

            ‘That's not up to you.'

            ‘I know.'

There is a muffled sigh and Douglas pictures his brother running a hand over his face.

            ‘Oh, Diggsie.  I knew one day you'd find the right guy for you – I just hoped it'd be sooner and that he'd be older...'

            ‘Don't, Rog.'

            ‘Look, talk to him.  OK?  Just make sure he's as invested in this as you are and let me handle Pops, alright?'

Douglas feels a little freer momentarily and takes a small breath.

            ‘Thank you.'  The words are never enough.

            ‘Don't thank me yet.  Hell, Diggsie, I wish that things were easier.'

            ‘What?  Like I was straight?  It would be just as taboo if he were a teenage girl, Rog, and you know it.  Don't make this about my sexuality – I can't take that from you.  Not when I know what's heading my way from the rest of the family.'

            ‘I didn't mean that and you know it.  I just meant – things are finally starting to turn around what with Prop 8 being overturned and Don't Ask, Don't Tell…  Things are looking up, Diggsie, but I wish… I just wish everyone was treated equal, you know?  I wish it wasn't even a blip on the radar when it comes to history.  I think about all you've had to overcome to get where you are and… I'm terrified for you.  I don't want to see you have to fight any more to be happy.  I don't want to see you hurt.'

            ‘I told you you would have made a great politician.'

            ‘I love you too.'

He listens to his brother's breath as it evens back out, pacing, unseeing around the hall and kitchen – a pre-defined track like a trench.

            ‘So.  Who's taking to his parents and who's telling Doug?'

-+-